Michelle: Episode 6 and we’re ready to rokk! Murtz? Um… Murtz?! Hey, has any one seen Murtz?
Brooke: Michelle! I think Murtz is gone!!! All that’s left is this note…. “To whom it may concern, Eliza and I are living it up in Houston. See you if/when I return. XOXO Murtz.”
Michelle: Holy Turtle Gumbo, Murtzettes! Murtz isn’t here! Brooke, it’s up to you and me to take it on this week. (Reminds me of that time Murtz was on Inside the Box.) And I think to kick off the column, I want to talk about my favorite Survivor topic. Weight loss. We’ve got a lot of whiners and complainers this episode but who’s really whittling away? Randy and Ace are looking quite thin. Well, for Randy at least thin for him. As for the girls though, I’m not seeing the weight loss. Are you?
Brooke: You’re so right, Michelle. There seems to be an awful lot of whining for a season with more food to start with than others. I don’t think any of the girls have had a dramatic weight loss at this point. Maybe Kelly, but she was thin to begin with. However, the immunity challenge had a lot of blurred out chests on the ladies from slipping swimsuit tops and buffs, which is usually caused by weight loss up top. Any bets Murtz noticed that too? How do you think the teams are holding up?
Michelle: ::laughs:: I’m aghast at the poor teamwork on Fang! Any seasoned veteran knows that that’s the key to winning challenges. (Oh, but I guess having a bunch of strong people on ones side doesn’t hurt either…) But there always seems to be a cursed team every season, and they’ve got so much momentum on the teamwork-less train—They’ve got to be praying for a merge soon.
Brooke: Yeah, I think Fang is a sinking shipping. Even if they’re not the type of team to sit around the camp fire signing “Kumbayah,” at least they could try not to fight with each other for the duration of the challenges. I don’t think Dr. Phil would even touch that team with a ten-foot poll!
Michelle: No kidding! They might just be beyond help for now. As Jeff always tells them, they’ve got to dig real deep– But something tells me some of these people didn’t have very far, even in the begining, before they hit the bottom.
Brooke: Ok, Michelle, the time has come ::drumroll:: to get started with our first Murtz-free column of the season!!!
BROOKE AND MICHELLE’S PURGATORY
ACE
Michelle: Murtz and I have done this feature in the past—When a player is somewhere in the middle of the Survivor see-saw, they fall into purgatory ::cue the music:: And without The Man bringing us down this week, I say let’s take this matter in our own hand. It’s a week of purgatory players, and let’s kick it off with Ace. He’s a clever fellow, with Matty, Sugar, and an idol in his pocket. Unfortunately for him, people can tell he’s sneaky. (Too bad Kenny went barking up the entirely wrong tree for support on that front!) Ace has some pretty good cards in his hand. But why does he still seem like such a villain?
Brooke: Ace comes off as a villian because he’s just too cocky. As charming as he tries to be around his teammates, his true colors shine through under pressure. (He lashed out at Sugar when she was the caller for him during the ball rolling challenge last episode, he hogged the flag building portion of the immunity challenge this time, and every tribal council you catch him smirking when other players are talking.) Maybe Crystal was right when she called him a “tyrant” and a “bully.” But, Ace has a chance because he’s smart, personable, and one of the most athletic men this season. Thus, perfect purgatory position. He better get his ego in check fast!
SUGAR
Brooke: I think I’m lost. What is Sugar’s strategy??? She is in danger of being voted off because her team discovered she has the idol… so she secretly gives the idol to Ace? And this accomplishes what? Ummm, they’d still vote her off because they’d still think she has the idol. Only she wouldn’t actually have the idol to save her…. Hmmm, maybe it’s such a brilliant strategy that I can’t comprehend it. Or, maybe it’s just as idiotic as it sounds. Can you enlighten me Michelle?
Michelle: Sugar is somewhere in the middle of extremely bad decisions but advantageous situations. Sugar is an idiot. No, I take it back. She’s just not a player for this game. Why would she voluntarily give away the idol. Even more, why would she have no intention of playing it?! Doesn’t she know she’s playing a game? Crying while she’s surrounded by fruit. This is no time to play charity. She spills the beans about giving the idol to Ace. She’s a strategic mess. Bless her heart, but this is Survivor!
CRYSTAL
Michelle: Tears and drama. You can tell everyone else is grasping at straws to point fingers at this point. I don’t blame her for sobbing after constant losses. I know the feeling. (Let’s face it, back in my Ravu days there was no lovin’ feeling.) But I do blame her for her overreaction and paranoia to what other people think. When you start acting like you’ve lost it… Well, as they say, quacks like a duck…
Brooke: Quack quack is right. Crystal barely qualifies for purgatory. She’s got more going against her than for her. Her “Olympic” athletic skills have yet to shine through. Especially in running challenges! If she’s sandbagging it to lay low then she’s accomplished her goal. No one out there would ever guess she was an Olympic runner. Also, her attitude stinks. She makes excuses and cries, instead of motivating her team. And, to flip off Kelly as she wrote down her name at Tribal Council is just poor sportsmanship. I hope she was on better behavior when she represented the U.S. at the Olympics!
MICHELLE’S PICK
Best line of the night: “Personally, I just think her personality sucks.” – Kelly
“I love winning challenges. But more importantly, I love watching them lose.” – Randy
“Randy to me– he’s a troll.” – Crystal
“I knew that they would probably send me to exile.” – Sugar
BROOKE’S PICK
Best line of the night: “Every night I dream about food, my dog, and my girlfriend.” -Matty
“The challenge was challenging.” -Ace
“Whaaa whaaa whaaa!” -Randy (mocking Crystal’s tears)
“Randy is a troll under the bridge.” -Crystal
“I’m not crying over those dawgone Danishes.” -Ace (also mocking Crystal’s tears)
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