Pulse Wrestling’s Real Time Coverage: TNA Slammiversary

Join me for live coverage at 8:00 pm EST of TNA Slammiversary, featuring the King of the Mountain: without a doubt, the most confusing main event match every created.

LIVE from Memphis, TN.

Fifth match: King of the Mountain: Rhyno vs. Robert Roode vs. Christian Cage vs. Booker T vs. Samoa Joe

First match: X Division Championship: Kaz vs. Petey “Maple Leaf Muscle” Williams: Kaz is by himself, Petey is with Big Poppam Rhaka Khan, and a huge black noseguard. Back and forth with an arm-twist to start. Kaz stops a roll-thru, and gets a quick one count. They exchange roll-ups and counters, until Kaz tries a Wave of the Future. Petey cartwheels out of that, tries a Canadian Destoyer – that’s countered, and Kaz finally nails a clothesline in the corner, followed by a dropkick to the gut. Kaz with a series of kicks and a second rope leg drop – two count. Petey rolls out, Kaz follows and throws him back in. Rhaka decides to get in Kaz’s face (yes, she’s taller than him), which distracts him long enough for Petey to hit a DDT off the apron. Back in, Petey throws him chest first in to the corner. Kick, jawbreaker, spin kick. Kaz counters an Irish whip, gets two roll-ups, but gets tossed outside the ring again. Petey follows with a slingshot hurricanrana. Back in the ring, backbreaker followed by a neckbreaker. 2 count. Kaz tries a comeback, with is stopped with a rake to the eyes. Overhead suplex, followed by an arm scissors. Petey tosses him to the ropes but makes the mistake of putting his head down – Kaz catches him with a big boot. Kaz back with chops and forearms, then nails a Flying Jalapeno. Alabama Slam for 2. Petey misses a blind charge, Kaz hits a slingshot DDT. Kaz slingshots Petey in, and catches him in midair with an RKO. Petey comes back with a drop-toe hold into the second-rope followed up by a dropkick to the back, and a Russian leg sweep. Kaz tries to come back, but Petey stops that with a very cool looking bear-hug-into-a-DDT that I’ve never seen before. Petey climbs to the top, but Kaz nails him with a roundhouse kick to the head. Kaz climbs, tries for the Flux Capacitor; Petey fights back, tries for the Canadian Destroyer, Kaz also fights out, again for the FC; Petey finally goes for an arm drop over the top rope. And the “they’ve scouted each other very well” storyline continues with Petey tries for the Destroyer one more time, and Kaz counters with a.. uhh.. I’ll call it an inverse piledriver (Petey was draped over his back at the time, in the Alabama Slam setup). 1-2-…NO! Rhaka Khan climbs in the ring, but Kaz knocks her out with a leg lariat. Kaz goes after BPP on the apron, which allows Petey to crawl to the lead pipe that Scott had slipped in earlier. Kaz turns around – CLANG. Petey gets Khan out of the ring, rolls Kaz over – 1-2-NO! Kaz is busted open, and Petey is frustrated. Petey motions for the CD – countered by a roll-up for 2. Petey then cinches in the Sharpshooter – but lets it go after just a few seconds and gets a side rollup – for 2. Kaz pops up and hits the Wave of the Future, which gets 2.99. Kaz stumbles (literally) over to the corner, but runs into BPP. Fights out of that, hits a shoulder block to the gut on Petey – goes over the top, tries a sunset flip – Petey pops out, and NAILS the Canadian Destroyer. As if I need to tell you what happens next.
Winner: Petey Williams

The three heels lay the beat down on Kaz after the match. BPP gets on the mic, and asks “Where the hell is my rematch?” He contends that TNA has “screwed” him over, “so tonight, Kaz, I’m gonna screw you!” Uh-oh, that will send the censors into fits. And we are interrupted by the return of… Abyss, who nails all three with a Black Hole Slam.

Eric Young shows up at the announcer’s table, and lets them know that Elvis will be in the building later. There’s even a chair reserved for him. Backstage interview the “Special Enforcer” for the King of the Mountain match, Kevin Nash.

And for some reason, they do a bit on Graceland. (???)

