This is not just any RAW Report. It’s gone SUPER-SIZED because the WWE knows that two hours of me isn’t enough…that you need three hours of me providing you with all the action you crave!
HIRING ALERT!
Pulse Wrestling is looking for talented individuals to join the team. We are in need of real-time recappers for ECW and TNA iMPACT! If you fit this description, or if you would rather have your own weekly column, submit an email to Matthew Michaels at matthew@wrestling.insidepulse.com with “WRITING SAMPLE” as the subject line, followed by what your sample consists of. I’ll cover ECW duties until that vacancy is filled and random Pulse writers will bite the bullet and cover TNA iMPACT!
WWE touts RAW being the longest running show in television history.
We’re LIVE on tonight’s 800th show celebration! Tampa, Florida is the place tonight and DX reunites for the 800th time to shut up the Miz & John Morrison. Also, the World Title is on the line inside a STEEL CAGE! Also, 16 divas will be in a huge tag match tonight!
Out comes Randy Orton and one can assume he’s going to talk about the ultimateum. Either Shane and Stephanie fire Mike Adamle, or Randy Orton walks. That’s fine with Randy, but he would much rather hold up the show, or sit down at ringside until they answer him.
Out come Matt & Jeff and they are in tag action TONIGHT!
The Hardys v. Montel Vontanious Porter & THE Brian Kendrick (w/Ezekiel Jackson)
Episode 764: Jeff Hardy flies 25 feet on top of Randy Orton
The bell sounds and Jeff and MVP start off. MVP with a tackle and two count to begin. Scoop slam hits, but the knee drop misses. Jeff takes and gets sent to the ropes. Yakuza kick misses, but Jeff’s leg drop doesn’t. That gets two and in comes Matt. Double team gets two for Matt and he goes to work as we get unnecessary shots of Orton. In comes Jeff and POETRY IN MOTION CONNECTS! That gets two. Turnbuckle dropkick is F*CKED UP and MVP tags in Kendrick. He goes to work quickly and gets two. He kicks Jeff and continues the pressure. Kendrick goes for THE KENDRICK, called wrong by MC, but that doesn’t surprise me. Jeff hits the Twist of Fate and tags in Matt. MVP is in and he walks into a forearm. Corner clothesline…BULLDOG & CLOTHESLINE COMBO on both men. Double sledge hits on MVP and so does the Side Effect. Kendrick breaks the pin attempt. Both men had the same idea, and they connect with dual clotheslines. Tag to Kendrick, but the referr didn’t see the the tag. This allows the Hardys to work over MVP. Twist of Fate connects as does the Swanton. Kendrick is all “f*ck this sh*t” and he bails. The Hardys get the pin on MVP.
Winners: The Hardys
Grade: B-
Episode 1: Bobby Heenan is locked out of RAW! Also there are some clips with the entire show. HAHA!
Commercials.
Episode 17: 1-2-3 Kid makes his debut and beats Razor Ramon.
We’re back and Orton is still at ringside and the ring is full of superstars!
Eight Man Over the Top Rope Battle Royal for a shot at the Intercontinental Championship Next Week
Participants: Manu, Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, JTG, Shad, Jamie Noble, Snitsky, & William Regal
Good luck in me following this right now. It’s balls to the wall to start. Noble and Rhodes are close to be eliminated in the early moments of the match. Santino is confident that he can beat everybody. Snitsky gets eliminated, but DiBiase decides to go on his own, taking out his own team. Noble is eliminated and he and Regal go at it. JTG is close to be gone. DiBiase hits a neckbreaker on Shad. DiBiase and Shad is left, though Regal hasn’t been really been eliminated yet. Shad gets hung up and gets sent out. Regal makes his way in and disposes of Ted DiBiase and he is your #1 Contender.
Winner: William Regal
Grade: N/A
RAW happens to be live in Manchester next week, so Santino is in trouble.
A long limo pulls up and it’s Vince McMahon…NOT! It’s Stephanie and Shane. Stephanie tells Shane to take care of this.
Commercials.
