For Your Consideration…Everything You Wanted to Know About the Draft (but were afraid to ask)

Welcome to week 63.

First, let me apologize for being a day late on this one. I’m really pissed off about this, because I love my cushy Thursday morning slot. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I find that I check the site several times a day to read the news and columns and whatnot, and once I realize when a column I enjoy is coming out, I make sure to click on or about that time. So for those of you wasting time at the office or interrupting your summer who clicked yesterday and saw no FYC, I apologize. But fear not, it’s here now, and since it’s almost the weekend chances are it’ll be a prominent link until Monday.

Before I begin, there are a few things from the real world to cover before we get to the heart of the matter, so stick with me now: Obviously top of the list is the passing of George Carlin. Since it’s already Friday and the story’s been around for a few days, people a lot more talented than I am have already written moving tributes. I recommend finding the video from the Colbert Report where Steven gives a hilarious look back at the “Seven Words You Can’t Say” and the Jerry Seinfeld article that was in the New York Times. While Seinfeld’s writing was moving and surprisingly poetic from a guy who most people only know as the “Did you ever notice…” comic, Colbert’s was a lot closer to what Carlin would have appreciated. George Carlin always mocked the absurdity of mourning and death, so while those struck with grief probably found comfort eulogizing their friend, colleague and mentor, Colbert’s tongue-in-cheek praise of the man who helped ban profanity was the kind of absurdist rant that George would have loved. Well, maybe not loved, but at the very least would damn with faint praise. As for me, I will remember Carlin for several distinct reasons. First, obviously, were the HBO specials. When I was younger, I remember engaging in stealth-like tactics to sneak out to the family room to watch the Carlin shows on near mute for fear of my parents catching my virgin ears being polluted with foul, sexually graphic language. In hindsight I doubt they would have minded, but that added level of danger that I imposed on them seemed fitting considering who I was watching. Second, I remember Carlin’s turns in the Kevin Smith movies. His appearances in Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and even Jersey Girl gave an added level of credibility to Smith’s movies (though being a huge Kevin Smith mark, it wasn’t like I needed much convincing). The third thing that leaps to my mind is Bill and Ted, a movie that gained more traction in my life due to the fact that I was in summer camp and Florida summers tended to be rainy and popping a tape in a VCR was an easy way to keep kids quiet. We sat, like the good Western Camp kids that we were, watching Bill and Ted over and over and over again. Lastly, as a student of the law, I remember Carlin for the Seven Words You Can’t Say. Not just the words, but what they represented. For those of you who never had the opportunity, I recommend reading the actual Supreme Court case and witness the sheer absurdity of the ruling. If for nothing else, there’s a perverse joy in seeing the word “cunt” appear in a Justice Majority Opinion. Carlin could work clean and be funny, so it’s oddly appropriate that he’s remembered for being the guy who brought blue material into the forefront (something his idol Lenny Bruce would have appreciated greatly). I’m sad that Carlin is gone in the appropriate way that he would have enjoyed, that this motherf*cker won’t be around to give us any more comedy or keep us in check.

One of the other things circulating the ‘Net this week was the Entertainment Weekly Top 1000 list. They listed the top 1000 New Classics from the past 25 years, with the top 100 albums, top 100 TV Shows and top 100 Movies leading to a wide array of debate and anger. I usually don’t get too up in arms about these lists because they are clearly subjective in nature and there’s always going to be some things left out. It is the omissions, however, that help establish the credibility of the list. Leaving out one or two landmark pieces of work can seriously call your selections into question. There were, in my humble opinion, one or two left off each of those lists that have dented (if not destroyed) the so-called New Classics list.

