Movie Hardball – Royal Rumble Edition

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Hey kids, welcome back to another edition of Movie Hardball. This installment finds this moderator particularly pumped because it is Royal Rumble time in the world of wrestling. For those who know what I am talking about, you probably share my anticipation. For those who don’t, Movie Hardball is here to better your understanding with a cinematic approach at interpreting this crazy rasslin’ event. This week Travis Leamons and Mike Noyes show their movie and wrestling expertise (or lack thereof) by trying to answer some truly unique questions about both topics. We hope you enjoy the discussion and recommend you stop over at Pulse Wrestling for the most comprehensive and in depth coverage of the 2009 Royal Rumble.

1. What character in movie history do you think has best endured over the years? Interpret this question however you like. Examples: Jason from Friday the 13th has survived more deaths than anyone. James Bond has survived six different actors’ portrayals.

Travis: Batman. And no, I’m not picking him because Alfred told Master Wayne to endure. But look at his legacy in film. Adam West hamming it up with Burt Ward in Batman: The Movie. Flash forward to 1989 and Tim Burton weaves a dark and macabre tale about the “Bat” (the inclusion of Prince songs, notwithstanding). He remained dark with Batman Returns, lightened up a bit with Batman Forever, and returned to his Adam West roots hamming things up again with Batman & Robin. Batman turns seventy this year in DC Comics and has seen five different actors play him on the big screen, the latest being Christian Bale.

The character has been turned every which way because of different visions, whereas with Bond it was business as usual until Daniel Craig’s portrayal changed how the public saw the James Bond character.

Mike: I’d say Batman. He was played by Lewis Wilson and Robert Lowery in serials in the 40’s. Then you had Adam West in the 60’s. The first modern Batman was, of course, Michael Keaton. He somehow managed to survive the terrible characterizations by Val Kilmer and George Clooney to finally bring us to Christian Bale. Not to mention all the animated incarnations. Through the good, the bad and the ugly, Batman has maintained as a popular character for over 60 years.

John: Well then, I was hoping for a debate over what horror monster has survived the most ludicrous deaths, maybe next time I will ask that specifically. By the way, for my money the best prolonged sequence like that is O.J. Simpson in The Naked Gun. But I will answer the question in similar fashion by agreeing with Batman as the character with the most endurance. The points made are hard to argue and I don’t feel I could say it better. However, just to be devil’s advocate, I would like to submit a Shakespeare character as truly having the longest reign in pop culture. Romeo and Juliet perhaps? And what about Jesus Christ? We’ve been telling stories about him for a while too.

2. What movie character has the highest body count to his or her credit?

Travis: Luke Skywalker. He blew up the Death Star, and because the explosion was so bad that a proper number of dead Stormtroopers could not be tallied.

Mike: I’m gonna have to go with John Rambo. In four films he’s killed 220 people. That’s pretty impressive.

John: While I am not sure the exact number of men and women working on both Death Stars during their unfortunate destructions, and I’m not sure if a group mind counts as one individual doing the killing, I do know that the aliens in Independence Day decimate a rather large chunk of the world’s population in quick order. Fortunately the myriad victims of the attack did not include Vivica A. Fox or her dog.

3. What is the best Battle Royale style movie? (i.e. No Escape, The Condemned, Escape from New York, Ready to Rumble…what?) What are some other honorable mentions?

Travis: I’m going with Walter Hill’s The Warriors. The true “rumble in the Bronx,” here you have New York City’s entire gang population out hunting the Warriors gang to collect a bounty. So the Warriors have to contend with cops, the Baseball Furies, the Punks and others.

Honorable mentions: Road House – Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliot taking care of wrestling legend Terry Funk in easy fashion; The Outsiders – Ralph Macchio becomes more of a man here than he did ever did performing “The Crane”

Mike: I’m gonna go with the cheap answer here and say the Japanese film, Battle Royale. A bunch of ninth graders are dropped off on an island and forced to kill each other. Very violent, messed up awesome movie.

A pretty good honorable mention is Smokin’ Aces. A bunch of hit men all killing each other while they all try to kill the same guy. Whole lots of killin’!

John: Like a centuries long battle royal where participants may only be eliminated by decapitation, Highlander is far and away the best battle royal movie, or at least concept. Besides, it’s right there in the tagline: “There can be only one.” That movie is due for an upgrade.

4. Hulk Hogan and The Rock have both won the Royal Rumble and gone on to star in a number of films. If all the characters they have respectively played were in a Royal Rumble, which one would win? Why?

Travis: Considering that Hulk Hogan has played in a slew of family films that are simple amalgamations of each other, The Rock already has a slight edge. His morphed Scorpion King character wouldn’t be able to get in the ring so he’s out. But in a shocking turn of events, Eliot Wilhelm (The Rock in Be Cool) wins the Rumble, last eliminating “Thunderlips” through unconventional means. The homosexual tough guy has the last laugh on the Hulkster.

Mike: For Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: I’ll have to go with Sarge from Doom, it’s a crap movie but the guy takes on a whole crap load of hell beasts or whatever they are. This is not a man to be taken lightly

For Hulk Hogan: Mr. Nanny. Nuff said.

