The Pulse Wrestling staff predicts this year’s WWE incarnation of the Bash!
WWE could have picked any WCW Pay Per View title they wanted. They could have gone for the Granddaddy of them all in Starrcade, Bash at the Beach which made history more than once, Fall Brawl with one of my favorite gimmick matches of all times â€“ War Games, or many others. They chose The Great American Bash, which used to be a real stinker as a Smackdown only event, but last year was a pleasant surprise. On paper, this yearâ€™s card seems promising, but will it deliver? The best predictions team on the internet is here to make its picks.
HHH (c) vs. Edge:
Andrew Wheeler: Unfortunately, I have to leave for Vegas in like 6 hours (tough life), so I can’t really do a very detailed Roundtable prediction. Go figure that I had more time to rip TNA than to comment on what looks like a well put together PPV (which is rare for the WWEified Bash). HHH/Edge is the single biggest feud for SmackDown to exploit since the draft, however now is not the time to do a full-blown Edge & Hunter feud. Save it for Survivor Series or even Rumble or Mania. With that said, Edge needs the gold, especially if he’s going to be feuding with Taker. Hunter doesn’t need the title right now, and having him chase Edge is entertaining television.
Mark Neeley: As much as I’d like to see Edge win the title back, I have a feeling that the HHHead guy in charge is going to make this 13th reign a lengthy one, because let’s face it, he’s far superior to the rest of the B show roster. I think the end will be fairly obvious after what happened on SmackDown with HHH revealing Edge has been cheating on the wedding planner or whatever. Vickie will screw Edge out of the title after Edge almost has it won after a ref bump or the like and this continue this feud until a rematch at SummerSlam, and probably beyond. The only other way it could possibly go would be if the cheating angle was actually designed by Edge and she will end up screwing HHH (pun intended) for Edge to win, but that would quite be stretching the “ultimate opportunist” role. Oh well, at least I’m creative.
Winner â€“ HHH
Raffi Shamir: I must say that like the way Triple H ruined Test and Stephanieâ€™s wedding better than they way he ruined Edge and Vickieâ€™s. Anyway, heâ€™s has only been on SmackDown for one month, so itâ€™s too soon for him to drop this showâ€™s new biggest prize (Which was actually that showâ€™s original biggest prize). Iâ€™ll even take it one step further â€“ a face Triple h would never cheat to win a match, because it would make him look weak, so despite everything that happened on Friday, Vickie will not be the deciding factor here. He will do it clean.
Winner: Triple H
Kace Evers – Edge wins so Hunter can chase after him. ‘Course Hunter’ll just beat him up afterwards.
Winner: Edge AKA Edgey Guerrero
Iain Burnside: There’s a whole lotta f*cking going on. All three of the Hs managed to f*ck their collective seed into Stephanie in one reality. In another, the once and former Sexton Hardcastle f*cked the jiggly and wrinkled bits of Mrs Eddie, and then of Mrs Wedding Planner, and a bit of Lita on the side from way back when, only not as far back as when those pesky Hs were f*cking the gender neutral land mass known as Chyna, which came before Chyna was f*cking Sean Waltman, who gave himself X-Pac Heat by apologising for his light-heavyweight cock. We know this last part to be true because it was released on DVD. Those spiffy Hs spent a lot of time filming Edge Man and Madame Wedding trying to make with the f*cking. They also accosted Stephanie on film during their wedding-what-was at the drive-thru, as well as making a tape of themselves f*cking a fake corpse to mock former Kane having possibly f*cked a real corpse of his fake storyline girlfriend in the alternative continuity. This is an exact science and, in the end, the thing to take away from this is that Triple H is a pervert. And a father-to-be. And losing. And isn’t it curious that he is now in the Chris Jericho role, albeit without the dog poo? Needs more f*cking.
Winner – EDGE
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
CM Punk (c) vs. Batista:
Andrew Wheeler: This is more of a hope pick than a rational pick for me, but I’m going with Punk to keep the gold. His title reign hasn’t led to a mass exodus of viewers, and doing Batista/Kane/Punk matches would ensure that there’s a solid heel, a solidified WWE main eventer and a rising star to carry the top of the card. Unfortunately, I don’t think CM will get a clean, definitive victory.
Mark Neeley: This is going to be interesting. I predicted that DAVE would win the belt back ever since he was the one who set up Punk’s cash in, and I expected it would probably happen at the next “big show” which just happens to be SummerSlam a month away. So that means Punk hast go over here, but how? Well, the obvious would be a heel turn for either guy … a DAVE heel turn has been “talked” about for a while now, and Punk doing so would just be pure awesome even though I don’t anticipate it happening anytime soon. I guess this could of course end in DQ fashion, as it is the Great American Bash and all. I think I’ll just go with that, and Punk retains the title leading to the big rematch next month.
