Movie Hardball #4 – Election Edition

Editor’s Note: With the Presidential election going on fast and furiously right now, it’s only appropriate to have this version of Movie Hardball go up a day earlier than normal. Enjoy! — Scott “Kubryk” Sawitz

Back again for some lightweight political discussion for your reading pleasure. Everyone is no doubt tired of reading columnists’ political agendas over the last couple of months, don’t worry there isn’t much of that here. Just some fun politics related questions being answered by your buddies ML Kennedy and Mike Noyes. Vote first, then enjoy nine stupid questions with the Popcorn Junkies gang.

1. With the election coming, this edition’s focus will be on politics and movies. Start by selecting the cast for movie adaptation of the current election.

Kennedy:
Barack Obama- Will Smith
John McCain – Ed Harris
Biden – David Morse
Sarah Palin – Lisa Ann star of Nailin Paylin

Noyes:
Barack Obama – Don Cheadle, of course!
Joe Biden – Steve Martin
John McCain – John Goodman
Sarah Palin – I think Tina Fey has pretty much proven that there would be no other choice than her.

Price: Well Googling Lisa Ann provided some fairly non-work friendly results. Thank you Kennedy. Guess I should have known with that title. Anyway, my picks:

Obama – The Rock
Biden – Steve Martin. Seems like a great pick actually
McCain – Richard Dreyfus. Because I hate both men equally. Okay, I hate Dreyfus way more.
Palin – Tina Fey. I don’t care if it lacks creativity, it is the only universal choice this election season.

Also, I must hear the logic behind John Goodman as John McCain.

2. Do you think your movie, or any movie, based on this election would appeal to audiences? What would be the best presidential election to make into a movie? Why?

Kennedy: This election is frightfully entertaining. I would wait 15 years
before making a movie about it.

As for the best election to make into a movie, Kennedy/Nixon comes to
mind. It was a close race, had two well known candidates, political
chicanery in Chicago, that stupid “Checkers” speech, and set the tone
of presidential races in the TV age.

Noyes: It would really depend on who was directing and writing the film and what way they went with the film. I suppose it would be possible to make a good film out of this election as it has been a very memorable one, but I think overall a film about any election would probably end up being pretty damn boring. If they made a film about this election it would have to be a long time from now. To make it now would just be superfluous. We’re all living the story as it happens. Filmmakers would have to wait until there is a new audience for it.

Price: I think politics is one of many areas where the reality is more entertaining than anything that could be created in Hollywood. That said I think an election that would make for good cinema would be the very first election slash basically announcing that George Washington would be president. There must be some comedy from the fact that after fighting a war to separate from a monarchy, the newly founded United States wanted Washington to be a king.

3. Political movies, that is to say movies that deal with current cultural issues, don’t typically make much money at the box office and lately haven’t been doing well with critics either. Why do you think that is? Is there a way to change that trend?

Kennedy: One of the draws of movies is escapism. Seeing a movie about the
current problems of the world are anti-escapist in nature. Very often
these movies are about issues which people don’t relate to, and as
such they won’t relate to the movie.

Mostly, though, the problem with these movies is that they are
preachy, didactic, vapid Hollywood crap made by people who think they
know a lot about the world because they have been on television.

The way to get “political” movies more critical respect and bigger box
office is. . . allegory. Throw them in a horror or sci-fi picture. You
can enjoy Invasion of the Body Snatchers as a sci-fi/horror
film or a political film. You can watch Ringu without giving a
damn about its social message- the internal problems of families
become the problems of the whole community.

Noyes: Well, lately, the political climate has been so active that when people want political entertainment all they have to do is flip on the news. Why go to the theater and shell out half your paycheck for two hours entertainment when you can stay home and get something twice as good and half as believable for free? Perhaps if real life ever gets boring again then people drift back into the theater.

Price: I look back at my answer to the last question and realize that that simplistic answer covers me here too. One thing that Kennedy makes me wonder about is what genre would be a good place to center your allegory. Horror is obvious, but a lot of times I feel that horror flicks are overrated when they use political allegory. After all, how many zombie movies truly capture the social climate of the time they are made? I guess I am happy with my politics right where they are, especially as the political climate becomes more and more heated in this country. It doesn’t seem necessary to try to classify something so meaningful.

4. Oliver Stone just released W. based on the current president’s life and he has dabbled in political films throughout his career. What do you think of Stone’s political films? Which directors do you feel do well with political material?

Kennedy: Oliver Stone is an idiot. I don’t watch his political films.
JFK is an abomination. He couldn’t even figure out what to do
with Natural Born Killers. As for directors who do well with
political material, um, there’s uh, Marshall Curry (director of the
documentary Street Fight)?

Noyes: I must admit that I’ve seen neither JFK, Nixon or W. However, on a whole, Stone is hit or miss with me, he makes both great and terrible films, so I’m not sure where those three might fall. As far as other directors… There really isn’t one that jumps out at me. Sorry, I know, that’s a horrible answer… next question.

