This week Impact is back in Orlando with Foley in charge and the Main Event Mafia running wild! Last week, they left the young guns lying, can the faces fire back this week? Come on in and find out! (see, no sarcasm, be good to me TNA).
Whoooo are you.. who who, who who. Still the best part of Impact.
The Main Event Mafia emerge to open Impact… showing the end of last week’s Impact twice in the first 3 minutes of the show, the second time with helpful narration. Steiner is introduced separately. I still really dig his music. The sirens effectively make him seem like a dangerous wildcard, his role pretty much everywhere.
Steiner joined the heels because he’s been watching the young guys disrespect the old guard backstage from home. That’s impressive. I watch every week and I’ve never seen that. He puts over how these are true legends and champions who’ve wrestled around the world. All of these places seem way cooler than TNA, but hey, it’s Steiner, I’m just impressed its coherent. Steiner mocks the faces for playing games and reading comics… and then reading about how many stars they get on web news sites. Yay! TNA guys read all the InsidePulse zones. The guys who built TNA apparently did so because they had no choice, no one knows them, and they’re losers. Hot damn is this counterproductive… why has no one interrupted this? I get it, the MEM are stars because they worked elsewhere and people only watch TNA for them. This is dragging and making TNA look poor.
Joe finally comes out with… Consequences Creed, Eric Young, Jay Lethal, and the Machine Guns… so an Apollo Creed Imitator, a Superhero Imitator, Macho Man Imitator, and a jobber team (who are incredible, but TNA is great at making them not seem so great). Awesome faces. Joe talks about how they’ve innovated styles and what they did, which is more important than where you worked (good call) to polite applause, then cuts on Nash and Steiner. Joe brings out his new soldier, Christian Cage. That was anti-climactic.
Cage comes out to tell Joe he isn’t joining them, merely helping out the young guys. Glad Joe has no idea what he’s talking about. Cage talks about how guys have to bust their ass to make it and that’s what the young guys are doing. He’s still the best promo in the company, even if the fans completely no sold 3/4 of his mic work since they’re bored after 14 minutes of promos, including Steiner’s barely coherent rambling. Booker says that after turning point, Cage will be one of them. The heels get the last word and their music played. At least their song is a classic SNES midi.
Foley and AJ Styles finally arrive. Glad they get to work on time. Mick Foley had something to tell AJ, but he didn’t. The big announcement will come later.
“Sorry about your damn luck” needs to be pushed to the moon. It’s the best idea TNA’s had since Russo came on.
Match 1: Booker T, Robert Roode and James Storm vs. The Motor City Machine Guns and Christian Cage
Didn’t Roode break Sharmell’s face at some point? No one else in the Mafia has history with Roode really, why do they have to use this grouping?
The Guns go all speedy on Roode right away as West assurs us that they really do read each other’s minds. If so they should do more with it than wrestling. Sabin is cheapshotted and worked over.
Christian gets the hot tags and takes out all the heels completely alone. These young guys are great! Cage goes to the top, but Roode knocks him off. That doesn’t stop him as he manages to knock Booker down and hit a frog splash. The heels break it up again. MCMG finally get in and dive the crap out of Beer Money. Christian gets a reverse X-Factor, but Sharmell distracts the ref. Booker gets a belt shot for the win.
Beer Money, Inc and Booker defeat Cage and MCMG (Pin, Belt Shot, *)
I like all of these guys and really wanted to like this, but the structure is so off. It’s like they couldn’t figure out how to work in convincing near falls with a build on the Cage comeback and spent too little time establishing MCMG who came off as also-rans. Just weak.
Jeff Jarrett puts off Angle again backstage.
Rubik’s World tells me about extreme puzzles and minigames. No, really EXTREME puzzles. They’re so in your face they’ll PUZZLE your clever little face off. EXTREMELY!
Kurt Angle says he won’t forget what happenned at Bound For Glory and wants more of Jarrett. Angle threatens Jarrett’s kids, who trust Kurt. Like it’d be tough to warn them, Jeff? Foley holds Jeff back.
Backstage Kong gets revenge for last week by beating up on Roxxi.
We return and Roxxi is very hurt. I… don’t buy it. She just wasn’t beaten that badly.
A four team ladder match for a future tag title shot is next.
Match 2: Ladder Match: Tanahashi and Volador vs. Morgan and Abyss vs. Brother Ray and Brother D-Von vs. LAX
Abyss and Angle go falls count anywhere at the PPV. So much for limiting gimmick matches going forward. Of course, I say this during a ladder match on the mid-card of a weekly TV show…
So, why aren’t LAX involved in this big company-wide feud? Wouldn’t they fit more than 42 different X-Division wrestlers?
Can you say FlusterCluck? I just saw one. We start witha brawl. LAX control, then 3-D control, then Morgan and Abyss control… then commecials control.
