Quick News
Dolph Ziggler is suspended.
This likely spells the end to his push. Remember when DH Smith was quickly suspended after getting his big shot? I don’t think Vince minds steroids or drugs so much as he minds those dumb enough to get caught.
Kelly Kelly says “No†to Playboy.
I’d actually bet this is just to increase the hype when she reveals that she actually will pose, but I don’t really like her either way.
More from The Observer (subscribe at www.f4wonline.com):
WWE Mexico has signed Dos Caras, Jr.
Looks like WWE is serious about expansion into that market and this is a hell of an opening salvo to go with the great television slot.
WWE is looking to get a more realistic style.
This is behind the signing of Norman Smiley, who was a worked shoot guy in Japan prior to being a comedy wrestler in WCW. The point of this isn’t to work more of an MMA style, but to make wrestling look better in High-Def.
There’s second guessing of Raw creative spending so much time with Santino Marella and Charlie Haas, since neither will draw.
That’s true for buyrates, but if either is on the television, I’m surely not changing the channel.
In other news, JBL actually isn’t the illegitimate lovechild of Honky Tonk Man and Stan Hansen. What was thought to be Hansen was really Bob Orton with chaps on. Reports that WWE is capitalizing on this by feuding JBL and Randy Orton are thus far unsubstantiated.
Happy Birthday to Stan “the Lariat†Hansen who turned 59 on Sunday.
Wrestling the Issue
Wrestling matches, particularly WWE matches generally follow the same format. The opening of the match is the babyface fire period. This is there the face avoids everything the heel throws at him, while delivering a beatdown. In more complex matches, this will involve the establishment of something the babyface is superior at that will play out through the rest of the match, whether it be through strength, mat wrestling, or numerous other abilities. For shorter or simpler matches though, all that’s important is that the babyface is superior.
The next portion of the match is the heel control or work over. This is usually begun, in simple WWE matches anyway, by a face making a mistake, whether missing a dive, being caught on a blind charge, or distracted by another heel. In more complex matches, the heel will generally take control because a face gets away from their strength, as explained above, and falls victim to something the heel is particularly good at. The heels control will then consist of them barely staying ahead, using their strength. If their strength is merely taking advantage of a mistake, the heel will generally try to ground the opponent with the most commonly used example of this being a chinlock.
Of course, the face being a better wrestler, he will make a comeback (after several hope spots, where he tries to come back and comes up just short, building tension). This often occurs when the heel whips the face into the ropes. The face will then hit a big move and struggle to rise, his great effort resulting in a groggy opponent while he regains his wits, leaving both men back at square one, but with an idea of each other’s weaknesses.
This usually leads into a finishing sequence. The finishing sequence is the face trying to do what was successful earlier to put the heel away, while the heel attempts to force a mistake again to regain advantage. The heel will now likely be trying outright cheating, whether by weapons, distractions or illegal maneuvers, to regain the advantage. If this succeeds before the face can put them away, or the face makes another mistake, the heel wins. If not, then the face comes out victorious. Of course, in a longer match, a finishing sequence may go quite long, or even be teased, leading into another work over before the real finishing. The structure stays relatively simple, but all the twist on the psychology, the wrestlers personality, and the story have kept this an entertaining performance for the better part of a century.
The Smarkish Raw Ranty Short Review Thing for Raw, 10/13/08
I missed the first few moments of Raw because I was taking a Steve Austin. When I returned, I found that yet again Chris Jericho was opening Raw with a promo. This one is about how unfair it is that Randy Orton, Shawn Michaels and Steve Austin are the guest referee options for his match with Batista at Cyber Sunday. He has a good point, which he seems to pretty regularly, even though he is a heel. It’s a weird tact to take, but he’s smarmy enough to still be hated.
Shawn Michaels comes out to announce that he wouldn’t call the match fairly, though he’d like to. Well, that’s not very face-like. He then attacks Jericho. Well, that worked well. Chris Jericho got to choose Batista’s opponent tonight apparently, and chooses Shawn Michaels. Good way to make sure Batista and Shawn have an issue if Shawn’s voted in. Still, this is a weird segment with the heel being treated unfairly, complaining properly, and having a face beat him up to emphasize that this is, in fact, unfair. I guess they want people to pay to see Jericho get his comeuppance, but that’s a far shakier proposition than just building a must-see match.