Second match: The Beautiful People and Moose vs. Gail Kim, ODB, and Roxxi The BP immediately bail, and the three faces wail on Moose. We end up with Roxxi and Moose in the ring, until Moose gets an advantage with a back suplex, so Skye tags in. She and Love take turns throwing rather girlie punches on Roxxi. Moose tags in, hits some knees and an F5 for 2. Skye tags in and gets an “octupus like submission move”, while also biting the arm and hand. You stay classy, Velvet. Roxxi rolls out and hits a stomp. Kim gets the hot tag, Elbows, clothelines to Love, kick to Moose, and hits a top-rope splash on Skye for 2. The BP “cheat to win”, and start pummeling Kim’s (injured) knee. ODB breaks up an Indian deathlock from Moose. Kim fights out with a flying leg scissors, and tags in ODB – who takes out everyone. Fallaway slam to Love, alcohol spit-spray into Moose’s face followed by a second rope Thesz Press get 2. All 6 women in the ring – for about 5 seconds. ODB gets a running powerslam on Moose for the 1-2-3.
Winner: Gail Kim, ODB and Roxxi

Video package for Rhyno.

Video package for Team 3-D and LAX.

Third match: Tag Team Championship: Team 3-D vs. LAX (w/Selinas and Hector Guerrero Devon and Hernandez start off with a couple tests of strength. Devon goes to the punches soon after. Hernandez hits a shoulder-block off the rope and tags in Homicide. They doubleteam Devon for a 2 count. Devon rakes the eyes and tags in Ray. Ray backs Homicide up the corner, swings and misses, and Homicide hits an arm drag – and then gets in Ray’s face about it. Back and forth, until Ray puts Homicide on the top rope – and then slaps him. Homicide comes off with a missile dropkick. Devon charges – right into Hernandez, who comes over the top rope with a shoulder-block. Double dropkick from Hernandez sends both Brothers out to the floor. Hernandez follows with a tope (!!) onto Devon, and Homicide hits a tope suicida o onto Ray! Back in the ring, Homicide with a tackle, and a two count. Homicide climbs, but is thrown to the floor by Devon. Hector and Selinas go to check on him, but get knocked down by Ray. Back in the ring, Devon and Ray work over Homicide on their side of the ring. Quick hope spot, but Ray stops that quickly with a side slam. Ray misses the second rope headbutt, Homicide crawls… crawls to the corner – makes the tag. But the ref didn’t see it! BOO! Ray and Devon beat down Homicide some more in their corner while the ref forces Hernandez back out of the ring. Homicide hits a second rope jawbreaker, and this time makes the hot tag – Hernandez hits a big backdrop on Ray and Devon, clothesline on Ray, delayed vertical suplex on Devon, Stinger Splash, hip toss and clothesline on Ray. Homicide in – nails a big splash on Ray for 2, broken up by Devon. WHAZZUP broken up by Homicide – Hernandez body slams Ray, and motions for Selina to get up for the Whazzup try. Johnny Devine jumps in the ring with the kendo stick, but he’s pulled out by Hector, who then nails Devine with the kendo. Back in the ring – Selinas connects on the Whazzup. Hernandez knocked out of the ring by Devon, who then hits a corner clothesline on Homicide. Devon climbs to the second rope – but gets caught by Hernandez, who puts him on his shoulders, setting up for a Doomsday RKO by Homicide. Hernandez hits a spinebuster on Ray, followed by a frog splash from Homicide. 1-2-Devon pulls the ref out of the ring! Homicide goes for Devon outside the ring and misses – Ray nails a low blow on Hernandez. Set up for the 3-D – Homicide slips and gets a backslide on Ray, 1-2-3!

Video package of Robert Roode, who still has no personality.

Awesome Kong comes out for a $25,000 Fan Challenge. It’s accepted by two chicks named Serina D and Josie Robinson. Selina is first, and gets squashed – including two shots into the guardrail, and one into the steel steps. Nice thong, tho. Implant buster ends it. Josie is next, and she’s announced as being from Memphis. So, she gets a couple of shots in on Kong to get the crowd going, before getting squashed. AwesomeBomb ends that one.

Eric Young shows up at the top of the ramp, announcing the return of Elvis. And… a very bad Elvis impersonator shows up. The crowd, of course, boos. Elvis makes it down to the ring, just to get AwesomeBombed. Well, that was… useless.

Video package on Christian Cage, who is still wasted as a face.

Video recap of the Jay Lethal/So Cal Val romance, with Jay Lethal as the jealous third wheel.

