For Your Consideration…They Picked the Right Brother

Welcome to the first column of 2009 for FYC.

Actually, it’s the first FYC column of mine in quite some time, and for that I apologize. There are several factors to blame as to why I didn’t get anything written in about a month and a half or so, but the top thing I’ll blame is the Earth’s rotation around the sun.

There aren’t enough hours in the day, folks. Between law school finals, working a full schedule in a law firm, a packed winter break with my girlfriend and now the start of my last semester of school ever, time to write a column has been woefully cut short. Now that I’m on a more normal schedule, I hope to be able to do a more normal column as I always expected to do.

As you can see, I’ve done away with the “week #” at the top, mainly because I don’t have the patience to figure out what week I’m on anyway (if any of you out there wanna do that for me, knock yourselves out). Anyhow, I’m reinvigorated and ready to rip into the current WWE programming from the past week or so, including looking at what superstars have to look forward to in the coming 11 months, as well as why one brother was a better pick than another brother. But first…

Here’s the obligatory best of 08 nonsense that I wrote a few weeks ago and never got around to actually uploading:

Top Songs of 2008:1) Weezer- “Thought I Knew”/“King”
2) The Killers – “Human”
3) Vampire Weekend – “A Punk”/“Walcott”
4) The Offspring – “You’re Gonna Go Far, Kid”
5) The Whigs – “Like a Vibration”
6) Jason Mraz – “Details In the Fabric”
7) The Airborne Toxic Event – “Sometime Around Midnight”
8) OAR – “Shattered”
9) Coldplay – “Viva La Vida”
10) My Morning Jacket – “Touch Me, I’m Going to Scream, Part 2”
11) Alkaline Trio – “Help Me”
12) Death Cab for Cutie – “I Will Possess Your Heart”
13) Flobots – “Handlebars”
14) Carolina Liar – “I’m Not Over”
15) Phantom Planet – “Do the Panic”
16) MGMT – “Time to Pretend”
17) The Raconteurs – “Salute Your Solution”
18) Pennywise – “Western Wall”
19) Atreyu – “Falling Down”
20) The Ting Tings – “Shut Up and Let Me Go”

Top Movies of 20081) The Dark Knight
2) Zach and Miri Make a Porno
3) Iron Man
4) Forgetting Sarah Marshall
5) Pineapple Express
6) Tropic Thunder
7) Wall-E
8) Step Brothers
9) Cloverfield
10) Dan in Real Life

Top Shows of 2008
1) Lost
2) Mad Men
3) Californication
4) The Office
5) Entourage
6) How I Met Your Mother
7) Burn Notice
8) 30 Rock
9) The Middleman
10) True Blood

There, it’s over and done with. I’d go into detail but frankly I got too much wrestling stuff to get into. First up, the Rumble…

Royally Screwed

Get it? Clever, right? Anyway, the Rumble was Sunday, today’s Thursday, but I’m talking about it anyway. Why? Because I’ve been out of the loop for like a month and a half and want to dive right in with the so-called “everyone’s favorite show of the year”.

Opening Match: Matt Hardy v. Jack Swagger for the ECW Title
Okay, let me get this out in the open right now before we begin…I called it. Say what you want, oh ye of little faith, but I called the Matt Hardy heel turn. In fact, it’s the thrust of my commentary today, so stay tuned (or if you’re an impatient ass, feel free to scroll down, but just know you’ll miss some brilliant stuff)…

Anyway, the match itself was really, really good. I will admit that I’m not the biggest Matt Hardy fan. The only point in time when he was truly interesting (in-ring interesting, not complete meltdown due to the fact that his girlfriend was screwing a better worker interesting) was when was Matt Hardy v. 2.0, but that eventually fizzled out because the WWE does not believe a comedy heel can get over. So, now we might finally get an interesting Matt Hardy. But first…he jobs.