Episode 409: Shane McMahon shocks his father and is the WCW owner! The Invasion era was fun, I must say.
We’re back and Randy Orton is in the ring. He complains about his livelyhood, his well being, and his health in jeopardy. On top of that, Mike slapped him in the face last week. Either he goes, or Randy goes. What is the answer.
HERE COMES THE MONEY!
Shane hits the ring and he dances a bit. Shane doesn’t react well to aggressive tones or threats. Randy mentions Vince, but Shane is NOT his father. Enough about the father, let’s talk about Mike Adamle. Out comes Mr. Adamle, with a GRIN on his face! Before Shane can talk, Mike Adamle wants a rebuttal. Some GM’s have been good, and some have been bad. He wanted to remain neutral. He’s not going to let it happen to me. He’s getting emotional and by slapping Randy in the face, he did what he didn’t want to do. This job corrupts people. He RESIGNS as RAW General Manager! Shane is shocked. Randy isn’t buying it. Randy wants an apology, but Shane says that HE should be the only one apologizing. Shane addresses the injury and he talked to his doctors. Randy has been cleared for weeks now. Randy was going to miracously come back at Survivor Series tonight. But Shane says that he’ll be back tonight. Randy tries to backpedal, but he’s not prepared and he did not bring his gear. Shane has taken care of everything. Tonight, he will face CM PUNK! Randy is PISSED!
Commercials.
Episode 778:Â The Presidential Candidates get RAW!
Out comes the Moscow Mauler, Vladmir Koslov! I feel like I’m covering SmackDown right now.
Vladmir Koslov v. NOT Bret Hart, but Bret Haas
I just died…laughing. We get the infamous he screwed himself line. Haas kicks Koslov, he kics Haas back. Uranage Slam connects, so does the Human Wrecking Ball. That’s all.
Winner: Vladmir Koslov
Grade: F
Commercials.
At Cyber Sunday, Batista became the Champion! Speaking of Batista, he’s with T-Grish. He asks the dumb question. Batista won’t give the title up and Jericho has too many excuses for everything. DX will return tonight for the 800th time!
Episode 257: DX invades WCW.
DX walks together and the epic confrontation is NEXT!
Commercials.
SmackDown v. RAW 2009 is coming out this SUNDAY! Pony up and buy me the PS3 version so I can save money to buy the PS3 next month! Just kidding, but think of me sometime, will ya?
ARE YOU READY? DX comes out to the ring and they forget the mannerisms that they always do in the ring. They get mic time before the match, which is always fun. Triple H forgot the pyro. ARE YOU READY! Shawn isn’t ready, though. Last week, Miz & Morrison mocked DX and we get the recap of the Dirt Sheet! The expressions on their face is priceless! IT COULD HAD BEEN US! It has’t been done since last week! Actually, someone did it in section 4. Shawn talks about Trip’s nose. The part that is unforgivable, they mocked the chaps. Anyone can beat his wife up, talk about the kids, but talking about the chaps is crossing the line! Trips talks about Shawn’s receeding hairline. Shawn kills that dead. While DX was revolutionizing the industry, Miz & Morrison were in high school. Miz & Morrison were guys that got beat up in high school, and tonight will be no different.
Flashback to Miz having fun with Big Dick Johnson! Trips makes gay jokes about Miz and Morrison. They are tired of this and they interrupt Shawn’s line. The match is NEXT!
Commercials.
Degeneration X v. The Miz & John Morrison
We’re JIP as Morrison has Trips down for a two count. He locks on a headlock. Knee to the gut connects and we go corner to corner. Trips EXPLODES with a clothesline, sending Morrison to la la land. In comes Miz and HBK. HBK off the shoulder tackle and he kips up. Atomic Drop connects, as does the scoop slam. Michaels up top and he drops the elbow. He tunes up the band, but Morrison interferes, letting Miz hit him with a lariat. Morrison is in and he drops the elbow in a nice double team move for two. He beats on Shawn a bit before locking the head. Shawn fights back and he hits a knifeedge chop. Corner to corner we go and Shawn really oversells it. Morrison connects with a clothesline for two. Tag to Miz and he kicks Shawn in the midsectiojn. To the corner we go and Miz connects with the charge. He stalks Shawn and mocks Trips. Reality Check misses and Shawn does a backslide for one. Morrison comes in and the corkscrew neckbreaker is countered into an enzugiri by Shawn after a Morrison slap. Tag to Trips and he works over Morrison. Morrison ducks a clothesline, but fails to miss the knee. Knee Smash connects to Morrison. Pedigree attempt and Miz comes in and eats a spinebuster! Morrison off the ropes and he connects with Trips for TWO!
