American Idol – Episode 8-6 Review

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American Idol‘s sixth audition brings them to the home of Big Love; country: Salt Lake City, Utah. Does this mean the judges’ Coke cups will mysteriously turn green to promote Sprite? And how will Paula deal with the weakest beer in the world? How will she be able to swallow her meds with tinctured water? The show opens with a little recap of David Archuleta’s rise last season. It only seems like weeks ago when the guys at the Children’s Television Workshop stitched together the Archuleta muppet. Ryan asks if everyone is squeaky clean in Utah. The answer comes in a fat who flashes his man-boobs. The big teasers are a new Osmond and a guy in a pink bunny suit embracing Simon. Was this supposed to be a scene in Donnie Darko 2: Electric Hare.

Ryan once more misleads us by claiming “the judging room is still quietly awaiting thousands of voices to pass through.” Do we really think Simon has to hear over a 1,000 people singing in his visit?   R.E.M.’s “Shiny Happy People” plays over the throngs of cute kids. I don’t think the citizens of Utah approve of Michael Stipe’s decadent lifestyle. While they push the clean living image of the place, I remember a documentary on gang wars in Salt Lake City. Plus what about the religious hobos that abduct and marry your daughters? How can a community be safe that promotes the rampant support of Jazz? The judges expect talent.

They don’t tease us with waiting for the Osmond to audition. David Osmond is the the son of Alan. He’s 29 so this will be his last chance. We get a montage about the Osmond brothers and learn about growing up Osmond. Alan and David suffer from MS. Sometimes the sickness puts him in a wheelchair and he can’t play the guitar. But he’s looking good on this audition day. He does a Take 6 song. He’s got the family’s voice. Simon scolds him for not being contemporary. He gets through. So now we get an Osmond here and Dancing With the Stars. Plus they’re booked at the Flamingo in Las Vegas. Not to mention Marie on all those diet ads. I grew up in the ‘70s and Osmonds weren’t this ubiquitous in their heyday.

Another ad for Hotel for Dogs. Just a slight warning for parents that they shouldn’t try to save a few bucks and take their kids to Motel For Roaches. It has a really sad ending. And what’s up with Kumar telling us we need to Mentor kids. How about he give me directions to White Castle.

Ryan introduces us to a girl who looks like she’s arrived at Marilyn Manson concert. Tara Matthews is in black and pale Goth gear although she says she isn’t a Goth. She can predict when people can die. They don’t ask her how long until her music career hits the grave. She has a nasal yodel that couldn’t be covered up by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Randy checks his watch. Simon doesn’t stop her until she goes into the next verse. Off she goes and gives the middle finger to the camera.

We get a montage of kids who can give William Shatner a run for the money. One spaced out guy does this nasty tongue lick. Now Greg the Rabbit has arrived in his pink bunny seat. Turns out that the guy is just there to support his pal, Chris Kirkman. The bouncing bunny distracts Simon. The kid does a Del Amitri song. He also has a t-shirt with Simon looking like Sean Hannity. Hmmmm. Notice that Simon doesn’t let Alan Colmes talk either? Simon embraces the bunny, but refuses to give out a ticket.

They keep joking about the niceness of the people. They are so complimenting when Simon gives them the bad news. Such polite folks when compared with certain hot ghetto mess that ended up during the auditions at San Quentin co-hosted with MSNBC’s Lock Up. Remember when Randy was shived? Ryan tries to get the upcoming contestants to become whiners when they first hear no.

Frankie Jordan promotes herself as a stay at home mom. She says she’s born to do this. She’s come in from Hollywood to audition. She does Amy Winehouse which works well since she looks like the pre-doped up and tattooed songstress. Always good to impress Simon by singing “Roger Moore.” That’s what Simon has ultimately based his persona around. Not when Roger was playing James Bond, but from his time on The Persuaders when he was trading barbs with Tony Curtis. Everyone says yes to Frankie and now we have a real plant snuck into the competition. Frankie Jordan is another “second whack at fame” contestant. Turns out she had a song on the Win a Date With Tad Hamilton soundtrack. Plus her husband won Rediscovered hosted by Donny and Marie Osmond. Being a citizen in Utah, you are required to have proof of meeting Donnie and Marie to renew your driver’s license. Did anybody buy the Tad Hamilton soundtrack? Not exactly the 21st Century version of Footloose.