I like Jack Swagger. I liked Jack Swagger from the beginning (as opposed to Ricky Ortiz…I maintain I was the first guy to truly hate him, and if you don’t believe me, track down Glazer). Jack Swagger is the next “Next Big Thing” in the WWE. Oddly enough, the only thing Swagger’s missing is Paul Heyman as his manager. Jack can work, he can draw heat and he can smile with the best of them. On a completely nerd level, he looks like the people who got poisoned with Joker Fish in the old “Batman: TAS”. Yep, you weren’t expecting a Batman: The Animated Series reference, were ya? So, all Jack really needs is a mouthpiece. Let me just point one thing out, he CAN talk. He’s not afraid to cut promos with his high-pitched lispy voice, which is admirable. He’s got the same chip on his shoulder that Lashley and Lesnar had, but he isn’t balking from his impediment. He’s facing his vaguely gay sounding voice head-on and making the most of it. Best of all? It’s working. Fans HATE Swagger. Not only that, he’s so uncool that they won’t try to turn him face! Jack’s obnoxious smile and pussy-boy voice ensures that he isn’t going to be turned into the “cool” heel like Randy Orton. Jack’s gonna be a bone-fide bad guy, the kind of heel the WWE has been desperate for for years. Best part? He can work. He is the kind of in-ring athlete that makes you take notice, and his attitude ensures that people will pay money to see him get his ass kicked. After Swagger retires Dreamer, his feud with Evan Bourne is going to make MONEY.

Matt losing to Swagger in a hard-hitting match with a fairly cop-out ending was the perfect culmination of the mini-feud. Jack pinned Matt relatively clean, and with the use of the steel ringpost and subsequent heel turn, Matt’s title loss won’t taint him a bit. Solid opener, slightly shocking finish and everyone went home happy (especially because the ECW title was actually contested on a PPV!)

Women’s Title Match: Beth Phoenix v. Melina
I didn’t care about the match’s build-up because I don’t like Melina. Everyone knows I don’t like her. I know this comes off as sexist and rude, but the ugliness of Melina immediately trumps any interest I have in seeing her work as a face. As a heel? Sure. I subscribed to Vince’s whole “the ugly girl has to be the heel” thing because ugly versus ugly isn’t going to pop the crowd (in more ways than one…hayooo!) Giving Melina the belt doesn’t make too much sense unless the point is for Beth to regain the title thanks to the assistance from her stalker/intern (who, I will point out, is hot and a heel…a Maryse dynamic).

Basically this match was the usual Beth beats people up (or beats them with their own feet) and instead of her winning, she got beat in a fluke (the way Mickie James normally wins…speaking of which, why wasn’t she given this slot instead?). Melina’s a placeholder here and with no other heel women on the RAW side besides Jillian Hall, I have a feeling she won’t hold this title for too long.

World Heavyweight Championship: John Cena v. JBL
Not gonna lie, this should have had JBL go over. I can’t believe I just typed that, but there it is in black and white. John Bradshaw Layfield should have won the World Heavyweight Championship on Sunday. The WWE had absolutely nothing to lose by putting the gold on JBL. Instead, they kept it on the stale (he’s only been back a few months and he’s stale? How’d that happen) and rudderless John Cena. Here’s why JBL should have walked away with the gold:

First: Shawn Michaels cheated for him.
This right here is clear evidence for giving Bradshaw the gold. Shawn Michaels, the guy who was supposed to be the morally responsible guy (wow, reading those SmarK rants and then writing that shows how much changes in a decade), broke not only his own code but defied the Undertaker. He Superkicked Cena and then put JBL over him. That should have been your finish. It kept Cena protected, it gave Bradshaw a cheap win and it allowed Shawn to still be the ethically confused superstar without being under JBL’s thumb. By having Cena still win, it wasted Shawn’s chicanery. Still, the entire match was about that “moment”, and the WWE gave us our moment.

Second: The Elimination Chamber
JBL would win the gold at the Rumble, yes, but he wouldn’t go to the main event at Wrestlemania. He was going to enter the Chamber with some drama and have him drop the gold to one of five combatants, adding even more drama to the Mania main event. Now we get Cena in the Chamber and he ain’t losing the damn title.