We return for replayed of highspots. That leads to Hernandez diving head first into a ladder. That was pretty awesome. Now, its everyone hits big moves time and … the ref is bumped. In a ladder match. Right.
Tanahashi takes it to Ray. Ideally, these guys are savy enough to know he’s the Ace of New Japan and sell accordingly. He takes everyone out, but misses a frog splash and walks into a 3-D. Abyss comes in to take out 3-D and in another anticlimax, casually grabs the contract.
Abyss and Matt Morgan win the Ladder Match (*)
No structure, no flow and one memorable spot. For that, why even do a ladder match? And why waste Tanahashi this way?
Let’s say you can use Tanahashi as a throwaway… or you could book him as the foreign star who was in the position of the TNA young guys recently and won his war. He seems like a big deal, he can deliver in matches, and becomes the young guns (who need a name, stat) a great equalizer.
I can’t wait for Suicide. Not even a joke, I just think it’ll be hilariously campy. From Wiswell: Bound For Glory 2009 should feature Suicide Vs. Homicide in a Who Can Kill Kaz First? match.
Mick Foley is out with a mic. He introduces AJ. My bet is that AJ gets Sting at the PPV, something we all already know. Will Foley confirm? He begins by putting over AJ, noting that he had such a buzz that Foley asked Raven about him. He tells AJ that he needs to be the president elect and beat Sting. Topical and totally irrelevant. There was no announcement there.
Sting is out next. He put his face on for AJ, after going au natural in the opening segment. Sting whines about AJ daring to question him while saying AJ every two minutes AJ, because AJ is always right AJ, AJ AJ AJ. Sting goes there on AJ! Sting thinks AJ’s dad was right to kick him out when AJ was 15! Oh noes, that’s so cold! He brought up AJ’s DADDY ISSUES. Apparently respect and the title weren’t enough.
Backstage, more melodrama, as Taylor Wilde wants to go after Kong. Rhaka Khan offers to help her.
Match 3: Raisha Saed and Awesome Kong vs. Taylor Wilde and Rhaka Khan
Wilde uses speed to keep up momentarily, but gets beat on for awhile. Khan can’t work, so she doesn’t even get in. Khan chokeslams Taylor and she’s apparenty in league ith Kong. Don’t ask why. Implant buster and we’re done.
Kong and Saed defeat Taylor Wilde (Pin, Implant Buster, * 1/2)
Match of the night so far! Khan can’t work, but she and her giant scary buddy make a kickass heel stable.
Kevin Nash gets a promo about how Joe’s talk is cheap and he’ll do it for Scott Hall. How cute. BFF!
Daivari and Tenay talk trash about 9/11. This is tasteless. I refuse to cover it.
Match 4: Sting, Kurt Angle, and Kevin Nash vs. Eric Young, Consequences Creed and Jay Lethal
Mystery Men, Rocky2, and Spider-Man movie characters vs. a real estate salesman, a concussed druggie maniac, and a half-crippled giant. I’m psyched for these commercials to end.
Lethal couldn’t beat Bashir, but he sure is taking it to Kurt Angle. Oops, nevermind. Nash smashes him in slow motion. Eric Young quickly gets a hot tag… and takes out Sting and Kevin Nash. This is just wrong. You have to build guys! You can’t announce young vs. old then suddenly have these losers taking on your main eventers for years. Angle catches Young, but Creed takes him out. Lethal dives on Sting, but Creed takes an Angle slam and we’re done.
MEM defeat Lethal, Creed, and and Young (Pin, Angle Slam, * 1/2)
What the hell man. Even WCW knew to build the young guys as tough and dangerous before throwing them in with icons.
Rhino talks crap about Daivari’s choices and the loveliness of America. Let’s move on and pretend this didn’t happen. While praising America, he offers to Gore a woman. AMERRRRRICA AMERRRRRRRRRRRRRICA, God Gore this Mouthy Bitch!
Match 5: Scott Steiner vs. Samoa Joe
Joe beats Steiner up pretty good early, but Steiner gets a low blow to control. Steiner cycles through his usual offense into commercials.
We return for a Joe hope spot, but Joe hits his own T-Bone suplex to get the real comeback as Nash sneaks out. Joe goes for the Muscle Buster, as Nash distracts, Joe dives on him an ddelivers a beating. Steiner gets on the brass knuckles. Steiner wins. Man, fuck this company.
Steiner defeats Joe (Pin, Bras Knuckles Shot, * 1/2)
Nash beats on Joe post match, but AJ chases him away with a chair. Midi time.
Holy shit, what a terrible show. Last week was good and built momentum. This one pulls the rug out and laughs about it. I can’t take this. Nothing here was remotely productive or built logically. I quit. Fuck you, TNA.
