The Gold Standard #9

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Generally I try to reserve my Standards for being about my favorite things in comics, or the things that I like; you know, things that have standards. This week I don’t think I can do that though, no. This week I need to cover something that isn’t good, and you know what, it isn’t even bad. No no, it fits perfectly into that third column….’The Ugly’. I’m talking about Ultimates 3 and Hulk, the Jeph Loeb double dose of hell. I’m talking about two complete wastes of paper being churned out by a man who wrote the Long Halloween, one of the essential Batman stories of the modern era. A man who was a top tier creator for several years before the evidence began to show just how bad he could be, with titles such as Onslaught: Reborn, Supergirl, Fallen Son, and more.

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The man of the hour, the man with the power, too sweet to be…..wait, no, that’s Superstar Billy Graham
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He eats t-bone steaks, and lifts barbell plates, and he’s sweeter then a German chocolate cake. He’s the womans pet and the mens regret, what you see is what you get, and what you don’t see is even better yet. He’s the man of the hour, the man with the power, too sweet to be sour. Superstar Billy Graham, the arm-wrestling champion of the world!

I guess I should open up by saying that I do, in fact, like Jeph Loeb. I loved Long Halloween and it’s sequel Dark Victory ( despite being completely formulaic and being beyond easy to figure out if you read LH first). Hulk: Gray is one of my favorite Hulk stories, and I enjoyed Superman for All Seasons. Hell, I even liked Hush and most of his Superman/Batman run. So why am I bashing him? Because, just like athletes hit a point where they’re out of their peaks and their abilities begin to decline, the same goes for writers. Jeph Loeb is a prime example of this, as his recent work just turns out worse and worse every time he puts out something new. He’s not the only one though, after all, Chris Claremont is still writing.

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Hands down the best story Loeb has ever written

There’s something fundamentally wrong with the books Loeb writes now though, they’re all lacking something. I’ve been told that it’s all because of the death of his son, and while I do feel horrible for the man and can’t even begin to understand how he much feel, I don’t think it’s a valid excuse. If you can’t do a job to the best of your ability, take a break, relax, don’t push yourself too hard and let things recover for you. I’ve also been told that it might be because of his commitments in television, as he jumped from Smallville writer, to Lost writer and producer, to co-executive producer and writer on Heroes. It might just be possible that he’s focusing too much on TV and just phoning in his comic work, which could explain the complete lack of proper plot and character development in his books. Hell, it could even explain the giant screaming retcons of recent continuity that make it clear that he hasn’t read a single book leading into the titles he writes.

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Remember this Hulk? The bad ass one that took over New York last year? Whatever happened to him?

What do I mean by that? Well, let’s just focus on Hulk. I recently got around to reading Planet Hulk, and World War as well, and what I enjoyed the most was the way Pak characterized the Jade Giant. He was smart and savage, the perfect combination of Hulk and Banner. It was fitting, and a reasonable and well suited conclusion to where the combination was leading up to. It was the Hulk we all knew could happen but were just waiting for someone to nail. And now? HULK SMASH! Yep, we’ve got savage brute with no IQ Hulk back with no explanation other then Loeb likes writing him more than smart and strategic Hulk. The character was rewound to how he acted before the giant event he just went through, and the easiest way to explain it is by saying that at no point did he ever bother to read what was going on. He just made up a story and wrote it and damned be what anyone else was doing. But hey, at least he gave Loeb the option of writing one character halfway decently. It might be stupid Hulk, but at least Loeb knows he can write that one.

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Take that smart story telling…………and Uatu!

Then again, how hard can it be to get the actions and speech of the Savage Hulk correct? Hell, give me Hulk, I could write it. I have never once in my life been a fan of the character, and the series has never, at any point, done anything for me. I liked the recent movie quite a bit, but it didn’t sell me because it was a Hulk movie, it sold me because of Ed Norton. Watching the movie convinced me to read Planet Hulk and WWH, and it led me to check out Hulk: The End and Future Imperfect (which I had casually read in my younger days). Good stuff, all of which I enjoyed. I even bought the first few issues of the current book, and the “Hulk Sized” special, but something made me give up pretty quick. Maybe it was the ridiculous over powering given to Red Hulk, or it could have been A-Bomb, wait, no, I remember now. I dropped the book because of the last page splash of dumb Hulk yelling about smashing. I didn’t stick around to see the fight with Thor, which I’m quite happy with.