And we get to the wedding. The groomsmen are Ace Young, Kamala (with tux and no shoes), Jake the Snake Roberts (who amazingly doesn’t appear to be drunk yet), Koko B. Ware (with Frankie), and George the Animal Steele (w/ green tongue). So Cal Val finally makes the walk down the aisle, wearing.. white? Oh, that was unexpected. In an angle that, uhh, everyone saw coming – Sonjay Dutt breaks up the ceremony, declares his love for Val, and cracks Jay over the back with… a floral arraigement. Well, I guess they didn’t have a cake handy. Ace Young (who?) rushes the ring, but gets knocked down by Dutt. Koko runs in and gets a few shots in, followed by Kamala, who chops Dutt down. Jake grabs a bag from under the ring, and lays Damien across Dutt (which causes Kamala to sprint from the ring). The Animal chews apart the top turnbuckle and throws the foam all over the crowd. Val leaves in tears.

Really dumb, but a funny pay off.

Video package on Booker T, who actually uses the phrase “elephant urine”. Twice.

Video recap of the Karen and Kurt Angle and AJ Sytles storyline.

Fouth match: Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles Oh right, I almost forgot that we sometimes have actual matches on these “PPV” things. Sign at ringside: “I’D LEAVE MY HUSBAND FOR AJ 2!” He must be proud. Tomko is hesitant to leave the ring, but Earl Hebner forces him out. Kurt with a single leg, and rides him until AJ makes the ropes. Headlock takeover from Angle, AJ fights out, shoulderblock from Angle. Back into the ropes, 3 consecutive arm drags from AJ. Angle goes into striking mode, but AJ comes back with a beautiful dropkick. AJ beats down Angle in the corner, gets distracted by Komko, Angle takes advantage with his own corner beatdown. Angle misses the shoulderblock into the corner and hits the ringpost, AJ back with a springboard forearm for 2. Off the ropes, AJ is knocked outside with a shoulder. Tomko stalks AJ – but Hebner jumps out the ring and forces Tomko backstage. Angle takes advantage of the distraction by sending AJ into the railing a couple of times. Angle throws him back in, but gets nailed by a tope con hilo to the floor. Back in the ring, just a 1 count. Backbreaker for a 2 count. Body slam and a knee drop for 2. Angle punches back and hits a back body drop. And another, for 2. Into the chinlock. AJ elbows out, but gets hit by an overhead belly-to-belly off the ropes. Vertical suplex for 2. Angle plants a knee in AJ’s back and pulls back with a double-chin lock – and AJ is bleeding hard-way from the nose. Backbreaker for 2. Angle works over the nose, sets AJ on the top – AJ fights out, and hits a front suplex. They trade blows in the middle of the ring, until AJ nails a spin kick and two clotheslines. Pump-handle gutbuster for 2. Neck-breaker for 2. Angle counters and hits 2 of the 3 Germans – but AJ counters the last and hits his own German. Angle returns the favor, and gets 2. AJ back with an enzuiguiri. AJ charges but runs into a belly-to-belly very close to the corner – for 2. Tries for the Angle Slam, but AJ counters into a DDT – for 2. AJ sets up for the Styles Clash – countered with back bodydrop, countered into a sunset flip, countered into the Ankle Lock! Only a few seconds tho, until AJ flips through and sends Angle face-first into the second turnbuckle. Inverted DDT for 2. AJ climbs again – but gets caught half-way up by a pop-up Angle Slam from the second rope! 1-2-no! And the straps are down. Straight into the Ankle Lock. AJ rolls through into a roll-up – 2 count. Both men up – Angle swing, AJ ducks – Pele kick! 1-2-Angle grabs the rope! AJ tries again for the Styles Clash – countered straight to the Ankle Lock. AJ kicks him off – ref bumb. AJ nails a head scissors – from the mat, and sends Angle outside. And Karen Angle come walking down, with a little black (sparkly) dress… and a steel chair. She calls out to… Kurt? Angle grabs the chair – but Karen won’t let go! AJ rolls him up – lifts into the Styles Clash – NAILS IT! Hebner crawls over slowly… 1… 2… 3!
Winner: AJ Styles

Afterwards, Karen and AJ hug in the ring. All together now: AWWWwww. But that doesn’t last long, as Kurt slams the chair across AJ’s back. Karen screams “What are you doing?!”, and slaps Kurt across the face. He grabs her by the hair, and cocks his fist – but she manages to get out of the ring. TNA: implied spousal abuse == RATINGS!! Kurt continues the smackdown on AJ – security rushes the ring, but Tomko runs down and keeps them out. Angle gets the Ankle Lock – with the leg scissors – but only for a few seconds.

Video package of Samoa Joe.

