WWE: The World Is Watching (And it couldn’t be more true than that, but money talks.)
We’re live from Oakland California and it’s time…to…get….RAW! Our main event is a non-title match between Triple H and Jeff Hardy! Our secondary main event is a One Night Stand rematch between John Cena and John Bradshaw Layfield!
Here comes Daddy Mac, who will reveal the details. He asks for an ovation for the McMoney, who gets its own entrance video and music. He calls for a drumroll and gives us the password. The password is “WWE UNIVERSE”. After the first match, $200K will be awarded!
Out comes Mr. Kennedy who is ready to fight and so is his opponent, Paul Burchill. He’s accompanied by Katie Lea.
Paul Burchill v. Mr. Kennedy
They get it on as the bell sounds, but Kennedy gets the upperhand, tossing Burchill out of the ring. Back inside, Burchill eats canvas and Kennedy continues to mount the pressure. Kennedy gets two and the match turns sour as Burchill nails a sick back suplex, with Kennedy’s head snapping off the turnbuckle. That has to hurt. Burchill continues the pressure, focusing on the back of the head and neck, but Kennedy gets back up and EATS a clothesline! Burchill misses a lariat, but Kennedy doesn’t miss the roundhouse kick on the second attempt. Running knee lift connects in the ropes and that gets a long two count! Kennedy goes for the Mic Check, but Burchill isn’t in check. Burchill kicks Kennedy at the ropes, but Kennedy gets the Mic Check and he wins!
Winner:Â Mr. Kennedy
Grade: C+
After the match, Katie Lea talks reason with Kennedy, eventually leading upto a bitchslap! Kennedy is liking this and he looks to do something, but Paul Burchill hits “The Twisted Sister”, aka modified flying neckbreaker.
Vince McMahon is on the stage and he puts on his glasses. He dials a number and gets a wrong number. He calls somebody who has music playing during the ring, so he hangs up on them! HAHA! He calls a number and he gets the same music again, but someone answers and yes…he won. No need to explain that.
Still to come, Shawn Michaels guest stars on the Highlight Reel!
Commercials.
Welcome back to the show, readers! The Raiders are in the house, and so is the future Mrs. Cena! Jokes aside, Mickie James is looking stunning, as usual. Her opponent needs no competition, though as latex can be hot as well.
Beth Phoenix v. Mickie James
Mickie wraps around Phoenix, but she back elbows her. They talk about her relationshop with Cena as Phoenix nails a tilt-a-whirl slam for two. Phoenix stomps on Mickie’s back. Front facelock into the suplex also gets two. Mickie fights back, but Phoenix hits a backbreaker. She picks Mickie up again and HURRANCURANA gets Mickie out of this. Mickie slugs away and she goes up and over Phoenix and scores a dropkick for two! Mickie goes up top and she nails a top rope Thez Press for the win!
Winner:Â Mickie James
Grade: C+
Post match, Beth tries to take her frustration out, but Melina runs in for the save. Melina nails a top rop facebuster, sending the Glamazon down!
Money talks! Vince dials a number and we get a real ringer! This caller wins $75K
Commercials.
Last week, Cena v. Hardy was awesome. My line still stands, though. Cena has the power of MAMAJUANA!
In the locker room, Cena and Trips stare off face to face. They banter back and forth. With Heat gone, Charlie Haas needs something to do, so he’s Vince’s bitchboy in helping him win a million dollars. Apparantly, Vince gets no answer and he blames it on Haas. Another attempt and this is sad. He tries a third time and gets a busy signal. He brings out Dave from ePrize and he gives Vince another number. We get a ringer and Charlie Haas is looking STUPID! She wins $50K and if Charlie Haas kisses a diva, it’s doubled.  Maria is the first diva and their kiss was interesting. And I was hoping for Mae Young. Vince proves me right by adding $25K for Haas to kiss….you guess it…Mae Young. So the caller wins $125K.
Backstage, JBL heels it up saying we don’t earn the money Vince is giving away, but Cena earns what JBL has coming to him.
Commercials.
Trips comes out ringside to his “King of Kings” music! He wants a front row seat, since Vince “McMonty Hall” McMahon isn’t giving away more of his money. Time for our first main event!