Price: Honestly Kennedy, I think you and I are going to have to throw down about JFK sometime. But otherwise I agree that almost every film I have seen from Oliver Stone sucks hard and likes it. His style is awesome, but it does not fit his preferred genre at all, in my opinion. One director I like for social pictures is Edward Zwick (Courage Under Fire, Blood Diamond), I also like the efforts put forth by both Scotts (Ridley and Tony), but I wouldn’t say anyone is best suited for such movies.

5. Ronald Reagan was an actor before he became president. What president would like to have seen become an actor?

Kennedy: Picture it: James K. Polk, the Napoleon of the Stump, plays a
hard-boiled detective in 22nd century Cleveland. Rocket men have
developed a devious plan to taint the town’s drinking supply with moon
poison and it is up to Polk, as Private Dick Chester A. Arthur to save
the city from the hands of lunar destruction!

Also starring Millard Filmore as the hooker with a heart of gold, moon gold.

Noyes: I suppose I’d have to go with Clinton because he’s the most charismatic of the remaining living presidents. But I don’t think he’d be a good actor. The real problem with a president turned actor is that no matter what role he played, people would always just think of him as “that guy who used to be our president.” I think in any case it probably be a bad idea.

Price: Kennedy, when are you going to pitch a column entitled Kennedy’s Flights of Fancy? In which, you suggest movie concepts for movies that only make sense to stoners. I want to be your editor.

As for the actual topic at hand I must say I am a bit surprised Clinton hasn’t been in a movie yet. However I think we all know the correct answer is Taft. Nutty Professor 3 anyone?

6. Which fictitious president would you like best as an actual president?

Kennedy: I think we’d be in good hands with President David Palmer. Oh wait,
24 isn’t a movie.

In that case, let’s go with President James Marshall. I don’t know
about his politics; I just want a president that can beat up Gary
Oldman.

Noyes: President James Dale (Jack Nicholson) from Mars Attacks! Well, honestly I’d just like to see Jack Nicholson be our president, but that wasn’t the question.

Price: I can beat up Gary Oldman, would you like me to be president? Imagine the amazing race between Jack Nicholson and Harrison Ford for presidency. I’m not sure who I would vote for. I’d probably write in Tiny “Zeus” Lister from The Fifth Element. Another man who can beat up Gary Oldman.

7th Inning Stretch. Best movie starring two governors: Predator, The Running Man, or Batman and Robin?

Kennedy: Predator, by a lot. A lot a lot.

The real question here is: When and where does Carl Weathers get to be
a governor? C’mon guys, Governor Action Jackson!

Noyes: No contest: Predator. That is not only one of the greatest action movies of the 80’s, but one of the best ever. I just rewatched it recently and was pleasantly surprised how well it held up. Schwarzenegger delivers one of his best on screen performances and he goes up against one of the greatest off worldly villains. Great cheesy one liners, great action, great movie.

Price: Not a question so much as a reason to reminisce about Predator and the great SNL skit that inspired this very question: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QArocEUp7xE. Although, you guys have to admit that if Ventura had played Governor of Minnesota the same way he played Captain Freedom in The Running Man the world would be a better place.

8. During governor elections in California local networks are not allowed to show Arnold Schwarzenegger movies due to equal time laws. Your thoughts?

Kennedy: Seriously? I hadn’t heard that thing. Now that I’ve thought about it,
well, it is retarded. Equal time laws are idiotic. I don’t want to get
started on how stupid that is. Any electoral body that would make a
decision based on which candidate was in End of Days deserves
the government they get.

Noyes: That’s ridiculous. How is somebody watching Kindergarten Cop going to think, “Hey, I really want to reelect this guy!” And if for some reason a film could do that then there are plenty of good and bad films to go around that would make either party happy. If the democrats want to get some more voters on their side they can just get Junior or Batman & Robin played. That’s sure to lose Arny some votes.

Price: Here’s what would be fair: re-shoot all of Arnold’s scenes with his competitor. That would be classic. I mean TNT has to fill their weekly Commando TV block with something.

9. Dumbo vs. Eeyore. Who wins?

Kennedy: Dumbo. Dumbo can fly and shoot peanuts out of his trunk. Eeyore gets
in no offense and literally gets the stuffing knocked out of him. Here
is the real question though: We all know that Timothy J. Mouse is
Dumbo’s corner man. Who fills that roll for Eeyore? Is there a
competent corner man among the denizens of the Hundred Acre Woods?
Pooh would fall asleep, Tigger wouldn’t be able to concentrate long
enough to form a strategy. Rabbit would be cleaning up spit stains.

I guess Kanga would be the toughest one in the Pooh gang.

Noyes: Eeyore would bitch about something and it would freak out Dumbo who would just hide behind his big dumb ears. The voters would realize how much of a little scaredy cat Dumbo is and while thinking Eeyore was a whiney bitch at least he speaks his mind and they’d vote for him. That and Eeyore is just way cooler.

Price: It makes me proud to see how game you guys were for this question. I think Kanga could be a great corner man, especially if she is a boxing kangaroo. This fight would be kind of awesome and if Disney weren’t such fuddy-duddies they could create an amazing fighting game with all their characters. What kind of situation would we have on our hands if Dumbo’s lucky feather were actually Eeyore’s tail? Oh man, too many great ideas here, this may have to be revisited. As for who wins between the elephant and the donkey, we will know soon enough.