They are doing the <i>American Idol</i> auditions just outside of Jacksonville, Florida. Isn’t that considered Georgia? This is a city on the verge of losing its NFL franchise. They need the comfort of Simon before Los Angeles swipes their Jaguars.
The show opens with the judges in a police led motorcade. Shame these aren’t the culture police because then we’d see them bring ‘em to a wall and not a table. Simon and Ryan bicker in the back of a limo. How can a limo chauffeur focus on the road when his eyes are locked on Ryan and Simon’s haircuts? But there is a worse haircut to be exposed. They dig up video footage of Randy’s time with Journey. He was part of the band when Steve Perry went nuts and fired the rhythm section. Perry hired two fat replacements to make sure the ladies wouldn’t swoon for the new boys. Randy’s Journey hair ought to be inducted in Coif Hall of Fame. Ryan jokes that Jacksonville is Randy’s namesake. Simon trash talks the dawg judge, but not to his face.
The first contestant to see the judges is Joshua Uloa. He has hair like Justin Guarini (runner up from the first season). Joshua doesn’t mind when people think he’s Justin. Who remembers Justin? People who book musical acts for cruise ships? Girls who were unable to sell their DVD of <i>From Justin to Kelly</i>? Joshua sings Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On.” He has a good voice, but keeps defeating the song by making lame trumpet and scratching noises. Simon attacks the gimmicky approach. Randy thinks it was entertaining. He gets four yes votes.
Sharon Wilbur shows up with her little dog. It’s a shitzu. I like typing “Shitzu” since it looks like I’m cussing in Japanese. She puts the dog on Simon’s lap. What? Way to suck up to the judges. Simon does look natural with a lapdog. Sharon does “Superstar by Karen Carpenter.” Excuse me? It’s “The Carpenters.” They were a brother-sister act. She’s not too impressive, but the dog on the lap makes Simon say yes. What about the girls? Paula and Kara do a fake lesbian kiss with her hand between their lips. What’s the point of that? Give us the goods. Kara is shocked that Paula kissed her. The new judge figured Simon would be the first to molest her. Sharon gets a golden ticket.
Wow. This is remarkable that we get two colorful winners up front instead of a parade of trainwrecks. Although we’re teased with a Paula meltdown. That’s always a reason to watch.
Ryan shows off the beauty of Jacksonville. His golf cart gets stranded in the middle of the swampy goodness. He swats at mosquitos. I don’t want to find out that the mosquito crop has died because of something they caught from Ryan.
Dana Moreno takes the show off the rails with a shriek that would make a kicker shank a Super Bowl winning field goal. It’s the kind of voice that breaks glass – by having them thrown at her. She insists she can take direction. Simon directs her to the door. She’s toast. Ryan finally finds himself back to the final audition space.
Kaneswa Finnie is a high schooler with a very proud mother. She does too much vocal percussion between her lines. She holds notes like they’re gift certificates for Sharper Image. Simon thinks the song got worse as it progressed. He hates her voice. She refuses to agree with his judgment. Simon demands she bring in her mother. He nails the old lady by saying, “The audition is terrible.” Way to humiliate the parents on national TV. Mom is still proud, but doesn’t go <i>Springer.</i>
Julissa Veloz is Miss Florida Latina USA arrives in her sash and crown. Is there a Miss Idaho Latina USA? For all the Latin talk, she breaks into a Whitney Houston song. Why no love for the Miami Sound Machine? She reminds me of Tyra Banks reminding us of what she’d look like as Miss Florida Latina USA. She has this hideous muppet laugh. Simon doesn’t think that she sucks as much as he expected. After Kara speaks, Randy calls for a vote. Paula gets pissed off that her opinion doesn’t matter anymore. She semi-storms off, but somehow she comes back after a short little chat with Julissa behind the backdrop. Trainwreck averted. But you can smell the tension is cooking with Paula fearing she’s being edged off the table. They decide to let Julissa come out to Hollywood, but you can tell she’s going to be dead meat early.
Darin Darnell is introduced as an outgoing kinda guy. He’s a regular politician on the stump as he hangs out in the audition tent. He’s really comfortable around the camera crew. He’s auditioning for Ryan’s gig or at least to be Entertainment Tonight’s Special <i>American Idol</i> correspondent. However the charm vanishes when his friend gets cut. He’s now crying in the lobby. He’s lost his mojo. He looks like he’s auditioning for <i>Extreme Makeover: Home Edition</i> with a pathetic near cry trapped in his voice. He’s got no spunk. He picks a sad song, but his voice is too sad and out of tune. Kara tells him that the music business if paved with heartache. If he can’t take it at this level, he being done a favor. He sulks into the night with no song in his heart.
