Many people believe that transforming a wrestler into a movie star is an easy transition. The grapplers understand memorizing lines, faking emotions, playing to the crowd and moving their feet in choreography. They should be naturals in Hollywood. But it isn’t so. Otherwise Oscar season would resemble the Slammys. There’s a lot of bad movies starring wrestlers. We won’t mention all of them for fear the offended gladiators will piledrive us into the concrete.
The rule for the nomination process was that a wrestler could only be listed once otherwise this would be “The Best Rock Movies.” We couldn’t vote for anyone in Ready to Rumble. The movie was disqualified since WCW made David Arquette their heavyweight champ to promote the release. Sorry, Diamond Dallas Page. The folks at The DVD Lounge’s Department of Polling said their prayers and took their vitamins before ringing the bell for the best acting performances by wrestlers.
10. Hulk Hogan in Rocky III (1983) [Buy it at Amazon.com] – There was actual buzz that Hogan could be a major Hollywood star after tussling with Sly Stallone. They spoofed the fight between Muhammad Ali and the wrester Antonio Inoki. Who thought that was a smart idea? Hulk pulled off the scene as he took advantage of the gloved Sly. “Box Office Champ” seemed to be the next title belt in the grasp of the man known as Thunderlips. Hogan went on to create a cinematic legacy equal only to Tom Arnold. Did the retinas of the world need to be exposed to No Holds Barred, Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny and Santa with Muscles? He might have called himself “Hollywood Hogan,” but he was really “Straight to Video Hogan.”
9. Ric Flair in The Wrestler (1974) [Buy it at Amazon.com] – We are legally obligated to include the Nature Boy on any Top 10 wrestler list. The Wrestler was executive produced by legend Verne Gagne as his star-making vehicle. Little did he realize his Oscar stretching neck would get clotheslined from Ric and Ed Asner. Asner wants to clean up pro-wrestling from mobsters that “fix” the matches. Quit laughing. It’s not supposed to be a comedy. Dusty Rhodes has a close-up and proves he could have made a great goon on CHiPs. This is a buck DVD treasure.
8. John Cena – The Marine (2006) [Buy it at Amazon.com] – The Dr. of Thuganomics lays a beating on Terminator-1000 (Robert Patrick). The film is a cross country chase that keeps the action big and dump. Cena is reminiscent of a young Howie Long in Firestorm. While it’s easy to believe Cena as a military guy, the producers screwed up on the location. They kept claiming this film took place in South Carolina, but everything screamed Australia. A dingo ate the script.
7. Jerry “The King” Lawler in Man On The Moon (1999) [Buy it at Amazon.com] – Jerry recreates his historic wrestling feud with Andy Kaufman (Jim Carrey). Director Milos Forman didn’t having Lawler look like himself from that time. Where was his iconic beard? He looked like he wandered from the Monday Night Raw announcing table. Lawler and Carrey created a buzz by acting like they fought on the set. But it was merely a lie to get publicity for the flick. Perhaps in the future they will make The Jim Carrey Story and Lawler will play himself playing himself in Man on the Moon highlight.
6. George “The Animal” Steele in Ed Wood (1994) [Buy it at Amazon.com] – This is what happens when one icon plays another. The wrestler known for gnawing on the turnbuckle pads got to chew major scenery as Tor Johnson. It’s amazing how George became Tor during the Plan 9 from Outer Space scenes. Shame George didn’t tour the country in a one man show based on Tor’s life like Hal Holbrook does with Mark Twain.
5. Goldberg in Santa’s Slay (2005) [Buy it at Amazon.com] – The opening minutes have become a Christmas viewing tradition in these parts. Goldberg is a homicidal St. Nick. His bag full of toys will be the last thing you want him to open. You’ll want to gather the kids around the TV to absorb the festive cheer as Santa Goldberg surprises Fran Drescher and Chris Kattan. Best holiday film since Bad Santa.
4. Roddy Piper in They Live (1988) [Buy it at Amazon.com] – Who better to say, “I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I’m all out of bubble gum” than the Hot Scot? Piper realizes that aliens are taking over our society with subliminal seduction. Before he can tackle the invaders, he battles for 5 minutes and 20 seconds with Keith David. It’s a massive fight worthy of his legendary matches with Ricky Steamboat. Piper’s also great in Hell Comes to Frogtown. We might have even nominated him for his bit part in Henry Winkler’s The One and Only. Hot Rod and the Fonz on the same screen is pure gold, but there’s no DVD release.
3. Jesse “The Body” Ventura in Predator (1987) [Buy it at Amazon.com] – “I ain’t got time to bleed” declared Ventura as he and Arnold Schwarzenegger battled a vicious alien. Even amongst the beefy thespian trio of Arnold, Carl Weathers and Bill Duke, The Body didn’t hide behind the foliage. He played it hard and rough in the Latin American jungle. His acting career took a backseat when he became the governor of Minnesota.
2. The Rock in Be Cool (2005) [Buy it at Amazon.com] – The follow up to Get Shorty was inferior in every way except one: The Rock (Dwayne Johnson). He’s a comic genius as a gay bodyguard who dreams of a career in country music. The scene where he checks out his own ass in a store mirror is funnier than a dozen David Spade movies in a blender. He doesn’t have to rely on his action skills to be cinematically entertaining. He elevates the film. He recently stood out in the supremely confusing Southland Tales. He might become the first pro wrestler to win an Oscar if he quits making The Game Plan and Walking Tall mindless level films.
1. Andre The Giant in The Princess Bride (1987) [Buy it at Amazon.com] – Inconceivable! The big guy stole the hearts of millions as Fezzik. Andre the Giant gave the perfect performance as the bad guy who comes around to the side of good in this fairy tale. Nowadays they have to use special effects to make actors the size of Andre. There’s no CGI to have him tower above the other actors. He probably has millions of fans from this movie that didn’t know he was a wrestler.
