American Idol – Episode 8-3 Review

American Idol visits San Francisco. This is the city that brought us Huey Lewis, Starship and William Hung. They’re holding the auditions in the Cow Palace. They shot an episode of The Streets of San Francisco in that arena. Some guy proposes marriage while in line to a woman. Shocking! Will Harvey Milk run for the next American Idol?

First up is a Tatiana Del Toro who does anything that sounds artistic. She knows one of the world’s most powerful psychics who swears she’s going Top 12. My Magic 8 Ball disagrees. The woman vamps as if she’s going for Miss America. She’s certifiable. She’s a true San Francisco treat. She gives her press kit to Tara. Simon declares a few photos as naughty. Can you smell him voting yes? Finally she exposes her vocal cords. Simon shuts her down. He’s not impressed. She’s not giving up. She keeps belting out other songs in a desperate way. Paula says yes. She wants to bring the crazy to Hollywood. Randy says yes. Tara gives into her vibe. The flake is going to SoCal. 

Nick Reed makes this weird beatbox sound. A girl butchers Starship’s “We Built This City” which is painful since that song is already a bleeding mess.

Dean-Anthony Bradford shows up with a plaid coat that looks like a homage to basketball coaches of the ‘70s. He unloads the Simply Red that makes him look like he’s being choked by Simon. Simon bashes the guy’s hair color. Way to mock a man’s genetic make up.

Jesus Valenzula has a huge family outside the door. They’re all waiting for the good news. The guy barely sings a few notes before Simon cuts him off. He mentions the family. He brings his two sons into the room. They look so cute with their signs. Are they going to destroy the guy’s dreams in front of his children? Luckily the faces of the sad kids turn into a ticket to Hollywood. What an unfair advantage. Now everyone will drag their kids into the audition room. I’d rather come in with cast members of The Wire. They’re going to declare my performance of “Pac-Man Fever” as the second coming of Elvis with Omar and Marlo giving them the eye.

Dalton Powell is showing off his Rubik’s Cube talent. That’s really going to revive the music industry. He’s got the Pursuit of Happyness vibe minus the kid and the machine. He sings like a church mouse. He’s singing Smokey Robinson for dogs. He compliments Simon, but gets the stiff arm. Back to selling medical machines for him.

Another montage of crappy singing from the talent denial. Randy tells one nut that Paula wants to have his baby. That’s not good to say on the air after the story of Paula’s relationship with one former contestant.

Halfway through the show and we’ve had only two ticket winners. One is an annoying flake. The other got it off a major pity move. There’s got to be some true talent in the shadow of the Golden Gate Bridge. 

I’m loving this commercial about the angry onion being abused by a farmer. I won’t eat one, but I support violence against vegetables.

Ryan Seacrest is giving us the history of the Summer of Love in San Francisco. Where the hell is talk about drugs? Did those people paint their faces and dance around the park while sober? Give us tales of the Electric Acid Kool-Aid Tests! What about the Hell’s Angels hanging around that scene? Speaking of motorcycle gang beatdowns, Kara and Simon are butting heads in numerous auditions that we’re not seeing. Why aren’t we seeing this in real clips? Why are they hiding the meat from our diet?

Akilah Askew-Gholston is on the road to being a crazy cat lady. She’s showing off her notebook filled with how to sing diagrams from the internet. It’s got pictures of lungs and vocal cords. She’s going to be a pure meltdown. Why did the producers decide it was good to have this woman think she had a shot? She’s going to sing her original song about making “Sweet Love to You.” It comes out like a threat from the Hillside Strangler. She’s not taking no for an answer. The guards must have the cattleprods ready. This woman is someone you’d find wandering by the social services building. Did they have these auditions next to a psych ward? There are the colorful bad singers, but this woman seems shuffling her way towards a Thorazin diet.

They give us a quick montage of three people who got gold tickets. Guess they didn’t have that good of a back story like the diagram lady.

Annie Murdoch comes on with the Golden Gate Bridge on her chest. She wails on a few hideous notes during “Summertime.” My dog has puked from that note. This woman doesn’t realize there’s nothing entertaining about a shriek.

Adam Lambert tells us about how his hyperactivity has lead him to being in lots of musicals. He’s ready to give the judges a show. Doesn’t he know how Simon hates Broadway singers! Even though the Great White Way is covered in Idol stars, the Simon still despises the art form. Adam lets loose with Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Simon unloads the “theatrical” blast. Randy defends him. Nobody points out how Taylor Hicks is now part of a touring company of Grease. Simon changes his mind on Adam. Adam ends up hand kissing the judges. He’s on my favorites list. He better know what to do with his hands when the eliminations begin.

Throughout the night they’ve teased us with Kai Kalama who sacrificed his ambitions to help his ill mother. I hope this pays off. I don’t want to have to see him get torched. He comes off as a great guy. It’s almost like they’re doing the pre-interviews for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. If he doesn’t win this show, he ought to be the next star of The Bachelor. I’m so rooting for him to not stink. I want him to be in pitch. He sounds good. Simon calls him a “Ship’s singer.” Kara finally gets a live bitch fight with Simon. He gets four yes after Simon swaps his vote. Simon tells the guy to watch the show and study Simon for how to look confident. It’s easy to be confident when you’re the top dog in the room and your word will destroy dreams.

Twelve people were given tickets in Hollywood out of 10,000 plus. And somehow they view this as a good city. Really? Adam Lambert seems to be the only one picked who has the package to make it to the Top 12. Thankfully they didn’t have a montage of people wrecking “San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Flowers In Your Hair).”

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