We’re taking PPV…. to THE EXTREME! For fun, let’s all keep track of the number of five-counts we get in No-DQ matches.
Umm. Holy crap.
First Match: Falls Count Anywhere: Jeff Hardy vs. UmagaUmaga does a mini-roaring lion pose during his entrance. And then… my DirecTV blinks out, for no reason whatsoever. Weird. Unfortunately, with an HDTV receiver with DVR, it takes a while for the thing to reboot. We come back at 8:10, with Umaga standing halfway down a flight of stairs. Hardy slides down the railing (in the middle of the steps) and hits Umaga with a cross-body. Well, that was inventive. They both climb back up, into the concession area. Hardy thrown into a trash can, 2 count. We go outside the arena, where Hardy gets thrown into a forklift for 2. Umaga bounces Hardy’s head off a WWE truck, Hardy returns the favor on a different truck. Hardy chokes him out for 2. Hardy climbs up a giant HBK… oh, it’s just painted on the back of a truck. Umaga climbs after him, but is kicked off. Hardy gets to the top of the 18 wheeler, and doe sa swanton… which in theory is on the blacktop, but the view of the “impact” is blocked by various equipment. The ref slowly walks over, and counts the three.
Winner: Jeff Hardy
Michael Cole and Mick Foley are at the commentary table. Foley, taped earlier today, explains the rules of the Stretcher Match.
Shawne Merriman in the house, giving a big finger to the Wellness Program.
Cole throws it to Tazz and Mike Adamle, who talk up the 5-man Singapore Cane Match. Oh, I’m sorry – Singapore Cane *on a pole* match. (Yeesh.) So, four poles, five wrestlers. The odds on the other four getting the chance to wail on Big Show with canes at the same time are currently running at 2:5.
Second Match: Singapore Cane on a Pole Match: CM Punk vs. Chavo vs. Tommy Dreamer vs. John Morrison vs. The Big Show According to Tazz, Tommy Dreamer has over 60 matches “with Singapore Cane experience.” Yup, that’ll probably come in handy – especially since he probably lost 59 of them. The bell rings, and all four go after The Big Show. And all four go down – Morrison is the only one who even tries to climb a pole. Morrison is put on top of Chavo, and TBS drops an elbow on both. Misses the elbow drop on Dreamer – CM Punk with a roundhouse kick, Morrison with a Shining Wizard, Dreamer with a DDT, Chavo with a Frog Splash in quick succession. All four climb up and grab a cane, and then they take turns whacking TBS in various body parts. (Let the record show – I called that before the match started.) Dreamer and Punk team up to take TBS over the ropes to the floor, but lose their canes in the process – Morrison and Chavo take advantage. Chavo tosses Punk the floor and follows – Chavo ends up getting thrown into Michael Cole (FAVORITE. MATCH. EVAH.) Chavo reverses, Punk against the railing, Chavo charges with the cane but misses Punk and hits.. Shawn Merriman?? Wow. Chavo monkey flipped over the Smackdown table, and Merriman is selling the cane shot quite well. Punk climbs on the table, Merriman calls for the cane – and Punk tosses it to him. Chavo up – and takes a WHACK from Merriman, who then does his Lights Out sack dance for good measure. HAH! TBS after Morrison, but gets jumped from behind by The Miz – who then gets tosses into the railing for his trouble. Show picks the stairs up over his head, but Morrison takes him out from behind with a cane. Back in the ring, Punk gets a powerslam on Chavo for 2. Morrison with a cane shot, Dreamer gets a cane-assisted overhead suplex on Morrison. Dreamer with Punk in a fireman’s carry, Punk reverses to the GTS, Dreamer counters, and into… a Texas Cloverleaf? Didn’t see that coming. Morrison breaks it up with the cane. TBS is busted open outside the ring. Morrison tries for the superplex on Chavo, reversed to a front suplex. Punk climbs, and all four get taken out in the ensuing car crash spot. TBS is up – and he’s pissed. Oh – there’s now a whole trash can full of canes outside the ring – okay. Miz gets destroyed, Morrison is next. TBS moves the trash can up to the apron – cane shots a-go-go. Dreamer charges with a cane – gets caught, choke-slam! No cover? TBS props Dreamer up in the corner, sarcastic applause. Show with a cane, smiling at the crowd – cane shot to the top of the head. Covered with one foot – 1-2-3.
Winner: The Big Show
Kane is seen backstage, laughing while watching a monitor.
