Every match is a championship match! Join me for live coverage of WWE’s Night of Champions, tonight.
Eighth match: WWE Championship: John Cena vs. HHH
———————-
We start with a video package on all of the various “champions”. About one minute long, and they use the word “champion” about 12 times.
And you are LIVE, in Dallas, TX. JR announces the “sold out” attendance as 16,151. Another bizarro moment: JR and Mick Foley together at the announce table.
First match: WWE Tag Team Championship: Morrison and The Miz vs. Finlay and Hornswaggle JR states that he just learned “the Google” a few days ago. Finlay starts off with Morrison. Finlay gets the advantage with some nice striking, and gets a quick two count. Body slam and an elbow drop, then a.. nerve pinch? Okay. Morrison fights out and bounces Finlay’s head off the turnbuckle, who rolls outside the ring. Morrison follows, but gets caught up in the ring apron (between his legs). Finlay pounds away, The Miz comes running around and threatens Hornswaggle, so Finlay pounds on The Miz a bit. Morrison with a clothesline on Finlay, so MaTM go after Hornswaggle. Foley voices his disgust that they are “pickin’ on a leprechaun!”. They toss him back into the ring, where he mans up and tells them to bring it. They try, but get hit with a double clothesline from Finlay. Hornswaggle becomes a mobile battering ram, and they wrap it up with stereo butt drops. Finlay caught back in the ring, double gutbuster for 2. Monkey flip into a forearm, followed by a plancha elbow from Morrison. Miz drops his head, gets kicked for it – atomic drop. Hornswaggle tags in, and gets a nice headscissors on Miz. Stone Cold Mini-Stunner, and a Mini-Bulldog get 2. Off the ropes, Morrison kicks Hornswaggle in the back of the head (granted, it didn’t require a lot of elevation on the kick). They smack Hornswaggle around a bit in their corner, and taunt Finlay by getting on their knees. Hornswaggle tries to fight out, but gets nailed by a double clothesline (from the knees). Miz misses a Bronco Buster, but Hornswaggle can’t make the tag. More smacking around, Hornswaggle does the “through the legs” bit and does make the hot tag this time. Finlay’s a house-a-fire. Powerslam for 2. Second rope dropkick for 2. Celtic Cross, tag to Hornswaggle. Miz knocks Finlay out of the ring while Hornswaggle climbs the ropes. Morrison beals him off, 1-2-3.
Winners: Morrison and The Miz
Over to the Raw announce table, with Michael Cole and Jerry “The King” Lawler, who walk about the HHH/Cena match, and review their Wrestlemania XXII match from two years ago.
Second match: US Championship: Chavo Guerrero vs. Matt Hardy Chain wrestling to start, Chavo with a roll-up for 1. Hardy with a shoulderblock, Chavo back with a headlock. Hardy with a bodyslam and fistdrop for 1. Bulldog is countered by Chavo, who follows up with a chopblock to the left knee. Chavo works the knee over immediately, including wrapping it around the ringpost. Chavo covers for 1. More working on the knee, Hardy punches his way out, and gets a bulldog for not-quite-1. And… back to the knee. Chavo up top — Hardy rolls out of the way, and Chavo rolls through to his feet. Blind charge meets clothesline from Hardy. Back elbow and elbowdrop for 1. They fight over a backslide, Chavo flips through, Hardy hits the Side Effect! 1-2-no. 2nd rope elbowdrop from Hardy, who then grabs his own knee. Another 2 count. Hardy caught on the second rope, Chavo rolls through to a single-leg Boston Crab. Hardy makes the ropes. Hardy back up, DDT for 2. Chavo counters a Twist of Fate attempt, into another single leg Boston Crab, in the center of the ring. Hardy fights to the ropes again. Desperation enzuguiri from Hardy. Three Amigos from Chavo (booed loudly by the crowd), but the Third Amigo is countered – by a Twist of Fate! 1-2-3!
Winner: Matt Hardy
Review of the 2008 version of “Who tried to kill Vince?” storyline
The ECW announce table finds Mike Adamle and Tazz sitting behind it. I’m sure it was quite surprised.
