For Your Consideration…Nope, TNA Still Sucks

Welcome to week 61.

First, if you’re reading this column and currently do not have a copy of Weezer’s “Red Album”, I want you to open iTunes and download it. Now. We’ll all wait. I’m serious. I’m going to sit here and wait all night if I have to. You click yet? You downloading it? Good.

Anyone that reads me on a regular basis knows that I’m a huge mark for Weezer. Huge. Top three bands huge. So, knowing that the Red Album was inching closer to release, I began to get that feeling in the pit of my stomach. You know that feeling, that “oh crap, I really hope this doesn’t suck!” feeling that you get right before you’re about to watch the next Batman movie or read the next Scott Keith novel (that’s what we call internal synergy). Weezer made that critical band mistake of making their first album brilliant, which means that anything they release subsequent will be held to that higher standard. “Pinkerton”, their follow-up ode to Madame Butterfly, is a misunderstood classic that may be one of the most accomplished albums of the last twenty years. The “Green” album lured fans back with a pure Weezer sound and minimal gimmickry-the kind of gimmickry that scared a lot of mainstream folks on their second go-round. “Maldroit” was called overindulgent by some who saw this as Rivers getting his hard rock fetish out, but the CD delivers a lot of solid line-drive songs that nicely compliment their catalog without ruffling any feathers. “Make Believe” had the ubiquitous hit “Beverly Hills”, not to mention the great video for “Perfect Situation” with the lovely and currently MIA Elisha Cuthbert.

“The Red Album”, as it’s been dubbed for its red cover and standard untitled format, was a promise from Rivers to return to the path blazed by “Pinkerton”. We were going to get another record of unique songs and stuff that Cuomo said he would personally love to listen to. Accompanying that equal parts terrifying and exciting proclamation was the appearance of a mustache and cowboy had album cover that signified that we were, indeed, not in Kansas anymore.

Using willpower I never before knew I possessed, I held back the temptation to download the leaked copies floating around the Net and did something I hadn’t done in years. I got in my car, drove to Best Buy, and purchased a compact disk. Like a good lemming, I got the Deluxe Special Edition version of the CD, which boasted four extra songs and a booklet with pictures and lyrics and other assorted stuff that I was relatively indifferent to. All I wanted was the damn CD. All I wanted was the damn music. All I wanted was Weezer.

Upon the first listen, I sat with a look of terror and confusion as the album spun in the CD player. What were these songs? This was a totally new sound for Weezer, and something I really wasn’t expecting. After finishing the 14 tracks, I sat there for a moment of slack-jawed bewilderment. Was that a work of genius or a colossal mess? I was torn. Part of me hoped to have the instant gratification of “Green”, while part of me knew to expect the slow-burn passion that can only be elicited from multiple plays, like “Pinkerton.” As I expected, this CD was going to take a few cycles before it opened up to me.

Now, having listened to the disc a good 10 times, I can honestly say that it is a fantastic album. Absolutely stunning. The way that Rivers & Co. integrated so many different sounds and styles while maintaining the integrity of Weezer was downright inspiring. I recommend not only that you get the album but pick up the Deluxe edition, because the 4 bonus tracks are anything but also-rans.

Maybe you can pick up a few extra copies if you won money from Uncle Vince on Monday. Let’s see a show of hands who thought this was a good idea? Come on, I know some of you out there thought this was going to work. I, for one, jumped on the “this is a dumb idea” bandwagon two weeks ago and couldn’t have been happier to see it go down in flames. The promotion was flawed from the inception. Vince said on RAW that he wants to draw fans in and to bring fans back. By bribing them. Desperation. That’s what we’re going for, folks?

My guess is that this wasn’t a Vince McMahon idea. Well, I’m sure the shameless self-promotion associated with giving away his own money came from that salt & pepper dome, but the overall concept to run a contest didn’t originate with Vinny. My guess? Bonnie Hammer, USA President and overall misguided individual decided to once again poke her nose into the world of the WWE and ask for a ratings stunt. This is, after all, the woman who wanted more shtick and less in-ring action. She wanted three hour specials that didn’t necessarily feature three hours of wrestling. She wanted the WWE to bring back Austin and Hogan just for the sake of bringing them back. She doesn’t understand the wrestling audience, and her constant pressure on Vince to pop the ratings isn’t going to magically bring the fans back. When he’s desperate, he does stupid things. The money giveaway is a stupid thing. What does it add to the program? I think the only positive to the whole experience was Hunter getting a chance to take a shot at it by calling Vince Monty Hall.

The next big stunt coming up is the Draft, and a lot of writers on our site have written about it ad nauseum. Don’t worry, I’ll chime in with my own Draft article, but I’ll save that for another week because I usually pack that with so much information that it takes more than the requisite time to write a normal column.

So, since I need to write a normal column this week, I’ll comment on PC’s TNA column because I’m usually the requisite TNA basher around here. And, without further ado…

For Your Consideration…Nope, TNA Still Sucks

How’s that for a cleaver title? Normally, I try to be witty with my column titles and use a play-on-words or something, but for this occasion I think I’ll just stick with the obvious. TNA sucks. They have no momentum. They have no upside. They have one thing and one thing only, an uncanny ability to continue to lose money.

