Out of the 12 months of the year, two of those months are usually considered a wasteland for movie-going audiences; February and September. I suppose you could also include January to the list, but its usually filled with wide releases for Oscar pictures, so there’s usually good stuff out there, which is not the case the proceeding month. With the possible exception of In Bruges February, was true to form for the most part, churning out never-to-be classics like Jumper and The Eye remake. September, on the other hand, while still featuring a Dane Cook movie, also has offerings from The Coens, Robert De Niro and Al Pacino, and Eagle Eye could even hold some entertainment.
Could it be that September has finally shaken its reputation as the summer’s dumping ground? Not if Nicolas Cage has anything to do with it. While I haven’t seen it, Cage’s new vehicle Bangkok Dangerous looks like a terrifically awful follow-up to the actor’s current string of big budget tragedies like Ghost Rider, Next, The Wicker Man, and his latest National Treasure crapfest. Wow, remember when Cage used to do movies like Face/Off, The Rock, and Matchstick Men?
Well, just to give you guys some alternatives to Cage’s mullet-wearing assassin, I thought I would provide my own personal favorite hired killers. There’s just something about hitmen that makes them fascinating, and we as moviegoers can’t seem to get enough of them. They can have double lives as salesman, photographers, cyborgs from the future, or they can just be plain old unstoppable killing machines that seem to just wait around for their next target. Whatever it is they do or wherever they come from, let’s just hope they keep slaughtering people for our entertainment.
Rob’s Hit List, Part 1
20. The Professor, played by Clive Owen – The Bourne Identity
“Look at what they make you give…”
To be honest, there’s really not a lot to this character, but I like how the film sets him up to be the ultimate obstacle for Matt Damon’s Jason Bourne. He’s the first one called in on the assignment, and yet he’s one of the last assassins we actually see Bourne face off against in the film. He’s got such a Pulp-style cover too, as we see him giving a piano lesson before being called in on assignment, apparently earning his “Professor” moniker.
Yet, there’s this underlying sadness that comes out of this character that first manifests when he goes to pickup another assignment and his clothes are a little ragged, and he just looks tired and pissed. Then, after his final battle with Bourne, a cat and mouse shootout in country field, he gets this small, subtle death that makes him one of the most memorable characters in the film.
19. Alex, played by William H. Macy – Panic
“I’ve got two jobs. I run a small mail – order business out of the house. Lawn ornaments, kitchen geegaws, sexual aids–things like that. And the rest of the time? I work for my father. I kill people.”
Panic is a largely forgotten film, which is really just too bad. This is a fantastic film that reminds me a lot of American Beauty, complete with a man having a mid-life crisis and falling in love with a younger woman (Neve Campbell), but instead of just hating his sales job, he just wants a normal life. Unfortunately, ever since he was a kid he’s been trained to be a hitman, and he’s damn good at it too. There’s an awesome scene early on where you just see him bumping into another guy and as Alex walks past, the guy just falls over dead and Alex drops a silenced gun into a trashcan.
A small release in 2002, Panic should be a lot more popular than it is, especially since it features one of the best William H. Macy performances ever. Also, Donald Sutherland is spot on as Macy’s crazy father who believes in the family business more than he believes in his son. You might be able to find it somewhere for about five bucks, and if you get the opportunity, I’d check it out.
18. Terry Tsurugi, played by Sonny Chiba – The Streetfighter
“Tell that bitch who sent you how sorry I am I can no longer be her friend.”
Tsurugi is a man who prefers to do his killing up close. He’s a man who takes care of problems, and when he does it, the problem usually goes away with his throat ripped out. Unfortunately, he’s also pretty much insane, and for those that don’t really have the money to pay him or decide to double-cross Terry, get ready to see your bloody scrotum in his hand. Did I mention this is the hero of this movie?
17. Maguire, played by Jude Law – Road to Perdition
“To be paid to do what you love… ain’t that the dream?”
There’s part of me that wonders whether Maguire would even be a hitman if it weren’t so necessary to his true passion. You see, what Maguire really seems to love more than anything else, is photography, specifically photographs of the recently deceased. He loves taking pictures of the newly dead so much, that he just so happens to be willing to kill the people himself, hence the hitman profession. I just really like how sleazy Jude Law is as Maguire. In a movie that is absolutely gorgeous in the way a painting from the 1930’s postcard would look, here’s this absolutely disgusting, balding murderer. In a movie with gigantic stars like Tom Hanks and Paul Newman, it’s the eccentricities of Law’s characters that make him burn truly bright.
16. Hanada Goro, played by Jo Shishido – Branded to Kill
“Are you number 1?”
Hanada is pretty good at what he does. He’s so good in fact that he’s been ranked the #3 best killer in all of Japan, but what happens when numbers 1 and 2 start gunning for you? Seijun Suzuki’s cult classic is one of the quintessential art house Hitman films, and one of the primary reasons why is because of Shishido’s complete commitment to this role, throwing himself completely in Goro, whether he’s killing someone by shooting them through the drain in their sink or going absolutely insane while being besieged by the other killers. This one’s not for everyone, but if you like your Hitman flicks on the weird side (we‘re talking getting turned on by steamed rice and making love to a woman in a room full of dead butterflies), this one’s for you.
15. El Mariachi, played by Antonio Banderas – The Mariachi Trilogy
“Bless me, Father, for I have just killed quite a few men.”
I remember being in high school and watching Desperado for the first time and absolutely having my mind blown. In those pre-John Woo days for me, I just had no idea how awesome a screen shootout could be, and the moment Antonio Banderas takes out like 27 dudes in the bar, having to break the neck of the very last guy, is an awesome moment indeed. Thing is, whether played by Banderas or Carlos Gallardo in the original El Mariachi, the character is an almost biblical storm of violence, taking out all in his path until he finds his target and dispatches them with guns-and-guitars-a-blazin‘.
14. Jaws, played by Richard Kiel – The Spy Who Loved Me
“…”
The Bond series has always had its share of ridiculous and deadly hired killers, and really none have been more ridiculous or deadly than Richard Kiel’s Jaws. Along with Harold Sakata’s Oddjob, Kiel’s Jaws is the poster child for the over the top Bond Villain. With his huge metal teeth, Jaws dispatches his victims in one of the most horrible ways possible, by breaking their necks with his titanium enforced gums. At 7′ 1″, Kiel is the most imposing Bond Baddie of them all, and I don’t see them topping the enormity of his stature or ferociousness any time soon.
14. The Terminator, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger – The Terminator
“I’ll be back…”
The role that launched Schwarzenegger is still one of his best. I know both the T-1000 and Arnie’s performance in T2 are kind of looked upon as the preferred versions of the Terminators in this series, but I still prefer The Austrian Oak’s first go-round as the unstoppable killer cyborg from the future. Much like Kiel’s Jaws, Arnie’s Terminator is a physically imposing monster, but take out the humor and put in an unmatched determination and ferocity to kill. Never has Schwarzenegger’s lack of vocabulary and stiff acting been such a boon to one of his performances. All he has to do is stand there and look as deadly as possible, and he pulls those off better than any Action star today can.
Alright, that’s it for this week. See you guys next time and we’ll see the next few killers on my list, and expect the bullets to fly and plenty of blood to be spilled.