Third: They can never give JBL the belt again.
JBL came back, presumably, for one more title run. When else will he be in a hot storyline? When else would his title win be ensured to not kill ratings?
Fans are tuning into RAW for several reasons, the least of which is the World Champion. Randy Orton versus McMahon-amania is the true star of the show, with the whole HBK as a broken down and broke superstar the subplot of the program. JBL as champ wouldn’t deter people from tuning in, and with the EC as the main event of No Way Out, the buyrates would be huge regardless.

But, we got Cena as champ and he’ll rocket his way to the main event of Wrestlemania against Randy Orton in the match most people believed would have headlined Mania 22. We also, sadly, will endure JBL/HBK at Mania. Oh well, at least it keeps both guys away from the main event

WWE Title Match: Jeff Hardy v. Edge
Right match, right outcome. Edge deserves the WWE Title a lot more than Jeff Hardy does, as Edge has proven that he can carry the show regardless of who his opponent is. Even better, he’s managed to keep his heat despite Hunter coming over to Smackdown and taking over his show. Jeff Hardy, on the other hand, got white hot really fast and then fizzled out. His lame storyline with the sabotage has been a great way to keep him off television and out of the ring, which gave him the feel of the ultimate lame-duck champion.

The addition of the no-DQ stipulation opened the door for Jeff to lose the gold without looking horrible or getting truly buried, though being a feud where the two guys really going at it were Vickie and Triple H, he couldn’t NOT get buried. Anyway, Chavo looked like a chump, sure, but he took the “big” spot in the match so that Edge could stay fresh for the finish. Having Jeff go after Chavo when he should have been focused on Edge made him once again look like a fool. Remember a few months ago where it seemed like Jeff Hardy was poised to be the WWE’s answer to the Joker? Now where’s he at?

With Edge holding the belt and Jeff tied up with Matt, Wrestlemania’s main event looks poised for another triple threat match. The combatants? Edge, Hunter and Big Show. That’s right, kids, Big Show. The WWE brought him back a year ago and he really hasn’t done jack squat. He showed up to Mania to job to Floyd Mayweather and since then has been in go-nowhere feuds with Khali and The Undertaker. His current role as the odd-man-out makes him perfect to play the tweener in the main event (even though the 25th Anniversary of Wrestlemania should have two singles matches as the headlines), and frankly his surprisingly decent work ethic should be rewarded.

The Royal Rumble
Ah, “THE” match. Randy Orton winning wasn’t too much of a surprise to anyone who pays attention. The writing had been on the wall for weeks, but Randy’s punting of Mr. McMahon pretty much solidified his spot as the top guy in the WWE. Quite frankly, he needed to win the Rumble. Orton’s return has been a lot of big talk followed by a lot of jobbing. His formation of Legacy seemed less like an epic event and more like an afterthought, and the group really needed to lock it down in order to make it count. Mixing in the untalented Samoans didn’t exactly lend prestige to the group, so being part of the final four was essential.

The Rumble itself was a good but not great one, with too many “skin the cat” moments and too many comedy bits. Look, it was cool when Shawn first did the skin the cat move all those years ago, but having it happen like 20 times undercut what was once a neat visual. And no, Jim Ross, nobody bought your whole “they must have been training to do that” thing. It was lame.

Speaking of JR, it was great to hear him and the King again. Cole and Lawler have yet to gel, and somehow Michael Cole forgot how to call a coherent match altogether. Jim Ross and Tazz are doing good things on Friday, but it ain’t JR and the King. (And yes, I will reiterate something I was the first one on the site to point out, and that’s how awesome Striker is on commentary) With that said, I think adding Matt to the Rumble itself would have spoiled the reunion.

Rey as the first participant made sense. The entire match had the undercurrent of “could he do it again?” mystique that no one actually believed but still caught onto nonetheless. Morrison as #2 allowed the two of them to have a few minutes of fun before the anarchy commenced, so kudos to you, Patterson.

