– I am NOT doing RAW rants again. In fact, my trial subscription to The Score HD expires this week, so I won’t even be able to watch the show after this. I’m just going to be a guest on Fight Network Radio tomorrow night and the discussion will center on RAW, so I figured I might as well watch it tonight.
– For those who haven’t seen yet, since I haven’t done a RAW rant in forever, you can now purchase my entire rant archive from 1993-2008 by checking out this link.
– Live from Wilkes-Barre, PA.
– Your hosts are Good Ol’ King Cole.
JBL v. CM Punk
This would be non-title, I guess. Cole notes that the rules for the upcoming scramble matches are “simple”, and then demonstrates that by explaining a laundry list of rules, with King adding that you can access the rest of them by going to WWE.com. Yeah, that’s simple, all right. Are they letting the lawyers book the show or something? Actually, given Jerry McDevitt’s brutal record in losing seemingly every major case, that would be an stupider idea than the Scramble matches. And that’s saying something. JBL misses an elbow and “martial arts expert” Punk kicks him down for two. In a world with multiple MMA promotions, does anyone REALLY buy Punk as an expert? JBL comes back with a big boot and tries to work the arm, but Punk puts him down with kicks again for two. A high kick puts JBL on the floor and Punk follows with a suicide dive, then back in for a high cross that gets two. JBL tosses him and Punk skins the cat back in, but JBL turns around with a big boot to put Punk on the floor again, and we take a break. Back with JBL getting two off a backbreaker, and a suplex gets two. He goes to an abdominal stretch and into a rollup for two. Clothesline and elbow get two. Bradshaw goes old school with a torture rack to work on the ribs (doing it even shittier than Lex Luger, yeah, but maybe that’s part of the authenticity), and then slams Punk for two. They head up and JBL slugs him to set up a superplex attempt, but gets DDT’d as a result. That gets two, and Punk makes the comeback and slugs away on JBL, setting up a springboard clothesline for two. High knee in the corner and he sets up for the GTS, but Bradshaw fires back with the Clothesline from New York for two. JBL gets frustrated and grabs a chair, but the ref steals it away and JBL Goes to Sleep at 12:50. Fans at ringside are so excited they mess up their big letters and spell it “CM PNUK”. Now that’s star power. Anyway, these guys have some crazy chemistry together, and another surprisingly hot match resulted. ***1/4
Mike Adamle announces that John Cena has suffered a herniated disc as a result of his match against Batista (drawing a big pop — ouch!) and is out of the Scramble match, so we’ll get a replacement by the end of the show.
Meanwhile, Kane still doesn’t really have any good reason for murdering Rey Mysterio, but he sure sounds creepy talking about it.
Meanwhile, Primo Colon is nothing like his brother and tells Mike Adamle so. Well, with a name like Primo Colon, at least you know he’ll smell good. Shawn Michaels butts in, and he’s all stoic and angsty. That’s a tough combination to pull off.
Kelly Kelly v. Beth Phoenix
This is also non-title. Kelly grabs a headlock to start, but Beth powers her into the corner, but Kelly goes to work on the arm and gets a cradle for two. Beth bowls her over again and chokes away on the mat, as Beth has apparently suffered a broken nose and is bleeding all the fuck over the place. Kelly comes back with a rollup for two as a replay shows Kelly accidentally potatoed her on a kick to the face, and Kelly flips around like RVD and rolls Beth up for the upset pin at 2:33 after Santino’s assistance backfires. Kelly’s pretty bad, but she tries hard. Anyway, the red streaks in Beth’s hair matching up with the color of the blood? Awesome. The meltdown of Glamarella? Not so awesome. 1/2* If a fake Italian with a unibrow and his muscle-bound girlfriend can’t make it in this crazy mixed up world, what hope do any of us have?
A commercial for WWE 24/7 hypes the Curt Hennig v. Bret Hart classic from Maple Leaf Gardens currently available. I of course am probably the biggest shill for that channel, including those that work for the company, and also would like to recommend that match. Full rant available here, in fact.
“Charlito” Haas v. Primo Colon
Ah, that wacky Charlie. So is this just a random shot at Carlito or is coming back to RAW to feud with his brother? I hate when I need a scorecard to keep track of Vince’s ribs. Haas takes Colon down with a kneelift and knee to the head for two. He goes to the chinlock and tries the apple spit, but Colon comes back with a rana and a monkey flip, but misses a blind charge. Haas tries a backstabber, but Colon blocks and finishes with a high cross at 2:42. He’s truly nothing like his brother — his brother was a pretty interesting worker with a lot of potential and a unique look. 1/2*
Shawn Michaels joins us for an interview, apparently having lost his smile. Whysper is hurt, but she’s tough and she’ll pull through. So why didn’t he retire at Summerslam? Because he’s earned the right to say goodbye one last time. But then Jericho punched his wife in the face and he changed his mind. Jericho interrupts on the video screen and lets us know that if they gave him the match with Shawn, the results would be so bad that legal troubles would result. Shawn retorts that if he got to do what he wanted, he’d go to jail, but he’s willing to sign away all liabilities if he can get Jericho in the ring. Jericho accepts, but thinks Shawn should avoid having his wife and children watching. This feud is just so totally unlike anything else on the show, filled with real hatred and blood and guts on a show full of silly skits and complicated Scramble matches.