Speaking of, does anybody read Thor? Now that book is a Gold Standard amongst comics, a well crafted and conceived story by creators who have actual passion for the material. It’s clear that JMS spent a long time planning on his intentions for the book, and that he’s put his heart and soul into it. Thor is well defined as both a ruler and as a God, and his power levels have been increased because of it. A single tap of his hammer was enough to crack and break Iron Man’s armor. His open reveal that he had spent years holding back his strength for the sake of the mortals, and that it would be something he would never do again. So I can see precisely how the events of Hulk could piss off Thor fans.

He not only beat Thor, but he held Mjolnir. The excuse? In space things are weightless, so anybody can hold it.

My verdict? Shitty writing. It’s an excuse to put over his own new character at the expense of something that somebody else is doing, nothing more, nothing less. The Thor revival is popular, so what better way to say that Red Hulk is more popular then to have him beat Thor? It makes perfect sense! Nothing is better than Red Hulk! Nothing! Well, except for maybe the Ultimates, but I’ll get to that in a bit.

First I need to go on about the “secret identity” of the Red Hulk, the one that we were supposed to know by issue number six but I quit caring about after issue two. It’s not hard to write a compelling story with a mystery main character, it really isn’t. You can have your entire cast hang around and try and figure out which of them is the mystery man or woman and it doesn’t have to suck. There’s a trick to that, and you know what it is? Create an aura around them, build the guilt in everyone equally, spread it about and get people debating who it’s going to be.

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This is one of the older promo pieces for the series, everyone to have been rumored to be Red Hulk is in it, and they all have been proven to not be him. Goody. Six issues to find out absolutely nothing that most of us didn’t already know by looking at this.

That isn’t what’s been done in Hulk. Six issues and the only reasonable guesses were Rick Jones (after his appearance in issue one, but off the list as of issue two), Thunderbolt Ross (a candidate up until issue six, and one that was more or less forced down our throats to the point where it was a bigger surprise that it wasn’t him), and Leonard Samson (like Ross, but to a slightly lesser degree). I’ve heard people trying to sell the book saying that it could be She Hulk, or Iron Man, or Betty Ross and you know what? That doesn’t sell the book. If the writer is telling a believable mystery where we really don’t know ‘who dunnit’ but we have a long list of suspects, then yes, it would work, and it would be awesome. This? Not so much. The hype is going to overshadow the reveal and disappoint fans en masse, mark my words.

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If only it would have worked.

Now how about Ultimates 3? The first two were the comic book equivalents of Hollywood blockbusters, with an unfortunate amount of delays. Millar and Hitch told an amazing story broken across the two volumes, and the combination of the two makes up one of my all time favorite runs in recent history. Ultimates 3 doesn’t add to it, no, rather it takes away. We were immediately treated to characterization so poor that it read as if Loeb was just forcing the characterization as much as possible so that we wouldn’t complain.

Instead, the characters came across as paper thin and one note. Tony was an alcoholic, Steve was old fashioned, Clint wanted to die, and Wanda and Pietro……they liked to make the sexy time together. Millar was clever with it, it was noticeably apparent, but he didn’t ever force the issue. Loeb’s version is more like “We’re twins who have sex! Look at us!”, and it’s kinda sickening to the point where Wanda getting shot in the chest is more of a God send than anything else.

He’s not very subtle with any of his characters, and it’s annoying. I’m a big proponent of ‘less is more’, meaning that I like to draw conclusions on my own based on what’s provided to me, as opposed to having the entire thing laid out clearly in front of me. This book could have benefitted from that. It also could have benefitted from not being shit thrown at a wall. Venom randomly attacks so the next issue Hawkeye is trying to KILL Spider-Man. At one point it’s revealed to us that Wolverine might be Wanda’s dad, despite that it’s acknowledged in the same discussion that she and Pietro are twins, and Magneto is Pietro’s dad, but there’s still a chance that Logan is Wanda’s. Find the logic, I dare you. I DARE YOU!

