Smackdown Crackdown 5-30-08

Finally, the Crack HAS COME BACK to Pulse! After a few tumultuous weeks busy with the end of the school year, I finally have the time to focus again on the Crackdown. Let’s get right to it!

We start with an announcement from Edge that he will show some of the best moments of the Undertaker’s career because it is the last time we’ll see the Deadman on Smackdown. What a kind guy!

Batista’s cued his music after a slight pause between the intro and the arena. We are NOT live from Colorado Springs, the town where my grandmother and much of her family lives. Two days away from Four Night Stand and Batista has something to say. Oh no. He soaked in the reaction from the crowd. He says he doesn’t have much to say, which is nice. Like Shawn Michaels, Batista says he’s a man of his word. At Four Night Stand, Batista promises to “hurt” Shawn Michaels. He wants people to forgive him for what he’s going to do. After he beats HBK, he wants the winner of the TLC match. Before he could say anything else, Vickie Guerrero interrupted to much heat. A “You Suck” chant broke out. Vickie asks how Batista has the right to challenge the World Title. Whoops. Vickie says Batista’s words don’t mean anything if Batista falls to HBK’s politicking…I mean bag of tricks. If Batista loses, it makes all of Smackdown look bad. Batista doesn’t care and says Vickie should attend to the beating Undertaker will give him at Four Night Stand. The Edgeheads said Vickie deserves respect. Batista said to make him. Vickie said only she can decide when and where Batista fights. She makes the Edgeheads vs. Batista and whoever wants to be his partner. Batista make a ridiculous facial expression and we Cloverfield-cut to a package on Undertaker’s debut at the Survivor Series of 1990. Always nice to hear the voices of Ted Dibiase and Gorilla Monsoon. We also saw him give Koko B. Ware the Tombstone, which Koko claims to this day to be the first person ever to take the move. However, we did not see Taker’s elimination by countout.

Matt Hardy walked to the ring backstage.

Back from break, Hardy arrived. I guess it takes him four minutes to get there. Cole called the pay per view “One Night Stand Extreme Rules.” Elijah Burke cued his music to face Hardy.

Match #1: Matt Hardy vs. Elijah Burke – non-title

Foley credited Burke as one of the wrestlers who are so near the big time. He also said that if Burke were to win, he’d be first in line for Hardy’s US Title. Burke briefly took control, but Hardy sent Burke into the turnbuckle an hit a clothesline for one. Foley claims Burke never got that one big win to launch his career. I’m not entirely sure about this, as the man does hold a pinfall victory over Rob van Dam to his credit as part of the ECW Originals vs. The New Breed feud, but at the same time, they didn’t go all that far with it. Burke hit the 4-Up punch and a splash against the ropes, smoothly sliding out of the ring. Burke rained punches onto the US champ and applied a headlock. Hardy escaped but ran into a back elbow. Hardy fell into a rather unfortunate position, especially if you were flipping channels at that exact time. Burke snapped Hardy over the top rope and hit a top rope fist drop. Burke took Hardy down with a snapmare and headlock as the crowd chanted “Hardy!” Foley said Eve Torres had a chokehold on Matt Hardy’s heart. Huh? Hardy suplexed Burke, who didn’t let go of the hold, so Hardy suplexed him again. That time it worked, and Hardy hit a Russian leg sweep. Foley said Eve Torres recommended PB+J as a good snack to get him through the show. Bizarre. Hardy hit a top rope elbow. He called for the Side Effect but Burke escaped and went for a backslide but Hardy escaped and hit the Side Effect for two. Hardy went for the Bulldog, and Burke tried to push him off but Hardy hit a Twist of Fate out of nowhere for the win.

Your winner, by pinfall, Matt Hardy! Best match I’ve seen on Smackdown for three weeks. Ba dum tish! In all seriousness though, this was a fine match, as it showed Hardy’s strengths especially now that he’s a champion. Burke is a very skilled jobber at the moment and was able to perform a nice little match with one of Smackdown’s most popular wrestlers. Five minutes, thirty one seconds.

Burke argued with the ceiling as Hardy celebrated his victory.

Backstage, MVP was interviewed. He said nobody cares about Hardy and he is the most talented man on the roster. Enter Jaime Noble, saying he was hearing MVP blame his problems on other things. Noble said they are a lot alike. MVP said he was “half man, half amazing” but Noble was only “half a man.” Noble said he was just giving some advice but MVP didn’t want to hear it. Noble challenged MVP to a match and as he walked away, MVP reacted as if to say “did I really just go from the US title to a guy who feuded with Chuck Palumbo?”

Back from break, Finlay hit Hornswoggle’s music instead of his own. Foley name dropped the Billy Goats Gruff. Speaking of Palumbo, he drove to the ring in a Slash hat to wrestle. Apparently Palumbo was met by some leftover Tajiri green mist last week and this is the result.

Match #2: Finlay vs. Chuck Palumbo.

