The Divorcees bring out the drama-llama again this week, confronting Nick/Starr over their attempt to U-Turn them and other crap. Ken/Tina are the first to open the clue – and they’re off to Auckland, New Zealand, where they must go to Gulf Harbor and untie a Gordian knot to find the next clue. I had a camp counselor from New Zealand once, she was pretty crazy. Teams use the Internet to look up flight information, and the last-place divorcees get lucky, because everyone ends up on the same flight. Aja/Ty are starting to feel the effects of being together all the time, and are bickering over stupid stuff. Guys, you’re my only team left… don’t melt down on me.
Terrance is a ‘tard and doesn’t read the signs right, missing the turn to the harbor and giving up their lead. Aja/Ty are driving along when there’s a *BOOM*… and that’s not good. Sure enough, it’s a flat tire – and Ty has no idea how to fix it. Of course, no teams stop and help, so Aja tries to flag down a car. This is looking good.
Ken/Tina, Team Superbad, and Terrance/Sarah get to the harbor and find the knots. Superbad finds the clue first, and the next route marker is the summit of Mt. Eden There’s also the appearance of the first Fast Forward, a challenge where a team can skip all challenges and go straight to the Pit Stop, of the season. To complete the Fast Forward, a team must go to the Auckland Sky Tower – the highest structure in the Southern Hemisphere – and use maintenance ladders to get to the top. Um, I’m not a fan of heights, so count me out. Ken/Tina and Team Superbad race off to the Fast Forward, and Ken/Tina get there first – meaning Superbad’s outta luck.
Terrance/Sarah are the first team to Mt. Eden and open the clue, and it’s the Road Block. This week one person must choose an image of a traditional Maori face tattoo, then find the warrior with the same tattoo to get their next clue. Terrance screws up the first time, but is rewarded with a little Eskimo kiss when he succeeds the second time. The Divorcees prove their intelligence once again, claiming there’s no way to get to the summit by car – so they proceed to job up the mountain. Toni decides to do the Road Block for their team, and Dallas is just afraid that the warriors are going to eat his mom. Honey, this is a national TV show, I don’t think they’d let your mom get eaten by cannibals.
Meanwhile, we’re shown progress of Ken/Tina’s climb up the tower – and shit, if I were Tina, I’d be panicking right now. If I was that high up and the thing started swaying like that, yeah, I’d be screaming for someone to get me down. Terrance/Sarah are first to the hotel – there they must go to the room and use binoculars to find a Travelocity Roaming Gnome doing some New Zealand activity in the town. Once located, they must get the gnome and their next clue. I have some hope for Aja/Ty now, because the Blondes just/i> got to the harbor… and went right past the knot. Good job, ladies.
Team Superbad drive by the Divorcees on their way up the mountain, proving that a female team has a snowball’s chance in hell to win. Tina/Ken finally make it to the top of the tower. Superbad and the Divorcees end up getting to the Road Block at the same time, and Kelly finds her warrior before FatBoy. FatBoy succeeds, and then looks terrified when the Maori warrior goes to give him the nosebump. Terrance/Sarah and Toni/Dallas spot gnomes, and while they struggle to find them, Ken/Tina get to head to the Pit Stop at Summerhill.
Terrance/Sarah get the next clue, and they must drive to a place called Kiwi 360°. Nick/Starr are at the Road Block, while Superbad and the Divorcees are looking for a gnome. The Blondes are in last, and silly Brooke is scared of the Maori warrior by the cluebox. As I’ve said before, they’re not cannibals and will not eat you. Ken/Tina are (obviously) first to the Pit Stop, where they are greeted by Phil’s dad. I had watched this episode once through before watching it to blog, and I didn’t understand he was saying “Phil’s Dad” until now because of his accent. A sheep gives a ‘WTF’ face when Tina squeals in victory.
Terrance/Sarah get the next clue, and its Detour time – Matter of Time, or Matter of Skill. Matter of Time involves stomping on kiwi’s with their feet until they squeeze 12 quarts of juice. Matter of Skill involves going to Blo-Kart Heaven (okay, I know I’m not the only one who thought that sounds dirty. Then again, my mind has been in the gutter a lot recently), assemble a pair of blo-karts, and sail three laps around the course. And I won’t be able to read or hear ‘blo-kart’ again without giggling.
Terrance/Sarah and Toni/Dallas decide to stomp kiwis, along with Team Superbad shortly after. Toni claims that smashing stuff looked more fun when Lucy and Ethel did it. Lucy and Ethel were also squashing grapes, not kiwis, mind you. They give up and head over to the blo-karts. Terrance/Sarah finish, and are second to reach the sheep farm, Summerhill, which is the Pit Stop. Superbad whines about the fruit and rocks hurting, then decide to quit and head to the karts, along with Nick/Starr. Toni/Dallas finish their laps as Superbad and Nick/Starr build their kart.
The Divorcees finish squishing their fruit, as Aja/Ty and the Blondes choose the kiwis, and the Divorcees are 3rd to the Pit Stop. Nick/Starr complete a lap, then Starr takes a horrible wipeout and thinks her arm’s broken. See, this is why I would have chosen the kiwis, because my spastic ass would be the one getting hurt if I tried this. She finishes her laps, and then STARTS DRIVING THE CAR! You think your arm’s broke, and then you’re trying to drive? Smart.
Toni/Dallas come in 4th, Aja/Ty go to the karts, and Superbad finishes their laps. Nick/Starr come in 5th, Superbad 6th. Blondes go to the kiwis, and they finish as Aja/Ty finish their laps. And thankfully, Aja/Ty come in 7th – meaning I still have a team! Now next week, they are definitely due for a non-elimination leg. Work with me here!
Kiera Vallone hails from Long Island, NY. She is currently a junior-year journalism student at SUNY Purchase.
