Welcome again, Crack-heads. You may have heard that Smackdown is the lowest rated wrestling program in Australia. Even Impact gets higher ratings than Smackdown. Can Smackdown work it’s way back to the forefront Down Under? On to the action!
Smackdown started off with the same Edge vs. Undertaker video package we saw last week. Later tonight, it’s Undertaker vs. Batista VI for the World Title.
Smackdown is NOT live from Greensboro, NC. We start off the show with Edge and the rest of La Familia in the ring. Edge is excited for tonight’s main event. We can all thank Vickie Guerrero for that. The crowd chanted You Suck at her, suggesting they don’t want to see a World Title match. Vickie rebooked the main event, making it No DQ rules. Edge went over the rules of the match in case you’ve never seen a wrestling program before. Whoever wins that match tonight will meet Edge at Backlash. Edge predicts victory and that Chavo Guerrero walks out as champions. CM Punk nd his La Parka teeshirt interrupted the festivities. Edge pointed out Punk’s loss to William Regal on Monday, calling him Queen of the Ring. Chavo called him a court jester. Punk said he’s Money in the Bank. Punk said winning MITB was a better road to the top than sleeping with the boss. Ooo, Triple H is steaming somewhere. Punk wins my “Sick Burn of the Night” award. Punk said they’re love was gross and not understandable. Punk has come out to announce he has a title shot he can use anytime he wants. Edge said Punk shouldn’t use that shot on him. Punk said he was thinking about Batista or Undertaker. Actually, CM believes he can beat Edge too. Edge took offense, and Punk wanted the match too, so Vickie booked it for tonight. Vickie’s a good GM, but her character gets her booed. Edge said Punk would be bankrupt after their match, and the ring crew took awhile to cue Edge’s music.
Back from break, Miz cued his music and walked out with his partner. Miz is looking to reclaim his team’s honor after Nitro lost to Akio on “ECW.†Morrison went to do commentary in the Guest of the Week. Shannon Moore cued his music and came out with his partner Wang. Morrison asked Coach if he beats his wife for some reason, to which Coach responded “are you implying the Miz is your husband?†Doh!
Match #1: The Miz vs. Shannon Moore
Miz took over with a headlock. Moore sent him off but was hit with a shoulderblock. Moore avoided Miz’s rush as Morrison talked about how Earth Day is more important than Jimmy Wang Yang. Moore hit an armdrag but Miz got a break. Moore hit more armdrags and an HBK atomic drop. Moore took Miz into the corner as Morrison congratulated Coach on being a better commentator than Mike Adamle. Doh! Cole said Moore’s a cool guy and was reading about him in WWE Magazine. So he doesn’t talk to the man face to face? Miz ran into a boot. Miz threw Moore off the second rope. Moore corkscrewed through the air for no reason. Miz applied a Camel Clutch. Moore escaped and scored a two count. Miz it a clothesline for two. Miz hit a Russian legsweep for two. He applied a Million Dollar Dream, which Moore escaped to hit a back body drop. Miz crotched himself on the middle rope. Shannon hit some leg kicks, but Moore hit a powerslam for two. Morrison talked about how people don’t have abs like he does. Not everybody takes steroids, either. Miz missed the Reality Check, but Moore scored with a backslide for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Shannon Moore! I just didn’t get into the match. It was short and didn’t really make sense to me, apart from the end result. Wang beat Morrison on “ECW†and Moore completes the dual singles wins tonight, and apparently earn a title shot next week in a match obviously not important enough to put on Backlash in two nights. Four minutes, thirty five seconds.
Back from break, Cole recapped how all three Presidential candidates had messages for the RAW audience. Obama sounded the best to me, as Clinton pretentiously gave herself a nickname and McCain can’t even pronounce “Barack,†not to mention he spewed about fifteen cliches from retired wrestlers.
Next up, Cherry and Michelle came to the ring. Natalya cued her music and was accompanied by Victoria. This is Nattie Neidhart’s first match in WWE.
Match #2: Cherry vs. Natalya.