My other major beef was the number of comedy moments in the Rumble. I like a few funny spots (like the entire ring stopping their brawling to watch the entrance of the Undertaker), but having Dolph Zigler, The Brian Kendrick AND Santino Marella all make 20 second (or less) appearances took away the gag completely. Sadly, I will miss the Warlord’s record, though Marella sold it like a champ.

A lot of people complained about Hacksaw Jim Duggan being in the Rumble, but it didn’t really phase me. He won the first one and was taking a spot away from another boring entrant (Chavo, Hawkins, Ryder, Boogeyman) and it popped the crowd. My bigger beef was with RVD. Look, I was a big Rob Van Dam fan from back when I saw him on Sunshine Network on the old ECW syndicated shows that aired on Fridays at 1 am, so the thought of him back on WWE TV is always a positive. Except here.

RVD isn’t going to come back to the WWE in a full-time capacity any time soon (or ever), so bringing him in here like they did at the 15th Anniversary show just sort of cheapens his appearances. If RVD is going to show up, hype it. If not, don’t use him in the Snuka surprise role. He came into the ring, he kicked a bunch of folks, he did the 5-Star and he left. It was a short-term benefit with no long-term benefit. The end.

Now, the end of the Rumble was a thing of pure sports entertainment. I fully expected the end to be some combination of Legacy, Taker, Hunter and a player to be named later. My guess would have been Rey going the distance, but instead they went with the Big Show. You had three of the top stars in modern wrestling in there with the three upstarts. Then, for whatever reason, Taker and Show continued their brawling and despite being veterans chose to voluntarily fight on the apron. Oh well.

Hunter versus the Legacy was the obvious way to end the Rumble. With HHH on Smackdown, he’s not really intertwined with their shenanigans. This allows Randy and his Evolutionary Horsemen to claim victory over The Game without actually having to pin him. In fact, the final four elimination stuff was so choreographed you’d swear it was a dance. Clothesline, backflip, dump. I’m all for Randy winning and I’m all for it coming down to him and Hunter, but there was no way (and I mean NO WAY) that Hunter would be final 2 again and get eliminated clean. Now with him in the final 2, he has a legit claim to being in the Elimination Chamber match.

Where does the WWE go from here?

Well, Mania looks to have a pretty stacked card. A theoretically stacked card, but a stacked card nonetheless. This means that the Rumble did its job.

1) John Cena v. Randy Orton: Top face versus top heel. The only problem is that we’ve seen a Cena/Orton feud before and right now Randy’s beef is with the McMahons and not John Cena. This one feels like Cena’s an afterthought, and unless there’s a last second audible, the match will feel a lot like HHH/Jericho at 18.

2) Edge v. Triple H v. Big Show: I still maintain they’ll go triple threat to ensure that Orton/Cena gets top billing. Edge/Hunter straight up would leave Show out in the cold (again), and I think the three of them could string together a decent match. Let Hunter win the Elimination Chamber and have Show sort of snap and demand to be in there. Or something. I don’t get paid to book Mania.

3) Jeff Hardy v. Matt Hardy: I will talk about this feud in a minute, but needless to say, brother v. brother in a blood feud should be sweet.

4) Shawn Michaels v. JBL: Here Shawn will probably put his career on the line against his freedom. JBL will babble about how Shawn’s Wrestlemania moment was retiring Flair, so JBL will retire him. Shawn will talk about how beating JBL will redeem his soul and free him from debt or whatever.

5) Tommy Dreamer v. Jack Swagger: I know, this is a major stretch and probably just fantasy booking, but Dreamer’s nearing the end of his fully active streak and a singles match at Wrestlemania would be the pinnacle of his career. And the guy deserves it.

