TNA iMPACT! Real-time Coverage for 01.15.09

We kick off live from South Carolina with a pretty cool, albeit short, recap package of TNA Genesis.  Give TNA credit for only showing a half second clip of the Sting – Rhyno TNA Championship match.

We’ve got a match between Kurt Angle and A.J. Styles later on. I don’t even think the promised shenanigans of having Mick Foley “enforce” the thing will be able to bring the bout below 3 stars.

The Main Event Mafia is out, the theme from Altered Beast banging from the speakers. Booker’s shirtless. Let’s hope he’s about to wrestle. Otherwise I’d start wondering what was going on backstage.

Kurt cuts a promo about unity and brothership. He says he promised the MEM would be the greatest collection of champions in the history of wrestling and believes he “told the truth.” He says the path of destruction the MEM cleaved through TNA, which he calls “hits”, cement their place in history. The video package that follows is pretty damn sweet actually. I got to give it to TNA, they sure can produce themselves a video package. Kurt brags about the wins they racked at Genesis, blaming their one hiccup, the six man match which they lost, on Mick Foley and the absence of Kevin Nash. The war ends tonight, according to Kurt. Kurt promises a multiple hit of AJ Styles later on, and Mick Foley.

Hernandez interrupts Kurt to call out “paco” Sting. He cashes in his Feast or Fired TNA Title shot. The title match will take place next.

TNA WORLD TITLE MATCH

Sting (c) v. Hernandez

Sting’s about to wrestle in his street clothes. Lock up, which the stronger Hernandez wins. Chops in the corner. Sting tosses him over the top rope but Hernandez slingshots back in with a shoulderblock. Sting throws some punches but is knocked down again by Hernandez. An over-the-shoulder backbreaker crushes Sting’s britle back. Suplex reversed into a Scorpion Death Drop but Sting’s too worn out – after 1:30 mind you – to capitalize. Sting goes on offense with kicks and stomps. Steiner chokes Hernandez while the ref’s back is turned. Sting keeps on the attack, stomps and punches a-plenty.  Hernandez pops out of the corner with a clothesline. Shirt’s off and a Razor’s Edge looks likely but Booker interferes. A beat-down ensues, to my earnest surprise. Referee Shane Sewell tosses Booker out of the ring, guaranteeing a feud that will set the world on fire. Homicide runs down and starts cleaning house. Numbers prevail, however, and Homicide succumbs to a whupping. Angle Slam on Homicide! Hernandez gets what I hope was a modified DDT but what was more likely a horribly botched belly-to-belly. A.J. sprints down the ramp to join the fun and cleans house on the MEM. Once again, the numbers are too much and Styles in rendered prone by a Booker T kick. Animal – err rather Brother Ray is back, with Brother D-Von in tow. They do the standard save before calling for a table. Ray powerbombs Angle clean through.

 

Observation: I want just one match to end without some kind of interference. But, it was good to see MEM get beatdown while still looking strong and true to their cheating natures.

Rating: ½* – The match was pretty bad but I guess with Sting being in rough shape lately, I can’t get to upset about it.

 

We come back for promo time with Brother Ray, D-Von and Styles. I must admit Ray is pretty damn over. Please keep the microphone away from A.J. D-Von talks about all Team 3-D has accomplished in their careers. He calls 3-D the Tag Team Standard Bearers. He goes on to say that, although he’s accomplished a lot as a tag team wrestler, he wants to cement himself as a singles competitor as well. He quite unwisely picks Kurt Angle to jump start his singles career.

Ray takes the microphone and says the MEM did not successfully complete their job. Where Ray’s from, a real Mafia would have put him six feet under. All the MEM do was put him in a dumpster, give him a couple weeks off and he’s back already. Ray tells D-Von he can have Angle at Against All Odds, Ray wants Sting. Ray wants Sting and Sting alone because he did nothing while the goons were beating him to “within an inch of (his) life.” He says Sting can’t fool anyone else any longer. He calls him a liar and a cheat for not stopping the beating. You mess with a bull, Ray says, you get the horns. And Rays about to shove them horns straight up Sting’s ass. God likes me: Ray brings it on the mic as always, D-Von shows himself capable of cutting a pretty good promo and A.J. didn’t say a word. Nice.

Nope. Spoke too soon. God hates me.  The Palin shit continues. How in the hell are you going to take the skankiest girls you have on the roster and dress them up like Janet Reno for weeks on end. Long story short: the girls jump joyously for Palin and punk Kip. Sigh.

 

West and Tenay take us back to Genesis, to see snippets of Kurt vs. Jeff Jarrett. The rubber match, should TNA be savvy enough to offer one, should be all kinds of good. Angle and Jarrett have chemistry.

We transition backstage to Kurt Angle laid out with a jacked up neck as a result of the table bump earlier. The doctor won’t clear but Steiner, good friend that he is, offers to wrestle for him. Angle refuses and another commercial is upon us.