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….save you the effort. This is the Black Panther, otherwise known as Captain America in different clothes.

And how does Loeb try and explain this shit storm of a book? Well, that’s easy, EVERYONE IS A ROBOT! Wanda made Ultron evil by touching him and then he create the Robo-Ultimates and Captain America decided to be the Black Panther and I died a little inside. Of course, I didn’t die to the extent of Wanda and Pietro, who were both completely utterly wasted beyond rational thought in this book and killed like they were nothing. The whole thing just felt…..was there a point? Was the whole book just an excuse to get the Ultimates to the Savage Land where they could kill Quicksilver and piss off Magneto? And have robots that make fun of them?

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Did I mention that Ultron is also Yellowjacket? I probably should have since, you know, he is.

There was one redeeming part of this book, a single one. Hank Pym is reinserted on the team as a hero, more or less being the only reason the good guys actually win.

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You know how Spidey was on the heroes cover for issue one? It was because he’s in this one scene fighting Hawkeye. Hawkeye who wants to kill him because Venom attacked the Avengers Mansion. Venom attacks, thus kill Spider-Man. Makes perfect sense.

Next up is Ultimatum though, and for some reason I have this gut feeling that it’s going to play out horribly. I see the Fantastic Four getting offed somehow, and I see it being a big human vs mutant war. I predict a horribly written Magneto killing humans like cattle, and Sentinels flying about vaporizing mutants with their eyes. I also predict that I wont be spending my money on it, despite loving David Finch’s art.

If there’s any justice in the world, Captain America: White will be good, even if it’s a completely out of continuity story. The Color books by Loeb and Sale are always fun, as Tim Sale truly does bring the best out of his frequent collaborator. I heard mixed things about the zero issue, and was planning to read it in trade, but I can hope. I loved Hulk: Gray, after all.

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I wish I could be excited for Ultimatum, I mean, LOOK AT IT! DAVID FINCH!

So what’s the overall problem with Jeph Loeb? Honestly, I think he just doesn’t care anymore. I think the job turned from a passion into a paycheck, and his writing shows that. I think that the loss of his son helped pull his heart out of the industry and he hasn’t bothered to try and put it back. And I also think that he’s past his peak. What should he do? Well, I hate to say it, but it might be time for him to step back away and either write one well thought out book, or just go focus on his TV projects. As it stands, he’s consistently one of the worst writers to be employed by the big two, and he shows no signs of improvement anytime soon. And worse than that, because they give him big name books and artists, his stuff will continue to sell regardless of the writing quality. The downside to an industry that’s still populated by a more then decent amount of people that buy based off of the cover and not the content.

Random mumblings of the stoned guru!

I bought Supergirl this week. Me, Supergirl, spending of money worked hard for, and read in a legitimate non-digital copy. The concept scared the shit out of me, I mean, I hate Supergirl. I hate everything about the character outside of the costume, there is nothing positive about it. And yet, I bought the new issue under Steriling Gates and Jamal Igle……and I liked it a lot. You hear that? A big time hater of all things Kara Zor-El bought, and enjoyed this book. The characterization was pretty good, and Kara was humanized for me quite a bit just in how she dealt with the attack that Cat Grant made on her on the front page of the Daily Planet. The inclusion of Lana Lang was another big plus, as I do love the character so long as I’m ignoring the Smallville version, and this is a very well done version. On top of all of that, Kara finally gets a human identity, and I totally adored it. And since you all know by now that while I don’t like spoiling too much, I don’t use tags, consider this your warning. I’m expecting big things for the new main character of this book, and for her aunt Lana. In other words, I think I love Linda Lang already.

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HI LINDA! I’m looking forward to seeing you every month!