Morrison comes off the ropes with a shoulder tackle. Morrison mocks Shawn and Shawn is mysteriously knocked out. Morrison CONNECTS WITH SWEET CHIN MUSIC! THE INSANITY! Miz is in and they mock DX a bit. Miz looks for the Pedigree and no one does that move other than Trips. Shawn is back in, Morrison is out. Sweet Chin Music to Miz, Pedigree…and that’s done!
Winners: DX
Grade: B+
JBL is with Shane McMahon. He’s mad that the beating of Shawn wasn’t enough. JBL has a business proposition. He wants to be the new GM. Shane wants to book JBL tonight. JBL assumes that Shane wants to make the cage match a Triple Threat. Shane has something else in mind…The Undertaker. JBL is sucking it up.
Up next…16 divas…bets are on. I say three minutes max for this match.
Commercials.
Episode 243: Iron Mike Tyson comes to RAW and Stone Cold comes out. They brawl in the ring.
Team Beth Phoenix v. Team Mickie James
For those keeping track, this is Tiffany’s first match in the WWE and she is SMOKIN’! There’s a little discrepancy as the face side has only seven divas. This is rectified by Mae Young… Phoenix and Kelly Kelly start things off and she hits the hurrancurana. She tags in Mae Young. She sandbags Phoenix and in comes Natalya and all the divas are getting knocked down. It looks to be five on one and the faces charge in. Mae Young is owning the heel contingent and Beth Phoenix pins Mae Young with a rollup.
Winners: Team Beth Phoenix
Grade: F – For those keeping check, that was two minutes.
Mae Young makes a miraculous comeback!
SmackDown Rebound: Chavo Guerrero gets fed to the Undertaker in the Casket Match. This week, he faces Vladmir Koslov.
CM Punk takes on Randy Orton…NEXT!
Commercials.
We’re back and we get some more clips from the past!
Episode 456: Hulk Hogan goes heel on us and Dwayne Johnson comes out and that match for Wrestlemania 18 was made.
IT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIME!
CM Punk v. Randy Orton
Shane McMahon was able to get Randy his gear and he is ready to compete!
They jockey for position to begin. ENZUGIRI connects on Orton and Punk clobbers him in the corner! Corner to corner we go and Orton explodes with a clothesline and he takes over. Vintage Orton ensues, with varying shots to Punk. That is followed with a knee drop for two. Orton with a headlock on Punk. Punk gets sent to the ropes, Orton misses the charge and Punk connects with a flying clothesline! Kicks connect, slaps connects and the roundhouse to the back of the head sends Orton down. Orton off the ropes, DROPKICK Connects. Knee lift connects, but the bulldog is blocked and Orton looks for the RKO. That doesn’t happen as Ted DiBiase slides in and he attacks Punk, drawing the DQ
Winner: CM Punk via DQ
Grade: C
Post match, Orton hits the CONCUSSION KICK on DiBiase! Manu and Rhodes stare Orton down and they allow him to leave without incident. DiBiase is still down as we go to break.
Commercials.
We’re back and we replay the CONCUSSION KICK! DiBiase gets stretchered out during the break. Backstage, Randy gets stopped by Rhodes and Manu. They bitch, and Orton says that he kicked some sense with DiBiase. If they have a problem…DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! They don’t and Orton says that was smart. There may be some hope for the two.
Episode 772: Welcome to the WWE Floyd Mayweather!