The rules of King of the Mountain: first, it’s a Falls Count Anywhere match. If there’s a pin – the guy who gets pinned spends two minutes in a penalty box. The guy who made the pin gets a chance to climb a ladder and hang the championship belt up on a hook, high above the ring (basically, a reverse ladder match). On a side note: no man who has ever walked into this match as champ, has ever walked out with the title.

Fifth match: King of the Mountain: Rhyno vs. Robert Roode vs. Christian Cage vs. Booker T vs. Samoa Joe And we have Special Enforcer Kevin Nash – basically, he’s holding the belt. If you expect exact play-by-play for a match with five guys – yeah, think again. Cage starts against Roode, while Joe, Rhyno and Booker beat on each. Booker and Joe in the ring, the other three go outside – with Roode getting pummeled. Cage and Rhyno are working together – but they’re both wary. Cage gets pushed off the top rope by Booker, and appears to have hurt his knee. Booker gets a 2 count on Rhyno. Clothesline from Booker, and another 2. Rhyno sends Booker over the top rope to the floor, and Joe comes into the ring. Joe comes out ahead, and gets a 2 count off a standing senton. Roode comes in to face Joe – goes for a second rope splash, and Joe gets the walk-away counter. Cage runs in, with no apparent knee damage. Big DDT by Cage on Roode, but Joe goes after him with slaps and a big roundhouse kick in the corner. Booker rushes Joe but gets a power slam for his troubles. Cage makes the “I want the belt” motion, and slaps Joe in the corner. Joe gets tripped up by Booker, who sends him into the cage and lays in the chops. Back in the ring, Booker nails the Book End on Rhyno – and we have our first 3 count! Rhyno into the penalty box, and Booker grabs the ladder. Roode sent into the guardrail, Cage kicked down. Booker and Joe fight over the ladder on the floor – so Cage does a baseball slide into the ladder, sending them both down. Cage sends Roode over the top to the floor with a monkey flip. Rhyno gets out of the box and charges into the ring. He and Cage circle, slap hands, and then immediately start punching each other. Rhyno sets up for the Gore – Joe grabs his ankles, and crotches him on the ringpost. Cage charges Joe – put down with a side slam. Joe pulls out a tope – and takes out the other 3 outside the ring. So, Cage climbs to the top of the penalty box – and takes out ALL FOUR. Cage sets up a table, throws Roode in the ring, grabs a ladder – and gets nailed with a chair by Roode in the ring. 1-2-3! Roode stupidly asks Nash for the belt, instead of going to get it – so Rhyno rolls up for 3! Roode is hesitant to get out of the ring – so Nash pulls him out and throws him into the box. Rhyno gets about halfway up the ladder – but Booker pushes him off, slingshotting him on the top rope. Booker and Joe trade blows in the ring. Joe has Booker in the rear naked coke – Cage gets out of the box, climbs to the top of it – and splashes both Joe and Booker! Cage covers Booker – 3 count! Cage sets up the ladder, gets the belt – but gets caught by Roode. Roode now tries (oh, I guess I forgot to mention – once you get that first pin, your eligiblity to put the belt up doesn’t end in two minutes – it’s good for the rest of the match) but is suplex off by Joe. Cage tries again – met at the top by Joe, who kravates him to the floor. Joe turns around – GORE GORE GORE! Crowd starts a “THIS IS AWESOME!” chant. This would have more weight with me if A) they hadn’t tried this during 2 of the other matches tonight, which were decidedly not that awesome, and B) if I hadn’t just seen RoH in Philly last night. Booker comes out of the box, grabs the belt from Nash – and then nails Nash in the head with it! Then nails Rhyno! And Joe! And Roode! It’s a belt on fire! Cages tries to sneak in – but gets a belt shot too. Booker does the pre-spinarooni move before climbing the ladder – which gives Nash enough time to walk in and powerbomb Booker off the ladder. Joe grabs Cage, sets up for the Muscle Buster – Cage fights out, but gets nailed by a GORE – off the ring, through the table (that he had set up – oh irony, thou art a cruel mistress). Joe hit by a lariat from Roode, who also tosses Rhyno to the floor. Roode and Joe fight over the belt – Roode swings, misses, Joe hits the Muscle Buster! Joe sets up the ladder – gets up quickly, grabs the hook – and he wins!
Winner: Samoa Joe

Joe is the first champ ever to walk out of this match with the title belt, as Nash applauds him from outside the ring – to little reaction by Joe. Nash comes into the ring and extends a hand to Joe – who just barely acknowledges it.