Winner – CM Punk (DQ)
Raffi Shamir: This may be too soon to judge Punkâ€™s title reign, as itâ€™s only been three weeks, but Iâ€™m afraid heâ€™s getting the Rey Mysterio treatment, of the underdog who barely escapes with the title every time. Normally I wouldnâ€™t mind that, because Punk has yet to show me heâ€™s not overrated as hell, but I truly believe that if they already gave him the big gold belt, they should have also made him a real star with everything it takes, and it hasnâ€™t happened yet. I see him getting beat up by Batista for the better part of the match and then winning by a fluke.
Kace Evers – Dave wins in less than 5 minutes, just so the fans can be spited.
Winner: Dave Batista
Iain Burnside: My associate has done some research into the title chokeness that is Dave Batista… Since his originally beefy and altogether DAVEly run with the belt, he’s sucked a fair bit and counted a few lights… on PPV since his return from injury in 2006:
Great American Bash 2006 – loses to Mr Kennedy by DQ CHOKE!!!
SummerSlam – beats Booker by DQ – CHOKE!!!
No Mercy – Booker T retains in 4 way CHOKE!!!
Survivor Series 2006 – Batista wins world title from Booker T
Armageddon 2006 – Batista and Cena beat Finlay and Booker T. THIS WAS A MAIN EVENT???!!!
Rumble 2007 – Batista pins Kennedy
No Way Out – loses to Michaels and Cena in team with ‘Taker though, to be fair, he *did* kick the ‘Taker’s ass before the fall leading to their loss.
Wrestlemania 23 – loses title to Undertaker CHOKE!!!
Backlash – double ko with Undertaker CHOKE!!!
Judgement Day – loses to Edge AGAIN – CHOKE!!!
One Night Stand – loses to Edge in cage match CHOKE!!!
Night of Champions – beats Edge by DQ in title match CHOKE!!! Then, when the match is re-started, wins again but by Count Out DOUBLE CHOKE!!!
Great American Bash – loses in three way to GARY CHOKE!!!
Summerslam – beats Khali by DQ – CHOKE!!!
Unforgiven – wins three way for title. HAPPY!!!
No Mercy – beats Khali in yellow bamboo cage match. LUCHA DAVE!!!
Cyber Sunday – beats Undertaker clean. SCORE!!!
Survivor Series 2007 – Batista beats Undertaker due to Edge’s interference CHOKE DODGE!
Armageddon 2007 – Edge beats ‘Taker and Batista to win Dave’s world title CHOKE!!!
Rumble 2008 – Batista loses Rumble match CHOKE!
No Way Out – loses Elimination Chamber to Undertaker CHOKE!!!
Wrestlemania 24 – beats Umaga in boring match where crowd starts cheering for Umaga. HALF SCORE!!!
Backlash – fooled by Michaels’ chicanery. TOOL!!!
One Night Stand – HAMMERS Shawn Michaels. YUMMY!!!
Night of Champions 2008 – CHOKES against Edge.
That’s 15 chokes in 2 years and 26 attempts to not choke – hitting a 58% choke rate… impressive, you must concede. Take out non title matches, and he’s got 6/18 championship wins or defences, so he’s got an even sturdier 67% choke rate there. And what will Bash 2008 bring for dear ol’ Dave? ANGRY CHOKAGE.
Winner – SEE HIM SPUNK
Mark Henry (c) vs. Tommy Dreamer:
Mark Neeley: If anyone writes more than one sentence about this match, label me floored.
Winner – Mizark and the arena’s concession venders
Raffi Shamir: I wonâ€™t be the one to floor Mark.
Kace Evers – Given a choice, I’d rather see Dreamer win the ECW belt than I would Punk keep his. So naturally, he’ll lose.
Winner: Mark Henry
Andrew Wheeler: As I said in my column this week, I couldn’t be happier seeing Dreamer compete for a world title on a PPV. He’s a longtime WWE employee and has been busting his ass every damn week, so give him a little reward. Plus, he’s going to make Henry look like a monster threat.
Winner: Mark Henry
Iain Burnside: Say what you will about Mark Henry, there can be no denying that he is in fact Mark Henry.
Winner – MARK HENRY
Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels:
Andrew Wheeler: What an amazing feud this one has been! And if you think it’s over, think again. There’s a lot of miles still in this thing, because Michaels and Cade have yet to even set foot in the ring. Since HBK got over on Jericho for a while and then Jericho blinded HBK, I think Shawn will get the cheap win followed by a prolonged beatdown.
