Let me break down the summer of a typical America’s Next Top Model fanatic for you. Every Wednesday of the three arduous months following the finale of the spring cycle are spent huddled in a corner with nothing to do, like a crazy person who’s lost without feeling the warm embrace of a lover that’s taken a three-month vacation without them.
Tonight served as much-needed salvation for Top Model-heads when Tyra Banks’ bubble-gum, faux high-fashion, bitchy, kitschy, fabulous reality show returned to the small screen to provide obsessed fans with more girls to drool over, fight over, and root for.
The episode began in typical Tyra fashion – ridiculous and over the top. Don’t get me wrong, I love Tyra with all my heart, but there’s always that side of every Tyra fan that just wants to slap girlfriend upside the head for providing unintentionally funny moments to quote and inside-jokify with your friends. Take for example the futuristic “model compound” that is supposed to turn the 30 finalists into high-fashion supermodels. Come on, Tyra. You seriously can’t still believe your show has any chance at making anyone a supermodel, do you? That may have been the case with Cycle 1 back in 2003, but the show has transformed into a showcase of fake body parts, fake personalities, and real bitchiness.
Anyway, the 30 finalists made their way into the compound and slipped into slinky techno-fabulous tracksuits and were evaluated by Tyra, Ms. Ja-erm, “Alpha J”, “Beta J”, and “Tyrabot” (yes, you read that correctly, “Tyrabot”), who then narrowed down the group of 30 to 20 before selecting the final 14 girls, a number the show seems to have recently re-adopted last cycle for the first time in two years.
The selection process of the 20 remaining girls went as usual, and by that I mean that a few girls with clear modeling potential were passed over in favor of girls with interesting sob stories such as Analeigh (the girl who was fooled into selling herself to a Saudi-Arabian prince) and Joslyn (an unemployed, unmodelesque girl who tried out for the show a whopping 30 times already).
The 20 guinea pigs were then taken to their first photoshoot, which involved figure-hugging wetsuits, neon lights, and oversized excersize balls that the girls rolled around on and…played with. Draw your own conclusions.
As equally-embarrassing as the model compound, Tyra pretending to be a robot, and Mr. Jay’s anime-inspired pubic mound of a haircut, the final cut was made, deciding the final 14 girls to move into the house by way of high-tech computer.
Now, let’s move on to the girls themselves. Joining the 120+ Top Model alumni are some truly high fashion models with amazing potential, and in typical Top Model fashion, some girls who have no right to stand within 30 feet of a runway. To stroke my own ego, I’ll give my accredited (I can dream, can’t I?) opinion of this season’s modelettes.
Marjorie is by far the most stunning and high-fashion girl of the cycle. She’s an amazingly awkward Euro-queen from Marseilles, France, whose funky way of speaking and quirky mannerisms ground her to the point where the fashion industry would eat her up. She’s a stunning and edgy girl whose modeling potential surpasses any other this season. Watch out girls, because Agyness Deyn secretly entered the competition under the name Marjorie.
The other standout of the season is clearly Sheena, only the third Asian girl to be featured on the show, and it looks like she’s here to stay. With a very Kimora-esque look with a tad more edge (sorry, Kimora! I still love you!), Sheena is shaping up to combine the super edgy looks of past contestant April (Cycle 2) with a barrage of confidence rivaling Cycle 6’s Jade (minus the unintentionally-hilarious musings/poetic mishaps/made-up words that I loved so much about my precious Jade).
Also watch out for Isis to do well in the competition, and not because of her modeling ability. Don’t get me wrong, I’m the most liberal, accepting, tolerant (I hate using that term because it makes it sound like there’s something to “put up” with) person in the world, and I’m all about Isis’ pre-op transsexuality (what, you haven’t heard yet? Get with the program, this has been news for weeks), but the girl is simply not a model. Yeah, she’s inspiring to watch and all, but is that the only reason she’s on the show? Us Tyra fanatics know that Baby Ty-Ty is all about transforming herself into Oprah by taking on humanitarian topics on The Tyra Banks Show, but is that really grounds for putting a contestant on the show?
I mean Isis supposedly took part in the homeless shoot last season and Tyra took note, “not knowing” Isis had a “secret”. Give me a break. Tyra, je t’aime, but please stop force-feeding us the sob stories like you force-fed us the past two winners of the show (the hand-picked-from-the-beginning Saleisha and the “I only won because I’m plus-sized” Whitney).