Match 1: Rey Mysterio and Matt Hardy vs. Kane and Mark Henry with Tony Atlas
Hm, déjà vu match.
Rey vs. Kane for Cyber Sunday with the crowd picking the stipulation between Falls Count Anywhere, No Holds Barred, and 2 out of 3 falls match. A and B are basically the same. C has no chance of winning.
I’m bored of this before it happens. I’ll summarize at the end. Let’s discuss Kane instead. Kane has almost become relevant again numerous times. There was legit drawing power and curiosity about the mask loss and, really, if he had become a badass killer, face or heel at that point, he’d be a main eventer still. Sadly, he was quickly shifted to that weird Lita pregnancy angle. Since then he’s basically been a jobber to the stars, face or heel, putting over guys on their way up the card. He returned to Raw with an interesting crazy angle that was building momentum… but was again yanked from the main event and never given a shot, despite the potential for Kane vs. Punk vs. Batista to build. Then he had something going with Rey and the mask deal, only for Rey to return to be fully normal. Now, Rey wasn’t needed for the Scramble match, with the Scramble itself being the draw and it could at least have been built with him looking and acting different. He acted the same, so Kane was wasted again. I’m not a huge Kane mark, but every time he’s built any momentum for the past five years or so he’s been cut off for no good reason.
Matt started off great, got beat on, tagged to Rey. They had a melee with Rey doing great until he stopped to save Matt form Henry. He then dives into a boot and Kane pins him.
Kane and Henry defeat Matt and Rey (Pin, Boot, *)
Vote two out of three falls for the perverse weirdness of such a mismatch for so long.
Batista speaks of facing Shawn Michaels, someone he hated several months ago for retiring Ric Flair, you know, without actually saying Flair’s name… because “the greatest wrestler ever†no longer exists… you know. At least they remembered Batista and Shawn hate each other this week, even if we’re not allowed to think of why. Orwell would have a field day with this.
Match 2: Cowboy Honky Orton vs. Charlie Haas
CHO whines about the economy. He gives his usual “protect the rich†speech. I read www.stormwrestling.com. “Real American†plays and its Charlie Haas again. If you didn’t realize this would be Haas, you really need to stop watching wrestling and start smoking pot. It kills your sperm cells so hopefully you won’t reproduce.
JBL beats up Haas who does a Hogan impression and is fairly successful. Since JBL is a top card guy, doesn’t it look terrible that he’s actually falling for Hogan’s routine without the camp value of actually having it come from Hulk?
CHO wins with the Clothesline from Memphis.
CHO defeats Haas Hogan (Pin, Clothesline from Memphis, dud)
Well, since it’s my column, I’ll answer- it looks terrible.
Johnny Knoxville is interviewed about him mocking The Great Khali. Oh, those guys! If you were 15 when the Jackass fad hit, you’re now about 25. If you still care about what Johnny Knoxville does, see earlier about smoking pot, but instead, just light your penis on fire. I’m taking no chances with this…
A video airs about John Cena’s past. Awesome that they’re admitting heels were clearly right when they said that he was just a poser for all those years. Meanwhile, the video tells us he’s genuine. Genuinely a poser.
Randy Orton’s terrible music is on, so he’s out with a mic. Orton asks for no one to vote for him so he doesn’t put himself in physical jeopardy right before his return. That’s pretty awesome. He’s so much better when he isn’t wrestling, unless his music is playing. In that case, bring on the chinlocks.
Match 3: Batista vs. Shawn Michaels
Jericho announces that this is a lumberjack match and out come all the heels. In come all the commercials.
Whoa, they mentioned Flair and his being the cause of this rivalry! The match pales in comparison to that. They do not a lot, Michaels gets the figure four and both men act like their three minute match has gone for twenty. This is like a parody.
