Welcome Crackheads! Last week I was too busy to bring you your fix in a week where a lot of weird shit happened. Smackdown too. So in another week where I’m extremely busy with personal things, I’m going to be not too engaged in other activities this time. I’ll bring to you a condensed Crackdown!
Justin Roberts introduces Vickie Guerrero, who has a prepared statement to make. She said it’s been a hard week and she didn’t want to strip Undertaker of the title. She didn’t explain why not, but did announce that Undertaker will have a chance to compete for the gold but will be unable to use the Lance Storm Doesn’t Approve Triangle Choke. Vickie announces that any former or current World, US or ECW champion will compete in a tournament to wrestle Undertaker. She read off a list of names including Big Show, John Morrison, Finlay, CM Punk, Chavo Guerrero, Tommy Dreamer (who got a surprisingly large pop), MVP, Kane, Matt Hardy, and Batista. Khali and Edge are out with “injuries.†She failed to mention former World champ Rey Mysterio. The winner of tonight’s matches will advance to a battle royal, which the winner faces Undertaker at Judgment Day for the title.
Championship Chase match #1: Matt Hardy vs. CM Punk 2 – non-title match
It’s the United States champion vs. Mr. Money in the Bank tonight. CM Punk and his La Parka shirt head to the ring and get the match started. Hardy works the arm of Punk. Cole reminds us that Hardy and Punk wrestled in the first round of the King of the Ring tournament on RAW, which Punk won. CM Punk is teaming with Kane to take on the tag team champions Miz-ison at Judgment Day. Punk hits a big knee to the gut for one. Punk hit a Kozlov style headbutt. Hardy rolled Punk up weakly and waited for Punk to come back and stomp him. Hardy hit an electric chair when Punk missed the knee in the corner. Hardy hit the Side Effect but Punk hit the high knee/bulldog combo for two. Punk went for the Pepsi Plunge mid ring but Hardy reversed it, dropping his full weight onto Punk for two. Punk came back with a double underhook backbreaker for two. The former ECW champ went for the Go 2 Sleep, but Hardy escaped and went for the Twist of Fate but Punk threw him off. Punk went for a Mahistrol Cradle, but Hardy caught him in the middle of the attempt with a three count.
Your winner, by pinfall, the US Champ, Matt Hardy! Fine match, slightly longer than on RAW. These two could have a really strong pay-per-view match at some point. Four minutes, forty eight seconds.
Punk was shocked he got pinned like that as Hardy ties up their rivalry.
Back from break, the former US champion MVP made his way out for his shot in the Championship Chase tourney. His opponent is another former US champion, Finlay. If Hornswoggle gets involved in this, I won’t be surprised.
Championship Chase match #2: MVP vs. Finlay
Hornswoggle threw tennis balls into the ring which distracted MVP so Finlay could grab the offense. Finlay and MVP engaged in some neat chain wrestling on the mat. Finlay took over with a European uppercut and stomp for two. Finlay locked on a chinlock and MVP tried to escape by pulling on his ear. Finlay launched himself into the ringpost and MVP applied Little Guido’s old armbar finisher.
Back from break, Finlay had not tapped. Mick Foley said he did not know of a time where Finley tapped out. I’m nearly certain he has before, he‘s wrestled Chris Benoit many times; if anyone knows let me know. MVP kicked Finlay out of the ring. MVP intimidated Hornswoggle, so Finlay retook the advantage. MVP trapped Finlay’s arm between the stairs and ring but Finlay pulled it out before MVP could kick the steps. Finlay and MVP brawled for awhile. Finlay body slammed MVP, whose legs whiplashed against the ropes. Finlay applied a half crab. Finlay slammed MVP near the ropes again for two. MVP applied a modified Fujiwura armbar. Finlay and MVP knocked heads but Finlay hit a back suplex for the pin. The referee ruled that both men’s shoulders were down.
Your winner, DRAW! Good technical wrestling by both men here as they chose a part of the body to work on, and attacked it throughout the match. How does WWE reward a good technical match? They book it as a non-finish. Nobody wins, the fans lose. Ten minutes, forty nine seconds.
Back from break, Kelly Squared headed out to the ring. Foley made fun of Adamle, saying he called her “Jelly Jelly†on ECW. Natalya Neidhart is out to wrestle too.
Match #3: Kelly Kelly vs. Natalya.