If I told a WCW fan in 2000 that either of these guys would be around eight years later, several asses would have been laughed off. Palumbo is starting to look like TNA’s Lance Hoyt. Palumbo dominated for awhile and hit a nice overhead suplex. He charged Finlay, but sent himself into the ringpost. Finlay applied an armbar. Foley said Finlay was the second biggest opportunist in the game. Finlay gave Palumbo a drop toe hold into the ring steps as if he were Raven. Finlay again sidestepped Palumbo but ran into a big boot. Palumbo hit a Tombstone shoulder breaker and headed up to the second rope. He missed the Brother Ray back senton. Finlay clotheslined him out of the ring but Palumbo sent him into the ring apron. Palumbo pulled Hornswoggle out from under the ring but Finlay took the opportunity to strike. Palumbo took over again however and hit Finlay with a chain from his motorcycle, prompting the DQ.

Your winner, by disqualification, Finlay! Not as bad as I had expected. That’s really about all I can say on this match. Four minutes, four seconds.

Palumbo drove away as Horny tended to Finlay.

Backstage, Vickie told the Edgeheads it’ll probably be a handicap match against Batista. Noble walked in and asked for his match with MVP, which Vickie OK’d. They told him to leave as they talked some more. Another Cloverfield cut and we saw clips from the amazing Undertaker vs. Mankind match from King of the Ring 1998, even seeing a shot of the great Terry Funk from the back. Tonight, Taker appears on the Cutting Edge.

Back from break, the tag team champions headed to the ring, but tonight it’s just about John Morrison. His opponent, for the 470th time, is the former ECW champion CM Punk.

Match #3: John Morrison vs. CM Punk – neither the tag team title or the MITB case are on the line

These guys have not had any bad matches, so seeing them match up again is exciting. Foley said his favorite pay per view is Four Night Stand, and he can’t stand the Miz. After an argument with the referre, Miz was ejected from ringside. Punk scored a rollup for two and hit some leg kicks. Punk hit some more kicks but Morrison snapped him backwards over the top rope. Morrison hit a jawbreaker and a kick of his own for two. Morrison applied the Masterlock but Punk countered into the G2S. Morrison got out, but Punk hit the high knee and bulldog for two. Punk hit a big powerslam for two. Foley said Morrison told him he uses his abs to grate cheese for his omelets. Foley said if he tried, he’d just “smear cheese all over my doughy midsection.” I love Mick Foley but I may never eat eggs again. Morrison went for an overhead suplex, but Punk showed an impressive feat of strength countering it into the Go 2 Sleep, which he hit for the win.

Your winner, by pinfall, CM Punk. By far their worst match, but only because it was disturbingly shorter than their other encounters. Two minutes, 59 seconds.

As Punk celebrated, Foley said “hopefully Morrison isn’t dreaming about the cheese on my doughy midsection.” Wow. After the break, Batista and a faceless portrait of Tommy Dreamer will face the Edgeheads.

Back from the break, Batista cued his music again for his match. Batista made his boobs dance for the fans. He said he doesn’t need a partner as the Edgeheads made their way to the ring. Vickie asked where Batista’s partner was. Batista said she didn’t hear properly; he said he didn’t NEED a partner, not that he doesn’t HAVE one. Cue Big Show’s music. The big man wheeled Vickie backstage and didn’t allow the Heads to follow.

Match #4: Batista/The Big Show vs. The Edgeheads

Show “chased” the Heads back to the ring. He shook hands and had an awkward man hug with Batista as the Animal and Curt Hawkins started the match. Batista hit a big back elbow and rammed Hawkins into the corner. Batista hit a really weak Big Show chop, so Show tagged in and showed him how it’s done. Hawkins tagged Ryder. Show pulled Ryder into the ring only by his hair from the floor. Very impressive. Foley namedropped the Monkees as the Edgeheads’ speed allowed them to take over on Batista for awhile. Mick said Cole never thanked him for replacing the Coach on commentary. Thank you Mick! Batista came back with some power moves before finally hitting a spinebuster. He went for the Batista Bomb, as Big Show caught Ryder coming in off the top. The big men hit a simultaneous Batista Bomb and Chokeslam for the win.

Your winner, by pinfall, Batista and The Big Show! Fun match for a big men vs. cronies story. Nobody really expected the Heads to win here, especially after Show revealed himself as the tag partner. Three minutes, twenty two seconds.

Time for another Cloverfield cut, as we saw a recap of the mini match between Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker at the end of the Royal Rumble match of 2007.

After that, Maryse and Cherry talked pointlessly where Maryse said she hurt her ankle kicking Cherry’s face. Yawn.

Back from break, MVP cued his music but went without the inflatable hut entry. It’s time for that match made earlier against Jaime Noble. Jaime Noble cued his music to not much reaction.