Please no. We get a recap of the Palin atrocity. My brain has left the room and I don’t know if it will ever be back. Now the Beautiful People with “Palin” hit the ring for more shrieking. Palin tells them they have passed the test. The Beautiful People receive this news with acting skills to rival Pacino – and not the post-Scent of a Woman Pacino either. The girls sign something or other for some reason. Taylor Wilde and a scary-looking Roxxi come out onto the stage. Wilde calls the BP stupid. She says she and Roxxi have been scheming the last several months against the BP to get them back for embarrassing the TNA Knockouts. I actually thought that Woman’s match at Genesis did the trick way faster. Wilde cusses the girls for their makeup and implants – all while two rock hard, oversized bags hang from Wilde’s chest hoping nobody will notice them.

Roxxi takes the mic to tell them they’ve been tricked. The woman they’ve been fooling around with the last while is not (gasp!) Palin. And now the Beautiful People get “mucked.” I think it’s supposed to be shit that comes down from the ceiling but who knows. Let’s just move on.

Observation: One hour, one match. We might be nearing a record here for most consecutive minutes on a wrestling show without an actual wrestling match.

 

We’re backstage with the Kong-tourage. Here we go, it was coming eventually but, now we officially have our first stereotypical ghetto hood rat. Welcome Sojourner Bolt. She calls Roxxi a transvestite and says she’s from the streets and about to get ghetto. We follow a heel promo by one of those TNA Rough Cuts on Sojouner. How the hell are we supposed to hate the girl now? Wow. Spoke too soon. Because, as we all know, black women love them some McDonald’s, Sojouner says, in the midst of her video package, that she whupped a man for ordering her the wrong combo. Keep that in mind, people.

 

Kong-tourage (Sojouner Bolt, Rhaka Khan and Raisha Saaed) v. Roxxi, Taylor Wilde and O.D.B.

Love how Wilde, a Toronto-native, has the stars and stripes on her entrance video. I guess I should just be thankful she stopped wearing the Old Glory tights. Roxxi and Saaed start out, but Wilde is quickly tagged in. Saaed fights out of a hammerlock with elbows and starts beating on Taylor in the corner. Bolt is in and gets armdragged by Wilde. ODB tags herself in and gets tossed in a corner. Khan’s in and it gets ugly fast. Khan sells some kicks about as bad as possible. Wilde is in and takes a half-hearted boot in the gut from Khan. Kham tags out to Saaed, minorities in control, as we go to break.

We return to see an ODB clothesline on Saaed. The ref won’t acknowledge a Roxxi tag-in. While Roxxi complains, the Tourage pulls ODB out and beat on her. Alledgely, this is No-DQ so we get tentative brawling outside the ring. Bolt brings ODB back in to beat on a bit. Kicks, punches, an irish whip or two. ODB reverses gets a desperation hit and as she plays Ricky Morton, she inexplicably grabs her crotch. ODB makes it to her corner and tags in Roxxi. Roxxi is the Face-on-Fire and takes out all the girls. It devolves into another halfhearted brawl, leaving Khan and Roxxi all alone in the ring. Khan goes for a chokeslam but Roxxi breaks out of it and locks in the Voodoo Drop for the win. Winner – Roxxi

Rating: 1/2* – Pure trash. I remember the days when the women’s matches were fantastic. I want Gail Kim back.

 

Booker pumps up Kurt backstage. He calls Mick Foley washed up and Styles a backwood hick. Book wants to take care of business tonight on Angle’s behalf. Oh, Kurt you’ve got such nice friends. Kurt says he’ll think about it.

Observation: I’m going to pretend that a woman’s match, which didn’t even involve the TNA Woman’s Champion, was given more time than the TNA World Championship match that kicked off the show.

 

 

TNA Tag Team Championship No. 1 Contender’s Match

Matt Morgan and Abyss v. Lethal Consequences

Abyss walks down the ramp looking unhinged, as Tenay talks about the chemistry issues between him and his partner. Here come Lethal and Creed, looking not at all embarrassed about cashing that Feast or Fired Title shot and losing it less than a week later.  Creed starts with Morgan. Creed uses his speed to avoid Morgan but is caught and tossed into the corner. Creed hits Morgan with a shot but subsequent punches are absorbed by Morgan. He headbutts him and tags in Abyss. Creed cowers from Abyss and tags in Lethal.  Abyss shakes Lethal’s hand and gets berated by this partner. Lethal is flying around the ring, using his quickness to attack Abyss. Abyss stays on his feet throughout and tosses Lethal. Creed comes in as Abyss misses a charge into the corner. Morgan tagged in and gets a dropkick to the knee. Creed with punches but once he tries to add a little flair, gets a HUGE boot to the face.