They trade control and Batista gets a chin lock. Michaels escapes but runs into a back drop. Batista sells his leg during that, a nice touch that almost covers that this match has gone all of five minutes. More chinlock. Guys, Orton is outside the ring. Pick it up.
They don’t pick it up. Michaels forgets to raise his foot on a charge, so they re-do it and this time Michaels gets his leg up, then stands there for a few moments before going for a roll up. Oh no, that was only a hope spot. More Batista control and he tries to throw Michaels out, but Michaels skins the cat before walking into a Bossman slam. Shawn is clotheslined to the floor and Henry beats up Shawn before throwing him in for a near fall into commercials. Let us take this time to reminisce about Shawn making guys far less skilled than Batista look like solid gold (Nash, Sid… even Hogan).
We’re back in time for Michaels to escape a bearhug. Batista tries a spear, but falls to the floor. Orton tries the kick, but misses and Batista gets back in. Michaels has an advantage and tries the big elbow, but Bradshaw tosses Shawn off the top.
Both men rise at once and Batista hits a spinebuster. A Batista bomb is countered and both men hit the floor. The lumberjacks attack chasing men into the ring and getting the match thrown out. The faces fight off all the heels.
Batista and Shawn Michaels go to a no contest (Lumberjack interference, Dud)
Why do a terrible 15 minute match if you’re just going to waste the ending anyway? Batista is going for the title. Shawn isn’t and is permanently over. Batista should have gone over to give Shawn an issue with him going into the PPV. At least they protected that up-and-comer HBK. At least two faces beat up the entire roster of heels and for once Triple H wasn’t involved.
Batista and Shawn shake hands. So… vote for Shawn if you want Jericho screwed, but don’t pay for the PPV because you should know what’ll happen if Shawn wins. That’s what the WWE put over in this segment.
Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix come out. This should be awesome. Honky should destroy Piper and Goldust in his vote. Goldust was a fun gimmick and Piper was Intercontinental champion for a couple of months, while Honky Tonk Man was the greatest Intercontinental champion EVER! Santino says it’s a choice between Honky and two cross-dressers, before turning his attention to Johnny Knoxville. Johnny calls Beth a man and she slaps him in response, then slams and stomps him for good measure. There’s a payoff I can get behind! Hornswaggle hits the tadpole splash on Knoxville, too.
A fat guy comes and dances with the other Jackass guy. The Boogeyman returns and the fat guy runs away. The Jackass guy eats worms. The Great Khali is out last to put the finishing touches on Knoxville. This has gone on for far, far too long. I’d wish you never had children if you enjoyed this, but I’m sure if you did you’re either seven and think girls are yucky or no woman would ever touch you to begin with. Cole used the phrase “And it just got worse from there.†You and I are in full agreement Michael. If that went a quarter of the time, it would have been awesome. As is- torturous.
Miz and Morrison rap while Jillian sings badly about Cryme Tyme. This is the exact wrong segment to put after the abortion that was the Jackass crossover. Just a reminder, if you’re pregnant by someone who enjoyed that, abortions are fine until your third trimester!
Match 4: Cryme Tyme and Kelly Kelly vs. Miz, John Morrison and Jillian Hall
Face heat, heel distraction, heel beatdown on JTG. A hot tag leads to a STO for the Gaspar win.
Cryme Tyme and Kelly Kelly defeat Miz, Morrison and Hall (Pin, STO, *)
Short and inoffensive at least.
Jericho has a mystery opponent next. Are you ready for CM Punk?
Match 5: Chris Jericho vs. CM Punk
More clobberin’ time! My kittens are now a few weeks old and growing well, thanks for asking.
The special guest referee for this match is Batista. WWE apparently loves this match as, off the top of my head, this is their fifth meeting on Raw this year. Why isn’t Batista just beating the hell out of Jericho here?
Punk immediately gives Jericho a beating and Jericho tries to leave. Batista tosses him back in the ring and Punk gets his variation of the tarantula before coming off the top with a top rope cross body. Punk’s beatdown continues, but he tried to go up top and was swept off the ropes.
