For Your Consideration…TNAwful

Welcome to Week 70.

Another shorter week this week, which I wish I could blame on work, but in reality I’ve actually just been out celebrating my last week of freedom until my 3L year of law school starts next week. On the plus side, I get to go to Gainesville this weekend for one more romp up at the beautiful campus of the University of Florida. On the plus side for you, my loyal FYC reader, you get to read my Roundtable discussion for Summerslam in addition to this week’s column (and if you missed it, feel free to check out last week’s TNA Roundtable).

Since I’m sort of pressed for time, let me get down to business. My esteemed colleague Pulse Glazer threw down the gauntlet the other day and asked any of us fellow writers to sit through TNA Hard Justice. I actually planned on watching the show otherwise due to what can only be called a morbid curiosity, but being a man who enjoys picking up a good gauntlet (wait, is that a gauntlet or a Glenlivet?), I decided to clog my computer’s memory and download the broadcast. So, without further ado,

For Your Consideration…TNAwful

I have often been accused by message board posters and e-mailers that I am too overly harsh on TNA for no good reason. They say I make blanket accusations about the company without ever watching the product. That, my friends, just isn’t true. I have logged many hours watching TNA. My policy at one point was to DVR it and just fast forward through the crap. That policy got reduced to reading the spoilers and DVRing the show if anything caught my eye. Now? I pretty much rely on the occasional flip by on a Thursday night followed by our awesome Pulse staff that so graciously covers the show (and even has the skill to find 10 things they like about it!).

Well, being a man who likes a challenge, I sat down in front of my computer and decided to watch the show with an open mind. I know I don’t like TNA almost as much as I hated WCW, but even through the haze I was able to find some positive stuff that World Championship Wrasslin was able to produce. And to save you the trouble, I did find some things that were positive. In fact, there’s a lot that TNA could (read: COULD) do to make themselves a better show. The following is a series of nitpicking comments that struck me as both a wrestling commentator and a former television production major. Alright, enough stalling (mainly for my sanity), here we go:

Already in the opening segment I’m annoyed. The show opens with the old lame WCW gimmick of someone in the parking lot waiting for the big star to arrive, and sure enough there’s Sting. You’re selling this entire show around the idea that Sting is going to possibly show up and you’re giving it away in the opening moments. This move makes absolutely no sense considering that if the viewer is seeing this…THEY ALREADY PAID FOR THE SHOW! No on is going to see this, call their friend and then convince them order the PPV. Don’t give Sting away in the opening moments. And worst of all, don’t show Sting as a normal person. If he’s coming back as his Crow Sting (either heel or face), then he needs to reach almost Undertaker levels at all times. The Undertaker can’t one minute strike people with lightning and the next be shown leaving the arena on a Harley. And watching Sting as he no-sells questions and just walks into the building with gear (when he doesn’t even have a match) makes him look like a pissy little girl. This opening made no sense to me whatsoever and didn’t accomplish anything that TNA needs to from the Sting character.

Opening promo was a Law & Order rip-off. It was cute but for some reason looked really low rent in terms of quality. TNA may be a lot of things, but in the production end they have been very high end. This thing just had a certain feel to it that struck me more as an indie production and less of a top-flight television operation. But that’s a minor gripe. The other minor gripe is that it seemed like the headline of the show was Angle/Styles and not Booker/Joe. Now I know Booker/Joe is sort of the afterthought main event, but at least let them have top billing (unless Angle/Styles was going to close the show).