From Raw – Vince is going to give away a million bucks of his own money. Todd Grisham talks to Mr. McMahon backstage, asking about the announcement. “I guarantee it.” It’s now “McMahon’s Million Dollar Mania.” The details are coming tomorrow night on Raw. WWE employees are not eligible, much to Todd’s dismay. Ron Simmons has only one thing to say about that.
Third Match: First Blood: JBL vs. John CenaJBL immediately takes one of the corner turnbuckles off. Cena does the same to the opposite corner. Punches and kicks to start – I know, I’m as shocked as you. JBL misses the big boot, Cena with a clothesline. Outside the ring, JBL’s head is bounced off the announce table – in a nice touch, he immediately checks his forehead for blood. Cena over the top rope. JBL works on the forehead. Half of the crowd has now completely turned on Cena – just because, I guess. Not to be outdone, the female and under-10 portion of the crowd gets a decent “CENA! CENA!” chant going. The pace here is… let’s be nice and say “methodical”. Cena with 5 punches as a comeback, stopped with a thumb to the eye, and another boot. JBL grabs a steel chair (“As legal as a headlock”), but misses – Cena back with even more punches, JBL stops that with a mic shot to the forehead. (I love when they do that while the mic is turned on.) Another mic shot back in the ring. A third shot misses – Cena with punches, two shoulderblocks off the ropes, suplex… waves his hand, 5 Knuckle Shuffle. Set up for an FU, too close to the ropes. JBL back on the outside, tosses Cena into the steel post – no blood. JBL grabs the stairs – misses. JBL pulls the foam off the ringside barricade, bounces Cena’s head off that. DDT attempt on the stairs – Cena holds on the turnbuckle rope to counter. Cena grabs his own mic – POW. Cheese grater on the steps – no blood. Cena grabs the chair, back into the ring – JBL counters. JBL bounces Cena’s head off one of the exposed turnbuckles – no blood. Clotheslines from Hell misses, Cena gets a bulldog onto the chair – no blood. JBL pulls a chain from the towel he wore into the ring – shot to the gut. Cena up slowly, JBL swings and misses, FU! Cena is holding his gut and coughing repeatedly. JBL with a big boot – Cena gets his arms tied up in the ropes. JBL apparently decided to ignore the chain lying IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING, and instead grabs… a bullwhip?? He swings it menancingly a couple times, saunters over towards Cena with a smirk… and gets kicked in the junk. Cena out of the ropes, gets a chain-assisted STFU.. and the ref calls for the bell? Oh – blood is coming out of JBL’s mouth. Well, that was quick.
Winner: JBL
Backstage, Batista is staring into space. Randy Orton approaches him and wishes him luck. Orton reminds him about Evolution, and talks about the upcoming draft: if they end up on the same show, how about “getting the band back together”? But with a new group – they could be bigger than D-X ever was. Batista responds by… walking away.
Fourth Match: I Quit match: Beth Phoenix vs. MelindaIn a hilarious moment, of the “photographs” in Melina’s paparazzi trips over himself while trying to walk backwards and pretend to take pictures at the same time. They go boob-to-boob to start, and Beth backs Melina up to the ropes. Melina with a push and a kick, straight into a Guillotine. Beth tries to counter – Melina with a couple of knees to the jaw, off the ropes, crossbody is caught – backbreaker. Another backbreaker into a submission. Melina out with a couple more knees. Beth continues to work on the lower back with some elbows. Melina off the top rope with a face-plant. Melina with a drop-toe-hold-and-chinlock submission move (no idea what it’s called). Beth drags them both out of the ring to break it. Beth with a charge into the corner, and bends Melina backwards over the second rope. Back in, Beth gets the over-the-shoulder torture rack. Melina with a couple of forearms, Beth tosses her face-first to the canvas. Now, with an ARM-bar. Couple more random submissions, as the crowd starts to get rather bored. Melina gets a sunset flip in the corner, sending Beth’s face into the second turnbuckle. Melina kicks her straight in the ass – driving her shoulder into the ringpost. Melina now works on the shoulder – wrapping it around the rope, then gets a Japanese DDT. Melina with an arm-BAR. Beth fights up – Melina with a cross arm-breaker. Beth simply picks her up (quite easily), and gets a running powerbomb. Beth a front powerbomb, into a seated bow-and-arrow. Melina has a pretty good “I’m in so much pain I’m about to cry” face going. Beth lets go of the arms, and instead gets a two-hand chinlock – pulling Melina far enough so that her head is practically touching her feet. Seriously – that looks painful, though I know Melina is flexible enough for it. A few screams – and we finally get a “Yes, I quit!”