Third match: ECW Championship: Mark Henry vs. The Big Show vs. Kane Adamle reminds us we have “over 1200 lbs of angry athletes” in that ring now. Right off the bat, Kane kicks Henry and beats down Show in the corner. Henry splashes Show, and Kane gets a low dropkick to Henry’s knee. Show gets back in the game, throwing some soupbones in the corner on Kane. Kane back with a DDT off the ropes, not even a 1 count. Show throws Kane out of the ring, where Henry is waiting. Adamle calls the situation “a scene from Jurassic Park”. Kane is hurt outside the ring, holding his knee. Henry and Show back inside, collar and elbow show of strength, no clear winner. Henry off the ropes with a shoulderblock – Shows takes a step or two back. Show returns the favor, and Henry goes down. Body slam by Show. Trainers come from backstage to look at Kane. Slow… slooowww back and forth inside the ring. Show goes for a chokeslam, but Henry fights out. Double clotheslines takes both men out. The crowd picks up – Kane is on the top turnbuckle, flying clothesline to Henry. Kane gets up (not selling the knee at all), uppercut to Show. Henry in one corner, Show in the other – Kane hits both with a clothesline. He tries once too often, and Henry catches him with a bear hug. Kane fights out, and Show takes Henry down with a big boot. Show and Henry team up for the double-chokeslam on Henry. Show covers, 2 count broken up by Kane. Kane covers, 2 count broken up by Show. Kane and Show face off, strikes back and forth, won somewhat by Show. Charge to the corner met with a big boot, followed by an enzuguiri from Kane. Another flying clothesline attempt caught by Show in the goozle – well, it’s a big chokeslam! 1-2-no! Zombie sit up by Kane, who tries his own chokeslam – no go. Something similar to a back suplex from Show, 2 count. Show goes outside the ropes… to the top? Caught by Kane – superplex! Henry comes flying into the picture, splashes Kane – 1-2…3? Really? Huh.
Winner: Mark Henry
Backstage with Batista, who promises that he will not return to Raw empty handed. “What’s up, John?” Cena welcomes him back to Raw with a handshake, and reminds him that he may not be the only champ on Raw tomorrow night. CM Punk appears, and tells them that he hopes they both win, since “this briefcase is getting awfully heavy”.
Fourth match: World Tag Team Championship: Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes vs. Ted Dibiase Jr. and …
Dibiase says his partner just “texted” him, and asks if they could “wait just 10 minutes”? The ref says no way, so they start the match without him.
Fourth match: World Tag Team Championship: Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes vs. Ted Dibiase Jr. Rhodes starts, but Dibiase calls out Holly. Holly tags in — and is immediately hit by a DDT from Rhodes! Yup – Dibiase’s partner is: Cody Rhodes.
Fourth match: World Tag Team Championship: Hardcore Holly vs. Ted Dibiase and Cody RhodesRhodes melodramatically tags in Dibiase, who stalks Holly. Million Dollar Dream into a Russian Leg Sweep. 1-2-3.
Winner: Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes
JBL is up in a luxury suite, supposedly. (Actually, they’re just standing at the top of some stairs.) He asks Todd – why doesn’t JBL have a match in this PPV? Todd: “It’s because… you’re not a champion.” Crowd: “YOU SUCK!” JBL insults the crowd and lists his various accomplishments, claiming to be “a champion in life”. He insults Mark Cuban (not cool) and the Cowboys (there we agree). He reminds the crowd that the Cowboys were the favorites, and lost to “his” New York Giants.
Fifth match: Intercontinental Championship: Chris Jericho vs. Kofi Kingston Jericho runs down HBK before the match. Lance Cade is ringside. Lockup, slap to the face by Jericho. A bit of chain wrestling to start, shoulderblock and roaring elbow from Jericho. Jericho tries to throw Kofi to the floor, but Kofi just bounces off the ropes. Forearms from Kofi, couple of very, very high leapfrogs from Kofi, Jericho rolls outside the ring. Kofi follows with a baseball slide and a plancha. Back in the ring, Kofi hits a big splash for 2. 10-punch countalong only gets to 5, before Jericho throws Kofi over the top to the floor. Kofi run back-first into the apron twice, rolled back into the ring. Shoulderblocks in the corner, Irish whip to the opposite corner. They fight over a suplex over the ropes – Jericho wins, for a 2 count. Backbreaker, extended over the knee. Kofi knees his way out, Jericho hits a big dropkick. Splash on the second rope. Jericho with an abdominal stretch. (Oh good, I can get a new glass of wine.) Kofi hiptosses out. Drop toehold from Jericho into the second rope. Kofi set up in the corner (“BOR-ING!” chant breaks out, to my surprise) – top-rope back suplex is countered into a splash by Kofi. 1-2-no! (Oh – maybe it was “KO-FI!”) Kofi fights back – discus punch, dropkick, flying jalapeno. Jericho catches him, into a Walls of Jericho attempt – but Kofi rolls through with a small package. 1-2-no! Clothelines from Kofi, double leg drop, another 2 count. Blind charge hits boot – Kofi hits a rana for 2. Jericho up with a clothesline, and a kick to the ribs. Bodyslam, Lionsault, another attempt for the Walls of Jericho – cinches it in deep. Out of the crowd – it’s HBK! Sweet Chin Music to Lance Cade, up onto the apron – but Jericho is waiting, and nails a shoulderblock. Jericho turns around – Kofi hits the swinging roundhouse – 1-2-3!