You know what pisses me off? I saw Invincible #53 on Diamonds shipping list for last week, went to my LCS, didn’t have it. I see Invincible coming, I get excited. It means that Kirkman is on time and that all things are good and right, and when I don’t have it I get ticked off because it’s such a great book and I really want it on the monthly time table. Invincible is to me as Ultimate Spider-Man is to a lot of readers, with the main difference being that while I’ve dropped Ult Spidey on four separate occasions, Invincible has a cozy home on my pull list and as a top three book for me every time it comes out. Best superhero book in the universe…..BUY IT!
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A few weeks back I was quietly wondering about the whereabouts of one of my favorite comic artists, the amazing Howard Porter (JLA, Flash, Fantastic Four), and was wondering whatever happened to him. A superstar artist doesn’t just randomly drop off the map, you know? Well, thankfully Newsarama cleared the mystery up for me with a recent interview. Color me surprised to find out that one of my favorite artists has been sitting in near retirement for the past few years with a maimed thumb. It’s good to have you back Howard, your style has been missed. Now let’s just see about getting you on to a book that’s actually readable so I can enjoy your art again!

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If you haven’t read it, go read it. On sale everywhere, the Deluxe Edition volume one!

Just got done reading an incredibly enlightening column over at Newsarama about breaking into the comics industry that radiated well with me, as it’s something that I’m aspiring to do. I’m not going to try and sum it all up for you here, but I am going to give you a link to it here and encourage all of my regular readers with goals involving professional comic creating to check it out.

DC Decisions is a bad joke. A really bad joke. Politics in the DC or Marvel universe could be a great concept if done right, but nobody seems able to handle it without making a mockery of either the politics or the characters. Case in point, during the first issue Green Arrow implied that if he was the body guard for a Republican candidate during an assassination attempt, that he might not try too hard to save them. Congrats, now not only is Ollie a liberal, but he’s lost his concern for human life too. Well, actually, I’d be safe. I’m liberal too. The rest of you beware though, super heroes pick who they save based on personal politics now.

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Liberal? Ollie? But what will the Blue Fascists think?!

JLA hasn’t really been a must read book since Meltzer left the book, and some people (myself included) had been quick to blame McDuffie and to say he shouldn’t be writing the book. The past few issues have made one thing perfectly clear though; the problem with the book was never the writer, it was the editorial writing staff. McDuffie has been scripting over somebody else’s plots for close to a year now, and he’s finally getting a chance to do his own thing, and it’s a good thing. This past week’s issue of JLA is by far the best issue since he’s come on board, it had fun, excitement, though provoking plot twists, and it left me wanting the next issue for the first time in a long time. I knew there was a reason that JLU was so damn good!

I love Manhunter, but it’s definitely in need of a little foot in the ass. After relaunching it had a strong first few issues, but it’s treading water now. Andreyko needs to take it back to what made it great and give Kate the same degree of focus he’s giving Dylan, Chase, Ramsey, and Mark. The book might have one of the best supporting casts in comics today, but that doesn’t mean that you overlook your title character for them. Well, actually, I would buy a book about Chase and Dylan. In a heartbeat.

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Rawr

You know what book I miss? Checkmate. Such a great little book about espionage in a world of super heroics, with fabulous writing and art and….wait, what do you mean the book isn’t over yet? Bruce Jones started writing it, of course it’s over. Anything he touches dies a horrible death.

Did any of you watch Dexter?! If not, then WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! GO WATCH DEXTER!

What I read last week:

  • Authority
  • Batman
  • JLA
  • Manhunter
  • Nightwing
  • Supergirl
  • Cable
  • Punisher: War Journal

My pick of the week: Batman

What am I watching?

  • WWE Raw
  • Entourage
  • Dexter
  • Heroes
  • Chuck
  • Knight Rider
  • The Amazing Race
  • Family Guy
  • American Dad


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The Gold Standard

A lifelong reader and self proclaimed continuity guru, Grey is the Editor in Chief of Comics Nexus. Known for his love of Booster Gold, Spider-Girl (the real one), Stephanie Brown, and The Boys. Don't miss The Gold Standard.