John Bradshaw Layfield v. John Cena
The match starts, but Trips distracts Cena for JBL to gang up on him! JBL nails a forearm and he nails a shot to the back. JBL decks Cena in the corner. Opposite corner we go and Cena nails a bulldog for two! JBL goes back with the back club. He drops the fists for two. JBL continues the pressure, but JBL stalls and that allows Cena to go for the FU attempt! JBL rolls out of the ring and he stares at Trips! Tensions rise as we go to break.
Commercials.
We’re back and Cena is being abused by JBL. That’s wrong. To reword it, Cena is being JBL’s bitch. Wrong again, Oh you get the picture! back inside the ring, JBL crimps on the neck as Trips goes analytical on Cena. Cena tries to fight out of it and he slugs away. To the ropes Cena goes and JBL locks on the sleeper! Cena drops down to the mat for a moment. Cena OVERPOWERS JBL – THE POWER OF MAMAJUANA! Cena blasts JBL with rights, but JBL drank more Mamajuana and hits the big boot! Clothesline to Hell misses, but the West Side Slam doesn’t. The Throwback hits and YOU CAN’T SEE ME! Five Knuckle Shuffle hits and JBL is loopy! FU try, but JBL rakes the eyes! The CLOTHESLINE, NOT LARIAT TO HELL connects! JBL rolls to a cover, but CENA GETS THE ROPES! JBL rolls out of the ring and he destroys the announce table. He goes back to Cena, who was playing possum and he gets an inside cradle for three!
Winner:Â John Cena
Grade: B
After the match, both Cena and Trips man up on the announce table in an intense setting. Trips strikes first by SWEEPING THE LEG!
Up next, The Highlight Reel!
Commercials.
We’re back and it’s time to give some more money away! He wants to be creative and he asks Lillian to stand up. He mentions a conversation with JR where she tells him that her measurements are 38-24-36. DAMN! So, the next winner will win 98K! He gets a dial tone before he finished dial tone! HAHA. He tries again and we get an answer. Stephanie wins $98,000 and it’s time for the Highlight Reel!
Highlight Reel
Featuring Chris Jericho & Shawn Michaels
Jericho thanks Michaels for coming out. Jericho putsover Michaels, but Michaels thinks there’s a catch. Jericho says that Michaels lied about his knee injury, but Michaels interrupts and says that he only lied to Jericho. Jericho tries to say he has been booed as of late for being an honest man. Jericho lays it on Michaels, asking him how he can turn into a lying, cheating worm of a being, not the exact quote. Cue the Jericho heel turn and he goes POSTAL on Michaels. They roll around the ring and it ends with Michaels getting kicked in the nuts! He nails a faceplant on the canvas and he DRIVES MICHAELS’ HEAD STRAIGHT INTO THE JERICHTRON 6000, IN HD!  Jericho leaves the ring as Michaels’ eyes are shut. Seems that glass may have gotten into his eyes.
Grade: A-
Commercials.
We’re back and the commentators have reason to believe that Michaels may have glass in his eyes. Out comes the WEIRDEST tag team in WWE…Umaga & Snitsky.Â
Jerry Lawler: “This tag team is as ugly as Hulk Hogan’s Divorce!”
J.R.:Â “That’s ugly, brother.”
Hogan got owned! HAHA.
Cody Rhodes & Hardcore Holly v. Umaga & Snitsky
Rhodes begins things with Snitsky. Snitsky misses a charge and Rhodes tags in Holly. Double Suplex connects, but Umaga hits a jab and Snitsky takes control with a quick two count. Umaga tags in and he takes it to Holly. Kick to the face pisses off Umaga, who unloads a clothesline for two. Snitsky tags in and he hits a slam, followed by a couple elbow drops. Leg drop misses and Holly focuses on the kneecap with a dropkick! Umaga tags in as does Rhodes, who knocks off Snitsky. Rhodes tries to knock Umaga off his perch and he does so after a while. Umaga catches Rhodes and hits a “reverse sidewalk slam”, as said by J.R. Samoan Spike connects and Cody is seeing the lights.
Winners:Â Umaga & Snitsky
Grade: D
Holly helps Rhodes up and Ted DiBiase, Jr. comes out and he talks smack. He warns that they better get their act together. In two weeks, there will be new champions and that moment will be simply priceless.
Triple H takes on Jeff Hardy later tonight! More money will be given away NEXT!
Commercials.
The WWE supports the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
Time for a “sing off”. Trevor sings something, but Jillian interrupts and we go stright to Hell. Somewhere, dogs are barking in the United States. He calls another person and they win the crap-pot – $2! HAHA! He brings out the sweepstakes coordinator and Vince is going to give away $200K! He guesses it right and offers some explicit words for it!
