We’re in Long Island, New York
Hosts are Mike Adamle and The Tazz, The J.R., The Mankind, The King and The Annoying Prick
WWE Tag Team Championships
Fatal Four Way
Champions – John Morrison and The Miz
Vs
The Edge Clones
Vs
Finlay and Hornswoggle
Vs
Jesse and Festus
The Edge Guys are so un-over in their hometown it’s quite sad. Finlay and Hornswoggle get quite the pop. One fall wins this which guarantees screwiness. Festus clears the ring but Miz and Morrison throw Horny to the wolves. Now THAT’S a group of heels. Festus decides to instead allow Horny to get a dive onto the champs. Miz gets worked over by the southern folk for a while. That segues into Morrison Vs Miz as Festus tags out, while having the advantage. Well it’s not like he’s in MENSA or anything. Miz goes to a chin lock on Finlay as the fans sit on their hands. Well we ARE in Long Island tonight, home of the worst crowds in wrestling. I sometimes wonder why they even show up for these shows as they never seem to enjoy them.
Finlay gets worked over by the champs for a while but he fights back and forearms Morrison for the double down. Ryder tags himself in and gets a two on Finlay. To be fair to the Edge Guys they weren’t announced as being from Long Island but it’s been made clear on TV that they are, although honestly who watches Smackdown? Finlay uses the sheill, shelllash, stick thing for a pin on Ryder but the champs break it up and he’s soon on the defensive again. Fans chant for Hornswoggle, when the midget is the most over guy in the match it says something. Horny comes in with some moves but Jesse tags himself in, turning him heel in the crowds eyes. It all breaks down and Festus kills everyone. Rocket Launcher is stopped by Ryder and Hawkins slams Jesse off the top for the win
WINNERS – HAWKINS AND RYDER
Time – 9:04
*3/4 – Match was pretty dull. I’d like to think this was the big climax to the Edge Guys push but let’s face it the belts mean nothing and they’re going to do nothing with them. At least they got a belt for a while though, that’s always nice.
WWE United States Championship
Champion – Matt Hardy
Vs
Shelton Benjamin
Clearly they want to get all the Smackdown matches out of the way quickly tonight. Logic dictates that Shelton wins here, seeing as he’s facing super jobber Matt and it would actually help elevate him after months of going nowhere in ECW. However, logic and WWE don’t always go hand in hand. Shelton wastes no time taking Matt down to the ground with a headlock. The headlockage goes on for a while but Matt counters with it’s natural enemy, armlockage! Both guys counter each others finishers and Matt gets some forearms. Matt ends up on the apron and Shelton throws him into the post for the cut off. Sweet back suplex from Shelton gets two. Fans get behind Matt, a testament to his overness. It’s amazing how fans keep cheering Matt considering how much he loses.
The guys in the crowd decide to rebel by chanting for Shelton but the women and kids back up Matt. Commentators completely ignore it though. Shelton stays in control working Matt’s back. Duelling chants start up again as Shelton nails Matt with a Dragon Whip. Stinger Splash in the corner is countered with raised boots and Matt unloads with the forearms. Bulldog gets two on Shelton. Matt sets Shelton up for the AHHHHHHHHHHHH Leg Drop for another two. Matt tries a rana (?!) but Shelton catches him and Power Bombs into the corner. Side Effect gets Matt another two as he’s just running through his entire arsenal here. Twists of Fate is blocked and Shelton sets Matt up for a super back drop. Matt elbows out but eats knee on a moonsault setting up the Pay Dirt for the clean win.
WINNER – SHELTON BENJAMIN
Time – 9:32
*** – Really solid and fun match. ECW has just been raped of two of their champions though but meh. Matt loses again, what a shock.
CM Punk cuts a damn fine promo hyping his match tonight.
Highlights of Smackdown as HHH ruins the Edge/Vickie wedding. They then have a poll to decide who they’re turning face.