Natalya started with an overhead suplex, an elbow drop and a sleeper hold. Cherry escaped but Natalya knocked her back to the mat. Natalya scoop slammed Cherry twice for a one count. Cherry’s face met with the turnbuckle. Coach mocked the Anvil’s laugh. Cherry slapped Natalya numerous times and hit lots of light offense before Natalya started some knee based attacks. She jumped on Cherry’s leg before applying a leg submission. Cole dumbly said it “appeared to be a submission hold.†Natalya pulled Cherry back into the ring and reapplied the hold. She let go and wrapped Cherry around the ropes. Cherry got a rollup for one, then hit a bulldog for two. Cherry went for a monkey flip but Natalya sent her down. Natalya applied the Sharpshooter for the win.
Your winner, by submission, Natalya! Decent for a women’s squash match in 2008. Finally, the right woman won, too. Four minutes, twenty four seconds.
Cole celebrated Natalya’s debut victory by awkwardly segwaying into a Big Show-Great Khali recap video. They showed Show chokeslam Brock Lesnar through a table.
Back from break, Cole was in ring to interview Matt Hardy. The idiot Smackdown crowd apparently had no idea who MVP would face at Backlash until Hardy’s name was spoken, as they didn’t react at all before Cole said it. A somewhat weak “Hardy†chant broke out as Cole reminded Hardy that he missed four and a half months “due to MVP.†Finally, after almost a year of Hardy and MVP’s love-hate relationship, Hardy gets a shot at MVP’s United States title. Hardy said he never felt better and said MVP knew he was a threat to his title. MVP cued his music in the middle of Hardy’s generic “I’m back†promo. Who’s idea was it to leave Coach alone on commentary? MVP told Cole to beat it, which is fine. MVP said Hardy spins the truth. Hardy and MVP argued over why they were Tag Team champions. MVP said he never screwed Matt Hardy, but Matt Hardy screwed himself. WWE loves that line. MVP is the only reason Matt is an 8 time tag champ and the champ says Hardy is jealous of him. MVP says he’s accomplished more in 1.5 years than Hardy’s 9 years. Hardy said he was confident and MVP was uncertain. MVP said he wanted them to be friends, but it can’t happen. At Backlash, Hardy has an opportunity to win the title. MVP struck with a kick and a belt shot to the head. The US title feels more important now than in months. For the benefit of those with ADD, they recapped MVP’s attack a minute after it happened.
Backstage, CM Parka is headed to the ring for his match with Edge.
Back from break, Edge was already on his way to the ring. Surprisingly, La Familia was not with him. They promoted WWE’s regular magazine because Edge is the cover boy. CM Punk cued his music second.
Match #3: Edge vs. CM Punk
They locked up and broke clean. They exchanged shoves and locked up again. Edge gained the advantage with a hammerlock but Punk reversed into one of his own. Edge applied a headlock but Punk reversed that into a lock and pin for one. Punk went back to the hammerlock and drove knees into Edge’s side. Edge escaped with an elbow. Punk hit some shoulderblocks and applied another arm submission. Edge didn’t break clean and hit a big knee lift. Cole laughed like a six year old as Coach tried to tell him Edge didn’t sleep with Vickie. Edge gained the advantage for awhile before Punk hit an armdrag and kicked Edge down on the mat for one. Punk applied an armbar. Edge scoop slammed him but the former ECW champ held onto the hold. Punk dished out another shoulderblock and kicked Edge in the chest. Punk went up top but Edge met him up there. They fought up top but both men knocked each other off the top rope.
Back from break, Edge scored a one count. Edge applied a body scissors a la Kurt Angle. He pinned Punk down for a couple of one counts. Punk turned it around, kicking Edge in the back and slingshot ting him into the corner. Punk went for a high knee lift but Edge caught him into the electric chair drop for a two. Punk and Edge met each other with a double cross body block. They fought back to their feet with punches before Punk hit several Chick Kicks and a dropkick for two. Punk hit a cross body block off the second rope but Edge rolled over for a two count. Punk hit a nice enziguri and went for the G2S but Edge rolled through for a two count. Punk hit the running high knee and bulldog for two. Edge caught a high kick from Punk and hit the reverse DDT for two. Edge went for a spear in the corner but Punk hit a top rope clothesline for a VERY close two count. Some fans thought it was indeed a three. Punk went for the G2S, but Edge reversed into the Edge-cution for two. Edge went for the Spear but Punk countered into the Go 2 Sleep! Edge rolled out of the ring because they were so close to the ropes. Punk got Edge back into the ring. One of the Heads tried to jump Edge from behind but Punk saw him coming and turned to face him. Punk rolled back into the ring, but Edge hit the Spear for the victory.