Natalya hit a nice overhead suplex. Kelly went for a goofy slap but Neidhart blocked it. Natalya hit a nice slam before dropping an elbow. Kelly came back with some leg kicks. Kelly went for her cartwheel handspring move but Natalya caught her in a nice suplex for a one count. Natalya applied a Mexican Surfboard stretch. Kelly hit some light offense. Natalya yanked her off the middle rope and locked in the Sharpshooter for the win.
Your winner, by submission, Natalya! Natalya continues on her “I’m new, so I must be awesome†winning streak. Thing is, she really is. She looks really good in the ring, and despite one early kickout, Kelly did well in her role as cannon fodder. Two minutes, forty seconds.
Backstage Michelle McCool was watching a monitor. Cole said you have to wonder what was going through her mind. She was wearing an expression saying “Oh look, a TV!â€
They threw it to a video package where WWE finds as many geeks as it can to ask them if a heel did right.
Backstage, Vickie announced that she decided MVP and Finlay both won the match so both will advance to the Championship Chase battle royal.
In the arena, John Morrison cued his music for his shot at a shot at the World Title. His opponent is Batista, so there goes the drama
Match #3: WWE Tag Team Co-Champion John Morrison vs. Batista
Morrison told Miz something on the stage, and Miz went backstage. Morrison missed a kick, then hit a few. Morrison left the ring but reentered when Batista followed. Morrison hit a flying dropkick through the ropes. Batista hit Lesnar shoulderblocks in the corner but set himself too early. Nevertheless, he caught Morrison, but the former ECW champ kicked him out of the ring. He threw the Animal into the stairs. A “Batista†chant broke out and a few people countered with a “Sucks†chant. Morrison applied a headlock. Cole said if Morrison were to win, it’d be one of the biggest upsets in Smackdown history. Morrison hit a missile dropkick for two. Nitro hit the breakdance legdrop for two. Morrison gave Batista a drop toe hold right into the turnbuckles. A very small “You Cant Wrestle†chant broke out. Batista caught Nitro in powerbomb position but Morrison took him down with a headscissors. Nitro went for his finisher, but Batista caught him with a back body drop. A brief brawl broke out, but all it takes is a spinebuster and powerbomb for Batista to add another win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Batista! Impressive showing by Morrison, giving an example that he can hang with the main event of Smackdown for awhile at least. Pretty good as a small man vs. big man match as well, though for all the talk about a win being among the biggest in Smackdown history seemed false to me compared to how much offense he got on Batista. Six minutes, thirty seven seconds.
Backstage Big Show gave Nunzio a fist bump and made his way to the ring.
Back from break, Show cued his music and finally made it to the ring. His opponent is Tommy Dreamer, who’ got his Judgment Day “I’m losing today†shirt on. Dreamer was selling his injuries from ECW and his match with Mike “Syringes†Knox.
Championship Chase Match #4: The Big Show vs. Tommy Dreamer
Cole called Tommy Dreamer a “former ECW championship.†Show hit some big knees and headbutts to the Innovator of Violence. Dreamer punched Show in the stomach but Show hit an elbow drop and big chop. Dreamer got a boot up and hit a double axe handle. After a few punches, Big Show hit a Chokeslam for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, The Big Show! Squash. One minute, thirty nine seconds.
Back from break, we’re all ready for another Championship Chase match.
Championship Chase Match #5: Chavo Guerrero vs. Kane – non-title match
So two wreslers who’ve already been feuding over a title are now wrestling for a shot at a different title? Really? Kane used his power to counteract Chavo’s speed. Kane press slammed Chavo and went for the Chokeslam but Chavo got a rope break. Kane “knee’d†himself on the top rope so Chavo could take him down and go to work. Chavo’s been working on that leg for weeks says Michael Cole. Bam Neely did the same when Chavo distracted the ref. Mick Foley said “I don’t like that.†Chavo went up top but Kane caught him in Boogeyman Chokebomb position. Chavo escaped and went back to working on Kane’s legs. Chavo applied a rare leg and chin submission. I don’t remember what that move is called. Chavo hit a missile dropkick. Kane sat up which freaked Chavo out. Kane hit the Big Boot. Kane hit a big back body drop and a body slam for two. The ECW champ hit some clotheslines, but the former ECW champ escaped a sideslam attempt. He went up top but was caught in the Choke. Chavo went for a sunset flip, but Kane sat down on it for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Kane! I’ve heard that these two have had pretty good matches at house shows, but for some reason it doesn’t come across that way on TV. What does it say about Kane that his most interesting feud in years is with the guy who used to be Kerwin White? Five minutes, fifty six seconds.