Winner: Beth Phoenix
The crowd pretty much hated it, but it honestly was much better than I expected.
Backstage, Cena is… in a doctor’s office I guess? “Girl on girl submission match? I’m good.” Micki James walks in, and Cena asks the doc for “a little private time”. Micki suggests that maybe she and Cena could practice some submission moves later tonight… when Mike Adamle decides to come strutting out of the men’s room behind them. Adamle is apparently going to take a trip to Tiajuana with his “old Gladiator buddy Gemini” – Cena and Micki decline the invitation to join.
The results of the mobile poll on the stretcher match: HBK 59%, Batista 41%.
A video recap of the recent history between those two.
Fifth Match: Stretcher Match: Batista vs. HBK Shawn charges, punches, gets thrown down. Second verse, same as the first. Third charge meets a lariat. Early Batista Bomb attempt, HBK out, gets clotheslined to the floor. HBK reverses an Irish whip into the stairs. Batista gets tosses shoulder-first into the steel ringpost. HBK with an enzuguiri. Batista put on the steps – HBK drives the stretcher into the midsection. Another shot to the head. Batista onto the stretcher, fights out. Another Batista Bomb attempt, HBK counters to a Guillotine. Batista onto the stretcher again, fights out again. HBK headfirst into the steel ringpost. Back-first into the ring, and the ringside barricade. Back into the ring, Batista with a huge lariat, a corner clothesline, and a powerslam. Spear misses, shoulder-first into the ringpost. HBK with the flying jalapeno, kip up, up top – hits the elbow. Shawn tunes up the band, but is taken down with a (rather casual) clothesline. Another Batista Bomb attempt, very close to the ropes – HBK fights out, Sweet Chin Music! Batista stumbles through the ropes, onto the stretcher, but HBK is out in the middle of the ring. Shawn… crawls… outiside… the ring. Tries to roll the stretcher up the ramp – Batista holds onto the ring apron. Again up the ramp – Batista simply rolls off. Shawn drives the stretcher into Batista’s ribs – twice. Third time is stopped – Batista see-saws the stretcher into HBK’s chin, then drives it into his head. Back in the ring, SPEAR. Shakes the ropes, Batista Bomb hits! Batista drags him over to the stretcher. And – Chris Jericho runs down to ringside? He begins yelling into HBK’s ear that he’s “better than this!” The refs force him backstage, and Batista rolls HBK back into the ring. (Hey, he did say he was going to hurt him.) HBK slowly crawls up, practically undressing Batista in the process – pushes off, gives a very weak not-at-all-super kick to the midsection. Batista smirks, picks him up, and says, “I don’t love you, and I am not sorry”. And a second Batista Bomb – HITS. Shawn is now dead – dragged to the stretcher, Batista goes up the ramp, Jericho again appears, yelling at Shawn to get up. Jericho actually stops the stretcher, telling Shawn to “show him what you got!” Batista walks back down to the ring, grabs the stairs, and plants them in the middle of the ramp. He pulls HBK up – spinebuster onto the stairs. Back onto the stretcher – this time, there’s no stopping it.
Winner: Batista
Video package for “The Legacy of Stone Cold Steve Austin”, which is on PPV all of June.
Sixth Match: Last Man Standing: Randy Orton vs. HHHOrton kicks HHH and tosses him outside the ring. Orton with punches – Irish whip into the stair is reversed. Orton’s head bounced off the Smackdown announce table. Back in the ring – beatdown in the corner. HHH tries to change around Orton’s facial features. Shoulder into the ringpost (how many times has this spot been done tonight?). And one more time. Punches, kneedrop to the head. HHH off the ropes – Orton with a dropkick. Orton tosses over the top rope. Head to the stairs, punch to the head. HHH clears off the ECW announce table. Both men on – Pedigree counter, RKO countered, Orton hits the DDT to the floor. Ref starts the count, HHH doesn’t even stir until 6, but is up at 9. Punches, and another count while Orton removes the padding from the ringside floor. RKO onto the concrete is countered – Orton into the ringpost. Back into the ring – Orton with a forearm to the back of the head. Flying kneedrop to the sternum. Orton tosses the stairs into the ring – nails HHH in the head with them, then tosses them out to ringside. Another count – HHH stirs at 4, again up at 9. Orton goes under the ring, pulls out an extension cord – HHH punches back, Orton with kick off the ropes, wraps the cord around HHH’s neck and chokes him out. Another count – Orton stalks while HHH staggers up at 9 again. RKO – HHH tosses him over the top straight to the floor. Count on Orton – HHH rolls out and pulls him up at 8. Orton into the ringside. Ref counts again – Orton up at 6. HHH goes under the ringside – pulls out… the sledgehammer. Sledge to the head – Orton is down, ref counts. 8… 9… 10. (I don’t know if Orton was legit hurt when he went over the top rope – I’m thinking about 70% yes. It was a somewhat strange non-climatic ending, and HHH did look legitimately concerned right after the match. I think he may have legit broken his collar-bone.)