Winner: Kofi Kingston
Post-match, Jericho is pissed, and chases HBK up the ramp. Tony Garea tries to calm him down, but to no avail – Jericho nails a punch to the injured eye. HBK writhes around the ramp in pain.
Backstage with La Familia. The Edge Boys show remorse that HHH sided with Batista, but Edge reminds them of how many titles he’s held over the years.
Sixth match: Women’s Championship: Micki James vs. Katie Lea BurchillPaul Burchill is, of course, ringside. Burchill pulls out the quick display of wrestling, with 3 quick roll-ups. Micki with a go-behind and takedown, and her own roll-up for 1. Micki with a monkey flip and a roaring elbow. Micki up top, Katie decides to bail. Katie back in with a tackle for 1, Micki off the ropes with a dropkick to a seated Katie for two. Katie tries to roll out again, Micki tries to stop her, Katie pulls her left arm over the top rope. Back in the ring, Katie goes to work on the arm, including an impressive hammerlock back suplex. Micki attempts a comeback, stopped with more punishment to the arm. An extended arm-BAR starts to kill the crowd, until Micki pulls out a Thesz Press. Katie back with a Japanese DDT. The ref has repeated stopped Katie from going after Micki until he has confirmed that Micki can continue. Charge to the corner meets boot, Micki out with a rana. Couple of clotheslines from Micki, and a double forearm for 2. Micki sets up for the “screaming DDT”, but Katie rolls through to an ARM-bar in the center of the ring. Micki gets out with an arm drag. Hammerlock into the turnbuckle. Another hammerlock back suplex attempt – Micki lands on her feet. Jumping DDT, 1-2-3.
Winner: Micki James
So the lesson for tonight is: working over a body part extensively doesn’t work if you’re a heel.
Seventh match: World Championship: Edge vs. Batista Batista, obviously, wins the opening tests of strength. Batista shoves Edge out of the ring and then (foolishly) chases – Edge caught by the ankle coming back in, kicks Batista off. Baseball slide misses, Batista bounces his head off the apron. Then off the barricade. (The two chicks sitting ringside at that spot almost have collective heart attacks.) Back elbow for 2. Hard Irish whip into the corner for 2. Snap mare, boot to the head, jackhammer for 2. Edge clotheslined over the top rope to the floor. Batista tosses him back in, caught coming through the ropes, and thrown into the ringpost. Baseball slide works this time, and Batista goes over the ECW announce table. Batista rolls back in, beat down, draped over the second rope – Edge hits the splash. Elbow drop on the apron. Batista fights back, stopped with a drop toe-hold and an elbow drop. Swinging neckbreaker for 2. Chin lock (=more wine). Batista takes him into the corner – blind charge countered with a drop toe-hold into the second turnbuckle. They exchange blows in the corner, till Edge hits a neckbreaker. 2 count. Another chin lock. (Stretch the legs.) Batista up – tries the powerbomb, Edge slips out, Batista with a snap mare, tries a spear in the corner, Edge up and over with a sunset flip for 2. Edge up top, Batista knocks him off, Edge with a necksnap over the top rope. Edge back in the ring, Batista hits a running lariat. Batista drives Edge into the corner, shoulderblocks. Clothesline in the corner, sidewalk slam for 2. Edge with a kick off the ropes, Batista hits the spear – 1-2-no! Setup for the Batista-bomb, Edge fights out, off the ropes – powerbomb! Batista shakes the ropes, thumbs down – Batista-bomb – NO! Edge rolls out, hits the Edgecutioner. Cover, 1-2-no. Edge sets up for the spear – he charges, gets kicked in the face. Batista.. goes up top? Off the ropes – Edge counters with a dropkick. The Edge Boys roll out Vicki. Edge sets up for the spear again – charges, leapfrog! Spinebuster, 1-2-…. Vicki grabs the ref’s leg. Edge with one more spear attempt – this time, thrown shoulder-first into the ringpost. Edge is outside the ring, the ref starts counting. He gets to 7, and.. Edge pulls the ref out of the ring, and slugs him. Vicki calls for another ref, and we get… Chavo in a striped shirt. JR: “My god, this reeks of collusion!” Really, JR? What gave you your first clue? Batista finally says, “Screw this”, grabs Vicki by the hair and pulls her into the ring. Chavo runs down, much pointing of fingers… Batista gorilla presses her and tosses her outside the ring onto La Familia! Edge runs back into the ring, and clocks Batista with the belt. Chavo crawls in, and it’s academic here.
