So, yes – it’s entirely possible that this show will be bad. Really bad. Like – historically bad. But that’s perfectly fine, because writing up the LIVE coverage of a bad PPV is much, MUCH easier, and a ton more fun, than writing up coverage of a good PPV. So I hope it’s as Russoriffic as possible. I want the Gobbledygooker to look like high art after tonight.
We start with an overly dramatic voice-over: “Ours is a world that defies definition.” If that’s your way of saying “our booking makes no sense” – hey, I’m right with ya, pal. (Oh, and you’re no Dan Lafontaine, either.)
Okay, seriously – this is starting to become one of the previews from the beginning of “Tropic Thunder”.
We’re in Ontario, Canada. In case you didn’t know.
And this… is… Sting. And this… is… Sting’s mic. And this… is… the next few minutes: “WHOOOOO!!! WHOO!!” (repeat). Then: “HE SAID ‘CANADA’!! HE SAID.. ‘Stingy in the hizzy’? Really? Uh – okay.” There’s a couple attempts to start random chants, but the Canucks apparently can’t agree on just one. Sting tries to get the crowd a bit fired up, but it ain’t happenin’. I honestly have no idea what he’s talking about – this promo is… well, it’s terrible. What happened to Sting? He goes off on “Respect” for a while, and the “snot nosed baby brats” backstage who don’t have any. He references Bret Hart, to get the cheap Canadian pop (worth about 1.22 cheap American pops). Ends with “So AJ and Joe – it’s Showtime!”
Earliar today, Christian arrived in a Chrysler. AND he had a back in the backseat! WOW! SMELL THE EXCITEMENT!
Booker T couldn’t make it to Canada. Apparently, getting out of street gangs and the ghetto is tough – but it’s nothing compared to getting out of Houston with a Hurricane is rolling in. So, the main event is now “Three Ways to Glory”. (That must have already been a porn title, right?)
First Match: The Rock ‘N’ Rave Infection (Jimmy Rave, Lance Rock, Christy Hemme) vs. Prince Justice Brotherhood (Super Erick, Shark Boy and Curry Man) Wow, what a study in contrasts. The first group is a perfect example of a bad gimmick done badly, and the second is a bad gimmick done the right way. The difference is whether you take yourself seriously or not. Super Erick starts against Jimmy Rave. Eric wins the test of strength, of course. Rave misses a high kick in the corner and rolls to the floor, Eric follows with a tope suicida, then a missle dropkick back in the ring, for 2. Lance tagged in, they missed the double clothesline, and eat a clothesline each. Stone Cold Shark Boy in, leaps into a bear hug, Super Eric helps out with a dropkick, turning it into a Thesz Press. Shark Elbow gets 2. Rave back in, caught with a back bodydrop. Shark stomps a mudhole and walks it dry. Curry man in, to a pop (?). Series of head butts, and the Curry walks Rave over to the corner, hand extended to Hemme, and “tags” her in – heh, cute. She gets a standing headlock, and Curry takes advantage of the viewpoint this offers to him. She pushes him off, but he shakes his head and tries to put himself back into the headlock. Okay – that’s funny. He reverses a wrist lock into a Rear (semi-)Naked Fondle, and eats a back elbow. She tries a cross-body off the second rope – Curry catches her, stands her up, and pats her on the butt a couple times. Shark Boy tags in, Hemme runs and makes the tag to Rave, who eats two running clotheslines and some chops. Shark charges and gets backdropped to the floor, where Rock runs him into the steel barrier a couple of times. Back in, two count. Rock tags in, double back elbow, double elbow drop, 2 count. Neck vice countered with a Jawbreaker. Doubleteam gutbuster on Shark. Hemme enthusiastically tags in, and does a splash off of Rock’s shoulders. Hemme mocks Shark, so he crawls through her legs and tags in Curry. Rock and Rave both run in. Rock takes a butt-butt in the corner, Rave takes a vicious backbreaker. Hemme runs in, gets spun around a couple of times, and Curry pulls out the Greco-Roman liplock – which Hemme seems to enjoy quite a bit. Until, of course, he rolls her up – 2 count, broken up by Rock. Curry up – inverted crucifix powerbomb by Rock. And Hemme (“Yeah! Kiss me? Yeah?”) climbs to the second rope, and does a… holy crap, did Tenay actually call that “the firecrotch guillotine”??? ROTFL. Super Eric puts Rock upon the top turnbuckle, but gets shoved off. Shark and Rave in – Shark goes for the Stunner, gets pushed off, they collide heads. Hemme slaps Shark across the face – so of course, gets nailed with the Stunner. Shark is nailed with a big boot from Rock, who then tries to set up Eric. Eric throws Rock into Rave in the corner, puts Rock up in a fireman’s, and then puts Rave on *top of Rock* – double DVD! Curry runs in, covers Hemme and strokes her face – while the ref counts 1-2-3.