First, under films, there were two movies that leap off the page for not being there. One of them was “Shawshank Redemption”. You read that right, folks. No Shawshank. Not among the top 100 movies. When you have “Moulin Rouge” listed as a top 10 movie and you don’t even have Shawshank on your list, it’s time to quit and find a new career. “Shawshank Redemption” was unlucky in being released at the same time as “Forrest Gump” and “Pulp Fiction”, but it now stands on IMDB as one of the top (if not the top) film of all time. And to not put it on the list is an outrage and a large amount of insanity. The other movie omitted was “Clerk”. Those of you who read me know that “Clerks” is my favorite film of all time for several key reasons. One of those reasons was the revolution this movie started. It showed that anyone could make a movie, and that just because it was low-budget didn’t mean it couldn’t be incredible. “Clerks” was one of the touchstones of the indie film movement and the reason a lot of us wanted to get into that business in the first place. It’s voice was attempted to be copied by countless writers and directors, but no one could recapture that lightning in a bottle. But no, EW, don’t put it on your top 100 list, especially when you’ve got to make room for “Clueless”. (I’ll spare my lecture on why “State and Main” should be on the list because chances are no one has seen it)

Next, under Television Shows, there are two omissions that leap off the page. And they are two omissions that couldn’t be further apart from each other. The first, for anyone that reads me, shouldn’t come as a shock at all, and that’s “Sports Night”. “Sports Night”, to me, was the best television show of the past decade. Even better than “Curb” or “The Office” or “Lost”. “Sports Night” showed the television audience that smart TV still existed and that it resided in the mind of Aaron Sorkin. My man-love for Sorkin surpasses even Kevin Smith, because Sorkin’s way with words is unmatched (obviously excluding Mamet, who should have his own language) and his show demonstrated that serious plots with comedic inserts could revolutionize television. It blazed the trail for the “West Wing”, which was given all of the tools that “Sports Night” was not, namely promotion support and a creative hands-off attitude by the network brass. “Sports Night” overcame a laugh track, a subpar timeslot and the temporary loss of one of its stars when Robert Guillaume suffered a stroke to become one of the slickest, smartest and most entertaining shows of its era. But I can see why “The Bachelor” deserved a slot. The second show that deserves a slot should receive no argument whatsoever from anyone reading this article, and that’s “WWE RAW”. How the hell do you do a show about the top 100 shows of the past 25 years and not include this? While it won’t be confused with the wit of “Sports Night”, it is a show that was (and still is) the highest rated show on cable, the highest rated show for 12-17 and 18-35 demos and a program that produced controversy and movie stars. “Monday Night RAW” was the first guy-centric show to take on Monday Night Football and succeed, and there’s an argument to be made that MNF’s move to ESPN was due in part to RAW’s success. It is a glaring omission that is made all the more glaring when you consider EW found space on their list for “The Hills”, a show we probably won’t remember in five years. Odd, considering we’ll still be watching RAW in five years.

Under Music, there were some major missing albums in my opinion, but I will limit it because many of my choices stem from the fact that I’m a homer. I won’t get into how Guster is an underappreciated band who should have sold 100 times the number of albums they moved. I won’t discuss the clichéd appreciation for Dave Matthews Band considering I’m a middle class suburban frat guy, and thus the demographic for their entire audience. No, I will reserve my vitriol for the omission of one band and one band only, Weezer. That’s right; there are no albums by Weezer listed on the top 100 albums of the past 25 years. No “Blue”, no “Green, no “Pinkerton”….nothing. It’s an embarrassing omission that frankly is inexcusable. Sorry, EW, you dropped the ball bigtime on this one.

The next big story of the week was the one-year anniversary of the death of Chris Benoit and his family. Since his passing, I’ve made minimal mentions of Benoit, which just goes to show the immense impact of his death and the huge fallout that followed. Chris Benoit was one of the biggest parts of wrestling history for the past decade or so. He was interwoven into the legacy of ECW, the legacy of WCW and the legacy of the WWE. Not being able to discuss him is very challenging when you consider my job as a columnist is to reflect on the past as well as comment on the future. Its one year later and it’s still impossible to separate the wrestler from the monster. Maybe in five years it’ll be different. Or ten. Or maybe it will always be a gaping wound. It’s the same feeling I get when I see Owen Hart’s name. The Owen Hart factor is much worse because he didn’t bring it upon himself. The taint on his legacy was not through his own machinations, which incites anger in all of us because we want to remember him as the performer, not the victim of an accident.

