Making Movie History: The Art Of Nuptials On Film

Bride Wars opened in theatres last Friday and for decades we have watched as film studios try to put together films about weddings and have people actually give a damn about them. Considering how many movies I actually watch; chick flicks have graced (?) my television screen on many occasions. Hell, I’ve even been to theatres and checked out a number of the wedding films that compromise this list, but that doesn’t mean I liked them…or that I wasn’t forced to go see them. But coming from a guy, is it possible to make an enjoyable wedding flick?

Maybe I’m digging my own grave here since I’m not yet married, but this is something that needs to be discussed. Not from a female’s point of view because some (no, not all) would just love every film associated with weddings because they are soooo dreamy. And I’m not going to go through this category of films from a typical male’s point of view because those kinds of guys would just rip all wedding movies to shreds because it’s “gay” to like those types of things. I’m going to be totally unbiased and go through these as to how I viewed them and what I think of them so let’s roll.

Dum-dum-dum-dum!

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My Big Fat Greek Wedding



Should I have started with this one, I’m not quite sure but it has the privilege of being in my choices of the top five “worst movies ever.” This is just a debacle of a film and absolutely awful. It’s not funny, not cute, not loving, and not enjoyable by any sense of the imagination. The first time I ever watched this film it was with a girl and a homosexual friend of mine and they both fell asleep and I turned it off with twenty minutes remaining. Still to this day the ending has eluded me because there is no desire to know how things finished up. Perhaps it didn’t help much the incredibly talentless Nia Vardalos was cast in the lead role and I wanted so many times to reach through the screen and choke her hideous ass.

Ugh…a pox on anyone that somehow likes this film and forces friends or significant others to sit through it. A bullet to the brain would be a welcomed second option.


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The Wedding Planner



Man, I’m really making yall want to check out every wedding themed film you can find huh? Especially with this “gem” coming up next which features Matthew “I Make One Good Film Every Five Years” McConaughey and Jennifer “I’m Important” Lopez. It is predictable and incredibly bad seeing as how no-one in the film has a shred of acting ability and makes Pauley Shore look like he should have been in The Godfather. It’s just way to hard to get into this film merely due to the fact that you know what is going to happen from moment one and it makes you want to use the DVD as a coaster.


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American Wedding



The final chapter of the American Pie series culminated with a wedding that a lot of us should have seen coming from the first film. Jim and Michelle were unlikely dance partners to the prom and have moved forward to love one another in hilarious methods. I’ll give this film credit because not only did I enjoy this as a wedding flick, but it was the third film in the series and they managed to keep the humor going throughout. It was funny, dirty, amusing, and told a good story that kind of had a heartfelt feeling to it making it just lovey-dovey enough for a guy to enjoy it and not seem too effeminate.

Oh, and I don’t count those Band Camp direct-to-DVD releases as part of this franchise because they suck are just money-grubbers.


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Runaway Bride



I’ll be honest right away and tell you that Julia Roberts has never been on my list of actresses that I like and don’t want to punch the teeth out of their mouth, but she’s alright every once in a while. Not to mention that Pretty Woman was pretty good and saw her and Richard Gere put on memorable performances so perhaps this wouldn’t be so bad. Well, my assumption was correct and Runaway Bride isn’t awful…but it’s not really good either. It is watchable and has it’s moments but the thing that murders the film is the predictability factor that takes away any guessing and only leaves you wondering why you’re watching something where you already know what is going to happen.

You see folks; predictability is what kills so many films from the initial trailer showing on television. We’re given the main stars and the plot of the film and bing-bada-boom, the ending is already revealed. This is what amazes me when I hear about how many people actually like Titanic. THE BOAT SINKS…God, pick up a history book.


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My Best Friend’s Wedding



Alright, so Ms. Giant Teeth herself makes another appearance in this column and it’s simply because she is in another film about weddings. Not because she’s fun to watch on screen or anything. Perhaps the only thing that came from My Best Friend’s Wedding is the “wedding pact” that so many friends have made with one another.

“Hey, if we’re not married by the time we’re thirty, let’s get married ok?”

“Ok!”

Yeah, all this ever did was give the guys that girls always referred to as “such a good friend” hope that one day they’ll end up walking the aisle with their hot friends. You know damn well those girls that make the pact just think it is cute and never intend on ever going through with it. That is what makes me look at Julia Roberts in this film and consider her incredibly pathetic and a bitch for being pissed that her friend didn’t follow through with his part of the pact. Ummm HELLO…the pact only kicked in if yall both got to a certain age unmarried, and he didn’t. So take your horse face elsewhere woman.

See also: Made Of Honor and The Wedding Date.


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Father Of The Bride



This one really isn’t that bad for a chick flick. Sure it has the whole story of a girl getting married and her parents going insane trying to make everything happen just perfect for her, but plenty of comedy is thrown in to appease the guys. Steve Martin and Martin Short provide more then enough laughs to make those not thrilled with the story appreciate spending the time to watch it.

That’s about it. Oddly I have nothing else to say here.


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The Wedding Singer



Now here is a wedding film that any guy can get into because it isn’t overly sappy and is frickin funny as hell. Women will enjoy it due to the humor and also because there is a very sweet story to be had here. Guy and girl want each other but girl is already attached to a guy and some mixed signals cause chaos and a chase to be with the one you love. Not too bad if you ask me and everything is done in such a way that you’re going to be crying by the time it’s all over either because it’s so cute or because you can’t stop laughing.

One of the greatest things I like about The Wedding Singer is the one true message it gets across and it’s that you don’t have to settle for something or someone just because you’re comfortable or it’s easy. It is never too late in your life to enjoy it and have what you want. All you have to do is go out there, fight for it, and get it no matter what the costs are.


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Betsy’s Wedding



Betsy’s Wedding is one of the often looked over films that people just forget about and never even realize exists. It came out in 1990 when I was ten years old and automatically loved it for it’s over the top humor and fun little story that brought people together. Not only is there the issue of getting both sides of the family (groom’s and bride’s) to get along, but it’s to get everyone to agree on how things should be done. Throwing in the mob and offers from them doesn’t make matters any easier either so it adds to the excitement and what not. What makes Betsy’s Wedding so unique is that it is supposed to be about one couple getting married but it’s a film that sees relationships start, crumble, get better, and totally erupt into nothingness. It’s just amazing how one couple starting their life together can bring about the truth in so many others.



So there you have it. If going by what we see in movies themed on weddings, then there is no damn reason to ever get married.

I take that back because the hate mail from angry girlfriends will explode before the day is out. Movies themed after weddings have virtually nothing to do with real life and only one out of every six or so of them ever end up being semi decent. Almost all of them are aimed at the female demographic and the only reason men usually watch them is because they were dragged to them. Every once in a while there will be some good comedy or at least hot women in the film to appease the guys, but that also ends up being a rare occurrence. Bride Wars shows in every TV spot that there is a little bit of humor in it, but I fear that it’s one of those films where all the funny moments are in the trailers and the rest sucks. Doesn’t matter because I’m not walking that aisle to see it anyway.

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