ECW Championship
Champion – Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas
Vs
Tommy Dreamer w/ Collin Delaney
Oh great Mark Henry with a major title, that’ll make me happy. I always disliked Michael Hayes but now I hate him even more for shooting his big mouth off and getting Henry a big push. Even Dreamer’s hometown fans don’t give him a chance here, he still gets a nice pop though. Henry over powers Dreamer to start. Dreamer peppers him with punches but soon gets crushed again with a clothesline. Henry chokes and punches away as the fans don’t care. Henry now goes to the arm as the fans start to turn on the match.
Dreamer attempts to fight back but gets crushed again. Man this match is dull and unless they’re leading to a hell of a comeback then this is barely a star. Henry misses a splash and Dreamer gets a seated dropkick. Dreamer fights back and gets a two off a neck breaker. Dreamer DDT, but Atlas causes a distraction. Dreamer stupidly heads up top, instead of I don’t know TRYING A PIN, but Collin shocks everyone by turning heel. Henry completes the transformation of Dreamer’s life into a country song by nailing The Worlds Strongest Slam to win.
WINNER – MARK HENRY
Time – 5:30
½* – That turn was so ineffective considering the fact that Dreamer never looked like he was going to win and Henry squashed him like a bug. Had it been Extreme Rules with Dreamer on the offensive then it would have made sense as Collin would have actually cost Dreamer the match rather than speeding up the inevitable. I think Collin has great potential as a heel though judging by the awesome dick head grin he sports backing up the ramp.
Chris Jericho without Lance Cade or pyro Vs Shawn Michaels
Tense stand off to start. It’s the wild west baby! Jericho draws first and we have a forearm fest. Jericho wears Michaels out with knees but he fights back and nails some shots in the corner. Michaels gets his figure four move, which I still don’t think he’s named so I’ll call it the Heartbreak Lock just because it’s my rant. So there. Shawn continues to pound away in the corner but Jericho reverses a whip sending him into the corner and onto the apron. Jericho nails the sweet missile dropkick and Shawn takes a horrifying bump landing side first on the apron. Jericho works the ribs inside and goes to the sit-out surfboard. Shawn tries to fight back but gets enzuiguried for two. Jericho stays on the ribs but Shawn catches him with an atomic drop when he tries an axe handle.
Shawn gets the flying forearm but before he can TUNE UP THE BAND, Jericho gets him in The Walls of Jericho. Shawn makes the ropes and Jericho goes back to the mid section with the direct approach of a kick to the ribs. Sweet Chin Music is blocked but Shawn gets a desperation clothesline to counter the bulldog for two. Shawn heads up but Jericho crotches him on the top. They fight on the top for a while and Jericho tries a superplex but Shawn fights him off and gets the elbow. They actually looked like they were fighting for that there. Lance Cade makes his presence known but Shawn knocks him down and gets a roll up on Jericho for two. Shawn throws Jericho over the top onto Cade in a nice spot. Shawn then decides to moonsault onto both of them, because he’s a fucking nutter!
As Shawn tries to send Jericho in, Jericho gets a sly elbow to the bad eye and Shawn does a blade job for it. Jericho, just to be a dick, nails Shawn with a straight right to the eye. Shawn, ever the optimist, wants to go on and Jericho gets shot after shot to the eye, with closed fists mind you. Jericho now starts kicking the eye as we could be heading for an Edge/Hardy ending. Cade gets a cheapshot in as the ref admonishes Jericho. Jericho now head butts the eye, this match RULES! Shawn counters with the crossface out of nowhere but Jericho uses leverage to send Shawn eye first into the rope. The ref teases stoppage but Shawn won’t have any of it. THIS is how they should have done the Edge/Hardy match years ago. Jericho keeps going after the eye in a vicious manner, still with closed fists. One bad thing about the Austin era was that punches became legal, they’re so good for cheap heat when you can’t do them. Jericho keeps hammering away but sadly decides not to use the Danielson elbows. The ref finally has enough and calls for the bell.