That same feeling is aroused in us with Chris Benoit. Benoit as a performer was one of the reasons we were fans in the first place. In ECW, Benoit’s crisp style balanced a program that was starting to veer too much into the garbage wrestling territory that many fans didn’t “get”. In WCW, he carried a midcard that was being heavily weighed down by aging “big boys” and a faction that was in fact the cancer it was always made out to be. His clout helped rescue not just his career, but the careers of Dean Malenko, Eddie Guerrero and Perry Saturn. Had Benoit not had the goods in the ring, he and his three Radicalz would have surely been stuck in the sinking ship of WCW and upon the buyout would have been resigned under the WWE banner for much less than they got. Sure, Saturn didn’t really work out, but Eddie and Dean found tremendous success in the WWE. Dean Malenko got the chance to find himself a permanent job by becoming a backstage agent, which meant that a short Jewish guy with no natural charisma didn’t have to worry about being saddled with another lame gimmick. And Eddie? Eddie Guerrero got to be a world champion, something that Turner’s company surely would never have done.

And Chris’s own career in the WWE was responsible for so much for the company. His win at Wrestlemania XX and the hug with Eddie was one of those moments that no one can forget. He was the guy who “made” Randy Orton. His matches with Chris Jericho and Edge and Triple H and Shawn Michaels were showstoppers. And his last role in the company would have been his true legacy, savior of ECW. With no Rob Van Dam and no discernable main event, Chris Benoit would have been given the keys to the kingdom and become the mentor that he had always been. He could have shaped Elijah Burke, John Morrison, Kofi Kingston and (obviously) CM Punk as hard working wrestlers who could produce gold in the ring.

Unfortunately, we never got to see what he could do. We never got that defining ECW moment. We never got that last great match or that last great feud. What we did get was a blight on the wrestling industry that has yet to fully wash away. After the loss of Eddie, the company went into a mini-spiral. With the loss of Chris Benoit, it was a full-on freefall. The heartfelt tribute show was now a very public debacle. The 24/7 VOD channel was now forced to engage in revisionist history. The wwe.com website had to be whitewashed. The talent faced massive crackdowns on their health and wellbeing.

The media began to lambaste Vince and the WWE with unabashed glee. They had waited for years to come after World Wrestling Entertainment, and they had the story that had it all. Murder. Suicide. Mystery. Steroids. Celebrities. It was enough to give any news programmer a hard-on, and for the loyal WWE fan, it meant that our passion was going to be more than mocked, it was going to be skewered.

Last year when news came out about Benoit’s untimely death, my friend who was a former WWE employee wrote a heartfelt e-mail to me that I gladly reprinted (I’m sure it’s still in my archives on the link up top). Unfortunately, he wrote the e-mail before the horror stories came out, and his letter was written about a man that no longer existed. He wrote about the respect that Benoit commanded and the positive effect he had on the industry. That Chris Benoit is gone forever, and one year’s passing of time has done nothing to heal the wounds that the wrestling industry has sustained.

And now we shift gears towards why we’re here today, and that’s the subject of today’s topic…

For Your Consideration…Everything You Wanted to Know About the Draft (but were afraid to ask)

Yes, I’m starting out by ripping off Woody Allen, so we know the bar is being set pretty high. And while others have talked about this year’s draft, no one has yet to analyze every single draft pick made by every single brand, so get ready for a very impressive and borderline delusional attempt to look at all of the switches that the land of WWE has made…damn.
RAW Gets

1. Rey Mysterio from SD – The first draft pick to “change the face of wrestling” was the move of Rey Mysterio from Smackdown to RaW. This move wasn’t the most surprising draft pick because, as everyone has already stated, Mysterio has never been a member of the RAW roster. Rey joined the WWE well into the brand split, so seeing him work Monday Nights should be fun. Justified or not, watching superstars compete on Smackdown gives them a grainy feel because the show’s taped and there’s no element of surprise. While it’s no secret I’m not the biggest Mysterio fan in the world, getting to see Rey compete against Shawn Michaels, John Cena, CM Punk and Chris Jericho has a major upside. The unfortunate reality of the draft is that Rey’s potential programs with Hunter and Jeff Hardy are now out the window. So what exactly does Rey add to the show? Well for one thing, he’s a new main event face. Mysterio could never be turned heel because his mask and his size make him a huge draw for kids. Taking him from Smackdown is a huge gamble because FNS pulls in both a huge Latino audience and a huge youth audience, and the loss of Rey could damage both of those markets. On the other hand, giving USA another marketable guy is yet another way to keep Bonnie Hammer placated. Plus, since RAW is now touring with ECW, Rey can mix it up with Chavo, Miz and Morrison if need be. This is a solid future move (since he’s still injured) since Rey is the kind of main eventer who doesn’t need the belt to be over, which makes any program he’s in a top slot.

