D2 Review – American Idol Finale – “Nice Guys Named David who can Sing”

Season 7: Idol Finale

The season altogether was NOT the greatest season ever as the self proclaimed judges and Seacrest-out have stated. Just like they do every year. No, this season was probably one of the worst. Never have there been so many loss of lyrics by contestants in a single season nor any personality or character development, not to mention lowest ratings the shows seen in over 5 years. Top that with Carly and Michael Johns early exits, keeping Brooke and Jason in the top 5. Man… if it weren’t for Cook, there could’ve been even lower ratings.

But in tribute to our new Idol, I shall attempt to sum up the season with word nerd and lyrically rhythmic inspired Haiku:

12 – David Hernandez:

Good Voice. Crooked Nose.
Danced for Ladies and Money.
Gone like a butt thong.

11 – Amanda Overmeyer

Demi Moore on crack
Hair stylist was Bonnie Raitt
Dressed by Courtney Love

10 – Chekieze

Colorful Suit-man
Wanted to be R&B
Booted for country

9 – Ramiele

Smaller than Seth Green
Didn’t she date Mini Me?
Mike Myers is pissed.

8 – Michael Johns

Hot. Aussie. Married.
Married? You sure? Yes, I’m sure.
Left the show too soon.

7 Kristy Lee Cook

My Horse Ran Away
Sang God Bless the USA
Bottom Three Again?

6 Carly Smithson

Inked up Irish lass
Husband’s got a tattoo face
I’m the coolest chick

5 Brooke White

You like folk music?
I burned my bra at Kent State
Can I start over?

4 Jason Castro

Um… uh… you know…
I dunno… heh… heh… mmmm… yeah…sorta
Well.. just cause.

3 Syesha Mercado

What’s wrong with my song?
Randy, you know you loved it.
Show Simon some leg.

2 – David Archuleta
Sweet Teen Balladeer
Daddy’s naïve puppet boy
See you in 5 years

1 – David Cook
Rocker Dude Word Nerd
Billie Jean’s not my Lover
Winner by a mile

5, 7, 5 and my pentameter is done.

Idol finales usually draw some of the biggest names in the industry.
This year had the uber hot Seal singing with Syesha, ZZ Top singing with Cook and one Republic singing with Archie. Now, how sad is it that you know Syesha and Cook were peeing in their pants at the thought of dueting with such legends in the industry as Seal and the TOP! And Archie gets a 1 hit 1der from this year. I Apologize… they have another hit out… sorry… ONE republic hit wonder. Place your own punctuation, please.

Howevah… they saved the best for last: George Michael. I cried. I stood up. I started to dance and for the first time in my life… I felt like I could be Paula Abdul’s best friend. She was right there with me as my boyfriend, my future husband to our non-existing-children… which… can we visit this for a moment? Is it NOT a shame that GEORGE MICHAEL hasn’t procreated in order to bless the world with more of his talents? Shame…

GM is my favorite vocalist of all time. So, since peensy eensy weensy David sang Sungodownonme… I YouTubed it and it led me through the labyrinth of the web. The next thing I know, I’m drinking scotch til 2am watching hours of George Michael You Tube videos, concerts, interviews. A fan? You can call it that. Let’s just say that even after he’s outed himself… I still think I have a chance. BTW… does anyone remember GM’s duet with Elton in the 80’s “Wrap Her Up”? You GOTTA watch all these vintage videos. There’s fringe, fluorescent, mullets, supermodels, and of course, Choose Life! I found a video of an extremely smokin’ GM singing at Showtime at the Apollo… with a mullet. Now, how many white guys with mullets can you find singing at the Apollo in Harlem to a roar of applause? Billy Ray Cyrus? Not even with Miley or Hannah Montana at your side tossing dollar bills to the crowd. I could go on for hours on George… but I gotta get to Bryan Adams!!

I Need Somebody. And Bryan Adams needs to get back in the public eye. He’s looking great. Sounding great. And… I love him… he’s an original and truly made the song his own. Wait. Am I really tuning into Paula’s bff?

Then we had Donna Summer and ZZ Top and Graham Nash. Great. Great. And Great.

Is it 1985? Is Paula gonna get up on stage? Forever Your Girl? Clearly we were in a time warp.

Well, we can’t forget about the youth in the audience and on the stage, bringing back Idol winners Carrie Underwood and Jordin Sparks and Nikelodeon favorites the Jonas Brothers.

Mike Myers plugging his new movie was hilarious and Cook seemed to play along with the shtick while doe-eyed Archie just sat there and smiled. In a fog. Completely clueless to what was going on. Jimmy Kimmel was hilarious as usual. And the lost footage of Gladys Knight with Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey, Jr. just proved that Jack Black is a scene-stealing brilliant comedian.

And at the end of one of the lowest rated seasons, Ryan announced that 97 million votes were cast. 97 million people can’t be wrong, can they? And they weren’t. As Ryan predictably paused after “David…..” he sealed Season 7 with a Cook and so the future begins. Many congrats for getting it right America. And many congrats to David Cook. Can’t wait for your record to drop!