The SmarK 24/7 Rant for the Essential Starrcade : Part One
– So this was a fan-voted collection of the top 25 Starrcade matches in history in celebration of the 25th anniversary of the first one, and Mean Gene counts them down. This show features the first five, shown complete.
#25: Hulk Hogan v. Rowdy Roddy Piper
This was the main event of Starrcade 96, and was more of an event match than a “good” match. Hogan does the big stall to start and then gives Piper a couple of cheap slaps off the lockup. Piper slugs back and Hogan bails. Back in and they exchange more old man punches before Piper grabs a headlock. Yeah, we’re five minutes in and Piper is just getting to the headlock now. Hulk tries to suplex out, but Piper holds on. Hulk necksnaps him on the ropes to break it up and they “brawl” outside, as this thing is so dull that it’s managed to kill the super-hot crowd already. Back in, Piper comes back with a clothesline and a half-dropkick half-enzuigiri that puts Hogan out for more stalling. Piper retrieves a belt and uses that around ringside and back into the ring, then chokes Hogan out with it back in the ring. Apparently this is not enough for a DQ. Dibiase trips Piper up and that still falls within the rules, and that allows Hulk to jump him from behind and take over on the floor. We get more brawling so soft that they might as well be using those giant talking Hulk hand toys to hit each other, and it’s back in again where Hulk takes over. He works on the hip and applies an abdominal stretch as we get a weird closeup of Piper’s hip surgery scar. Fun fact: I have the same scars on my hips from leg operations I had as a kid. Plus we’re both Scottish and from Saskatoon, so it’s like we’re family. Anyway, the boring match continues as Piper comes back with a small package for two, and an eye poke into a suplex for two. Both guys sell it like death. Because, it’s, you know, a particularly devastating suplex I guess. Gravity is such a bitch. Hogan gets up first and tries the legdrop, but it misses and Piper does a Riverdance to celebrate. And now it’s nWo time, as Giant comes in for the chokeslam and some mo-tard fan tries to run in and gets taken out by the police. Piper finishes Hogan with the sleeper at 15:35. This may have been one of the worst matches in the history of Starrcade, and certainly one of, if not the worst, main event in the show’s history. Plus it was a non-title match so nothing was on the line. -**
#24: Sting v. The Great Muta
From the largely-forgotten Starrcade 89. This was the second match for both guys in the Iron Man tournament, a misguided notion if there ever was one. They trade full nelsons to start and Muta mule kicks him into the corner and pounds on him, then goes to a headlock, but Sting monkey-flips out of it and follows with a snap suplex for two. He follows with an atomic drop and quickly goes for the Scorpion, but Muta makes the ropes and bails. Back in, Muta rakes the eyes and then drops the power elbow, moving into CATTLE MUTILATION! Sting does a slick reversal and hammers away on the mat, then goes into a press slam for two. Sting goes to the chinlock, but Muta takes him into the corner and pounds him with shoulders, then chokes away and hits the backbreaker to set up the moonsault. It misses, but Muta lands on his face and spinkicks Sting down instead. He goes back up and Sting dropkicks him off and finishes with a superplex at 8:41. Some really cool stuff, but it’s the lesser of their series. ***
#23: WCW World tag titles: Ricky Steamboat & Shane Douglas v. Barry Windham & Brian Pillman
From Starrcade ’92, this was the precursor to the Steamboat & Douglas v. Hollywood Blondes series, of course. Pillman was newly heel at this point and not quite as awesome as he would later get. Pillman starts with Douglas and gets a sunset flip for two, but Douglas fights back, so Pillman chokes him out on the ropes. Shane tries a rollup, but Pillman blocks, so Shane dropkicks him out to the ramp and the champs double-team Windham for good measure. The heels bail and regroup, and it’s Windham against Steamboat next. Ricky chops him down and brings him to the corner for some double-teams, and Douglas hits the chinlock. Barry suplexes out of it, but the Dragon tags back in and necksnaps him, then clotheslines him to the floor after stopping to give Pillman a cheapshot. Jesse notes that he suspected Steamboat had it in him all along. Douglas slams Windham on the ramp and then Steamboat tosses him back in, and a neckbreaker gets two. Nice bumping from Barry here, even as his motivation was dying off. Douglas hits the chinlock, but Barry escapes with a jawjacker and it’s over to Pillman, who rams Shane into the mat and pounds away in the corner to take over. Nice subtle spot as Pillman whips Douglas into the corner, where a nicely timed Windham back elbow awaits, but Shane dropkicks Pillman over the top and into the railing. Douglas goes up, but stops to jaw at Windham in ANOTHER sharply-timed spot, and Pillman dropkicks Douglas to the floor in a great bump. And so the challengers take over, as Windham puts Douglas down with a headbutt and they double-team him in their corner.
