An article over at the AV Club really made me think about DVD’s status as of late, particularly how it’s become the dumping ground for all the crap on TV that no one watched the first time. With that in mind, it brings me to three releases sent to me by the studios which I don’t think anyone was clamoring for. Basically, three DVD releases so dull that I couldn’t even bring myself to give each one a full review because I just couldn’t find 600 words about each one without padding it with inane chatter like this very paragraph. However, as I watched them, my ennui gave way to annoyance, because I discovered that each of these lackluster releases had something far more irritating in common…
First up, Fastlane: The Complete Series. You know this one is EXTREME because the title isn’t capitalized. Capital letters are for SQUARES, man. Anyway, this is a show that aired on Fox in 2002 for one season and then promptly got cancelled like everything on that network. Although in this case they were somewhat justified by the financial end of it, as Hollywood A-list action movie director McG put together a pilot that cost upwards of $30 million (!!!) and that’s not even taking stuff like music rights into account. Subsequent episodes were cheaper, but how exactly were they planning to make that money back? The plot of the show, such as it is, follows a pair of hip and trendy, racially diverse, undercover cops as they drive cool cars and screw hot chicks while using stolen goods as their "bling" to bring down crime on the mean streets, man. And if you’re thinking that sounds a lot like Miami Vice, then you’re probably way ahead of the show already. They lost me as soon as Tiffany Thiessen was introduced as the tough-as-nails police liaison who runs the outfit. COME ON! I will say this: There’s some super-cool cars and fun stunt work here. McG puts every penny onto the screen, and that’s kind of the problem. Every shot feels like it’s half a second long, cameras are circling around the action all the time, slow motion bullets are everywhere, and it’s basically like every other Matrix-influenced rip-off from around that time when everyone seemingly saw Hong Kong action movies at the same time and decided to bring everything ever made by John Woo into America. I could even tolerate the incredibly derivative nature of this thing because of all the cool cars and hot chicks, but what sinks the ship and reduces this from "fun" to "mediocre" is the god-awful presentation by Warner. If you actually watched the show when it aired, you would have noticed it was presented in beautiful 16×9 widescreen and 5.1 Dolby surround. The DVD, on the other hand, is presented in CROPPED full-screen format and plain stereo. And the box has the audacity to declare that the DVD is "formatted to preserve the original format of its television exhibition". I know it’s a stock disclaimer on Warner releases, but when you’re chopping off information from the sides of the program in an age where anyone who cares enough about this show to actually buy it owns an HDTV…well, that’s just inexcusable contempt for your customers. Moreover, the actually video quality is, in a word, hideous, as the film is grainy beyond belief and colors are so overblown that when people bleed on the show, it’s like that purple Klingon blood in Star Trek VI and makes the already-fake special effects look, well, faker. BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! As if the horrible video and audio presentation wasn’t already like flaming diarrhea after a meal at Taco Bell, the soundtrack is like you run into their bathroom and have to crap on a toilet that’s missing the seat. Let me explain: To further enhance the cool factor of the show, the producers used a top-drawer lineup of pop and rock music, from Phil Collins to Snoop Dogg, to set the mood and tone of the show. That music costs money and this DVD has no money behind it, so ALL of the music is cut and replaced with generic synth music like in a bad Cinemax porno. EVERYTHING is cut, including the THEME SONG. That’s right, they wouldn’t even pay out the rights to their own THEME SONG. This is summed up with another typically trite disclaimed on the back of the box: "Some music differs from the original televised version." At this point you can hardly even call it the same show. They should just put six copies of The Fast & The Furious into the box, because it would probably be cheaper for them and more satisfying for the viewer. Avoid this release at all costs. (Ratings: ** for the show, ** for the video, ** for the audio, ** for the extras, for a clean sweep at ** total.)