Winner: Prince Justice Brotherhood
Overall: Rock sucks, but otherwise that was a lot of fun.
Second Match: Falls Count Anywhere: Awesome King vs. ODB Kong is in her usual attire, ODB is in a denim jumpsuit with the sleeves cut off. ODBs chugs 2 beers from the audience, and then gets attacked from behind by Said. ODB fights back, but gets kicked in the head by Kong, and thrown into the ring. A couple of kicks and a shoulder block from Kong, but a splash misses. ODB goes outside, and finds a table, which is slid into the ring – and smacked into Kong’s back. Table set up in the corner. ODB tries to whip Kong into the table – unsuccessfully, takes a clothesline for her troubles. Outside the ring, ODB throws Kong over the railing, and into the crowd. Usual crowd brawling, including a (plastic) trash can shot. Kong back with an elbow, and slams ODB onto the ramp. Twice. 2 count. ODB into the railing, and then into the ringpost. Kong with a chop to the formidable bosom of ODB. Kong misses a charge, and clothesline the ringpost. ODB bounces Kong’s head off the stops, then hits a Thesz press for 2. ODB under the ring, sets up a chair in the corner. Kong back in, ODB sets her up for a shoulderblock into the chair. 2 count. ODB sets up the table in the ring, tries to slam Kong – but no go. Kong tries for the Awesomebomb, but ODB punches out – so Kong just takes her head off with a lariat. Kong calls to Said for a chair, climbs up the turnbuckle to get it – and ODB catches her with a powerbomb on the table. The table which doesn’t break – wow, that’s a strong table. ODB goes for a cover – just 2. Said pulls ODB out, but gets sent into the railing. ODB climbs up top, misses the press, Kong tries for a chokeslam, ODB elbows out and rolls up Kong in a school… uh, -girl, 2 count. Kong reverses an Irish whip, follows up with a splash and a backfist. Kong gets another table, in the corner. ODB takes a hit from the flask – and sprays it into Kong’s face. Couple of chest slaps, ODB charges, and caught by Kong with a spinebuster through the table. 1-2-3.
Winner: Awesome Kong
Overall: nice idea, but too slow.
Backstage with Christian Cage. Cage points out that this isn’t an episode of “The Hills” (well duh – you’d kill for their demographics). Cage points out that he is, in fact, Canadian. And that he has won the World title before.
Third Match: Team 3-D vs. Abyss and Matt Morgan Abyss and Ray start. Ray tries to provoke Abyss, but hides in the ropes. Ray takes advantage of a distraction from D-Von, but Abyss back with the big boot. Ray avoids a charge, and hits the Book End/Rock Bottom for 2. Ray in, double shoulderblock for 2. Abyss with a clothesline. Morgan in – splash in the corner, side slam for 2. Ray in, takes a double back bodydrop. Ray motions as if they are going to head to the back, so Abyss and Morgan chase them down on the ramp. Tenay is really trying to the “the Blueprint’ over as Morgan’s nickname. Back in the ring, Ray with a chopblock on Abyss. They work over the left knee. “WE WANT TABLES” chant starts up. D-Von misses the corner charge, Abyss and Ray clothesline each other. Tag to Morgan – who gets booed? He’s a house o’ fire anyway. Ray clotheslined to the floor, Shoulder block, splash, and leg drop on D-Von for 2. Ray runs in, Morgan sets up the Old School ropewalk – and the crowd just SHOWERS boos down on him. Morgan with a splash on Ray for 2. Abyss knocks Ray to the floor. Morgan with the Carbon Footprint on D-Von, 1-2-Ray pulls the ref out. And blames it on Abyss. Morgan twirls his hand around a bit, to no reaction from the crowd. Johnny Devine runs down… eventually… chair to the back of Morgan. D-Von covers, 1-2-no! Ray in, double-team neckbreaker (West calls it the 3-D), 1-2-no. Morgan up, they charge, double-clothesline. Abyss tagged in, Devine runs in with the chair – Abyss with a kick to the gut, and a sit-out backbreaker. Abyss climbs the ropes on D-Von for the.. uhhh… 2-punch countalong, Ray lifts Abyss up on his shoulders – kind of – D-Von with an (almost) Doomsday Device. 1-2-broken up by Morgan. D-Von can’t decide if he wants the chair or not – Abyss with a chokeslam. 1-2-no. Abyss lifts up the chair, but is hesitant to use it – which allows Ray to attack from behind. D-Von lifts up the chair… holds it… holds it… holds it! Morgan finally spins him around, and punches the chair into D-Von’s face. Abyss with a Black Hold Slam, and that’s all she wrote.