Douglas continues dying for my entertainment, as Windham is really getting into it now and tosses him for a spectacular bump. And then STEAMBOAT runs over with a CHAIR and blasts Windham with it! Douglas wants the tag, but cheaters never prosper because Pillman cuts him off with a backdrop suplex for two. Back to the heel corner, as Windham comes off the top with a fistdrop and follows with another backdrop suplex for two. Pillman continues the beating for two. Windham tries a suplex and Douglas reverses, and he falls into the hot tag. Steamboat chops everyone, but gets powerslammed by Windham, who follows immediately with a backdrop suplex. And with the ref distracted, Pillman tosses Steamboat over the top and Windham introduces him to the post. Steamboat’s selling here is just off the hook. He fights back in with a flying chop, but Pillman fires right back and then takes him down with a tilt-a-whirl headscissors for two. Dragon keeps fighting back on Windham and rams him into the mat, selling like he’s been shot in the gut and has 10 minutes to live the whole way, and it’s another hot tag to Douglas. He slugs both challengers down, and Windham brawls with Steamboat out to the ramp. Pillman charges at Douglas, but walks into the belly-to-belly and Steamboat trips up Windham and prevents him from saving, as the champs retain at 20:00. I have no idea where my low original rating came from, because this was a fucking awesome tag match with hard work from everyone involved and crazy subtle stuff going on for repeat viewings. Plus Steamboat getting the shit kicked out of him to draw the heat is always amazing to watch. ****1/2
#22: WCW World title: Goldberg v. Kevin Nash
From Starrcade ’98. Big pop for Nash here, which is probably how he kept himself from crying in his sleep at night afterwards when he thought about how he destroyed the business. They fight for the lockup to start and Nash grabs a headlock, but Goldberg suplexes out of it. Back in, Nash throws the knees in the corner and Goldberg counters the boot choke by pushing Nash over, and they trade some laughable submission holds on the mat. Goldberg pounds away, but Nash finally gets his choke in the corner. Goldberg ducks the big boot and spears Nash. Big Kev goes low to stop the Jackhammer, and gets the sideslam and elbow for two. Running choke gets two. Clothesline gets two. Goldberg comes back with a neckbreaker and suplex for two. The Bretkiller Kick and powerslam get two. Why couldn’t that superkick have put a hole in Nash’s head instead of Bret’s? And then the run-ins start, with Disco Inferno and Bam Bam Bigelow occupying Goldberg’s time, and finally Scott Hall appears with a cattle prod to put him down, and the Poochiebomb ends the undefeated streak and gives Nash the title at 11:19. For reasons that elude me, the win provokes a giant pop from the crowd. Well, some people still buy New Coke, so stupid people are everywhere, I guess. The match itself was booked as one of those Hogan-Warrior deals where it’s supposed to be super-epic, but neither guy can pull epic off. Nash’s title reign, of course, would be the very definition of epic, leading to the Fingerpoke of Doom atrocity on Nitro. So it’s good times all around here. **
#21: Battlebowl Battle Royale
The main event of Starrcade 91, this whole silly deal had Dusty’s fingerprints all over it. After all the mixed tag team silliness this is just a 2-ring battle royale to end the show. It’s double-elimination, as going out means moving to the second ring, until one person wins the first ring and then another person wins the other ring and the two winners face off. We’ve got Vader, Marcus Bagwell, Jimmy Garvin, Dustin Rhodes, Bill Kazmaier, Jushin Liger, Steve Austin, Ricky Morton, Todd Champion, Abdullah the Butcher, Firebreaker Chip, Thomas Rich, Ron Simmons, Ricky Steamboat, Mr. Hughes, Scott Steiner, Lex Luger, Rick Rude, Arn Anderson and Sting. Usual milling around and punching to start. Vader and Steamboat have a thing on the ramp, as Ricky bumps around like crazy for him. Boy, there’s a feud that never happened for whatever reason and should have happened. Talk about the ultimate monster heel against the ultimate sympathetic babyface. Tommy Rich and Marcus Bagwell are the first entrants into the second ring, and they’re quickly joined by Chip via Mr. Hughes. Morton and Liger both tumble into the ring, giving them some room to move and Liger room to hit highspots. And after one too many, both guys go over the top and out of the match for good. Simmons tosses Mr. Hughes into the second ring and Rich goes out off-camera to eliminate him. Steamboat and Anderson end up in the second ring somehow, joined by the Patriots and Jimmy Garvin. Garvin quickly gets dumped out of the match by Champion, and Simmons bumps into the second ring. Over in the first ring, Sting and Rude fire away on each other, but both go into the second ring as a result. This leaves Luger and Vader, as Vader puts Luger down and splashes him, then follows with an avalanche in the corner. Odd that they picked a heel v. heel matchup to finish the first ring. Another charge hits Luger’s boot and he clotheslines Vader into the second ring to win part one of the battle royale.
So back in the second ring, much of the deadwood has been cleaned out and the big stars punch each other on the ropes. Arn goes up and gets dropkicked out of the match by Dustin, but Austin sends him out in turn. Simmons and Hughes put each other out and Vader gets clotheslined out by Steamboat, along with Scott Steiner and Mr. Hughes as they drop like flies. So it’s Sting, Steamboat, Austin and Rude left. The Dragon pounds Austin with chops and Sting whips Rude into him, then follows with a Stinger splash on Austin. The heels come back and pound on Sting, but Rude accidentally clotheslines Austin out by mistake. Rude tosses Steamboat, but Ricky skins the cat back in and takes Rude out with him. So Sting wins the second ring, but Rude is rude and lays Sting out with the Rude Awakening to show his frustration.
Finale: Lex Luger v. Sting. Luger slugs Sting down and follows with a clothesline out of the corner. Sting crawls up, so Luger hits him with an atomic drop and pounds away in the corner. He dumps Sting to the ramp, but Sting slams Harley Race out there, so Luger follows him out there and sends Sting into the railing. Sting comes back and brawls with the champ, and they head back in for Sting to beat on Luger in the corner. Race comes in and takes more bumps, but Sting misses the Stinger splash. Luger tosses him and celebrates, but Sting lands on the apron and comes back in for the comeback, and dumps Luger to win at 25:10. Too much concept and not enough meat on the bones here, as they got wrapped up in finding goofy ways to get guys from one ring to the other, but otherwise it was a pretty decent battle royale and set up the SuperBrawl II title match between Luger and Sting.
Love it so far, and there’s three more shows to come yet.