Consequences Creed versus Petey “Scott Steiner minus the injuries or fear of the foot falling off but still probably a little bit on the juice” Williams was the first match, with Williams defending his X-Division Title. I remember when Daniels/Joe/Styles was the hottest thing going and could easily main event the show. This match? A WCW-esque curtain jerker. Now I’ve never really gotten to see Consequences Creed before and I don’t know what the internet consensus is, but his Sports Entertainment gimmick could really get over. His obnoxious showboater who’s aping Apollo Creed should really be a no-brainer for this guy to play and could probably work really well as a cocky heel. But he’s not a heel, he’s a babyface. And a babyface working way too hard to get his shtick over. I could see at least four separate spots that he was doing simply to get them over with the fans. On the other hand, is self-promotion really that bad? Let the fans know who you are or else they’ll change the damn channel. With that said, Creed is not over. Don West was selling this kid to me as if he was the second coming of TNA when it was pretty clear that Petey Williams was drawing all of the face heat. Yes, this was in Jersey and therefore they are supposed to root for the heels, but last I checked it isn’t 1999. Those hardcore wrestling fans aren’t still around in the numbers that I heard on this show. Petey Williams was insanely over, which is bizarre as hell considering he’s doing a Steiner impersonation and Scotty couldn’t get over with a blimp. Petey, however, did something that really pissed me off. He didn’t try to get back his heel heat. If Petey is supposed to be a heel, then stay as a heel. This isn’t Hogan/Rock where you’re allowed to turn. Don’t play to the crowd. Don’t kill the face’s hope spot. Let the kid try to get the people back. Creed has some flashy (if not incredibly contrived) spots that could get the fans behind him, yet Williams didn’t do anything to make him look good. In short, Petey Williams went into business for himself when he should have stayed a heel. Maybe he was calling a spade a spade and decided to show TNA that this guy sucks, but Williams should have at least TRIED to make Creed look like the face. Oh, and Don West, you pathetic homer, don’t suddenly start backing Williams to placate the live crowd. They can’t hear you and it makes you sound like a frontrunning moron. Now, why was I so hard on Petey? It’s not that I don’t like him as a worker. He’s a decent to good guy who has one insane finishing move that’s more over than half the company. No, my issue was that Williams must have read the script at some point and realized that there would be a run-in by Daivari. In order for people to care about Daivari, they needed to first care about the guy he was going to jump. And that guy was Consequences Creed. You can’t make the man look like a chump and then expect the audience to want to see him not get attacked by the evil foreigner. TNA, accomplish your goals. If the point of this match was to make Creed look like a chump, then fine. If the point was for the fans to turn on him so he could go heel, then do it. But if you wanted him to look like the plucky underdog who could pull it off, then get cheated and ultimately jumped, you failed. Instead of seeing the hero of the X-Division and America getting attacked, I saw a guy who may as well have been Nunzio getting jumped. Myopic booking is fine and dandy if you’re happy to stay at a 1.0.

The Kevin Nash/Joe promo was pathetic. Look, first off there’s the odd homoerotic thing with Nash being shirtless for no reason. Dudes really shouldn’t be shirtless unless they need to. Second, Kevin’s constant deliver of “you can trust me” is borderline hilarious. I know we could fill a thousand books with all of the dumb things said in promos, but who the hell keeps needing to hear “you can trust me” unless you’re dating a gal who happens to be a giant whore. Lastly, Booker is such an afterthought that it’s embarrassing. Don’t sell me Booker/Joe when the match is really Booker/Joe/Sting-ference. It makes me question why I just spent thirty bucks. Reassure me that I made a wise financial investment. Oh, and as a sidenote, JBL accomplished more with one throwaway comment about Punk’s indie days than Joe and Booker have with their constant mention of Samoa Joe’s past. Just saying, when I can put JBL over, you know I’m pissed. Joe needs to talk less and kick ass more. He always seems to sound whiney, and when you’re supposed to be a badass, whiney doesn’t work. The only guy that ever pulled it off was evil Canadian heel Bret Hart, and the key there was that he was a HEEL. Joe, keep your mouth shut and just kick some ass already, okay?

Traci Brooks is the Knockout ref? Frankly she should be with Beer Money and let Jackie do the reffing nonsense because Brooks is pretty good at getting guys over. A small production gaffe that irked the hell out of me was that the camera cut to the empty entrance ramp during Awesome Kong’s ring walk and it stayed up there for like 15 seconds. That’s WAY too long. It doesn’t take that much to cut to another of the 8 cameras shooting, guys in the truck! Come on. During her entrance, West and Tenay were talking about how Wilde pulled off the upset of the century to beat Kong. That’s all well and good, but…show a replay! Just b-roll some footage for those of us who might have missed it. Even if we saw it already, it’s an impressive visual. The ODB comedy nonsense in the beginning with the “beautiful” people (who still look like washed out porn stars that belong on WEW) was unnecessary if we’re selling this as a legit women’s division. Let the WWE stick with that crap and wow us with wrestling. The match itself was okay but I’m not a huge women’s wrestling fan so I was mainly bored. One last thing, Wilde botched the roll-up, which seems to be her only move. When you champ is that green, it makes the entire division look bad. Have Kong pull an Umaga and steamroll her like he did Santino. You have a lot of capable chicks, let them continue to build the belt.