2. CM Punk from ECW – A year late on this one, guys. I said last year that Punk should have been moved to RAW and given a shot at the top. He could have filled in the slot left open by Lashley, or the slot left open by Hunter or even the slot left open by Cena. He could have feuded with Randy Orton or Umaga or even Jeff Hardy. Instead, he sort of toiled away on ECW, occasionally mixing up with Edge and generally just fighting John Morrison or Chavo Guerrero over the relatively meaningless ECW Title. Now that Punk’s on RAW, he could either get the much-needed elevation to the top of the card or he could be shuffled into the midcard IC mess that Jeff Hardy and Chris Jericho seemed to languish in for years. Punk’s potential, as I’ve said numerous times, would be a solid heel turn. With no Orton, RAW lacks a true main event heel to feud with John Cena. Since Punk’s over but not over enough for Vince’s liking, why not turn him heel? Heel Punk and heel Jericho could provide a solid summer into fall, which means…gasp…new storylines. On the other hand, a heel turn now could do some serious damage to Punk because Orton could be back sooner rather than later, and that means CM gets shuffled back down the deck. Plus, with Creative thinking that he’s nothing more than an Edge knockoff, having him at the main event of RAW would seem too similar for their narrow-minded thinking. Punk’s move to RAW is very dangerous considering the politics involved, but maybe the WWE is moving him because they think he’s ready. In reality? Since ECW’s touring with RAW, it’s a great way to keep him on ECW TV without keeping him on the brand. Again, this allows USA to promote a different looking character, and allows the WWE to use Punk if they ever decide they want to give him a legit push. At the very least, being on RAW means he’s back on Vince’s radar, so look for a main event slot or a release within six months. Punk could either be the next Bobby Lashley…or the next Bobby Lashley.

3. Michael Cole from SD – Ugh is the word that comes to mind. My frustration from this pick comes from several key areas. First, this is not a move that is for the betterment of the company. Moving Cole to RAW and Jim Ross to Smackdown is only a continued part of the perverse joy that Vince gets from screwing with JR. He has never made it a secret that he hates JR’s style and look. Jim Ross is old, he’s got a southern accent, he calls wrestling moves and he doesn’t have a marketable look. Michael Cole has no problem kowtowing to the demands of the Front Office, and while his announcing skills have started to improve, he isn’t the right guy to call the flagship show. Cole’s style is less-than-exciting, and that’s fine for FNS, but on Monday nights that isn’t going to fly. Not to mention the fact that Ross and Lawler had impeccable timing with each other. Carrying Jerry has become an increasingly difficult task for Ross, something Cole never had to face considering Tazz, JBL and even Foley took to announcing like a duck to water. Expect a lot of growing pains over the next few weeks. This just has bad idea written all over it, and my biggest gripe is still the fact that it adds nothing to RAW and was only done to glorify the massive ego of Vince McMahon.

4. Batista from SD – Maybe a return to RAW will reignite the passion that was once inside Dave Batista. Being on RAW means that Dave has a chance to enter into the last twp big-money feuds he has, John Cena and Randy Orton. Perhaps a motivated Batista, appearing on a show with his “buddy” Rey and current semi-foil Chris Jericho, will rediscover why the WWE bothered to put him in the main event of Wrestlemania in the first place. At the very least, his presence gives RAW another main eventer to fill that 10 pm slot.

5. Kane from ECW (with the ECW Championship) – No clue why the WWE would take him off ECW considering on RAW he’s a midcard jobber-to-the-stars while on his current brand he’s a world champion. I guess Mr. Jacobs is getting ready to wind down his career and wants to do it on the flagship show, and if the WWE decides to turn him heel, you’ve got a new replacement for Umaga.