WINNER – CHRIS JERICHO
Time – 18:19
***1/2 – Super intense match with a good finish. The punches hurt it though as Jericho could have done kicks, knees, stomps or elbows to beat up the eye. It probably would have looked better too. They have to do an I Quit match for the blow off.
Edge is backstage and he’s not a happy camper.
Divas Championship
Michelle McCool Vs Natalya Neidhart
Jesus Michelle eat a fucking cheese burger I’m begging you, it would only help. I guess Marc likes em scrawny. Lock up goes Michelle’s way as she dominates the early going but gets nearly decapitated on the top rope from a wheel barrow slam. Mexican Surfboard but Michelle counters and goes for the heel hook. That looked pretty good. Natalya pulls Michelle ribs first into the turnbuckle. Sharpshooter in the middle but Michelle gets to make the ropes on account of the fact of who she sleeps with. Natalya pulls her back but Michelle gets the heel hook. Natalya is amazingly allowed to not tap instantly but eventually she does because otherwise Marc would no doubt get nagged to death back at home.
WINNER – MICHELLE MCCOOL
Time – 4:36
*1/2 – Too short to be anything more and I do not buy Michelle as a submission master.
Jericho interrupts to state that Shawn Michaels has a detached retina. I was hoping he’d say “Shawn Michaels has left…the buildingâ€
World Heavyweight Championship
Champion – CM Punk
Vs
Batista
Let’s see if the fans turn on Punk here. Punk comes out first, never a good sign, that clearly makes Batista appear as the star. Anything but a clean Punk win will upset me greatly. Seeing as we’re in New York I’m betting the fans side with the big guy. Batista backs Punk into the corner and backs away. He does it again, clearly trying to send a message to Punk. Batista talks some smack so Punk unloads with kicks and forearms but Batista shrugs it off and gets a back elbow. Kick to the face gets two for Batista. Punk enzuiri’s Batista outside and gets a baseball slide. Suicide dive almost misses as Punk overshoots.
Back inside, Batista takes over with the power moves, suggesting that he’ll be playing subtle heel here. Batista gets a camel clutch but opts not to fuck Punk in the arse. I guess that’s a personal preference although somewhere the Iron Shiek is complaining. Punk gets some hope with a forearm and a mule kick sending Batista outside. Punk kicks Batista coming back in and unloads with some more but Batista gets a knee to the gut. Punk comes off the top with a cross body for two. check out the moveset from Punk tonight. Punk goes for the knee in the corner but Batista catches him with a Powerbomb attempt.
Punk fights out but gets Running Powerslammed. Punk blocks the Batista Bomb by grabbing the ropes and nails the knee in the corner followed by the MOTHER of all kicks to the head for two. Batista sold that beautifully. Punk sets up for the GTS but Batista elbows out and gets a clothesline in the corner. Punk seemed to get Batista up with relative ease there. Batista tries a Muscle Buster but Punk counters with an arm bar in the ropes and the springboard clothesline for two. Punk tries Anaconda Vice but Batista rolls up for two. Punk slaps his way out of a dragon screw but gets clotheslined out of his boots. This is a great match. Punk gets sent into the corner but Batista misses the shoulder charge in the corner. Punk tries a cross body off the apron but Batista catches him with a Spine Buster. However, Kane runs in and RUINS the match for the DQ.
WINNER – DOUBLE DQ
Time – 11:08
***1/4 – That was a great match before the stupid fucking finish as Punk again fails to prove himself. Kane kills everyone and beats up a cameraman. Couldn’t he have done this AFTER Punk had pinned Batista? Batista batters Punk post match as well just to make sure he’ll never get over. Punk got loads of offense in the match but the finish just solidified the assumption that the big dudes are the stars and Punk just got lucky again.