After the match, Kane booted an interfering Bam Neely and didn’t allow Chavo to attack him. Chavo had some issue rolling out of the ring.
Back from break, Vladimir Kozlov was set to face our Jobber of the Week, Phil Atlas. Atlas has won tag team gold in BCW (with current ROH wrestler Jimmy Jacobs) and MPW (with El Reverso). His biggest singles win was in a fourway match against Danny Daniels and ROH’s Jimmy Jacobs and BJ Whitmer.
Match #6: Vladimir Kozlov vs. Phil Atlas
Kozlov took Atlas down like I’ve never seen before. He used a modified fireman’s carry and a Mike Awesome belly to belly overhead suplex. Kozlov sent Atlas into a corner. Atlas hit a boot in the corner, but was slammed lightly onto the top turnbuckle. A kick, a headbutt and a reverse DDT. It’s over.
Your winner, by pinfall, Vladimir Kozlov! Squash, the sequel. One minute, twenty four seconds.
Backstage, Batista jumped around in preparation for the battle royal.
Match #7: Championship Chase Battle Royal: The Big Show vs. MVP vs. Kane vs. Finlay (coming out to his own music for once) vs. Matt Hardy vs. Batista
Surprisingly, Batista was the only man selling injuries from a previous match tonight. Pins and submissions will not count in this match. Three brawls broke out and there’s no amount of typing I could do to keep up with all the action in a battle royal. Big Show nearly eliminated Matt Hardy. MVP, Hardy, Finlay, Show and Kane took turns on Show, until they decided not to anymore. Big Show hit a nasty chop on Matt Hardy that revived the crowd somewhat. MVP rolled out of the ring, which isn’t an elimination. Kane and Batista double teamed Big Show but were unable to eliminate him. Show almost eliminated Finlay, but he did hit a huge chop on both the Irishman and the Animal. MVP rolled out again. Finlay almost eliminated Matt Hardy. Matt Hardy and Kane worked together on Show, ignoring their old feud over Lita.
Back from break, everybody was still in the match. MVP got bored with the match and left the ring yet again. Big Show stood on MVP’s chest and Batista snuck up from behind, nearly eliminating Show. MVP wussed out AGAIN. Finlay almost dumped MVP out of the ring. Matt Hardy hit the Side Effect on Finlay. MVP snuck up from behind and tossed Hardy out of the ring!
Matt Hardy eliminated.
Big Show set Kane up and gave him an Avalanche. Batista ran into a big boot. MVP put Finlay in a camel clutch but Kane ran over him with a boot, tripping over him in the process. Batista Spear’d Show. Finlay used the shillelagh on everyone except Kane because, oh yeah, this match is No DQ as well.
Finlay eliminated.
Big Show unconvincingly stood on MVP’s chest. MVP went for the big running kick, but his momentum took him out of the ring.
MVP eliminated.
Big Show clotheslined Kane out.
Kane eliminated.
Show and Batista faced off. Cole said Batista would use his “quickness to out-quick†the Big Show. Show used headbutts to wear down the Animal. Show hit a big lariat. Batista came back with an ugly drop toe hold. Batista went for the Batista Bomb but Show picked him up. Batista pulled a Chris Benoit out of his hat and headscissored Big Show out of the ring for the win.
Oh wait, Vickie came out to say Edge had JUST been medically cleared. Edge ran down and speared Batista, who had gone over the top rope to headscissor Show, out of the ring for the win.
Your winner, by eliminating Batista, Edge! Edge is going to Judgment Day to wrestle Undertaker for the title. Fine with me, Batista is not interesting and has been in WAY too many main events for my liking. I liked Taker vs. Edge at Wrestlemania but I didn’t see Backlash. Hopefully Taker and Edge come up with something we haven’t seen before.
As Edge celebrated, the pedestal with the World Title displayed on it exploded and Taker’s gong played.
Favorite match: Pretty strong weak for wrestling, but I have to choose MVP vs. Finlay, despite the trash ending. Solid technical match there.
Least favorite match: Vladimir Kozlov vs. Phil Atlas. Despite sharing a name with our Jobber of the Week, I have no reason to care about either of these guys, and that only creates apathy.
Well, I guess this Crackdown ended up not being that condensed after all, did it? It’s because I love you Crack-heads oh so very much. Stay tuned for more goodness, and until then, keep your teeth clean!