Jericho gains control for a beatdown. The flow is disrupted by Jericho consistently jawing with Batista, but the Punk Jericho chemistry is good enough to carry that. Jericho went for the running bulldog, but Punk runs him into the middle turnbuckle and unloads with strikes. The corner knee is countered, but Punk manages to nail the running knee and he goes for the Go to Sleep. Jericho counters with the Codebreaker, but Batista forgets to count three, having something in his eye. Jericho eats a Batista bomb and Punk covers for the win.
CM Punk defeats Chris Jericho (Pin, Batista Bomb, **)
Jericho should have tried to cheat, taken a shot from Batista and then lost relatively cleanly to keep Punk strong, not had the clear win then been screwed. All of this screwing over of Jericho when he’s just trying to wrestle clean matches is really strange. Jericho is now the underdog I’m supposed to root against. If you say so WWE. I say, “No Soup for you, NEXT!â€
The Middle W
This isn’t a reference to our soon to be ex-President, but rather the Wrestling in World Wrestling Entertainment. Jim Cornette once said “Wrestling fans tune into a wrestling show to watch wrestlers wrestle.†For me, at the very least, this is certainly the case and I watch a ton of wrestling from all around the world. Each week I’ll be attempting to broaden WWE fans horizons with a review of a great match they might not have ever seen or even heard of.
I’ve gotten a lot of e-mails and instant messages since I began this column asking me about Stan Hansen. Hansen was a major draw in the states for the 70s and part of the 1980s. Bruno Sammartino claims he did his best business with Hansen in a WWWF Cage Match at Madison Square Garden, while he was also a big deal in the AWA. In the early 1980s, Hansen was a NJPW regular, but after New Japan stole Abdullah the Butcher from All Japan, Terry Funk convinced Hansen to jump over to All Japan where he’d become one of the best gaijin (foreigners) in Japanese history. Hansen was a big, tough bruiser, who really is incomparable to pretty much anyone in his ability to lay a credible beating on people, yet still make them look great. He through a vicious Western Lariat wildly and stiffly that seemed to go right through opponents.
In the match we’ll be reviewing today, Hansen takes on a young Kenta Kobashi in 1993. Kobashi, for those who don’t know, is an amazing babyface, who has likely had more great matches over the last twenty years than anyone in any country. Kobashi is a young guy looking to really step up against the established veteran Hansen and the result is one of both men’s best matches of their career. I know I can’t name five better Kobashi matches, and there won’t even be three better Hansen matches. If you want to find this one, e-mail me at hbk826@gmail.com and I’ll help you out. Fair warning though, the video quality is poor.
7/29/93
Stan Hansen vs. Kenta Kobashi
They’re both tentative momentarily to begin, but Hansen decides “eff that!†and begins slapping Kobashi across the face numerous times. Kobashi, being a young face, gets fired up and just starts throwing CHOPS to Hansen’s face. He makes the mistake of running the ropes, giving Hansen a chance to breathe and so is smashed down.
Hansen tries to throw Kobashi to the floor, a tactic that not only lets the older Hansen catch a breather, but also allows Hansen to flash his unparalleled brawling dominance. Kobashi knows the trick from previous encounters though, and jumps right back in to assault the veteran. Kobashi again charges Hansen and again pays for it. Hansen is too experienced to let Kobashi get an advantage that way, so as he clubbers down the upstart, he locks in a chinlock (this ain’t your Orton variety chinlock, no sir) to slow Kobashi down, while working over the neck and face.
Kobashi is, impressively, showing he can physically match Hansen at this point, something few can ever claim, as he powers out of the chinlock to hit another dropkick. Kobashi decides to strike at Hansen, learning running assaults don’t work, but is clubberred for his trouble. The term “clubbering†was surely invented for Stan Hansen.
