The View From Down Here #1

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Well, the Olympics are over. At least, from an Australian viewpoint they are. We’re not going to win anything else, so as far as our media is concerned, that’s it, pack up the barbie, throw the six-pack in the boot, time to go back to our real jobs. And let’s not think about them again for another four years.

But that is entirely the wrong attitude to be taking. After all, we have learnt so much from the 2008 Beijing Olympics. And, as a proud Australian, I feel I should share exactly what we have learnt.

(1) China is a hell of a lot more like us than we’d care to admit.
Yep, the Chinese are like us. Sure, their government is totalitarian and they hammer dissidence like they spew pollution into the air. Just like the religious right here in Australia, in the US, and just about everywhere else. But they wanted to be seen as the best, so they staged an awesome looking Games. They felt it when their champion athletes fell short of expectation and went wild when some unsung hero emerged from the pack. Yep, they’re just like us. Or maybe we’re just like them…

(2) Horse-dancing sucks.
Look, I know it has a proper name. I don’t care what it is. It’s making horses dance. It’s not sport; it’s a freak show. If I wanted to see that I’d go to some Russian circus where bears still perform with rings through their noses and camels dive into vats of sour cream for our viewing pleasure.

(3) Australia does not matter.
This is kind of hard to admit, but it’s true. Once every four years we win more than our proportion of Olympic medals. Our population equals roughly that of Mexico City, yet we finish in the top ten of the medal count most years. That’s cool. But what about those other three years? Do we matter? No. Not one iota. And so we live and die on the Olympic Games because it is the only thing we can do on the world stage with some semblance of distinction. Our country more than most lives and dies by its sporting achievements. And that really does show how little we matter.

(4) Just because something requires skill, stamina and remarkable athleticism does not mean it is good TV.
Look, I am the first to admit that being able to run 42 kilometres in 30 degree (Celsius) heat is amazing. Or to swim 10km in the sea. Or to ride a push-bike 50 km. All in less than 2 hours. Or to do all three and call it a triathlon. Wow. But, please, we don’t need to see the WHOLE race! It’s dull! Show us some grass growing or paint drying or politicians debating because just as little happens. And don’t even get me started on the travesty that is golf…

(5) Americans are bad winners and worse losers.
Oh, and by Americans, I mean those from the USA. In general. Everyone knows when an American has won. The whooping, self-congratulation and posturing can last for a few weeks. And, sure, other countries are guilty as well, but (apart from the odd squealing Australian swimmer or gold shoe wearing Jamaican runner) they tend to calm down after a few moments. And if an American should lose? Well, gymnastic coaches and fathers firing off death threats to Australian judges is always such a good look. Refusing to shake hands and look at their conquerors, another good look. In psych at university we were told that it is a sign of lack of confidence, but I think it’s just being a dick.

(6) Commercial considerations are the most important things in all of sport.
Hey, bugger the health and well-being of the athletes, screw the traditional way things are done, a TV network wants something done, and so everything is changed at their whim in order to maximise ratings and hence profits. It started at the 1984 LA games when the men’s marathon was run to coincide with peak viewing… and peak pollution, heat and humidity. And it’s continued with morning swimming finals, cramped schedules and sponsors logos on every available surface.

(7) Child abuse is perfectly acceptable if it is done in a sporting contest.
Just watch the friendless gymnasts who have not been allowed to have a childhood to see what I mean. How many hours a week do they train? What age do they start? If this was factory work, we’d be screaming… or at least trying to boycott Nike products. But it’s sport and a few medals were won by a tiny percentage of those who have tried and failed to reach this level. And what are you left with? Bitter adults who never had a childhood and are unable to function in the real world. But that’s okay, because we won a gold on the beam because our gymnast did a full-twisting Korbut better than theirs.

(8) Apparently some other countries have been at the Olympics.
Now, this is taken from my perspective, but talking to friends in other countries online it seems universal. You see, despite what the local media is saying, I have been led to believe that some other countries may be involved at the Olympics. I mean, how many times do we have to see the Australian men’s rowing 8 come 6th? I don’t know who won. Did anyone win? Who cares, they’re not Australian!

(9) Ex-athletes should not be put anywhere near a microphone.
Ever.

In fact, they should not go within a light year of any recording device. Comments like, “They did good,” repeated ad nauseam just make me add nausea. Such pearls of wisdom as, “When I raced in 1988, it was a much larger field,” or, “She looked uncomfortable,” or, “She won,” add such a huge amount to a race. And if you have to, at least teach them how to speak first. And preferably in the language of the country they are going to be broadcasting to. In my case, English would good. Save dumbarse for the pub or for the after-parties they keep waffling on about. Better still, don’t. Learn to speak. Learn… learn anything. There’s a reason why jocks are considered stupid. It’s because they are.

(10) Cheating is legal.
Oh yes, big one these Games. FINA allowed a swimsuit that breaks their own rule (10.6, for those who want to check for later) because of commercial contracts. Don’t believe me? Look at the scientific studies… oh, but you can’t. This same company advertises in all the journals, and we don’t want to bite the hand that supports us. So the studies remain unpublished, and the cheating remains legal. And former drug cheats allowed to compete after such a harsh 18 month ban. And, do you know what? During the ban time, they aren’t drug tested! That’s right. So, so long as they stop around 4 months before their ban is lifted, they can keep juicing to their heart’s content… or heart collapse, whatever comes first.

(11) Sydney was 8 years ago, Australia.
Get over it.

And that’s what I’ve learnt. But come 2012, I’ll be there, glued to the TV, watching our over-hyped athletes perform yet again in London, still whingeing and bitching… and yet unable to be moved off the couch without a spatula.

Australian. Perpetual student. Married. Kids. Write for Sports and Wrestling and anyone else if they want me. Is there anything else?