Commercials.
Tomorrow Night on ECW:Â Kane v. CM Punk v. Miz & Morrison for the WWE Tag Team Championships!
Time for another match and it’s Santino Marella & Carlito in action. Friday, Cousin Sal beats Santino and Jimmy Kimmel rules. Cryme doesn’t pay, but Cryme Tyme does!
Cryme Tyme v. Santino Marella & Carlito
JTG and Marella starts off and J.R. admits to NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR! JTG gets a snapmare and a quick cover. Marella is getting owneed and in comes the powerhouse, Shad. Shad hits a scoop slam and in comes JTG. They double-team Santino and JTG botches a rope move! In comes Carlito and he lays the boots to him. Tag back to Santino and he locks on a crossface. Both men nail haymakers and are down! Shad gets inside and he beats down Santino! POWERSLAM gets two, broken up by Carlito. JTG gets tossed over, but he DANCES ON THE APRON. Carlito gets tossed outside and Shad hits the “Cryminal Intent” (Kick to the gut, kick to the ribs, followed by the Front Russian Leg Sweep. It’s a no named move, so I’m naming it.) for the victory.
Winners: Cryme Tyme
Grade: C
Vince asks for Cryme Tyme upto the stage. $51,998 is up for grabs! We get an answer and we now know this isn’t a hoax as we get a tone of Vince dialing as the man answers the phone.
Up next:Â The Main Event!
Commercials.
We’re back and John Cena comes out to commentate!
Jeff Hardy v. Triple H
The bell sounds and they lock up in the center. Trips nails a shoulderblock and he stares at Cena. Hardy takes control in the corner and he is seprated. Trips sends him to the opposite corner and he runs into an elbow. Hardy gets a takedown for two and Hardy rakes the eyes of the champion and sends him to the corner with a roundhouse kick! TURNBUCKLE DROPKICK CONNECTS! Hardy covers for two. Twist of Fate try, but Trips DENIES HIM and SPINEBUSTERS HIM TO HELL! Trips “in the Alpha Male Position” nails several rights to Hardy. High knee gets a two count as Hardy is not giving up. Trips drops the knee a couple times for a two count. He gets Hardy’s back torqued and Trips uses the ropes for leverage. The ref sees this so its stopped. Trips sends Hardy HARD to the corner. He does it again and goes for a cover. Hardy kicks out at two. To the corner again and Hardy fights out of it. He goes to blows and sends Trips to the ropes. KNEE SMASH gets a two count! He unloads with a haymaker, sending Hardy down. Trips mocks Cena and Hardy fights back! WHISPER IN THE WIND MISSES! Trips sends Hardy up and over the rope. On the outside, Trips bashes Hardy’s head to the retaining wall and he looks to send Trips to the barricade, but Hardy counters and Trips GOES HARD to the wall. He arm drags Hardy INTO CENA! He tosses Hardy back inside the ring and Cena stops Trips from getting inside, thus he gets counted out!
Winner:Â Jeff Hardy via countout
Grade: B
Trips and Cena are about to go to blows, but HARDY HITS A PLANCHA ON BOTH MEN!
We take a commercial break at 10:05 as more McMoney is going to be given away!
Commercials.
We’re back for the final time tonight as Vince is out to give away 250K of his own money! He thanks everyone for watching tonight and that next week another million dollars will be given away! He calls another person and Steven won 250K!
Show Over.
The WWE RAW Report Card
Mr. Kennedy d. Paul Burchill: C+
Mickie James d. Beth Phoenix: C+
John Cena d. John Bradshaw Layfield: B
Extra Credit: Highlight Reel Segment: A-
Umaga & Snitsky d. Cody Rhodes & Hardcore Holly: D
Cryme Tyme d. Santino Marella & Carlito: C
Jeff Hardy d. Triple H: B
The Final Grade for RAW 6/9/2008: C+
Perhaps the money giveaway dragged things down this week as we only got two decent matches out of the deal. Jericho and Michaels delivered in our extra credit Highlight Reel segment. It will be very interesting to see the rating for this show. If I was a betting man, I’ll say that it’ll hit 3.3, up from last week’s 3.1. That’s all from me tonight. See you Thursday for the WWE Draft Preview Edition of “The Marshall Report”.