Ted Dibiase & Cody Rhodes v. Jerry Lawler & Hacksaw Duggan
More non-title goodness. I was wondering when they were going to blow this program off. Although usually they wait for Memphis to do Jerry’s annual wrestling appearance. I think Dibiase needs some facial hair because he looks too much like Randy Orton as it is. He backdrops Lawler to start, but gets backdropped in return. King slugs him down, but Cody comes in and hits the chinlock. Cody switches to an armbar to cheats to maintain it, then gets a suplex. Lawler pulls down the strap and makes his own comeback, but walks into a sleeper from Dibiase. Hot tag to Duggan and he slams Dibiase to set up the three point clothesline for two. Dibiase catches him with the Million Dollar legsweep, however, and finishes at 3:51. Well that whole thing went nowhere. * So back to the Cryme Tyme feud, as JTG and Shad are up in the luxury boxes with the tag belts, demanding a title shot. The dynamics are kind of messed up here, as normally the heels are supposed to steal the belts to set up the babyfaces winning them back to get vengeance.
Meanwhile, Batista has nothing but respect for John Cena and hopes he comes back all right. Knowing Cena, he’ll be back in two weeks. And tonight, his match with Kane is PERSONAL. Oh man, just like Jaws 3.
Intercontinental title: Santino Marella v. Kofi Kingston
My wife notes that Kofi looks like Miss Jay from America’s Next Top Model. Kofi goes after the arm, but Santino grabs a headlock and overpowers him. Kofi comes back with a leg lariat for two and goes back to the arm, and monkey flips him into the corner before slugging him down with a forearm for two. Michael Cole’s continued attempts to get “controlled frenzy” over as a catchphrase are noble but annoying. Santino comes back with the abdominal stretch, but Kofi hiptosses out and puts him down with a forearm, then chops him off the middle rope and into a legsweep. Legdrop and Santino bails to regroup, but Beth joins us to continue the argument from earlier. Back in, she trips Kofi up and Santino gets the hella-weak pin at 3:25. Replay shows that Kofi landed on Santino’s knee, which is less weak, but that’s a rare miss from the camera crew, who are normally on target with those shots. And after that triumph, Glamarella is back again! Whew.
Did You Know? For a second straight week, more people watched RAW than Monday Night Football? And more people also watched the Olympics than RAW or football, so I’m kind of at a loss as to what their point is. If they keep doing these spots once the season has actually started, I’ll be more impressed.
Meanwhile, noted political pundits Josh Matthews and Candice Michelle put over the WWE Universe catchphrase and talk up their 18-34 demographic. Aren’t they supposed to be marketing to non-voting age kids now? And on the subject of the “WWE Universe” crap, I kind of hope that Time-Warner sues their asses off for the similarity to “DC Universe”, because there would be some poetic justice there.
Mike Adamle returns to name Rey Mysterio as the replacement for John Cena at Unforgiven. Man, if he really is dead, they’re gonna have a hell of a time carrying him. Maybe it’ll be like Weekend at Bernie’s with WWE ring crew out there holding him up for spots and tossing him around the ring. They can hit him in the crotch a bunch of times for laughs, too! It’ll make MILLIONS.
Batista v. Kane
Lawler clarifies that Rey is alive, but his spirit is dead. So now he’s ready to join the writing team. But really, is Kane a certified spiritual doctor? I’d like to see a second medical opinion on Rey’s supposed dead spirit before I take that amateur diagnosis seriously. I knew a guy who was diagnosed with a “dead spirit” by a clinic doctor, and it turned out that he was just bummed about the crappy last episode of Seinfeld. I think they have to do a “spirit smear” or something to really get an accurate picture of the state of the spirit. Maybe he should see Dr. James Andrews, although Andrews would probably recommend taping up the spirit and working through it. And what if it’s his SOUL that’s dead, but his spirit is fine? Then he’ll be all happy, but he’ll end up going to hell. It’s really a tricky area of science. Kane takes Batista down and works a hammerlock, but Batista pounds on the arm in the corner and slugs away. Batista quickly tries the demon bomb, but Kane escapes, so Batista clotheslines him to the floor. Kane is OUT OF CONTROL and we take a break. Back with him working an OUT OF CONTROL chinlock, but Batista fights up and boots him down. Kane dropkicks the knee (which I hope was intentional and not just a really shitty dropkick) and he starts working on the leg. And that goes on for a lot longer than you’d like. Dave slugs back like he’s fighting for Rey’s spirit, but Kane goes back to the leg and slows it right the fuck down again. Cole notes that Kane seems to be enjoying this. He’s likely the only one right now. Dave reverses to a cross armbreaker, but Kane hits him in the knee again, so Batista unleashes a clothesline on him. He comes back with a slam, but amazingly that doesn’t finish Kane. Kane misses a blind charge and Dave clotheslines him, but walks into a chokeslam attempt. He counters that with a spinebuster, but Kane hits him in the knee again. You have to give him points for tenacity there. And he hits the knee with a chair for the DQ at 15:50. I sat through 15 minutes of that boring shit for a DQ finish? I’m glad I’m cancelling this channel at the end of the trial period. *1/2
The Pulse:
Well, I’ve seen worse. I’ll give them that.
Back to 24/7…