Winner: Edge
The Great American Bash is Sunday, July 20 in NYC.
Backstage with HHH: “I’m gonna go out there and do what I should have done two years ago.”
Eighth match: WWE Championship: John Cena vs. HHH HHH is about 50 shades of tan darker than Cena – they almost look like different races. HHH dominates to start, hitting a couple of shoulderblocks, a hiptoss, and a D-X crotch chop. The crowd is fairly strongly behind HHH, in case you were wondering. Cena back with a shoulderblock and a clothesline. Cena wins the brawling game, and gets a vertical suplex out of the corner for 2. HHH catches him off the ropes, Cena hits one shoulderblock off the ropes; HHH ducks the next and Cena goes to the floor. Cena sent into the barricade. Back in the ring, HHH works over the lower back with knees (I know, I’m shocked too) and a backbreaker (hence the name). Vertical suplex, and a elbow drop to the small of the back, in a “methodical” pace. A couple of Hard Irish whips to the corner, 2 count. Cena brawls out (“BOO!”), gets his own Irish whip, charge meets foot (“YAY!”). HHH off the second rope, meets foot also. Cena with the shoulderblocks, and the back suplex. “You can’t see me” also meets boot. HHH with the high knee off the ropes. Facebuster. (We’re doing all the classics tonight.) Kick-wham-No! Cena off the ropes with a bulldog. Cena.. up top? Fame-asser! Goes for the STFU, HHH kicks out. Back suplex. Pause, nod to the crowd. “Yu can’t see me!” Off the ropes – HHH up with a kneelift. Spinebuster. Lion roar! Kick-wham-no again! HHH thrown into the corner, over the top to the floor in that scary spot he pulls out every so often that I’m terrified will put him on the shelf for 6 months each time. HHH crawls in, favoring the left knee, and rolls back out. Cena runs out of the ring, and hits a chop block on the knee (oh good, just a work). Kneebreaker onto the steel steps. Cena wraps HHH’s knee around the ringpost. Twice. Another STFU attempt – HHH makes it into the ropes. They fight int the middle of the ring – Cena going for the STFU, HHH doing everything possible to counter it, makes the ropes. Cena changes up – goes for the FU instead. HHH slips off, sets up for the kick-wham.. Pedigree! But that means he landed on his knee! Crawls over, hooks a leg, 1-2-… no! HHH clutching his knee. The ref starts to count – get to 8.. both men up. Cena hoists him up – FU! But Cena is exhausted.. finally gets over for the cover. 1-2-…no! Another ref count, another 8. They exchange punches… slowly… (“YAY!” ……. “BOO!” ……… “YAY!”). HHH wins the punch-off, but Cena ducks, back suplex. Another long, delayed “You can’t see me!” But HITS the five-knuckle shuffle. HHH struggles to stand, Cena for the FU, HHH makes the ropes. HHH with the kick-wham-… Cena rolls through with a grapevine – STFU! HHH fights towards the ropes, reaching… Cena releases the hold, pulls HHH back to the middle of the ring, and goes to re-apply the STFU. Has the leg, goes for the head… HHH covers his head, fights it off, and.. into the crossface! Cena is fading… but fights up… HHH on his shoulders, up for the FU! HHH elbows out, kick-wham-PEDIGREE! 1-2-3!
Winner: HHH
No lie – the ending of that match was as good as I’ve ever seen in the WWE. Evah.
So, both titles now go to Smackdown. How do they resolve that? Tune in next week and find out.
(My guess: Edge and HHH face each other. The title of the winner stays on Smackdown. The title of the loser moves to Raw, where they have an 8 man tournament for it. But, we’ll see.)