Winners: Abyss and Matt Morgan
Overall: Again: nice idea, but too slow. And Morgan isn’t good.
Ray attacks after the ring – low blow to Abyss, chair to Morgan’s back. Morgan gets up, sees the chair in Abyss’s hands – and proves himself to be the dumbest person in the world by questioning Abyss about it.
Fourth Match: X-Division Championship: Sheik Abdul Bashir vs. Consequences Creed vs. Petey Williams Creed comes out dressed like Apollo Creed in Rocky III, so he’s booed mercilessly. Petey is Canadian, eh – so he’s now a face by default, I guess. Bashir knocked to the floor by Petey, Creed misses a Stinger splash, and is rolled up for 2. Tenay insists of talking over the biggest crowd chant of the night – serioiusly, does this company have NO idea what it’s doing? Bashir back in – double low drop-kick by Creed, followed by a double elbowdrop. Covers Petey for 2. Bashir beats Creed down in the corner, Petey climbs to the second rope, Bashir tries for a powerbomb to the floor, but eats a dropkick to the head from Creed and a legdrop from Petey. Creed with a plancha on both men outside, which the crowd appreciates. Back in, Bashir with a jawbreaker and a side suplex. Petey in with some chops, and then a reverse backcracker to Creed. Petey with a slingshot rana to Creed on the floor. Bashir rolls Creed in for 2. Creed with a nice spinning roundhouse. Petey in, and just destroys both men. Petey motions for the Destroyer, and grabs Creed.. then Bashir – double Canadian Destroyer? Nope – Bashir takes him down with a lariat. Bashir puts Creed to the floor with a top-rope slingshot. Bashir with the superplex on Petey. Creed with a top-rope legdrop on both men – double cover, 2 count. Bashir throws Creed at Petey, Destroyer attempt, Creed counters with a backdrop. Bashir with a DDT on Creed – Petey runs over, and locks in the Sharpshooter on Bashir. Oh – did I mention Earl Hebner is the ref? Well, Tenay just did. *sigh* Bashir, while in the Sharpshooter, throws an arm over Creed – Hebner counts 1-2-Petey pulls Bashir into the middle of the ring. Creed breaks that up with a slingshot bulldot – 2 count. Petey tries for a Destroyer on Creed – countered to a… cradlebomb, kind of, for 2. Petey out of the corner – running Canadian Destroyer, 1-2-Bashir pulls Petey out of the ring! He throws Petey into the barricade, dives into the ring, covers Creed – 1-2-3! Wow.
Winner: Sheik Abdul Bashir
Overall: Nope – didn’t see that one coming.
Petey looks stunned.
Fifth Match: Angelina Love vs. Taylor Wilde Love comes down with Velvet Sky and Cute Kip (believe it or not, the former Billy Gunn), so Wilde introduces her “newest best friend” – Rhyno. Boob-to-boob confrontation to start, while then turns into a catfight. Wow – I’m so glad they are trying to make the Knockouts so different from WWE’s women. All we need is hair-pulling and someone being throw into a pull and it’s “Dynasty” all over again. Wilde with a shoulderblock, a kick, punches and a leg lariat for 2. Traci Brooks is out with a notepad, because somebody else needed something to do tonight. Wilde chases Love outside the ring, only to take a shot to the head from Sky’s purple plastic makeup kit. Back in, Love covers for 2. Hairpull face plant. Again. 2 count. Neckbreaker for 2. Wilde back with forearms. Double faceplant. They exchange chops. Wilde with a clothesline and tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for 2. Love put up top, but fights out with a front suplex off the top. 2 count. Elbow drop, another 2. Love tries for a Rock Bottom – reversed to a roll-up, 2 count. Taylor with a roundhouse to the head. Kip runs in, Rhyno meets him with a GOAR GOAR GOAR! Nice Flair Flop from Kip after popping up the first time. Sky grabs Wilde outside the ropes, Love charges, Wilde ducks, Love stops short, Wilde dropkicks Love into Sky. Wilde with the Northern Lights suplex for the 1-2-3.
Winner: Taylor Wilde
Video recap of the whole So Cal Va/Jay Lethal/Sonjay Dutt mess. I don’t blame any of the individual actors, but seriously – this has been going on FOREVER.