Stephanie McMahon is in the office and Mike Adamle she said that Mike’s speech was eloquent. Mike complains that Stephanie and Shane were differening opinions. Motherhood didn’t do Stephanie favors and she dismisses him. Mike leaves and Shane comes in. He has a major announcement for Survivor Series. He won’t tell Stephanie though.
Up next, JBL gets to REST IN PEACE!
Commercials.
Episode 475: Jeff Hardy goes crazy against the Badass Undertaker!
Out comes Good ole’ Jim Ross! Apparantly, SmackDown has an announce table as well tonight. Time for the next match!
John Bradshaw Layfield v. The Undertaker
Episode 1: Undertaker is on the first RAW!
The bell sounds and they lock up. Undertaker gets sent to the ropes and he collides into JBL. Body shots connect in the corner. Not even a minute in the match and we go OLD SCHOOL! JBL does come back with a clothesline. JBL’s turn in the corner and he ignores the referee’s warnings. Back to the center and Undertaker fights back. Snake Eyes connects and the big boot hits on target. He drops the leg for two. He sets up ffor the Chokeslam and JBL gets sent to HELL! JBL counters the Tombstone and both men collide with each other and JBL falls outside. Undertaker sits up and JBL just decides to take the countout loss.
Winner via countout: The Undertaker
Grade: D-
Shawn comes out and he tosses JBL in the ring for the mandatory Tombstone!
Chris Jericho is in the office and Shane McMahon comes in and Jericho wants to know about the announcement. The clue is that John Cena will be the next challenger for the World Heavyweight Championship at Survivor Series. Say what?
Commercials.
Episode 304: Austin drowns the Corporation with beer.
We’re back and Kung Fu Naki decides to dance around. Hornswoggle dances with him too…and out comes the Boogeyman. He dances as well. Please leave the fat man out of this. Please leave the fat naked oily man out of this. PLEASE! In comes Goldust, and a bunch of others. Dusty Rhodes, Lillian, King, Cole. No fat naked oily man, please. Cole dances with Lillian, but Goldust wants Cole. Cole comes out of the closet and the music stops. Ron Simmons comes out on the stage….DAMN! Damn, no one rings the bell.
Episode 775: Celebrating the legacy of Ric Flair.
Commercials.
Episode 630: Edge and Lita’s marriage ceremony gets interrupted by Kane. Sadly, the priest gets tombstoned.
The Buccaneers are in attendance tonight and HELLFIRE & BRIMSTONE ERUPTS! Tag match time!
Kane & Mark Henry (w/Tony Atlas) v. Rey Mysterio & Kofi Kingston
Last week on ECW, Evan Bourne was injured because Bam Neely does not know how to catch him. The replacement partner is Kofi Kingston. The bell sounds and Kane & Rey start things off. Kane sends Rey to the corner and he runs into a boot. Hurrancurana connects, but Kane effortlessly hits a sidewalk slam before tagging into Mark Henry/ Military press connects, but Rey lands on his feet. Mark knocks him down with a tackle. He drops his weight on the canvas, which allows Kofi to come in. He attacks hard, but Mark is too big. He gets powered to the corner. Kofi misses, he takes out Kane. Splash connects, and he thrusts away. He can’t send Henry corner to corner. On the top, he jumps into Mark’s clutches. Rey can’t stop it…Kane prevents it. World’s Strongest Slam connects and Kingston just got buried.
Winners: Kane & Mark Henry
Grade: D-
Post match, Kane tosses Rey out of the ring and Khali comes out towards the ring! Kane goes to chokeslam Rey, but Khali decides to tomahawk chop Kane. He gets in the ring and he takes care of Henry. I can remember Khali beating the Hell out of Rey a few months ago. This is just awkward.
Commercials.
We’re back and we are gearing up for the main event! But before this, we’re looking more into John Cena. After this, Shane and Stephanie talk a bit. They wished Vince was around to see this.
The cage lowers…
Commercials.
We’re back and we have another clip!
Episode 761: Tribute to the Troops 2007
MAIN EVENT TIME!