Your winner, by pinfall, Edge! One of the best matches on Smackdown this year. It built from a slow open to an electric finish just like a great match should. My complaint is the commercial break taken during this match, because we didn’t get to see more of it. Twelve minutes, fifty seven seconds of what was shown.
Cole asked if Edge falling through the ropes after the G2S was “instinctful.†That isn’t even a word!
The RAW rebound aired, recapping the Punk vs. Regal match in the King of the Ring final. Regal made the last two weeks of awful Hornswoggle matches worth it by making Hornswoggle tap in 15 seconds.
Back from break, Vladimir Kozlov made it successfully to the ring. It’s time to meet our Jobber of the Week, Marty Garner! Marty Garner is probably best known for being the man you see in dozens of youtube videos botching the Pedigree and landing right on his head. He was the Rock’s assistant on the film Walking Tall, and also the “mystery opponent†in MVP’s debut on pay per view. I’m still scratching my head over that decision. This is the second time these two have wrestled, as Kozlov defeated Garner on a RAW house show last November.
Match #4: Vladimir Kozlov vs. Marty Garner II
Garner went behind Kozlov but Kozlov threw him down and hit a big kick and headbutt. He applied a side headlock. They broke on the ropes, but Garner scored some light offense. Kozlov in the Zinedine headbutt and a Mike Awesome belly to belly overhead suplex. He kicked Garner and planted the reverse DDT for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Vladimir Kozlov! Another week, another squash. One minute, thirty six seconds.
The replay missed the actual contact of Kozlov’s Zinedine headbutt.
Backstage, Batista thanked Vickie for making his match a No DQ match. He also said he knew that she is sending them out there to make things easy for Edge at Backlash.
Cole sent it to a recap of “Hillary Cinton†vs. “Barack Obama.†Moronic. Infantile. Denigrating.
Returning “live†Batista cued his music for the main event. Cole said Batista’s “supposed to have a date with Shawn Michaels at Backlash.†Aww. Taker started up the gong and made his way to defend his title.
Match #5: Batista vs. The Undertaker VI – No Disqualification, World Heavyweight Title match
Justin Roberts did ring intros just to make this feel like a big Impact main event. Taker took the Animal down with a clothesline. Batista applied a headlock and took the Phenom down with a shoulderblock. Taker put on an armlock. Batista did not break clean, but hit some light offense. Batista hit a clothesline but Taker came back with light offense of his own. Taker got a quick two count. Batista came back with a spear and escaped when Taker tried to apply the Lance Storm Doesn’t Approve Triangle Choke.
Back from break, Taker threw Batista into the steps and booted Batista’s skull. The champ hit the ring apron legdrop and got a two count. Taker went for Old School but Batista crotched the Deadman. Taker shoved Batista into the ring. He promptly ran into a boot and Taker successfully hit Old School. Taker ran right into a spinebuster, which Cole called a powerbomb. Batista went for the Batista Bomb, but was hit with a back body drop. Taker called for the Chokeslam but Batista escaped. Batista scooped Undertaker up in a powerslam for two. Batista ran into a boot and Taker successfully nailed the Chokeslam. Taker called for the Tombstone but Batista hit another spear for a near fall. Batista hit 11 out of ten punches, but Taker hit the Last Ride for a close two. Undertaker ventured outside to fetch the ring steps. Undertaker went to Tombstone Batista onto the steps, but Batista countered into a ring step spinebuster. Batista went for the Batista Bomb, but Shawn Michaels nailed him with Sweet Chin Music and told Batista to suck it. Undertaker hit the Tombstone for the win.
Your winner, and STILL World champion, The Undertaker! Better match then last week but not as good as their PPV bouts. The finish was predictable but was probably the only one that made sense, as it puts some sensible story behind the HBK-Batista match for Backlash, and gives Edge a definite opponent in the Taker for the World Title match. Ten minutes, seven seconds of what was shown.
Favorite match: Edge vs. CM Punk. One of my favorite matches this year. This is one to go out of your way to watch (download?) and gets my all too rare RPP STAMP OF APPROVAL.
Least favorite match: Vladimir Kozlov vs. Marty Garner II. Nothing new or interesting on this one.
How different will the blue brand be after Backlash? Tune in next week, when the Crackdown informs you of how it is so. See you next week and keep your teeth clean!