Parking Lot Brawl
JBL Vs John Cena
I smell pre-tape here. JBL comes to a fight in the parking lot in a suit. That’s so awesome. Cena plays some mind games to start before trying to run JBL over. Cena chokes JBL with something and slams his head in a car bonnet. That’s got to be stiff as hell. Cena then shocks JBL’s crotch. Cena then tries throwing a keg at JBL but he dodges and tries to drive away but Cena stops him and slams his face into the steering wheel. So they’re doing comedy spots? Fair enough. Cena gets whipped into a door in a brutal looking spot. I don’t envy these guys. JBL unloads with the potato punches and sets Cena up on a car for a spinning neck breaker for two. JBL is getting some bastard stiff punches here. JBL gets a DDT on another car but it looked pretty safe. Cena is out again at two.
Fans seem to be chanting “Hardy†for some reason. Cena gets rammed through a sugar glass window on a car. You can tell it isn’t a real one as he doesn’t die. Cena gets stuffed in the car as JBL goes into his limo to pull out petrol. Oh good grief. JBL of course sets the car on fire, causing attempted murder on pay per view in front of the world. What an idiot. Cena emerges from the car unscathed and unloads with punches on JBL before putting him in a car ramming it with a forklift. Oh shit not the Survivor Series 2000 finish. Cena hoists the car up on the forklift and drives it into the arena. Cena and JBL trade punches on the stage but Cena gets the upper hand and delivers the 5 knuckle shuffle on the stage. Yeah, that’ll fuck up your hip. Cena prepares for the F-U as I wait for the run in but JBL makes his own comeback and shoves Cena off the stage onto the car for the win.
WINNER – JBL
Time – 14:53
No Rating – That match was…interesting. I don’t feel comfortable rating it but it wasn’t really bad except for the goofy comedy spots and the attempted murder.
And the votes are in with 55% of people feeling bad for Edge. Man that’s some hatred for Vickie.
WWE Championship
Champion – Triple H
Vs
Edge
Edge wastes no time, charging after HHH with punches but HHH fights back and sends him outside. HHH snaps Edge’s neck on the top rope and follows that with some punches and a clothesline to the back of the head. Edge sold that like a king. HHH tries whatever on the outside but Edge counters with a stun gun on the barricade for the cut off. Edge Spears HHH in the corner and starts working on the mid section. Out we go where HHH gets introduced to the steps. Edge sends HHH into the apron and then the table to continue the work on the mid section. Back inside, Edge goes to a body scissors, which is such an antique of a move I doubt Colt Cabana would even touch it. HHH fights out but a dropkick soon ends any momentum.
HHH ends up on the apron and dodges a Spear sending Edge to the outside. HHH starts fighting back with right hands and gets a face buster sending Edge outside. Edge tastes the steps and then eats some ring post. Edge gets back in control with an Implant DDT on the floor. That gets two back in the ring. Edge heads up to the second rope but HHH catches him on a dropkick and catapults him into the corner followed with a DDT of his own for two. Pedigree is countered with the Edge-O-Matic for two. Fans are still very subdued all things considered as this is a solid match. HHH dodges the Spear and gets a school boy for two. Edge gets the Yakuza Kick to stop HHH’s momentum and it looks like it could be Spear time!
HHH counters with the Spine Buster and goes for the Pedigree but Edge shoves him into the corner to block. Edge sets HHH up top for a superplex and gets it. Alicia the Wedding Planner comes out to make her presence known but she gets knocked down by Vickie. Vickie comes in and measures Edge with the belt but Alicia attacks her for a cat fight. Edge tries to Spear Alicia but she moves and he hits Vickie. This gives HHH time to hit the Pedigree and it’s all over.
WINNER – TRIPLE H
Time – 16:58
***3/4 – That was a great match before the uber crappy finish. Why would Edge want to Spear Alicia when she came out to help him?
Well this show had some good matches but it just felt flat overall, mainly due to the crappy crowd and some terrible finishes. We’ll see where they go from here but my advice is that if you want to see three or four solid matches then buy the show. You’ll be happy with the majority of it but it’s hardly a blow away show by any means.