Winner: HHH
Afterwards, Orton walks out under his own power.
Seventh Match: Tables Ladders and Chairs: Edge vs. The UndertakerEdge looks nervous as all get-out walking down to the ring. UT with a big boot right away. Couple of soup bones in the corner, followed by a few headbutts. More striking in the other corner. Naked choke. Old School hits, followed by a running big boot. UT out of the ring, grabbs a small ladder. Edge with a baseball slide, driving the ladder into UT’s head. Edge out, puts one table on top of another table. UT with a couple of ladder shots straight to Edge’s head. UT sets up another table, next to the two stacked ones. And then, puts a table on top of that one. Wow – that’s gonna be ugly. Edge gets a drop toehold, sending UT into the stairs headfirst. Edge gets a ladder into the ring, sets it up in the center. Climbs up, UT in – pulls Edge down into a slingshot on the top rope. UT sets the ladder on top of the corner. The cruel hand of fate intervenes – UT gets tossed into that ladder. Edge with another ladder – puts it in the opposite corner. Fate isn’t done – Edge takes a header into that one. UT with a third ladder – this one is set up in the center. UT climbs, Edge up the opposite side. UT bounces Edge’s head off the top of the ladder and tosses him onto one of the corner ladder. Edge staggers back into the center ladder – knocking UT into the ladder in the opposite corner. Well played, sirs. Edge puts a ladder cross-wise onto the corner – turns around to get kicked by UT, who then snake-eyes him. Edge kicked out of the ring. UT with a chair – shot to the ribs, shot to the back. Edge set up on the apron – kick to the head. UT up to the apron – goes for the leg drop, but Edge lifts up a chair and catches UT in the back of the knee. Edge goes after the knee again with the chair. Edge sets up the Big Ladder – laying it across the ring apron to the barricade. UT back – tries for the Last Ride – countered by a crotch shot. UT: “HHhhhhhh….” Edge grabs a steel chair, waits… cracks it over UT’s head. Edge sets up a table in front of the announce table area, and cracks another chair over UT’s cranium. UT onto the table, Edge climbs onto the Smackdown table – splash on UT through the table! Edge into the ring, sets up the ladder in the center – UT crawls in, pushes him off – Edge with a spear! Edge puts UT’s leg inside the ladder – slams it down. Goes outside, gets a chair – slams that onto the ladder with the knee still inside. Again. Again. Edge slides in the other Big Ladder, sets it up in the center. Chair shot to UT – and another for good measure. Edge slides the chair under UT’s head, goes out for another – the One Man Con-Chairto… is countered with a crotch shot! UT selling the knee – they go out on the apron – CHOKESLAM onto the ladder! (And I don’t know how it didn’t break in half.) UT goes to climb – and here come The Edge Boys. They pull in two tables, put UT onto one – and then put the other table on top of him. Okay – different. Hawkins to the top – UT kicks the other in the junk, grabs Hawkins by the throat – chokeslam to the table OUTSIDE the ring! UT grabs the other Edge Boy – he gets chokeslammed through ANOTHER table outside the ring. UT is on the apron – Edge back in – SPEAR! Edge, for some reason, puts the two tables back together inside the ring that UT had been lying inbetween. And THEN decides to climb the Big Ladder. UT rolls in, Edge is “three feet from glory” – UT catches him – Last Ride through TWO tables! The crowd is BESERK. UT gets on the ladder, slowly climbing (now selling the knee) – Bam Neeley and Chavo stop him. They set up for a Con-Chairto – UT ducks, Neeley takes out Chavo. UT with chair shots to both. The Big Ladder is set once again – suspiciously, well to the left of the hanging belt. UT up, almost to the top – Edge is up, pushes over the ladder – UT goes through all four tables set up outside! (Well, okay – he only broken 3 of the 4. But still – holy SHIT.) Edge gets the ladder up again, dead in the middle. Climbs, looks at UT, gets to the top… and grags the belt.
Winner: Edge
Well, if this is the last image of The Undertaker in the WWE… that was a heckuva way to go out.