John: “The homosexual tough guy has the last laugh on the Hulkster.” Isn’t that what happened when Hogan fought Orton at SummerSlam? Zing! Anyway, I think I am going to have to go with Suburban Commando on this one. The dude was able to fight intergalactic villains and put up with living with Christopher Lloyd and Shelley Duvall, so you know he has to be tough and have great endurance. Also, Joe King from The Game Plan had a high threshold for pain, but he was only human. Though I didn’t pick him to win, it is worth noting that Thunderlips will always hold a special place in my heart.

5. Big John Studd, Steve Austin, Triple H, The Undertaker, and John Cena have won the Royal Rumble and starred in a movie (or two) as well. If all their characters had a Royal Rumble, who would win? Why?

Travis: I’d have to go with Big John Studd. He has the most impressive resume of any of the other Royal Rumble winners mentioned, plus he played a guy named “Jack Daniels.” Tough to get anything stronger than that.

Mike: I don’t know what movies these guys have been in but I’m going with The Undertaker. He was my favorite wrestler when I was kid so there you go.

John: For those wondering here are the noteworthy (and I may use the term loosely) movies each man has starred in on the big screen:

Big John Studd – The Marrying Man, Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man
Steve Austin – The Longest Yard, The Condemned
Triple H – Blade: Trinity
The Undertaker – Suburban Commando
John Cena – The Marine

With that illustrious list I have to opt for Triple H’s vampire in Blade: Trinity. Immortal beings usually have super powers and vampires can fly and such so it would be easy for them to keep their feet from hitting the floor. Man, a second look at those movies is harrowing. No wonder no one takes wrestlers seriously as actors.

6. Of those who have won a Royal Rumble but have not starred in a film who would you most like to see in theaters? What would be that individual’s ideal role?

Travis: Chris Benoit in a remake of The Big Chill. He can be cast as the dead character.

Mike: None. The fewer wrestlers they put in movies the better.

John: Wow, harsh answers from the both of you. Personally, I’d like to see Ric Flair start getting roles as a comedic relief dad or grandpa in action and comedy flicks. Also, it would be intriguing to see a biopic of Vince McMahon’s life with McMahon playing himself.

7. Which did you like better: Drew Carey Host of “The Price is Right” or Drew Carey Royal Rumble contestant? Why?

Travis: Tough choice. Both involve Drew Carey in a comedy of errors. Though him trying to bribe Kane with money is pretty funny. Doesn’t Drew realize that “The Big Red Machine” is from hellfire and brimstone? What’s Kane going to do with a few Benjamins? Drink the night away at Dante’s Inferno Bar and Grill?

Mike: Can I go with secret option “C”? Wherein Drew Carey doesn’t host anything anymore and hides his head in the sand. Then The Undertaker body slams him for good measure.

John: Definitely Drew Carey as a Royal Rumble contestant. I won’t even watch “The Price is Right” without Bob Barker. Although when Drew Carey entered the Rumble I swore I would never watch wrestling again if he won. That thought didn’t seem so crazy at the time since David Arquette had just recently been WCW Champion. Thank Christ those days are behind us.

8. If you watch wrestling please describe the Royal Rumble as if it were a movie plot. If you do not watch wrestling what do you think the Royal Rumble is?

Travis: In a land where it’s every man for himself, thirty of them engage in a sweaty struggle for supremacy. We begin in the ring with two men. They lock up, collar and elbow together, trying to wear the other down. The idea is to throw your opponent over the top rope and have both feet touch the ground. If after two minutes no one has been eliminated another competitor comes to the ring. And it continues like that until one is left standing.

Mike: It’s the ultimate in testosterone infused ballet. A bunch of muscle clad sweaty men in tights acting out a perfectly choreographed fight that builds to the last man standing.

John: When the king of an ancient world has no one left to conquer he issues a challenge to 30 worthy adversaries from his own kingdom. In an all out battle royal to the death each man must attempt to outlast 29 others in order to claim victory. The catch: each man is allowed to join the fray after the fight has already started. The order of entry is pre-determined by…you know what? That doesn’t sound so great as a movie, but those who haven’t seen one will have to trust me that the Royal Rumble is awesome and worth a look at least once.

9. Who would you like to see win the 2009 Royal Rumble? Why?

Travis: The Royal Rumble is best when it is used to elevate talent or advance storylines. Since I don’t know what direction the WWE wants to head, I want to go with Chris Jericho, just because it is the only thing in WWE that he hasn’t accomplished. But while he may be one of the final five, I want Kane to win. This event marks his eleventh straight Rumble appearance. His biggest claim at the Rumble was eliminating a record-setting 11 competitors at the 2001 event. “The Big Red Machine” needs a good program for a change and it would offer something different in the main event scene.

Mike: I’d like to see The Ultimate Warrior come back and kick all these lame new guys asses.

John: If I can choose anyone, I choose the Macho Man circa 1989, but here in reality I will say Chris Jericho since I fear his push is being taken away. In truth, though, I wouldn’t mind seeing any of the individuals they are building as potential winners winning the whole thing. WWE has some interesting stories unfolding right now and this year’s Rumble looks to be truly spectacular.

That’s it for this week. Thanks for reading and enjoy the Royal Rumble.