6. Jamie Noble from SD – On Smackdown Noble went from entertaining midcard leech to JTTS with the potential to be a comic face, while on RAW he’ll be…well…I was going to say Heat fodder but without Heat, Noble’s got little to do. Maybe a feud with Paul London to fill segment 3 every week? I for one won’t object to that. This isn’t a very good move for Jamie, but he’s proven his usefulness to the company and there are worse things than collecting a nice paycheck to bounce around for bigger stars on the highest rated wrestling program on television.

7. Deuce from SD – Just as he’s about to enter his big feud with Domino, the kid who would be Snuka is moving to Monday Night RAW. Was he the face or the heel of the break-up in the first place? Creative never really pinned down which guy was which, and by moving brands, both guys could potentially stay heel. I’m fine with him changing scenery considering he was nothing more than a jobber on Smackdown for the past several months. Maybe a gimmick change is in order for Deuce? Man I hope so.

8. Chuck Palumbo from SD – Again, this move makes little sense and will have an even smaller impact. Chuck Palumbo was doing fine as a midcard guy on Smackdown and I figured if he was moved at all it would be to ECW. Adding Palumbo to RAW means yet another guy who draws nothing but apathy from the crowd, and on a live show you can’t pipe in cheers. On the plus side, he’s another lummox for guys like Batista and Cena to beat up on when they’ve got nothing better to do. I don’t think the WWE expects much from the guy, and he’s more than happy to oblige.

9. Matt Striker from ECW – Striker on RAW gives the WWE another Monday night talk show segment thanks to his Classroom gimmick. Why was Striker moved to Raw, you ask? My guess is that the WWE is going to transition him into the number three guy at the announce table, giving RAW the 3-man booth Vince has wanted since 96. If this move gives the entertaining and underused Striker more face time then I’ll take it. Also, Striker, Rey, London and Noble are now all on RAW…hmm…the possibilities.

10. Layla El from ECW – With ECW no longer touring with Smackdown, having Layla on a show with no Diva wrestling makes it hard to utilize her talents. By putting her on RAW, she can step easily into Melina’s current role seeing as she’s going to be out for a few weeks. Even if that doesn’t work out, Layla’s another great heel for Mickie to work with based on what Layla was cranking out with McCool.

11. Kofi Kingston from ECW – This is the big, greedy talent grab that RAW always does, and Kingston can take Hardy’s slot as the resident high flyer and crowd pleaser. He’s talented, fun to watch and he’s black, three things Vince knows he needs to start pushing. Plus (say it with me now), by touring with ECW Kofi can still work Tuesday nights.
SD Gets

1. Jeff Hardy from RAW – Jeff’s a big name who was so close to breaking the glass ceiling once and for all…until he got busted. Now, he’s been shuffled into a glut of main event guys on RAW and was finally clawing his way back to the top when he was moved to Smackdown. Jeff/Edge, Jeff/MVP and even Jeff/Carlito should be interesting, and if Hunter decides to do so, he could allow Hardy to reenter the rarified air of legit main eventer. Hardy being back in the hands of Michael Hayes is a major positive for him and for a show that needs some start power.

2. Jim Ross from RAW – I made my thoughts pretty clear on this one with what I said about Cole. On the other hand, Ross and Foley should be damn entertaining and should have been the RAW announcers if Vince truly wanted to do a switch. On the other hand, being the Smackdown announcer means you have to come in to fix the show and JR ain’t flying from Oklahoma to Stanford every week. If Vince wants Jim to retire, this could be the way to do it. On the other hand, JR is the perfect guy to introduce the new MyNetwork fans to Smackdown…assuming anyone buys into Vince’s garbage logic of new network meaning new viewers. Either way, expect a lot of exposition being spewed to tell us who everyone is, and Jim Ross is more than capable of handling that.

3. Umaga from RAW – It’s been a longtime coming and chances are when Chavo turns face on Edge at their wedding that Umaga will take his spot in the Familia. Either way, he’s immensely talented and could be a world champion on Friday night (hell, they put the gold on Khali). Look for him to be used to elevate Kennedy and Hardy and probably work some more main events with Hunter to keep Trips away from Edge for a bit.