We’re welcomed back by a Morgan avalanche. Morgan has been refusing to tag Abyss in. Morgan drapes Creed over the top rope and hits a running legdrop, his momentum sending him out of the ring. Morgan now tags in Abyss who immediately losses all momentum. Creed dropkicks Morgan. They both double team Abyss then follow it up with a double suicide dibe on Morgan. More double-teaming and a missile dropkick almost puts Abyss away. Abyss accidently powerbombs Lethal on Morgan before getting kicked out of the position by Creed. Lethal lying near-unconscious on Morgan gets the three.

Morgan is heated and pie-faces Abyss. Abyss punches him back and we’ve got ourselves a pull-apart brawl. Lethal Consequences win, and are the No. 1 Contenders for the TNA Tag Team Titles.

Match Rating: ** – Which I think is about the max these teams would get together. Abyss and Morgan just don’t do it for me. They’re way better suited fighting each other.

Cornette goes into the MEM dressing room to tell them they don’t get to decide what happens. But Steiner tells him to shut up, he’ll fight for Kurt if he so pleases. Booker puts his hat in the ring and says he’s taking it to the streets to decide the matter. After a riveting game of inny, mini, miny, moe, Cornette chooses Steiner to face A.J. This can’t end well. I knew a Kurt – AJ match was too much to ask for.

 

Mick says he is not in “a celebratory mood.” He says his leg almost snapped but at least he’s still here which is more than he can say about Jarrett. Mick gets pissed and says he’s begging on of the MEM to get involved in the Steiner – Styles match. He’s mad that the MEM is taking it all as a joke.

Scott Steiner v. A.J. Styles – Mick Foley serves as Special Enforcer

He comes to the ring, hobbling even more than usual. And they show AJ’s absolutely insane dive onto the table from Genesis. Side note: Mick’s music is horrible.

Steiner is next, lead pipe in hand. He circles the ring, trying to intimidate Foley with his pipe. After all the roids Scott’s done, I don’t think there are too many people out there who would be intimidated by his pipe. And, thus fills my quota for grade school humor. Mick grabs a chair to ward Steiner off.

The man himself, A.J. Styles comes down. He is possibly the only person in TNA with serviceable entrance music.

West makes a good point about A.J. preparing all night for Angle and now being at a disadvantage with the opponent switch. They lock up and Style bails. Mick encourages from the outside. Steiner twists his arm and then shoots on him, taking him into the ropes. After Steiner paintbrushes the back of AJ’s head, he goes outside to get more encouragement from Mick. An embarrassing Steiner knee follows but A.J. seizes control with a side headlock. Steiner tries to shed the headlock but A.J. holds on. Back suplex attempt is unsuccessful as A.J. lands on his feet and re-applies the headlock. After a leapfrog, AJ hits Steiner with a dropkick. Steiner bails but AJ slingshots out with a splash. Both men are down on the outside as we go to a commercial.

We come back with A.J. dropping a flying knee on Steiner. He elbows Steiner down, before getting pulled into the middle turnbuckle. Boots and chops in the corner from Steiner. Irish whip reversed but AJ is caught in a powerslam for 2. Steiner thinks the ref counted just a wee bit slow. More chops, followed by Steiner’s patented belly-to-belly suplex. Chinlock on Styles. Styles elbows out but gets caught in a bearhug coming off the ropes. An overhead suplex might have broke AJ’s neck. Clothesline from Steiner. Steiner leaves the ring to retrieve a chair. Mich doesn’t like it, but nobody listens to his protests.  Steiner sets the chair up in the corner but stops to argue with the ref giving AJ time to get up and throw Steiner headfirst into the chair. Aj with some punches bit Steiner backdrops him over the top rope. AJ lands on his feet and flies in with a springboard forearm. Kick from AJ leads to a Northern Lights Suplex. Leaping clothesline on Steiner in the corner. Ref bump! Ref bump! Ref bump! Steiner hits a kind-of DDT. Steiner gets his pipe and hits Foley over the back. Foley is out. Syles Clash reversed into a backdrop. Steiner lays AJ out with the pipe. Hebner counts 1, 2, but AJ kicks out. Steiner is upset. AJ tries to regain his footing but is caught in the Steiner Recliner. Sounds so comfortable. AJ fights for the ropes but once he gets close, Steiner clubs him in the face. Steiner re-applies the Recliner as Foley threatens to enter the ring with Socko. Petey Williams comes from nowhere and nails Steiner with a top-rope dropkick. Pele from Styles and that gets the three! Winner – A.J. Styles

Match Rating : **1/2 – It always felt like a TV match but a good one at that. It was obvious that Steiner was laboring but he pulled out a pretty good performance.

That’s the show. Hope you all enjoyed it. The segments and interviews ran way too long. I would estimate there was less than 25 minutes of wrestling for this iMPACT – and all ended after some kind of shenanigans – but I still can’t call it a bad show. Thanks for bearing with me on my first iMPACT recap.

 

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