Match #5: MVP vs. Jaime Noble

MVP quickly took advantage, but Noble applied a rolling drop toe hold. MVP came back with some knees to the gut for two. MVP whipped Noble into the turnbuckle and choked him against the ropes. MVP continued to work the ribs of the former Cruiserweight champion. Porter sent Noble high into the air, crashing to the mat. Noble was able to come back with a dropkick to the knee and an enziguri. Noble threw his entire weight into the former US champ in the corner. Noble landed a top rope knee drop for two. MVP tossed Noble into the ropes and hit an enziguri of his own for the win.

Your winner, by pinfall, Montel Vontavius Porter! High energy for a squash match. Noble did almost all he could do to get the crowd on his side, but couldn’t pull off a big upset win. Still, whoever decided this match should go longer than Punk vs. Morrison should be slapped with a fish. Three minutes, thirty three seconds.

We go to our fourth Cloverfield moment of the night, as a recap of Undertaker and Batista’s World Title match at Wrestlemania 23 aired. That match was very good, much better than anybody thought it would be.

Back from break, Cole announced next week that Jimmy Kimmel’s cousin Sal will wrestle Santino Marella. Mick Foley, saying all that needs to be said, declared “this could set Smackdown back a decade.”

In the arena, Shannon Moore was already in the ring. His opponent is Vladimir Kozlov. The fans chanted “USA” at him for the first time I know of. Cole said Kozlov’s “granite-like features, stone-like face of Vladimir Kozlov has been nothing short of impressive.” He’s getting his lines confused.

Match #6: Shannon Moore vs. Vladimir Kozlov.

Shannon hit some punches and kicks but Kozlov hit the Zinedine headbutt. Kozlov punted Shannon’s midsection. Shannon came back with more punches but Kozlov hit the Mike Awesome overhead suplex. Kozlov hit the reverse DDT on Moore for the win.

Your winner, by pinfall, Vladimir Kozlov! This has to lead somewhere, doesn’t it? One minute, twenty eight seconds.

Back from break, Michelle McCool made her way to the ring as she faced Maryse, who’s a significantly less talented version of Angelina Love.

Match #7: Michelle McCool vs. Maryse.

Foley sang his own version of The Beatles’ Michelle in tribute to McCool. McCool scored some quick takedowns and a dropkick. Maryse choked McCool in the corner a la Stacy Kiebler. Maryse hit a chop block and started working the knee of her opponent. As Maryse applied a single leg Boston crab, Cherry came on to the stage to distract everybody and McCool applied a Brazilian heel hook for the win, although Maryse only tapped the mat once.

Your winner, by submission (?), Michelle McCool! Well, at least nobody got hurt. One minute, fifty four seconds.

Another Cloverfield moment showed last year on Smackdown when Edge cashed in the Money in the Bank title shot and won the World Title from the Undertaker.

Back from break and it’s time for the Cutting Edge show. You’re host Edge is here, and the World Title is suspended over the ring. Edge says he’s had a specter hanging over his head ever since he arrived at Smackdown. That specter’s name is the Undertaker. The winner at Four Night Stand is the man who retrieves the title belt. If Undertaker loses, he’s banned from the entire WWE. Edge doesn’t mean a ban where somebody disappears for a few weeks and reappears on a different show. Edge has shown videos all night, and he wants to show one more comparing Taker and Edge’s experience in TLC matches. Taker’s video was zero seconds long because he’s never been in one. Edge on the other hand, IS the Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match. The highlight video, taking an obvious “inspiration” from Indiana Jones, showed some top moments from previous TLC matches involving Edge, including a chairshot on TNA’s Brother Ray. After that video, Edge introduced his opponent, the Undertaker. No midgets this time, the real Undertaker made his way to the ring. Edge said he knows Taker feels uncomfortable around tables, ladders and chairs, so he had the other members of La Familia bring down a casket to make him feel more comfortable. Undertaker tried to attack Edge, who escaped, but he attacked La Familia, and the numbers game eventually caught up to him. Edge waited with a steel chair as Hawkins, Ryder, Neely and Chavo attacked Taker. Undertaker went to Chokeslam Chavo Guerrero onto the casket, but Edge caught the Deadman with the chair. The beat down proceeded until Edge and Chavo rolled Undertaker into the casket/ Edge climbed the ladder and talked about the symbolism of his legend growing. Undertaker’s gong hit however, and Undertaker was on the top of the ladder with Edge! Taker beat La Familia down and went to Chokeslam Edge through the table, but he escaped. Rather, Taker gave the Last Ride powerbomb to one of the Edgeheads, sending him right through the table.

Favorite match: In a week that was very light on actual wrestling, I have to give this to Matt Hardy vs. Elijah Burke. Both men delivered in an environment that didn’t exactly allow for a good match to occur.

Least favorite match: John Morrison vs. CM Punk. Not due to the match, but due to its length, or lack thereof.

Hope you enjoyed and tune in again next week. As always, keep your teeth clean!