Naomi Sykes juices the judges by bringing in her best friend who loves Randy. Simon suggest the friend sits on Randy’s lap during the audition. Dogs and lapdances to appease the judge. Paula sits on Simon’s lap while Ryan plops down on Kara. She does “Lovin’ You” in a horror show voice that wouldn’t even cut it in the shower. The judges join in the singing to reduce the pain. Simon thinks it’s a joke audition. Naomi breaks down in tears. All the judges hug her except Simon. Cold hearted bastard can’t admit he can be realistic without destroying a human’s soul.
There’s a montage of the day’s winners (only 9) and losers (way too many). Simon thinks it’s been a terrible audition day. Speaking of terrible, the trailer for <i>He’s Just Not That Into You</i> looks like it was a <i>Friends</i> clipshow with bigger stars. Is there a single cinematic moment being promoted? It’ll be repeatedly rerun on TBS next year.
Day Two once more sells us the idea that the people in the arena go immediately to see the judges. We get highlights from an alligator farm. This is where Simon disposes of his unsigned prospects. Jasmine Murray seems like she should have been given more backstory time with her sister. We don’t get any home footage. Simon says, “Cute, commercial and a very good singer.” Nice to see that singing is a third priority for him. Four yes votes and she heads off to showbiz nirvana.
George Ramirez is another science nerd. He’s working on his professor beard. He’s supposed to be 18, but has more facial hair than <i>Grizzly Adams</i>. I haven’t seen a beard that thick since Arianna Huffington. They ask where he imagines himself being in a few years. He responds by talking about real estate he wants to own. George does a weak version of Katrina & The Waves’ “Walking on Sunshine” that has had all the fun and bounced drained out. He’s rejected, but doesn’t argue that singing is his life. He’s back to the books. His mathlete buddies will idolize him.
Anne Marie Boskovich stands nervously in front of the judge. She worships Kara. She breaks out a song she heard Kara sing in Nashville. She has a great voice. Simon has an issue with her looks. He wants to see her in a different look. She rushes out of the room to get makeup and alter her outfit. Simon must have been watching <i>Queer Eye For the Straight Guy</i> at the hotel.
T.K. Hash returns from being rejected last season. He does John Lennon’s “Imagine” with a soulful vibe. At least he’s done more than impersonating the old radio hit. Paula thinks he’s improved from his last time. Randy thinks he’s changed the song too much. Simon says no, but the others overrule him. He’s finally going to Hollywood.
We get a montage of parents pimping their kids. They’re all proud. Not one dad says that if the kid doesn’t go to Hollywood, he’s heading to boot camp.
Michael Perrelli looks like the coffeshop goofball with his acoustic guitar and do-rag covered hair. He looks like he should be working at the local tofu hut. He has a breakdown when they tell him that he can’t sing and play guitar. His crying fit is not quite as bad as Darin Darnell. I’ve seen cold turkey heroin junkies sweat less than this kid. Why exactly did this kid think he was going to get to play and sing for the judges? Has anyone else done this? Dogs, girlfriends and toddlers are the only props allowed in the room. He does a Third Eye Blind song. There’s very little character to his voice. After a lackluster performance, Simon is really unimpressed. Michael begs for a chance to play his guitar and do another song. He looks pathetic, but what can he do since music is his life? He promises us that he’s going to make it. Maybe if he can claim he’s the lost Jonas brother.
They bring back Anne Marie Boskovich with a revamped look. We already heard her voice in the snipped of Kara’s mystery song. She sings another song. She’s got chops. Randy claims that based on the voice, he says yes. Based on the voice? Why did she get a makeover? There’s something humiliating about what they did to Anne.
Only 16 tickets were given out in total. Are they going to have enough kids in Hollywood to make cuts before the public phones in votes? We get treated to a montage of “Walking on Sunshine” done by winners, losers and the crowd. It’s so damn peppy. Did you know that one of the Waves in Katrina and the Waves was in the Soft Boys with Robyn Hitchcock? How come you never hear anyone audition with Robyn’s “I Often Dream of Trains?” I smell the fix was in for George Ramirez’s audition. Did the producers force him to sing that song to get on the show? There’s no way it was a coincidence that George prepared the song that the producers had the crowd sing at the arena audition.
Tomorrow night is Salt Lake City. They’re going to have an Osmond audition. Really? Now that Donnie Osmond is going to be competing on <i>Dancing With the Stars</i>, they’re going to be everywhere. They just won’t leave us alone.
Jacksonville is a rather boring episode. Anne Marie Boskovich might have a top 12 shot if Simon doesn’t keep revamping her look.
