Blatt’s stuck on a train, so you get me tonight. No, please, stop, sit down – no applause is necessary. (Honestly, I haven’t watched ECW in months, so this should be fun.)
Fifth Match: Kane vs. CM Punk
Backstage, a couple of guys in ECW shirts are taking pictures down from the wall and cleaning up. Armando bursts in, and demands to know what they’re doing. “We’re just doing what the General Manager told us to do.” “I am the General Manager! My stuff!” But no – it’s Teddy Long. “Not any more, playa. Holla. Holla holla.” Playa.
I like the theme music. Who does it? (This isn’t yet another Saliva song, is it?)
First Match: Fatal Four Way: CM Punk vs. Tommy Dreamer vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. John Morrison CM Punk has “Happy Birthday Kate” written on the tape on his left forearm, and points it out for the camera. The cut Big Show took last night required 8 stitches, and apparently he also suffered a crack in his orbital bone. Ouchie. The winner of this match will be taking on Kane later tonight – in a non-title match? Non-title? WTF? The bell rings – Dreamer goes after Morrison, Punk after Chavo. Dreamer with an elbow drop on Morrison (who Adamle calls “Tommy Morrison”), then Punk does an overhead suplex on Chavo – onto Morrison. Punk goes for the cover – Dreamer pulls him off, and they exchange punches. Chavo with European Uppercuts on Morrison. Punk with a roll-up on Chavo for 1. More back-and-forth, Dreamer clotheslines Morrison over the top rope, then hits a lariat on the floor – only to get caught with a tope con hilo from Chavo – who then gets hit by a tope suicida from Punk. Inside the ring – running knee from Punk onto Morrison, who counters the bulldog and hits a roundhouse from the second rope. Dreamer breaks up the two count, and gets a Texas Cloverleaf on Morrison. Chavo in, with the Three Amigos, but Morrison breaks up the Frog Splash attempt. The superplex is stopped by Punk – Morrison hung up in the tree of woe, so Dreamer nails him with a dropkick. Punk with a springboard clothesline on Dreamer, 1 count. Chavo hits a Frog Splash on Dreamer, but doesn’t cover – Punk with the GTS on Chavo. 1-2-3.
Winner: CM Punk
Okay, so if there are 4 or more guys in the match, Punk can win. Just 2 guys? No chance.
Backstage, Teddy has a letter from the Board of Directors. Teddy says he’s work with Armando – who now has a match tonight, against “a very good friend of mine”, Matt Hardy. “I suggest you get to steppin’ now. Got a match tonight, remember? Good look out there, playa.”
Kofi Kingston joins the commentary crew at ringside. Oh, awesome – 10 minutes of “yeah, mon”.
Second Match: Shelton Benjamin vs. Matt Sydal Sydal doesn’t even get an entrance – I hope the whole RoH roster is watching this. Complete beatdown from Shelton, broken up by a random roll-up for a 1 count. Spinning backkick, then a roundhouse, then a flying headscissors from Sydal. Top rope kneedrop for 2. Shelton counters with a front facedrop. (It’s weird seeing Shelton play the “power” guy in a match.) Gorilla press into a gutbuster. Kofi says “Na-mean?” about 6 times. Shelton tosses Sydal out of the ring, right towards Kofi, and they start to jaw at each other. Now, seriously – there are two black guys in ECW, and they have to fued with each other? Scott Keith made a running joke out of this about 10 years ago – why does Vince McMahon make every effort possible to reinforce every single generalization ever made about him (e.g. when was the last time a big guy *wasn’t* pushed?). Shelton picks Sydal up in a powerbomb position – and then tosses him straight at Kofi. Well, okay – it’s a stereotypical fued, but at least the moves they can pull out are cool. Meanwhile, Shelton wins by count-out.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
Kofi charges the ring and takes Shelton down. Lots of punches, and Adamle actually says “Jamaican me crazy!” *sigh* Irish whip to the steps reversed – Kofi takes a nasty shot to the shoulder.
“One raised eyebrow moved millions.” There’s a 3-disc set, “The Rock”, coming out next week. Yes, I will be buying that.
Third Match: Matt Hardy vs. Armando Estrada Wow – Armando is in REALLY good shape. Doesn’t help much when Hardy clotheslines him to start, tho. Punches exchanged, Hardy hits a second rope elbow, then a Twist of Fate. 1-2-…3? Wow.
Winner: Matt Hardy
Wow – who did Armando piss off?
Teddy Long comes out, and offers Armando offers one more chance to “earn his contract”. His opponent? Colin Delaney.
Fourth Match: Armando Estrada vs. Colin Delaney An immediate roll-up by Colin for 2. Armando comes back, tries a front suplex – countered into a sunset flip – 1-2-3!
Winner: Colin Delaney
Matt Hardy comes into the ring to celebrate with Colin. And it turns out that Colin is as pale as Matt’s underarms.
Backstage, Armando tries to negotiate with Teddy: “Keep me around until the draft.” Teddy: “You can wrestle on ECW, but not as a contracted superstar. Now you gonna have to earn your contract, just like you made Colin Delaney do. You know, what goes around comes around, playa.” Word to ya mother.
Oh, and Ron Simmons makes his weekly appearance.
I hadn’t noticed until just now, but Tazz is wearing possibly the ugliest shirt in the history of TV wrestling. And yes, that is including the outfits from Don West. In fact, he’s making a serious challenge to the legend of Don Cherry.
Fifth Match: Kane vs. CM Punk Yup, full recap here. Punk tries for a single leg, thrown off by Kane. Go-round headlock by Punk, into the ropes, big shoulderblock from Kane. Arm-twist from Punk, thrown to the mat by Kane (by the hair). Kane with shots in the corner. Punk out with punches and kicks – clotheslines Kane over the top, who lands on his feet. Out to the floor – Kane with a shot to the head. Back in the ring – beatdown in the corner from Kane. Punk back with the knees – and I hear audible boos from the crowd? Eh? Big knee gets countered to Snake Eyes. Big Boot sends Punk outside the ring. (commercial break) Back to the match, and Kane has.. an abdominal stretch? Okay, that’s unexpected. Punk out, reverses to his own ab stretch – for about 1 second, then he’s hiptossed out. Kane with a kick to the head, 1 count. Kane with shots to the back, and body scissors. Punk fights out, sunset flip for 2. Punk loses the striking contest, Kane with a lariat out of the corner for 2. Back to the body scissors. Decent “CM PUNK!” chants starts up. (And we go past the 11pm EST endtime. I wish they would advertise this – it’s a big deal if you watch it on DVR.) Punk punches out, Kane takes him down with a legdrop. Punk fights back with kicks, Kane with the big boot. Kane throws Punk into the corner, blind charge misses, Punk with the big knee! And another! And a third! Bulldog is countered by a back-suplex for 2. Punk whipped into the corner – kicks out, flying bulldog for 2. Side slam by Kane. Up top – clothesline, 2 count. Kane motions for the chokeslam – countered by a roundhouse. Punk charges – sent over the top rope by Kane, but holds himself on the apron. Tries a springboard clothesline, caught into a chokeslam – slips out, gets Kane up for the GTS! Kane gets out, grabs the Chokeslam – 1-2-3.
The Miz and Morrison charge the ring right afterwards, and attack Kane. Kane fights back, but is overwhelmed.
Tags: ECW, Smackdown, WWE