Mark Neeley: Well, it will be a Great American Bash first, they will get their first MOTYC. Let’s face it, it’ll be that easily. I barely remember their match from WrestleMania XIX as well, so it will be more of a special treat. Now, I see it as two options, either Michaels goes over cleanly or Jericho wins with Lance Cade-ference. I’m thinking the latter is probably the stronger option, though it would seem that the feud when then continue and I kind of have the feeling they want to get it over with. Anyway, I’m sticking with that choice.
Winner – Chris Jericho
Raffi Shamir: Jericho needs to win here, as they must continue this feud at least until SummerSlam. Lance Cade would make it easy for him to that. After last week, thereâ€™s nothing Iâ€™d like to see more that Paul London seconding HBK in this feud to even things out, but I know itâ€™s just a dream. Still, Y2J wins here and theyâ€™ll move on to either a cage match or even a Hell in a Cell next month.
Winner: Chris Jericho
Kace Evers – Michaels wins, thus justifying Jericho wasting his time in returning.
Winner: Shawn Michaels
Iain Burnside: I am a particularly enamoured fan of Lance Cade’s new gimmick, which appears to involve a lot of standing around and watching Chris Jericho matches. No interference, no passionate observations, no crowd interaction, just good ol’ fashioned watching. The world would be a better place if there were more people prepared to take the time to watch. Watch ROH, or else the cyborgs shall denounce thee as unworthy of their critical love. Watch this match and marvel at how it all began with Ric Flair’s retirement match, segued into some brain-eating from DAVE and wound up here – a feud so epic it even found time for a Paul London match. Oh, and a Bryan Danielson match, which slowed the internet 0.00000000000001% or something, since clearly the masses would shit themselves with excitement at the debut of a pasty-faced generic mook and just start throwing cash at their cable providers. So far as the match is concerned, I predict a riot. And face kicking.
Winner – MESS
NEW YORK CITY PARKING LOT BRAWL
John Bradshaw Layfield vs. John Cena:
Andrew Wheeler: Sure, the attempted vehicular homicide was stupid, but let’s not forget that Austin did it to Hunter and Rikishi did it to Stone Cold and Shane & Kane and Hulk & Rocky all participated in this stupidity. I think Cena’s promo alone was enough to sell this match, but the WWE needed to solidify the “chaos” theory surrounding RAW. Now, this brawl will ensure that Cena and JBL don’t need to wrestle AND it keeps the Long Island crowd from crushing John just as he (and his new CTS) seem to be almost getting over. I think Cena can take this one and it won’t hurt JBL too much.
Mark Neeley: I am not looking forward to this match. Why, because they’ve had it about five times now just under a different “title”, but the same style (i.e. the I Quits and First Bloods), and surprise surprise, there’s been the same winner every time. And oh, that’s of course not even counting the original title match. The feud was good then, when SmackDown prior to WrestleMania 21 JBL had Cena arrested for vandalizing his limo and so on, but they’ve had so many incarnations of it since it does nothing for me. And really, you’d think they’d give Bradshaw at least one win in the “series”, or a win period since they’ve treated him like a glorified jobber since returning to RAW. I don’t see that being the case though.
Winner – John Cena
Raffi Shamir: Sure, Cena always win against JBL, no matter what title they give to basically the same gimmick match. But those brawls are always fun. I remember a heel Cena (on the verge of his face turn) in an excellent Parking Lot Brawl against Eddie Guerrero on SmackDown many years ago. It was a great visual as they were surrounded by cars and the rest of the roster. Granted, JBL is not a Guerrero, but I still think theyâ€™ll deliver. Cryme Tyme will help Cena here and perhaps launch a full time feud with Rhodes/DiBiase.
Kace Evers – Cena wins, ’cause he could really use it right now.
Winner: John Cena
Iain Burnside: Allow me to point out the blatantly obvious to the retarded and slow – HE NEVER HIT HIM WITH THE CAR. Watch it again, there is no body between the two cars and not enough room for there to be one. JBL got carried away with his rage, much to his own disgust, but Cena survived. Oh, and JBL getting DQ’d for breaking up a submission attempt in the tag match? It was because the referee had already spotted and admonished him for cheating earlier in the match, so when he did it again the ref decided to just DQ him. It’s all tied into the un-authority theme of Raw, with the likes of JBL attempting to set their own rules without realising that even they need order, just as the rest of the wrestlers and referees attempt to play down chaos as best they can. Was it the wisest booking decision ever made? Nope. Did it make a crazy kind of sense in its own peculiar logic? Sure. Did it kill your wife and child? No, so stop whinging. This match will be cartoon fun and hopefully involve a run-in by Bumblebee.
Winner – JOHN-EL OF CENA
WWE DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP
Natalya Neidhart vs. Michelle McCool:
Andrew Wheeler: If this wasn’t the inaugural Diva match, I would give it to Natalya. On the other hand, calling Michelle McCool the “first ever champ” can go a long way in cementing her legacy.
