CPO: Summer Movie Preview Haiku '08

The tradition here at CPO is to do all movie preview columns in bastardized, hastily written, not particularly clever haiku. I’d break that tradition if I could, but my hands are tied.

Maybe, we can do a couple of limericks if the spirit movies us.

It’s not going to. . .

May 2nd
Iron Man
He’s like Edison
With hookers and alcohol
I think he fights crime

Made of Honor
It’s Patrick Dempsey
as Julia Roberts in
My Best Friend’s Wedding

May 9th
Speed Racer
Wachowski brothers
I think that those are the guys
who wrote Assassins

May 16th
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Hated the first one
but at least movies like this
keep midgets employed

May 22nd
Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Indy rides again
Archeology fits well
Ford’s now a relic

June 6th
Kung Fu Panda
Jackie Chan: Monkey
Ian McShane: Snow Leopard
Jack Black: Panda Bear

June 13th
The Incredible Hulk
Hulk says, Don’t make me,
Ang Lee, nobody liked me
when I was Ang Lee

The Happening
Already found out
M. Night Shyamalan’s big twist:
No Raj nor Rerun.

June 20th
Get Smart
Goofy suer-spy
I won’t miss it by that much
but I will miss it

The Love Guru
He’s been gone 5 years
Since the Cat in the Hat
Coulda been longer

June 27th
Johnny 5 is back!
Wait, this isn’t Johnny 5?
Thank effing Jesus!

July 2nd
Will Smith’s got to be
The biggest star in the world
Sorry, George Clooney

July 11th
Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Briefly, I worried
that Guillermo del Toro
was going legit.

July 18th
The Dark Knight
Hey, didn’t we see
Batman vs. the Joker
20 years ago?

Space Chimps
Monkeys, outer space
If the chimps smoke cigarettes. . .

July 25th
The X-Files: I Want to Believe
The X-files is back
Ten years after relevance
It worked for Star Trek

August 1st
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
Maria Bello
Brendan Fraser and Jet Li
I don’t understand

August 8th
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2
For those who don’t know
August eighth is my birthday
. . . not what I wanted.

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