YOU GOT NO CHANCE….NO CHANCE IN HELL!
The Whole World Can’t Miss This!
We open tonight with the I Have a Dream speech from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. .
6 months ago, Vince McMahon gave away a lot of money and the set fell on top of him.
TIME…TO…GET…RAW!
We’re live from Chicago! As if you didn’t know, Mr. McMahon returns tonight, but we’re kicking it off with Randy Orton and a six man battle royal!
Randy Orton, Kofi Kingston, Kane, Santino Marella, Cody Rhodes, & Ted DiBiase in a Six Man Battle Royal
Note that DiBiase and Rhodes have new swank music playing. The bell rings and Kane takes care of the Legacy. The lights go out for a moment and come back on. Legacy trios up on Kane and Santino wants to form a truce and he gets eliminated instead. Kofi gets triple teamed until Kane gives Randy a problem. Out goes Kofi and Kane turnss his attention to the Legacy, eliminating Rhodes and nearly eliminating DiBiase. He has Orton in the goozle and DiBiase eliminates himself to take Kane out! Orton is your last man standing.
Winner: Randy Orton (Order of Elimination: Marella, Kingston, Rhodes, Kane, & DiBiase)
Grade: N/A
Commercials.
We’re back and CM Punk is warming up for Regal. Here comes our WWE.com daily diva, Kelly Kelly (if I had any say, she’d be the daily diva everyday.). She takes on Beth Phoenix tonight.
Kelly Kelly v. Beth Phoenix
The bell sounds and the divas lock up. Kelly surprisingly gets the advantage, but Beth was playing possum. Kelly senfs Beth to the corner and she does a nice flip! She runs into a clothesline and Beth locks on the Full Nelson before hitting the Implant Buster for the win.
Winner: Beth Phoenix
Grade: F – squash, shocking considering how Kelly dominated Beth as of late.
Randy Orton tells his boys that if he wins, they all win. Cody Rhodes interrupts the fun and says how Manu and Snuka are in Stephanie’s office. What does that have to do with Randy? He has it on good authority that Randy will be fired tonight. This shocks Randy and he leaves.
Commercials.
The WWE gives George W. Bush a WWE Championship belt last week. I won’t comment on politics however. Backstage, Beth Phoenix meets up with a happy Santino Marella. He has a special surprise present, Rosa Mendez. She’s no longer banned, but she’s here to be Beth’s lackey. Santino is funny as hell. Santino has an idea on how she can impress Beth and she can do it tonight.
Stephanie is in the office and she talks about her daughter supposedly. Randy comes in and he kisses her ass saying how she did the right thing in firing Jericho. Stephanie calls him on it and says that she won’t fire him. She tells him to quit sucking up, so Orton decides to really give her a hard time. The end result: he gets SERVED with a bitchslap! Better than what Jericho got!
Commercials.
Next week on RAW: The World TV Premiere of John Cena’s 12 Rounds!
Time for the Intercontinental Championship Match!
CM Punk v. William Regal
No DQ Intercontinental Championship Match
I’ve never seen this referee before. The bell sounds and they lock up. Regal gets to the corner, but the lockup goes around the ring. Regal gets the side headlock. Punk gets out of it and he hits a kick to the face for one. Punk works the kicks and gets another one count. Regal takes a powder out, but it’s a tease as Regal gets Punk where he wants him. Regal looks for the suplex, but gets sent to the ring post and kicked in the back. Back inside, Punk gets a two count. Suplex attempt into another pin and Regal kicks out at two. Regal kicks the back of the neck and Regao looses feeling in his hands! Punk takes advantage of this and he tries to take the arm out of the socket while Layla watches intently. Regal makes it to the ropes and Punk won’t break the hold since it’s no DQ!
Commercials.
We’re back and Punk has Regal at the ropes and Layla gets involved and frees Regal. Punk gives her a dirty stare and Regal takes advantage. Regal places Punk’s head against the ring post and KICKS IT TO NEXT WEEK! That gets two. Welcome back to this week and Punk counters the Full Nelson! Drop toe hold into the REGAL STRETCH ATTEMPT! Punk fights it and Regal settles for the Full Nelson and he’s no Masterpiece, so Punk gets out of it. Kicks and slaps away, but Regal blocks the kick and hits Punk in the gut. Punk doubles over, but Regal gets kicked HARD! That gets a close two count. Knee lift connects, but the Bulldog is countered with the REGAL PLEX! That gets a kickout at two and a half! Regal with the knee strikes and he beats Punk down in the corner. Punk gets set up on the top rope and Regal hits the headbutt. Regal goes to the tip and he kicks Regal off. CROSSBODY MISSES! Regal misses the knee, but gets hit with the GTS! NEW CHAMPION!