4. Ken Kennedy from RAW – Well he’s supposed to be a face now and he’s supposed to be a big deal and yet we barely see him on RAW. By moving him to Smackdown, the man who would be Austin has a chance to work with Edge and maybe ignite a poor man’s Rock/Austin with MVP. Hey, at least it can’t get any worse for Mister Kennedy…Kennedy.

5. HHH from RAW (with the WWE Championship) – This was the “big” shakeup move and one that people will believe once they actually see it. I think Hunter will be back on RAW by August, but I’m a cynic. I’m also a realist. Hunter can’t stay away from the top show. On the other hand, what would help justify his legacy more than turning Smackdown from the B-Show into another A-Show? Hunter/Edge should make a ton of money for the WWE, but I just don’t buy him getting into the Vicki storyline…unless he drugs her, marries her and then has her turn on Edge for real. Nah, they would never do that. Ever. Please let me be right.

6. Trevor Murdoch from RAW – With Cade ascending to the top of the charts on RAW, Trevor would have been left in the dust. Now that he’s on Smackdown with a southern gimmick, a unique look and Hayes back with the book, chances are the immensely talented and criminally underused Murdoch will get his chance to shine in the midcard.

7. Big Daddy V from ECW – When they moved him to ECW and Henry to Smackdown everyone knew why. Let’s keep Henry away from PS for the time being, but that means we need a big, talentless black guy to fill that void. Cue V. He’ll get flattened by Big Show and jobbed out by Hunter, but at least the former King of the Ring will still have a job…even will doing the job.

8. DH Smith from RAW – Will this be the smark swerve with the WWE actually having him show up on RAW as Dibiase’s tag partner? Probably not. This effectively kills the Third Generation stable they were setting up on RAW, but all is not necessarily lost. Smith’s got Natalia to serve as his valet and PS would love to be the guy to “make” DH. Let’s hope he becomes more than a filler talent.

9. Brian Kendrick from RAW – Please let this be his opportunity to become a legit superstar. Please let this be his opportunity to become a legit superstar. Please let this be his opportunity to become a legit superstar. He’s incredibly talented in the ring, can play the weasely heel or the heroic underdog and has the ability to work well with anyone from Umaga to Shelton to Hunter. This could be awesome…but it probably will mean he’ll be jobbing to Kosloff within a month.

10. Maria Kannelis from RAW – Oh Maria, how I’ll miss you. Go frolic on Friday nights, where you’ll be doomed to being Tivod and fast forwarded through as I watch FNS hung over Saturday mornings.

11. Shelton Benjamin from ECW – Moving from Smackdown to RAW was supposed to be his big break. Moving from RAW to ECW was supposed to be his big break. Maybe moving from RAW to Smackdown will be his big break. Again. At the very least he’ll be in the now white hot upper midcard area with Kennedy, MVP, Hardy and…

12. Carlito from RAW – On Smackdown he was the biggest up and coming heel. On RAW he was feuding with the Highlanders on Heat. Maybe this move will once and for all let the fans realize he’s got something there. And that the something is more than just a bad attitude.
ECW Gets

1. Matt Hardy from SD (with the United States Championship) – Matt should fit in well on ECW since Jeff’s taken his main event slot on Smackdown. With no one else to carry the main event face position, Matt Hardy is a shoe-in to be the next ECW Champion, which is a plus. The minus? He’ll have to do it against Mark Henry and Mike Knox. Maybe Hardy/Morrison will be the spark that helps push Matt up to the main event, especially when you consider the fact that he’s been insanely over despite not doing a whole hell of a lot.

2. Hornswoggle from SD – Don’t care, don’t like it, don’t wanna talk about it.

3. Super Crazy from RAW – Well it looks like Super Crazy wasn’t forgotten about by Creative after all. Let the guy bounce around the ring on real TV as opposed to an Internet stream and I’ll be happy.

4. Finlay from SD – I think we all know why this happened, and that’s because Dave is finally going to get his reward. He is finally going to be able to get to be a world champion. Yeah, it’s an ECW title, but just like Chavo before him, Finlay will be able to say that his years of hard work and determination have made him “the man”. Hey, when he’s inducted into the Hall of Fame, it sounds a lot better being called “former world champion” than “former United States champion”, right?

Whew. Done. I need a nap. Agree? Disagree? Awheeler316@yahoo.com
This has been for your consideration.