Sixth Match: Ladder of Love: Jay Lethal vs. Sonjay Dutt Yes, there actually is an engagement ring suspened above the ring. On a red velvet pillow. Which is on a red velvet platform. Yes – I know. *I KNOW*. Anyway… Lethal dominates to start, including a full-nelson release overhead suplex. Dutt looks great, physically – he’s got a full 8-pack going. Outside the ring, Lethal continues the beatdown, with Snake Eyes on the railing. Lethal sets up a ladder between the apron and the barricade, and continues the beatdown. Dutt catches Lethal setting up another ladder – back in, slingshot legdrop. Dutt charges – backdropped over the rope, RIGHT onto the ladder. Ouch. Lethal gets a ladder in the middle of the ring, sets up it, starts to climb. Dutt jumps up on the apron, springboards onto the ladder, and pulls Lethal off into a slingshot on the top rope! Holy CRAP, that took some ridiculous balls to even attempt it. Dutt climbs, Lethal catches him halfway up, and powerbombs Dutt into the ladder. Lethal climbs – Dutt somehow gets a ladder into the ring almost immediately, sets it up across the first ladder and the second rope, and then yanks Lethal down onto it. Dutt climbs the turnbuckle – senton on Lethal, on the prone ladder. (West calls the senton a “forward moonsault” – heh.) “THIS IS AWESOME” chant. Dutt climbs, Lethal picks up a ladder and goes straight for Dutt’s head. Dutt ducks, but the second ladder is now lying horizontal on top of the first ladder. (I HATE HATE HATE typing up recaps for these matches live.) Back and forth – Lethal sets up Dutt for a slingshot – meant to go into the second ladder, but Dutt can’t get quite high enough to reach it. Lethal pulls down the second ladder, sets it up in the corner, and smacks Dutt into it 3 times. Lethal climbs, almost there – Dutt puts him a fireman’s carry, and drops Lethal in the middle of the second ladder – crotching him on one of the steps. Dutt climbs – Lethal gets out, second rope dropkick to the first ladder to knock Dutt down. Dutt charges, Lethal tries for a drop toehold into the ladder – Dutt blocks. Dutt smacks Lethal’s head into the ladder, then puts him in the Tree of Woe – with his head and arms inside the ladder. Running dropkick into the ladder. Outside the ring – Sonjay pulls out two chairs, and props the ladder up on them. Lethal fights back, tries for a powerbomb on the chairs – Dutt fights out, and gets a inverse RKO – on the ladder. Dutt back in the ring, sets up the first ladder. Lethal pulls a second into the ring – sets it up right to Dutt. They both climb, Lethal reaches – Dutt pulls him face into the top of the first ladder. Dutt goes up the 2nd ladder – Camel Clutch across the top of both ladders!? Dutt reaches – Lethal grabs his arm – Lethal snap mares Dutt off the top down to the mat. Lethal reaches – not quite, tries to climb down, and gets his leg caught in the first ladder. Oh, here’s come Val, into the ring finally – she gets his leg out, which causes him to fall down to the ring apron. Dutt’s up, and screaming at Val to get out of the ring. Dutt gets back to the first ladder, Lethal crawls over to Val and smiles, then notices Dutt. Lethal starts to climb – and gets a low blow from Val. HEEEEEEREE’s RUSSO!!! Dutt makes it up to the top, grabs the ring, places it on Val’s finger, and then they suck face in the middle of the ring. For a long… long.. uncomfortably long time.
Winner: Sonjay Dutt
Overall: Innovative use of the ladder. Sick of the storyline.
Backstage with Kurt Angle. JB asks if Booker T not being there messes up Angle’s plan. The short answer: no.And apparently he cares about his gold medals more than he does about his kids. Nice.
Seventh Match: Tag Team Championship: TNA vs. Beer Money, Inc. Roode avoids Homicide to start (harkening back to the “beer bottle to the eye” spot). Cide with punches, Storm goes for the eye, and a hiptoss. Hernandez tags in, hits the slingshot shoulderblock. Hernandez misses a corner splash, then eats a clothesline from Roode. Roode with a necksnap, and a pose. Roode hits an atomic drop, Storm gets a backstabber for 2. Hernandez tries for a powerbomb, Roode hits a chop block – 2 count. Double vertical suplex for 2. Storm climbs up – caught with an overhead suplex. Cide tagged in – Roode begs off, Cide lays in the shots in the corner, flips through a belly-to-back suplex, hits his own snap suplex and a high knee. Cide up top, Roode fights, Cide back – 2nd rope DDT. 1-2-Storm breaks it up. Storm crotched on the top rope, Roode sneaks in for a spinebuster for 2. Hernandez sends both members of BMI to the floor. Homicide with a plancha onto Roode. Hernandez climbs – Storms sprays him in the face with beer, and slams him down to the mat. Hector Gonzalez grabs a beer bottle from Jackie – Homicide takes it, chugs the beer, and swings it at Roode – who moves, and Cide crashes the bottle over the steel steps. Roode and Storm work over Cide – until Hernandez comes flying over the top rope, and takes them both out. Cide and Roode back in – back and forth, until Homicide hits an RKO. Sets up for the Cop-killer – Jackie runs in, hits Cide with powder in the face, Roode with a Fisherman’s Suplex – 1-2-3.