Do you want proof that TNA sucks? Do you want undeniable, hard evidence that will justify why Total Nonstop Action is a joke? AM RAW beat TNA in the ratings. AM RAW. AM RAW airs at like 2 am on a Friday when the only people awake and home are pothead teenagers and the elderly, so either someone was too baked to find the remote or they fell asleep watching reruns of Walker. AM RAW viewers are people who missed RAW, missed the RAW Recap on ECW, missed the RAW Recap on Smackdown, avoided WWE.com, didn’t read the dirt sheets, didn’t DVR any wrestling programming and stayed up until 3 am on the most social night of the week to watch a watered down clip show.

How the hell can TNA even justify at this point their pathetic ratings? I have heard every TNA apologist make their case for the past six years and frankly, I’m done. I’m done buying into the excuses. TNA has money now. TNA has television exposure. And not just FSN television exposure, either. Total Nonstop Action is on Spike TV, the network that was the home of RAW for about 4 years or so. Spike’s part of the Viacom promotional machine, which means they’re on most major cable providers in the country. TNA airs on Thursday nights, a night that Smackdown proved years ago could draw fans. Hell, TNA even gets a Saturday night replay!

When TNA started, I lumped them in with XPW, WWA and all of those other start-up companies that just seemed like they were going to keel over and die in a matter of weeks. TNA, to its credit, survived. They made it onto real TV. They got a home arena built in Orlando at Universal Studios. They separated from the NWA and made their world title the company name’s title. TNA has stayed alive for six years, and that’s an accomplishment no one can take away from them.

On the other hand, what the hell does TNA have to show for itself? Six years on the air and it pulls in a 1.0 rating? It pulls in a rating lower than ECW and much lower than RAW normally pulls (yeah, RAW seems kinda low now, but it’ll bounce back soon enough). That’s beyond unacceptable. TNA has cashed in all of its excuses as far as I’m concerned.

For one thing, look at their roster. Christian, The Dudley Boys, Kurt Angle, Booker T and Rhyno were not just minor names in the WWE. They were top level talent. Two of them were world champions, for fcuk’s sake. In addition, TNA has Sting, who is one of the last vestiges of the golden era of WCW. He was insanely over and if he showed up on RAW tomorrow, you better believe Vince would pop a huge rating. TNA has Kevin Nash, who’s nWo allegiance alone is enough to draw even the most casual viewer. In addition, they have AJ Styles, who was at one point the most fun person to ever watch on TV. Lastly, TNA has Samoa Joe, the hottest act in wrestling.

The TNA roster, used or misused, is too big to justify their current situation. ECW draws despite the fact that their champion is Kane and their only other superstar of note is CM Punk, both of whom can be seen on RAW and Smackdown. TNA’s superstars can only be seen in one place and one place only, and that place is drawing about as well as Shakespeare in the South. TNA puts on enough unique matches with enough familiar superstars that there is just no legitimate reason why their ratings are as pathetic as they are.

TNA is 6 years old, so their name in the wrestling world is well established. They have marquee guys and a topflight production team. They have every tool that the WWE has, yet have found none of the WWE’s true success. And it’s not like the WWE is turning everything it touches into gold. Their programming is as rote as ever, yet TNA hasn’t once attempted to exploit that fact. Not once. They can do things differently, yet are more than content to be the WWE backwash. And where is it getting them?

TNA has done nothing that the WWE couldn’t do if they wanted to, and probably do better. First, gimmick matches. TNA’s King of the Mountain is way too convoluted and not as imposing as the Elimination Chamber. The Ultimate X Match? Give me TLC any day of the week. Second, talent development. The WWE got Colin Delaney over, for fcuk’s sake. Colin Delaney! TNA hasn’t been able to get anyone to care about 90% of their roster. Who’s their ace in the hole now that Joe’s been elevated? Kaz? Kaz lasted a week in the WWE and right now would probably be serving as towel boy for the Miz and Morrison. Hell, look at Miz and Morrison. Somehow the WWE got these guys over. TNA’s only way to elevate talent now is to give them old WWE gimmicks, and even that doesn’t seem to work. The Knockout Division? With two women’s titles now, the WWE has the deepest and most complete women’s roster in the history of wrestling. With women that can go like Beth Phoenix and Mickie James, the WWE Women’s division has cred (oh, and for everyone who bitches about seeing chicks in bikinis roll around, seek help). Lastly, TNA claims that they give better matches, but when the WWE wants, they can churn out great bouts. Look at Cena/Hardy. Or Money in the Bank. Or HBK/Jericho. With no effort whatsoever, if Vince wanted to, he could put on a three hour card with nothing but top flight matches that could put TNA (or even ROH) to shame. He doesn’t because he feels that the audience longing for 30 minute matches and beyond isn’t out there anymore. TNA has the talent to do these kind of matches, but they don’t, hoping that Vince is right. Why the hell don’t they even try?

TNA was great at making excuses for…oh…six years. Their last great fable was the belief that once Joe got the belt, everything would turn around. He’s Stone Cold. He’s the Rock. He’s Triple H. He’s the best of all three, wrapped in one package. As soon as he touches gold, TNA’s ratings are going to spike. Don’t even lie and say they didn’t believe that, because the tiny contingent of TNA-philes have been screaming that for years. Well guess what, Joe’s got the belt and the ratings are still anemic. It’s pathetic that TNA botched their last great hope. Now what? Sting’s retirement run? The WWE ran the Flair retirement run and it still didn’t main event a PPV. That’s how deep their roster goes. TNA’s got a pretty deep roster of their own, but they’ve done squat with it.

For TNA’s 6th birthday, maybe it’s time they got themselves a real birthday gift…a clue.

Agree? Disagree? You know how to find me, awheeler316@yahoo.com. I fully expect the TNA apologists to come out in full force…all 3 of you.

This has been for your consideration.