And then we have a different type of mediocrity, the harmless 90s sitcom type. Two such examples arrived in my mailbox in the form of Caroline In The City and Dave’s World, and both were just as dull as I remembered. Caroline was yet another attempt to find a show they could pair with Seinfeld and Friends during the glory years, and although it was nestled in the protective ratings bosom of both shows enough to bring it to the top ten on Thursday nights, it was never a show with any legs and died once it got moved from there. Not to mention it was yet another of the "vehicle for an ’80s star as a sassy woman trying to make it on her own in the big city" alongside Veronica’s Closet and Suddenly Susan. That being said, I always liked the show and watched it for the same reason most of America did: It was on after the shows I actually tuned in for, and Lea Thompson is the hotness. However, did anyone in the world actually buy super-gay Malcolm Gets as straight enough to have chemistry with her? The show was never about "smart" humor or "funny" humor or anything like that, it was about safe humor and sitcom archetypes (Slutty best friend? Check. Self-absorbed pretty boy? Check. Wacky parents? Check.) and that was generally OK because the scathingly sarcastic artist Richard saved most of the shows with his deadpan reading of otherwise dull lines. He’s still getting a handle on the character in the pilot, but by the end of the first season he was deeply entrenched in the mind of the character and is one of the few bright spots on this otherwise-dull sitcom. The plot of the show, such as it is, focuses on the continuing efforts of cartoonist Caroline Duffy to meddle in the lives of everyone and find a man, which eventually reduces the show to a love triangle between her, Richard and ex-boyfriend Del. She has ZERO chemistry with either guy, but since the show was written for a primarily female audience she chooses one of them…eventually…and there’s the problem. While the triangle was interesting for one season, they dragged it out far too long and threw far too many twists into the works, until the fourth season joining of Richard and Caroline was in a dead timeslot with the network already prepping the show for cancellation. But I mean, there’s worse things than Caroline In The City to watch if you happen to have absolutely no other DVDs in your collection or you’re being forced at gunpoint or something. No, what REALLY bugs is that these are the EDITED versions of the show, which is weird because I didn’t even think it aired long enough to sell into syndication. So yeah, much like Roseanne and The Cosby Show before it, the studio screws the paying customer yet again by presenting a product that is not as advertised. To be fair, you can hardly notice the differences unless you’re a devout fan, I’m sure, but that’s not the point. My gripe isn’t ev
en with the editing, it’s with the video quality, which looks like crap thanks to what is essentially a second-generation version of the show. The picture is fuzzy and blocky and looks like what you get on TBS, not DVD. Audio is hardly better, but it’s a relatively low-rated sitcom so it’s like Friends where they’re gonna bother sinking more than $5 into remastering it anyway. There’s one extra on the set — the commercial for each episode that aired on NBC. (Ratings: **1/2 for the show, ** for the video, ** for the audio, * for the extras, for another ** average)
And finally that brings us to Dave’s World, which was one of those pleasant ’90s sitcoms that took absolutely no risks and was pretty OK for a few seasons, at which point it was cancelled and no one really cared. Based (somewhat) on the life of humorist Dave Barry, the show is basically a vehicle for former Night Court star Harry Anderson as he learns the usual lessons about growing older and having kids and such. I always thought it was a little skeevy to present the show as a translation of Barry’s writing when it really had nothing to do with the style of his columns and didn’t capture the everyday humor Dave presented (the column is more like a Seinfeld-type humor whereas the show is all big setup and wacky payoff), but out of the three this is the one I had the most fun watching because Harry Anderson and the rest of the cast (Shadoe Stevens and Patrick Warburton! Score!) are so laid-back and pleasant that you can’t help but enjoy them. There’s no home runs but there’s no strikeouts either and everyone is just so darn likeable. And of course, they EDITED OUT THE THEME SONG. Now, this one really irritates me, because the show originally used a cover version of Billy Joel’s "You May Be Right", done by Southside Johnny to save money, and even THAT has been replaced by a generic guitar piece. Along with any other incidental piece of music that might cost the producers some money. And people wonder why the writers went on strike over DVD rights? And again, these are the syndicated edits with fuzzy video and bad color, not the original broadcast episodes, so it’s double-screwed if you’re the customer. Oh, and there’s absolutely no extras to be found here, so it’s triple-screwed. However, this show is still pretty funny in a totally inoffensive way (think Everybody Loves Raymond, a show I hate oddly enough) and worth picking up if you find it cheap. Which should be in about two weeks. (Ratings: ***1/2 for the show, ** for the video, ** for the audio, zero stars for the extras, for an average of about ***).
The Winner: Dave’s World. But they all pretty much suck.