Winner: Beer Money, Inc.
Overall: Great match, REALLY weak finish.
Eighth Match: MMA Rules: Frank Trigg vs. AJ Styles Okay, I’m not kidding here: this is an insult to both styles of “wrestling”. I will not cover this “worked shoot” angle. Don’t like it? Complain elsewhere. So to wind up, AJ nails Trigg in the groin, and they rule it a “No Contest”. AJ grabs a kendo stick from under the ring, and just beats the CRAP out of Trigg with it.
Samoa Joe backstage, explains why he used to respect Sting, but he no longer does. “Molina, IA. Topeka, KS. Corpus Christi. Dallas, New York, London – where were you, Sting? You were at home, being one of the highest paid men in this company, yet one of the men that works the very least.” Yowza.
Ninth Match: TNA Championship: Christian Cage vs. Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe I still wish Kurt Angle would just go all out and purchase the rights to “Lunatic Fringe”. I mean, seriously – how much can they cost? Oh, and Sting shows up. Sting comes down the ramp, gets in Joe’s face, tosses the bat – and then gets smacked in the face. They go at it a bit, until the refs and AJ Styles run down – AJ pulls Joe off. Joe walks down to the ring, the rest of the riff-raff wander off. JB does the offical announcements. Joe and Cage go after Angle to start, knocking him out of the ring. They face off, Cage points to the crowd, they cheer. Off the ropes, shoulder-block from Joe. Face-to-face, a couple chops, Joe hits a leg lariat. Cage avoids another lariat, hits a reverse DDT for 2. Angle shows up, pulls Cage out, European uppercut. Joe grabs a rear naked choke on Angle, broken up by Cage. Belly-to-belly from Angle on Joe, and then immediately into the Ankle Lock on Cage, who kicks out. Angle throws Cage to the floor, then eats a lariat from Joe. Joe with kicks, and a kneedrop for 2. Angle with a choke, then a back elbow for 2. Angle back to the choke. Fights out, Angle with a knee, but then crotched into the ringpost by Cage. Cage with a crossbody on Joe for 2. Angle runs in with an overhead on Joe, then a pop-up 2nd-rope overhead on Cage. Joe with a snap suplex on Angle for 2. Cage takes the triple overheads from Angle. Angle tries an Angle Slam on Joe – reversed to an overhead release suplex. Joe tries for a Muscle Buster – no. Angle hits an Angle Slam on Joe – 1-2-no. Cage climbs, Angle meets him, Joe jumps up too – 3 man Triple Tower. Joe covers Cage – 2 count. Joe covers Angle – 2 count. Angle throws Joe out – tries the Angle Slam, countered with an arm drag. They fight over a suplex, until Angle gets the Ankle Lock. Joe slips in for a roll-up for 2. Angle takes Joe down.. then Cage… and grabs a double ankle lock. Which, honestly, looks about as silly as you think it does. Joe gets Cage up – Muscle Buster! He covers… but Angle has grabbed the ref, Earl Hebner, and won’t let him count! Joe picks up Cage, and throws him through the ropes into Angle. Joe goes off the rope, and hits a corkscrew plancha onto both men! Back in – Joe tries the Muscle Buster, countered to an Angle Slam. Cage up – leaps over Angle, and splashes Joe! Cage throws Angle out of the ring, NAILS the Unprettier, but Angle pulls the ref out. Angle in with a chair – nails Cage with it, Angle Slams him to the floor. Angle smacks Joe with the chair, then locks in the Ankle Lock. Oh, look – it’s Jeff Jarrett. With a guitar. What a shock. Jarrett’s in – guitar over Angle’s head. Joe pops up – Muscle Buster. Jarrett throws the ref into the ring… (slow count) 1…… 2…… 3.
Winner: Samoa Joe
Overall: 3 good wrestlers, struggling against a weird storyline.
Jarrett comes into the ring, puts the title belt on Joe’s shoulder, and badmouth’s Angle.
And that’s our show folks. Not nearly the car crash I was hoping for, and overall a pretty entertaining show, wrestling-wise. Some of these gimmicks have just GOT to go, though.