Feeling the beating, Kobashi changes tactics yet again and goes with mat wrestling, trying to ground Hansen, while assaulting the arm so that he can’t throw his big lariat. This is finally effective and lets Kobashi control the arm for several minutes, until Kobashi becomes lackadaisical with strikes at the arm, allowing Hansen to shoot the leg and hold on for dear life while he recovers. Kobashi maintains his mat advantage and turns this into a cross armbreaker (a hugely painful move), forcing Hansen to the ropes.
Hansen bails from the ring and this time Kobashi follows. Kobashi unbelievably presses his advantage successfully on the floor, using chops and arm work even out there to keep the Lariat on the defensive. Back in, the arm work continues, despite Hansen’s constant attempted clubbering.
Kobashi lacks a finish that will harm the arm, so he begins to mix in strikes with his arm work, wearing down Hansen for later big moves. Thus far, the young gun Kobashi has a perfectly executed plan. During this though, notice Hansen’s selling. He’s shaken and battered but fighting back constantly from every position, no matter how unconventional.
The battle spills from the ring again, with Hansen showing more fire, but Kobashi is too quick to his feat and Hansen eats a DDT on concrete. Kobashi’s strategy has evolved at this point. Head work is the priority, with arm work to keep Hansen grounded and ensure he isn’t hit with a lariat out of nowhere. Kobashi emphasizes his success by choosing to keep Hansen on the floor.
Naturally, this is a mistake. Kobashi attempts a dive, but Stan is ready and drives Kobashi head first to the floor. Both rise at the same time, but Hansen is now a step quicker and runs Kobashi over. Hansen grabs a chair on the floor and beats Kobashi to a pulp (fully legal in Japan) evening the field quickly from the beating he just took. This shows a lack of honor and the crowd gets wildly behind their native hero.
Kobashi works his way back in and gets stiffed on his way, then some more once he enters. Hansen is clearly slowed and tired, but won’t stop his assault and hits hard enough that Kobashi is just being crushed. A gutwrench powerbomb, the biggest move of the match, shows just how far and quickly the tide has turned.
Hansen thinks he’s got this, so he whips Kobashi into the ropes. Kobashi shows he’s learned from earlier and fires back with a flurry, quickly sending Hansen back on the defensive.
It’s clubberin’ time and both men go to war! Neither can gain an advantage as whenever they try for a big move, the other has a stiff shot waiting. Kobashi keeps trying a sleeper on the older, winded opponent, but Hansen refuses to let it stay on, making sure Kobashi pays for each attempt. Kobashi does lock it in, but when he goes for the pin after, Hansen kicks out!
Kobashi goes to work with five leg drops, as Hansen can’t escape. Hogan’s finisher just looked far cooler than anyone else has ever made it. Hansen still won’t stay down. Kobashi expends energy trying to get a deadweight Hansen up, but is clocked with a big right hand for his efforts. That buys Hansen just enough recovery time to kick out of Kobashi’s next move, the DDT.
Kobashi goes for his big finish, the Moonsault, but Hansen is out of the way. Hansen responds to how close he just was to falling and hits a flurry, much like Kobashi’s earlier in the match. Kobashi sees his life flash before his eyes and runs out with a quick lariat. Both men are down!
Both men rise and Hansen counters a charge for a near fall, but Kobashi has the answer to a powerbomb for another near fall! Kobashi tries a second rope assault, but the Lariat gets his arm up! Kobashi’s head is in the third row! That gets three!
Hansen defeats Kobashi (Pin, Western Lariat, **** ¾)
Kobashi came into this match with a fantastic plan to beat Hansen at his own game, fully prepared with a ton of options to keep Hansen on the defensive. Of course, the young gun made the mistake of being overly cocky, playing into Hansen’s strengths too much, and allowed Hansen to deliver a ton of damage very quickly. From there, Hansen, recovered, just wouldn’t stay down to Kobashi’s assault and, when Kobashi stopped the arm work, was able to effectively counter Kobashi’s strategy. One Western Lariat is all it took from there.
If old-school storytelling is your thing and video quality doesn’t bug you, then this is must see. If you prefer better quality, I’m sure I could find you something for that as well. Until tomorrow, I remain Pulse Glazer and this is The Wrestling Analyst.