Batista (c) v. Chris Jericho
Steel Cage Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
The bell sounds and……nothing. They lock up and Batista knocks him down. Jericho gets shoved to the corner. Pillar to Post we go, but Jericho wants to leave. Batista pulls him back in and Batista nails a running powerslam. Running clothesline also connects for two. Jericho gets posted and he works on him at the corner. Batista chokes Jericho before he sends him to the ropes. Jericho kicks away and he pays for it by being sent into the cage. Batista does this on the opposite side as Jericho is in pain. Jericho gets sent to the third side of the cage and we have to take a commercial, I reckon. Stupid WWE.
Commercials.
We’re back as Jericho has the Walls locked on Batista! Jericho asks for the ring door to open and it opens. Batista powers Jericho almost through the ropes! Jericho tries to get out, but Batista grabs the tights. Now they are teetering in the corner and Batista’s knee gives out. Jericho slams the door on Batista’s knee twice. He works on the knee a bit as Jericho is in control. Batista no sells the kicks and hits the BOSSMAN SLAM FOR TWO! Batista drills Jericho in the corner, but Jericho telegraphs the move. Batista hits a weak spinebuster that causes Jericho to get a two count. Jericho goes for the codebreaker, but Batista RAMS HIM AGAINST THE CAGE WALL! Batista goes for the spear, but he eats the cage instead! Jericho thinks about escaping, but Batista catches Jericho by opening the door. SPINEBUSTER CONNECTS AND he looks for the Batista Bomb. Jericho sandbags, but Jericho holds onto the top of the cage. Both men are teetering on the top rope. Jericho falls down, which causes Batista to go south in the worst way possible. Jericho looks to climb again, but Batista keeps him from leaving again! OH MY GOD, Batista is looking to Batista Bomb Jericho from the top rope. Jericho grabs an object and he bashes Batista in the head with it. Batista grabs the neck…Jericho kicks the legs off, and he takes a fifteen foot drop to win the title! Unique finish there! Batista is busted open.
Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: Chris Jericho
Grade: A-
Batista is out of it as the show ends.
Show Over.
The SUPER WWE RAW Report Card
Chris Jericho d. Batista to win the World Heavyweight Championship: A-
Kane & Mark Henry d. Rey Mysterio & Kofi Kingston: D-
The Undertaker d. JBL via countout: D-
CM Punk d. Randy Orton via DQ: C
Team Beth Phoenix d. Team Mickie James: F
DX d. Miz & Morrison: B+
Vladmir Koslov d. Bret Haas: F
William Regal wins an 8 men battle royal: N/A
The Hardys d. MVP & THE Brian Kendrick: B-
Penalty: 40 minutes of wrestling for a three hour show???
Penalty: Commercial breaks during short matches?
Penalty: 3 matches B- or better – the rest TANKED!
Extra Credit: Unique Cage Match to end the show on a slightly high note, but the damage was already done
The Final grade for SUPER WWE RAW 11.03.2008: D
Now may be a good time for me to explain the grading system a bit. I take the matches and assign points to them based on a honor scale. A+ is worth 12 points; B+ is worth 9; C+ is worth 6; D+ is worth 3; and F is worth 0. N/A grades do not count and it won’t hurt or improve the final grade. There were nine matches tonight. Eight of them count towards the grade tonight, as it’s unfair to grade a battle royal, even a one that was as short as this one was. After averaging the points, the show rated a 4.125, or a C-. Then the penalties and extra credit notations go to play. For each penalty, I subtract 1 point from the score and for each extra credit, I add one point to the score. 4-3+1=2, which is a D. the show was bordering on the awful side tonight and it could be the fact that this was three hours long. If you’ve DVR’ed this, I suggest only watching the opening match, The Randy Orton/Shane McMahon segment, the DX speech and match, and the main event. Everything else can be avoided like the plague. After last week, I was thinking that tonight was going to be memorable.
Let this be an open memo to USA Network, since they seem to want RAW to have three hour shows all the time. That idea does not work. Three hours and you don’t get more action…you get more skits and less wrestling. This is why Vince is doing this on purpose. Let them do what they do best…make you money and try to keep what viewers they have left. Thank you.
With that said, have a great week everyone!