Megan Corkrey is a single mother. We get to spend the day at her house with the little toddler roaming. She’s divorced and has an arm sleeve tattoo. That makes her rare in the clean family state. She’s a cute blond with a tattoo. Luckily she doesn’t bring in the baby to the final audition room to push the pity vote. But she doesn’t need it being a cute female. Simon is fixated. The voice is OK. Her young mom charm works miracles. Simon loves her. Kara says she has an incredible face. “She’s different,” Simon declares after handing out the golden ticket.

We get to see a montage of “Welcome to Hollywood” winners who don’t get their name or voices exposed. 

Andrew Gibson has a deep voice that makes him perfect for an Oak Ridge Boys cover band. Simon says it’s not his definition of soul. He’s cast out. He plans on going back to school.  Austin Sisneros is still in school and is the high school president. We see the Homecoming preparations. He does a song by Train. Why not just do the Strawberry Alarm Clock? Train songs never sound good without payola. He doesn’t do well. He begs to do a second song by Raffi. Amazingly enough, Simon agrees. He sounds better this time around doing the kiddie star’s material. Randy wasn’t impressed with the material. He still votes yes. He charms his way to a Golden Ticket. He proves you can badger the judges to a 4-0 vote. I already hate this kid. He’s marked to cry in the hotel hallway.

We finally gat a montage of kids crying at rejection. What’s up with the girl and her old lady ventriloquist dummy? Why can’t we see that trainwreck? Did they duet? Did the dummy sit on Simon’s lap?

Jarret Burns gets a brief clip of what we think is a successful audition. There’s no vote shown on screen. A time lapse session with overlapping audio reminds us of how many bad singers go in front of the judges. There’s howling of all ranges and proportions. In case you’re curious, they are still drinking out of Coke cups.

Taylor Vaifanua is a very tall 16 year old from Hurricane, Utah. How did a town in Utah get named after a Hurricane? This is almost as strange as The Utah Jazz. Does anyone remember the Weather Channel charting hurricane impacts on Salt Lake City’s shoreline? They compare her to Jordin Sparks when she enters the room. She does “Joyful, Joyful.” The religious tune warms the hearts of the heathen Hollywood judges. Kara admits to seeing Taylor in the women’s room practicing a few times. Don’t they have VIP bathrooms for the judges? Shouldn’t Simon have his own gold plated urinal that Ryan can’t use? Taylor gets in easily. While not a plant, this girl does have her own CD, website and myspace page. She’s bound for glory which is why her parents took her away from a Pacific Island.

Rose Flack gives another sob story. She’s a hippy high schooler with dreaded up bleach blond hair and constant barefeet. She’s like Darryl Hannah’s daughter. She’s an orphan that’s been taken in by a friend’s family. Once more I get a sense that Ty Pennington is supposed to show up and give her a new house. She’s extremely cute. She can pass the audition if her voice is William Hung quality. Luckily she has a very full and expressive voice. She’s got heads bobbing on the judges’ table. Paula thinks she’s cool.  Simon declares, “I didn’t think it was the best song choice. But there’s something about you which I absolutely love.” Not quite talking about the voice. Rose and her dirty feet will be tramping down to Hollywood.

A dozen people are picked from Salt Lake City. We get a montage of the lucky few. They’re bouncing off the walls.

Thursday night will have New York City and San Juan, Puerto Rico slammed into a single house. Mayor Bloomberg will complain about having to share a slot while lame Jacksonville got its own hour. Salt Lake City was a bit of a bounce as far as competitors go. Kara however isn’t faring well. She’s not really adding much to the discourse. Perhaps Simon has been using his elbows to keep her leaning back in the chair. Is it Randy or the editors that have made him cut back on “pitchy” as a constant response?

Joe Corey is the writer and director of "Danger! Health Films" currently streaming on Night Flight and Amazon Prime. He's the author of "The Seven Secrets of Great Walmart People Greeters." This is the last how to get a job book you'll ever need. He was Associate Producer of the documentary "Moving Midway." He's worked as local crew on several reality shows including Candid Camera, American's Most Wanted, Extreme Makeover Home Edition and ESPN's Gaters. He's been featured on The Today Show and CBS's 48 Hours. Dom DeLuise once said, "Joe, you look like an axe murderer." He was in charge of research and programming at the Moving Image Archive.