Winner: CM Punk
Grade: A
That replay of the Regal Plex was so sick!
Punk celebrates in the ring as tonight was definitely CLOBBERIN’ TIME! Punk now joins an elite club winning the World, Intercontinental, and Tag Team titles. Welcome to the Triple Crown, CM Punk!
We recap last week’s epic Cena/Michaels encounter. The World Title contract signing is NEXT!
Commercials.
World Championship Contract Signing
We’re back and Jerry Lawler is your moderator for tonight’s contract signing. He calls for the participants to hit the ring so they can get this over and done with. JBL and Michaels come out and they are followed by Cena. Cena signs the contract first and JBL goes to sign the contract as well. There’s two contracts in the ring, but one is signed. JBL utters some words and Cena replies that he is a scumbag. JBL says that Shawn will be in his corner and that will be all he is doing. Cena says that JBL is not spending all the cash just to have Shawn in his corner. Cena tries to say that he competed against the best last week. Cena says that Michaels still has it. Cena says that Michaels is Mr. Wrestlemania, not JBL’s puppet. JBL picks the mic up and he says that the employee is not a puppet. JBL knows that Shawn is all that, that is why he hired him. It’s not personal, but a business decision. Shawn gets to a boiling point. He lays it down on JBL and says that he does it and he will continue to do it. He tells Cena that he’s not 20 years old anymore. He doesn’t live Shawn’s life. He got in it, he’ll get out of it and he doesn’t care what anyone thinks. Cena doesn’t believe him. Cena says that Shawn has another choice. The chants are loud tonight. Is Shawn the guy that helps JBL win the title? Cena doubts it. Shawn flinches and it gives JBL time to start the Rumble early. Cena gets Clotheslined to Hell while Shawn walks up the ramp. JBL is soon to follow.
Commercials.
Last week, Rey Mysterio fights off Mike Knox.
Rey Mysterio v. Mike Knox
Before Knox hits the ring. T-Grish tries to interview Mike Knox. He’s barely able to be heard with Mysterio’s music being played. The announcers claim that Knox has nothing against Mysterio and he attacks him for no particular reason. Mysterio takes it to Knox, sending him to the outside. Knox comes back inside and gets kicked to his knees. Mysterio runs the ropes and gets drilled with a lariat. Knox is in control in the corner. To the ropes and Rey eats a boot for two. Knox locks on the bearhug and Knox is bleeding from the mouth. Mysterio gets sent to the corner and Knox misses the charge. Knox is set up and HE CATCHES REY DOING THE 619! Rey gets guillotined on the top rope. Knox beats on Mysterio and the bell rings. The assault continues and Knox ends it with the KnoxOut.
Winner: Rey Mysterio via DQ
Grade: D+
Stephanie returns to her office and finds Chris Jericho. She orders him to leave, but Jericho doesn’t. He says that Vince has allowed him an audience tonight. He won’t hold anything back, then he leaves.
Commercials.
SmackDown Rebound: Jeff Hardy suffers another attack, this time from his pyro.
The Miz & Morrison are in the ring as we return from our break. They want to beat the first winner of the Royal Rumble, Hacksaw Jim Duggan. However, they get Cryme Tyme instead. Jim Duggan is on a special assignment tonight, so their counteroffer is a World Tag Team title shot. Morrison gets the cheap shot in saying that they are worse than the Cubs. So we get the match non-title.
The Miz & John Morrison v. Cryme Tyme
If Cryme Tyme wins, they get a future title shot; if they lose, Miz & Morrison won’t have to put up with them anymore.
Shad is in the ring with Morrison as the match starts. Morrison takes it to the big man, hitting a knee to the head. He takes out JTG and Shad reverses a whip and hits a few lariats. Miz is knocked silly and Morrison gets sent up and DOWN. The STO is countered and Miz and JTG interfere. The STO connects and that is your match.
Winners: Cryme Tyme
Grade: D-; That was a match?
We get a recap of Orton getting SERVED! Vince is about to return….soon!
Commercials.
We are back and we highlight the past Royal Rumble matches.
Backstage, Mickie James talk with Cody Rhodes. Goldust comes up and he gives him the Starcade DVD set, but Cody rejects it.
The long black limo shows up and you know what that means…Â Cryme Tyme v. Miz & Morrison was your main event match.
Commercials.
We’re back and Jillian Hall is giving the fans in Chicago a reason to go deaf. We get a recap of the fan attack last week. I retract my comment about the tag match being the main event. THIS….is your MAIN EVENT!