6) Money in the Bank: The WWE can have the most talented MITB ever if they so desired. Rey’s got nothing to do, so toss him in there. Same for Morrison. Then you got MVP, Kennedy, Shelton and Kendrick from Smackdown. That leaves two more spots open for Punk and either Kingston or Jericho. With news breaking that Jericho won’t be facing Mickey Rourke, it looks like he’s got nothing else to do. Why not let him go into the match he invented? I think MVP’s gotta win this to validate the losing streak, but it’s almost anybody’s game. Kennedy needs to reconnect with the fans, Rey’s got to have some excuse to validate his contract (though I wouldn’t be surprised if Low Ki cost him the shot), Shelton’s been damn impressive with Taker and Punk could be the first back-to-back winner.

7) Women’s Title: Beth Phoenix v. The Hot Intern Chick

8) Undertaker v. Umaga: Why the hell not?

Now, onto the thrust of the column (this far down and I haven’t even got to my topic…for shame),

For Your Consideration…They Picked the Right Brother

A lot of people expected Christian to be the guy. A lot of people. At one point I was 100% convinced that Christian was going to be the guy behind the sabotaging of Jeff Hardy. Then it dawned on me…it has to be Matt Hardy.

My feelings on Matt Hardy were clear above. When he’s a motivated heel, he could be entertaining. When he’s one half of the Hardy Boys, he’s acceptable. When he’s a dull face, he’s painfully dull. All the earmarks for his heel turn were there for months; the fact that his title win was overshadowed by Jeff’s inability to win, the fact that he kept being interviewed about Jeff’s attacks instead of his own accolades, the fact that he’s a world champion on ECW while his brother gets a shot at the World Heavyweight Championship and the WWE title, etc…

Matt Hardy and Jeff Hardy should work well in the ring together. Their last feud was botched because no one wanted to see it. Their current feud is now one of the top stories in the WWE. Brother versus brother woked for Bret and Owen, it worked for Taker and Kane and it sorta worked for Edge and Christian. Matt and Jeff will put on some great wrestling matches if they throw caution to the wind (they will) and if they’re allowed to spill blood (which they probably won’t be).

From a “feel-good” perspective, it’s cool that the WWE will allow the two of them to face off in a one-on-one match at the 25th Anniversary of Wrestlemania. Growing up as marks, I’m sure the two of them dreamed of having a match at Mania against each other, and now they will. It is one of those “career” payoffs, not to mention the fact that it’s another incentive for Jeff to keep his nose clean.

Christian being the assailant didn’t make a whole lot of sense. His association with Edge, while probably my top 5 favorite teams of all time (and the first WWE shirt I ever purchased), was a long time ago. Fans remember Christian as the “Peeps” guy and “Captain Charisma”, because fans’ memories don’t go back too far. Bringing him in as Edge’s buddy would make him the top lackey, a spot Chavo’s handling exceptionally well right now. Christian’s return should put him in a position where he’s a top guy, and on Smackdown right now, there just isn’t room for him. Edge is feuding with Hunter and the Big Show. Jeff’s feuding with Matt. Taker’s probably got Umaga or Koslov. That leaves Christian to feud with MVP, Shelton and Mr. Kennedy in the Upper Midcard. When he left he was feuding with Orlando Jordan, Booker T and Chris Benoit in the Upper Midcard. Not quite the Impact he’d want to make.

Not having Christian be the assailant sent a positive message in a WWE locker-room where people of all walks of life are afraid for their jobs. Guys I never thought would get released like Val Venis, Bob Holly and Sgt. Slaughter got canned, which means no one is safe. Bringing in Christian from TNA and giving him a high profile slot would have been yet another morale killer. Instead? The WWE has rewarded a hard working Matt Hardy with a high profile heel turn and a major feud with a former WWE Champion.

I want Christian back on my television. His firing was one of the larger mistakes the WWE made, but they now can rectify it (and I hope they do). Until then, I’ll enjoy the Hardy feud and hope that we’ll someday soon get the awkward HHH/Jeff v. Edge/Matt. Oh man, Edge and Matt Hardy teaming is worth the price of admission.

This has been for your consideration.

Agree? Disagree? Like seeing your name or handle in italics in a column read by thousands? E-mail me your feedback at awheeler316@yahoo.com and if it doesn’t suck I’ll print it next week.