Mark Neeley: Just what the world needs, yet another WWE championship. And I thought Night of Champions was stretching it. But hey, maybe it will get better spots on the card than the Cruiserweight title did!
Winner – McCool
Raffi Shamir: I may be mistaken here, but I think thereâ€™s a tradition that when a new title is introduced (or an old one brought back), a heel usually gets to hold it first. Keeping that in mind (even if itâ€™s wrong), Iâ€™ll have to go with Natalya.
Winner: Natalya Neidhart
Kace Evers – with Beth Phoenix busy beating up Santino Marella, Nattie gets to represent the, “Bigger Girl Champion Who’s Hard For Other Girls To Beat,” thing.
Winner: Natalya Neidhart
Iain Burnside: And anytime that Vickie is not on-screen, all the other characters should be asking, “Where’s Vickie?”
Winner – ANVILELLA NEIDHART
WWE Tag Team Championship
John Morrison & The Miz (c) vs. Finlay & Hornswoggle, Curt Hawkins & Zack Ryder and Jesse & Festus:
Andrew Wheeler: Well, the WWE has the hottest tag team in wrestling, so why not take the belts off of them? But who to give it to? I say the Edge-heads could use the gold and continue their feud with Jesse and Festus.
Winner: Hawkins and Ryderfakin
Mark Neeley: In my eyes there’s only one real contender here, Ryder and Hawkins. I actually thought a while back that they could get the titles; however that was assuming Edge still had the title, and I also predicted Chavo winning the US title so it would be an angle where La Familia owned all of the gold on the show. Now it would seem kind of pointless for them to have the titles with Edge dethroned, and really, it would just be a stupid idea to take the belts off of Morrison and The Miz who still have a pretty good thing going.
Winners – John Morrison & The Miz
Raffi Shamir: Hawkins & Ryder are the only viable contenders for the titles, but even they arenâ€™t worthy to enter the palace of wisdom. In a match full of winners and losers, Miz & Morrison are the only winners. It would be a complete mistake to take the title from them without something big building to it instead of a makeshift fatal four way. Let Miz & Morrison keep the titles and run free (And make more Dirt Sheets) until a worthy team comes along.
Winners: Miz & Morrison
Kace Evers – Fit and Hornswoggle win, just so the belts can be retired.
Winners: Fit Finlay & Hornswoggle
Iain Burnside: Reunite the Hardys on two separate occasions in recent months to face Miz and Morrison. Do these matches on free TV. Do not put the champions over the only classic team in the business that still means a damn thing. Do the second of these just before the PPV, on free TV, to spike a rating, which at least it did. Do not put the rematch, with the titles on the line, on the PPV. Do put the champions in there with three other teams they have either already faced numerous times, or that do not mean a damn thing in terms of drawing, or both. Do not provide the Hardys with any meaningful alternative match. Do not expect me to care. Do book a tag title ladder match between the champions and the Hardys, who despite having just recently defeated the champions are still apparently only the number 4 contenders. Do do duvets.
Winners – MIZUNMORSON
Matt Hardy (c) vs. Shelton Benjamin:
Mark Neeley: The fact that this match was added 2 days before the PPV and still isn’t on WWE.com on Saturday just shows its significance. Anyway, I would say Benjamin (if they’re actually going to give him another mid-card push, which they should) would be about a good of choice as any to get the belt off of Matt so maybe he can start chasing the ECW title soon, which is what I predicted as soon as he was drafted.
Winner – Shelton Benjamin
Raffi Shamir: Sheltonâ€™s held the secondary title on Raw for a long time and it did nothing for him. Then he started to gain some steam on ECW as The Gold Standard until he was unceremoniously drafted to SmackDown and was Big Show fodder this week. I donâ€™t see how switching the title from Hardy to him would benefit either of them, but that doesnâ€™t mean it canâ€™t happen. Still, Iâ€™ll go with my guts.
Winner: Matt Hardy
Kace Evers – Shelton wins, then renames himself, “The U.S. Standard.”
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
Iain Burnside: OH MY FU*CKING CHRIST HE’S ON ECW AND HE’S GOT A SMACKDOWN TITLE AND HE’S STILL APPEARING ON SMACKDOWN MORE THAN ECW AND MY BRAIN IS STUPID. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Weird to know that the challenger’s main claim to getting this match is that he is significantly more of a nigger than Michael Hayes (although possibly less than Charlie Haas). However, he is also significantly less interesting than a jigsaw puzzle with all the pieces taken out and the picture on the box scratched off, so…
Winner – MATTYKINS
Thatâ€™s what we think. PulseWrestling will have live coverage of the Great American Bash, so come back later tonight for all the updates as they happen.
Tags: batista, championship, chris jericho, cm punk, ECW, edge, HHH, kane, Raw, shawn michaels, Smackdown, WWE