Jillian Hall v. Melina
They tie up and Jillian gets sent to the corner. Jillian takes advantage after missing the charge. The trio of Beth, Santino, and Rosa come out to ringside as Jillian gets two off Melina. Sloopy backbreaker connects for two. Melina gets screamed at and Jillian follows up with the corner thrusts. Sunset Flip by Melina…gets the win?
Winner: Melina
Grade: F
Melina points at Rosa and this causes Rosa to kick some ass, only for Beth to pick up the scraps saying that she needs no one’s help. Beth leaves Santino and Rosa behind.
Backstage, Dolph Ziggler is in the Rumble and he talks to Candice about it. Enter Vince McMahon. “Hi. My name’s Vince McMahon. And you’re…” Dolph is speechless.
Commercials.
Vince McMahon Returns!
We are back and WE ALL HAVE NO CHANCE IN HELL! But first, we get a recap of the contract signing earlier tonight. Vince makes his way out and he power walks to the ring! Everyone is happy to see Vince back and he’s happy to be back! Tonight, however, is about business. He introduces Chris Jericho and even though he is currently fired, he still has entrance music. Jericho proceeds to kiss up and he says that he carried RAW on his back while Vince was out. Jericho knows that Vince will make things right. The kiss ass is awesome. He says that Stephanie is worse than ever since being GM of RAW. Out comes Stephanie and things are about to pick up.
Vince doesn’t want to go over her head and he says that they will run RAW together. He asks her if she wants to give Jericho a second chance, but it’s up to her. She paces around Jericho. She says seductively that if he wants his job back, he has to apologize. He is silent for the moment, but he apologizes. She asks him to apologize again and he does. He has to do better than that. So, he apologizes and says that he was frustrated at him. It isn’t good enough for her. She wants him to be a hypocrite and apologize to the fans! The fans implore him to get on his knees. The public humiliation of Jericho continues. He has something to explain to the fans. He has a gift that makes him good. Jericho proceeds to ask for forgiveness for the things he did as a heel. She asks him to walk out of the ring and let the fans to tell him what they really think of him. Man, I don’t want to be Jericho right now. The McMahons hug in the ring and out comes Randy Orton!
Randy wants an apology for being SERVED earlier tonight! He thinks that Vince should tell Stephanie to apologize to him. Why? Because he’s worth more than she is! Ever since she popped out two kids, she has become worthless. This enrages Stephanie and Vince persuades her to leave that he would handle this. Who the Hell does Randy think he is? This is his UNIVERSE and Randy is priviledged to be in the ring. Had Vince not make Randy’s father a star, Randy would not be here right now, but he would be a gym teacher in St. Louis. So Vince wants Randy to apologize to Vince. Randy is silent, so Vince gives him an ultimateum. Apologize now or be FIRED! Randy tells Vince that he does not want to do that, SIR! Vince is about to say it, but Randy slaps him! Kick to the face and then…CONCUSSION KICK! Vince McMahon is down and Stephanie screams. Randy is thinking of evil intentions. He won’t. He isn’t. He thinks of it. Whew, I thought he was going to kick Stephanie in the head. Rhodes and DiBiase calm Randy down and Stephanie is in tears.
Show Over.
The WWE RAW Report Card
Melina d. Jillian Hall: F
Cryme Tyme d. The Miz & John Morrison: D-
Rey Mysterio d. Mike Knox via DQ: D+
CM Punk d. William Regal: A
Beth Phoenix d. Kelly Kelly: F
Randy Orton won a Six Man Battle Royal: N/A
Extra Credit: Contract Signing
Extra Credit: Vince Returns
Extra Credit: Decent build to the Royal Rumble
Penalty: Match Management? Dear WWE: How hard is it to make Punk/Regal the “main event” before Vince’s return?
Penalty: Five short Matches?
The Final Grade for WWE RAW 1.19.2009: Borderline D+/C-
This was the CM Punk/William Regal show. Watch that, the contract signing, and the return of Vince McMahon and you’d have almost a perfect show as combined, that was half the show. Sadly everything else tanked and unfortunately lowered the grade of the overall show. Half the show rated a F and the other half rated an A, but on the whole, for every good thing I noticed, there were bad things. The show was a build to the Rumble and that did the job. However, instead of Jillian/Melina being the main event, would it hurt to put Punk/Regal in that spot and give them ten more minutes. Just cut the two divas matches and we’d be happy. Enough complaining, here’s hope that next week’s RAW isn’t just a two hour premiere of 12 Rounds. Catch you all later this week!