Oh, and speaking of unmodelesque girls, how about that damn ShaRaun? What an ignorant twat! Trying to defame Isis during her own photoshoot. Give me a break. Let’s see your Bre-esque, pedestrian-looking, not-model-at-all ass say some *beep* to Isis after this week! Oh wait…(more on why she won’t be able to later).
Anyway, back to the girls. McKey, Lauren Brie, and Elina (the token lesbian! Yes!!!!) are all shaping up to be amazing on film, but something tells me neither Lauren Brie nor Elina will be making it overseas. Lauren Brie has the face of a real model, but her “edit” on the show so far has been pretty much nonexistent, which isn’t a good sign (I’m predicting she’s gone within two weeks), and I can sense an early, unjust Claire-esque (C10) departure for Elina as well. Shame.
The rest of the girls are just plain fug, and if they’re not that, they’re filler. Joslyn has no place in a modeling competition, seeing as she looks nothing like a model, as is the case with Nikeysha (Saleisha, anyone?), the Milla Jovovich-esque Hannah (a bit of a conundrum, huh?), Samantha, Analeigh, and Brittany. Actually, I’m still unsure about Brittany. I’m glad another girl with Indian descent has made it through to the finals (I miss my Anchal so much), but her look may take some time to grow on me.
And what about Clark, you say? Well I say that I’m not going to comment on that conservative, ignorant, big-nosed imbecile any more than I have to in fear of breaking something. Seriously, anyone who can make such ignorant comments towards Isis regarding transsexuality deserves someone totally *beep*-ing up her bed, Monique (C7)-style. I mean seriously. Rip that bitch a new one. Go on, come back to the show and tell her you are a princess of the throne, Monique, and rip her to shreds.
Anyway, the second part of the two-hour premiere (which I watched uninterrupted, mind you) ran like a normal episode. We got the normal challenge (an interesting one, in which the girls met with all the judges individually), and a photoshoot (making voting “sexy”. Yeah, I lol’ed myself), where most of the girls delivered lackluster photos. The only girls that delivered were Marjorie, Sheena, McKey, and Isis, all of whom seemed to have lucked into a great shot. The rest of the photos were very amateur. Nothing special, nothing captivating, except for the wonderously delirious “modeling” style that Clark has, which is to stand there and have no idea what you’re doing and expect a fabulous result. Sorry, honey, but relying on your “beauty” to get your through a shoot isn’t going to cut it, at least as long as that Streisand-shnoz is stuck to your face.
With the way this cycle was unraveling, I was half expecting one of the better girls to go home for some dumb reason, like lacking a vagina or something (sorry, Isis, I still love you), but to my squeal-inducing pleasure, *SPOILERS* Nikeysha and ShaRaun landed themselves in the bottom two! How about that for a change! Two girls that actually DESERVE to be the in the bottom two…are actually in the bottom two!
But the tears flowed as ShaRaun was sent packing (good riddance to your Bre-ass), and I rejoiced.
All in all, I’m thinking we have a very interesting season ahead of us. I’m interested to see what kind of vagina-snatching, vegan, pro-animal bull Elina is going to pull, which girls Clark is going to “rub the wrong way”, and which girl Isis is totally going to go all Alexis Arquette on (you know you remember that episode of The Surreal Life). So while I’m not feeling any kind of antics rivaling that of Jade, any unintentional hilarity rivaling that of Heather (C9), or any insane forms of calming down and eating cookies a’la Lisa (C5), I’m thinking this cycle could really be interesting. As long as the actual modelesque girls remain in the house, I’m happy.
PS – Oh, and did anyone catch the side-splitting CoverGirl spots that Whitney did during the commercials? I’m not even going to attempt to make fun of them, because they pretty much do it themselves. I’m just hoping they turn out as funny as Saleisha’s (“I’m a CoverGirl, and today I got my hair done!”). If you watched Cycle 10 at all and actually sat through the commercials long enough to see Saleisha’s segments, you know I’m not kidding.
Joey Nolfi is a model and aspiring Journalist in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. His film reviews have been published in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and are also found on IMDB.com and KillerReviews.com