Beer Money Inc v. LAX. Useless pyro for Beer Money Inc. WWE was always guilty of just throwing pyro on people for no reason, and giving these guys pyro is the definition of useless. In fact, I love the James Storm byte they use to open their entrance video. It was the first time all night that I knew who was actually coming out. TNA uses a lot of generic entrance music, and that alone set them apart. I liked the LAX rap opening. Live rapping to the ring for some reason just works in wrestling. I liked it when the Nation of Domination used to do it for that short amount of time. Oh, and seeing Shelly Martinez in a sombrero just looked ridiculous and borderline (get it) offensive. She plays such a good goth chick, why not stick her with Abyss? LAX really didn’t need T&A in the first place. Speaking of LAX, Why break up money? LAX is one of the few homegrown gimmicks that got over and sells t-shirts, and like it or hate it, selling t-shirts is a major part of this business. LAX can move merchandise, they work well together and they hold up your tag division. Keep them together. Look at Cryme Time, same basic gimmick and any minute they are going to completely explode. Hell, hook Joe up with LAX and rake in the money. During the match, TNA made a major mistake by having Beer Money Inc take off Homicide’s shirt. Don’t show us Homicide’s gut. It does not give him any street cred to have a pot belly. Speaking of looks, please fix Robert Roode’s hair! For years there have been jokes about guys not getting over because of their hair, but in the case of this afro-sheen look straight out of “Coming to America”, it just makes the guy look dated and rednecky. West, please stop calling moves by their WWE names. Backstabber?! Really? It makes you guys look second tier. You would never hear the WWE call something a Muscle Buster, would you? I will 100% admit that the Border Toss looked cool as hell, but TNA found a way to screw that up too. Homicide and Hernandez set the damn thing up beautifully by Cide slapping the hell out of his partner. No one knew why. Then, when he picked him up for the Border Toss, it looked like LAX was going to split. Was this a sly tip of the hat to the ‘Net rumors? No, because Don West gave away the plot instantaneously. “Well, he’s slapping him to get him to do the Border Toss!” Tenay tried so hard to sell it as a potential turn, but West just cut him off at the knees. Come on guys, read the damn programming sheet in front of you. One last little thing was that Hector broke up a catfight between Shelly and Jackie. Why? Jackie was trying to interfere and Shelly stopped her. Wouldn’t you want that to happen? Plus…catfights. Yay. I can’t gripe about Beer Money Inc going over because I picked it in the Roundtable, but if TNA breaks up LAX then it’s time to pack it in.

Nash and Sting promo made me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Are they really going to do a WCW Veterans versus TNA Upstarts feud? Lastly, and this goes back to the whole keeping the mystery, don’t call Sting Steve. Please.

Wedding match. It was a tuxedo match. Not since Cornette/Finkel have I been so horrified. Everyone ripped this thing to shreds, so I’ll say something positive. For being put in a crappy position, Dutt sold the hell out of this thing. He kept in the evil character the whole match and tried his hardest to get this wrestlecrap over. Oh, and one question for the ref, “Why can’t you use a chain in a chain match?” Val was horrified and the ref was trying to break it up, but I though this was a chain match? Bah. This thing just isn’t over. My hope is that they turn Lethal into crazy Savage, which could be entertaining as hell.

Booker’s promo. Booker should make this about Booker, not about Sting. You’re a veteran man, put yourself over. You’re the main story, not Sting. And to those of you who ripped Hunter, let me just officially say that Sting is now Poochie.

Christian/Rhyno versus The Dudleys. Christian is too good of a heel to be used here, TNA. He is an amazing upper card heel who can work the stick and work in the ring and using him in this match is a waste of his talent. With that said, this felt like any other garbage match I’ve seen. No insane spots, no great bumps, nothing. A dull hardcore match with people who know how to work better. Man, they are bored. Abyss run-in? Ok, we get it. Do something with him already. Do something with any of them at this point (including cutting the Dudleys from the roster).

AJ Promo mentioned…Sting! This is ridiculous. Your entire upper card is in a tizzy about a forty-something guy who isn’t even scheduled to wrestle on this show. Insane, especially since this is supposed to be the AJ/Kurt blow-off match.

The match itself was good (and the best on this show by far), but it had the exact problems that I said it would in the Roundtable. There were a lot of restholds and a lot of fake counts that dragged this down. I will concur that the Angle summersault was suicidal and something that he either needs to never do again or do every week. As I watched Kurt work, all I could see was this frustration and sadness in him. He tried so hard to strap this company to his back and now we’re getting just there matches from him. If TNA would have taken the restrictor plate off and let these two work without any gimmicks (maybe even in the main event), this would have been even better. As it was, it was a match with three or four sick bumps followed by competent wrestling from two of the world’s best. And look who showed up…Sting. So Sting attacked Styles to help Kurt, he’s attacked Joe to help Booker, he’s talking to Nash and the Dudleys. I’m telling you, expect the young guys versus veterans nonsense.

Joe/Booker could have main evented any Smackdown in the past year and you wouldn’t remember it. As it was, this match was passable to dull and will only be remembered for the use of guitar, which automatically means Jarrett is back. We spend three hours hyping Sting only to end by hyping Jarrett. Notice how neither of those names I just said was Samoa Joe, your would champion.

Here’s what I got out of this show, that Sting is the focal point of the company and that any action he takes dictates the brand. Joe is worried about Sting. Booker is talking about Sting. Styles is talking about Sting. The Dudleys are focused on Sting. Nash is focused on Sting. Your company is revolving around a man who hasn’t popped the ratings at all, has run several nostalgia pushes that have gone nowhere and is getting ready to retire.

Revolve around someone else, TNA, and I don’t mean Planet Jarrett.

This has been for your consideration.

Agree? Disagree? Awheeler316@yahoo.com