“Live” from the Impact Zone in Orlando, Florida
We start out with an N.W.O.-esque video package brought to us by the Main Event Mafia. Granted it is hilarious as it is
Backstage Kurt has inhabited Jarrett’s old office, complete with glass and a tie. Cornette comes back to tell him he can’t take control of the show. Kurt asserts his authority, asking who’s going to stop him. When Kurt’s had enough, he has security throw him out. At that, Cornette agrees to behave himself and his sit quietly on the couch.
Angle makes sure all other MEM members are ready through his headset. And on that we go to the opening credits.
Chet Lemon (Nash) and Black Snow (Booker) are our announcers for tonight.
Petey Williams vs. Matt Morgan; Booker vs. Two Referees and Sting vs. Team 3-D
Booker throws it to Sharmell who’s backstage with ODB. Sharmell starts the interview off on a bad note by calling ODB a dumb bimbo and digging at her about the men she’s about to meet at the local truck stop.
An admittedly “drunk and horny” ODB slurs something about something while grabbing her crotch. Repeatedly.
Sharmell tells ODB that her buddies, Taylor Wilde and Roxxi have been escorted out of the building. But ODB says she doesn’t need them as she has her tits as backup. Seriously.
Steiner is the ring announcer for tonight. He tells all the “inbreds and hicks” to pay attention to the upcoming match. He tries introducing the Kongtourage but can’t get all their names right. Eventually gives up.
The Kongtourage comes down to the ring as Booker makes fun of Kong’s obvious masculinity. Cold hearted, Book.
Steiner introduces what he calls the “nastiest bitch in wrestling history” ODB
Handicap Match: Kongtourage (Awesome Kong, Sojo Bolt, Rhaka Khan, Raisha Saied) vs. ODB
ODB and Bolt start out. ODB takes Bolt down and drops clubs onto her back. Bolt rams ODB into the corner and gives her some shots. ODB gets a one count off a rollup. Clothesline from ODB. A spear puts Sojo outside the ring, where she will patiently wait for God knows what. Khan rushes in and what follows is some of the most sloppy wrestling you’ll see. Thankfully it’s short. Khan completely misses a kick and just stands there waiting for the next spot which she has obviously forgot. Khan misses a charge, crothching herself on the top rope before getting tossed out to join Bolt on the floor. Saeed is in and beats on ODB. She misses a charge and eats punches. ODB with a clothesline. She dumps Saeed out of the ring too. King in now, though she starts eating forearms. ODB puts her in the corner and tries for the Dirty Dozen but the Kongtourage are back in. They politely wait for ODB to notice their presence. OBD jumps onto them from the top rope. The numbers are too much and the Kongtourage put the beats to her. I have no idea what Booker is saying on commentary. Implant Buster puts ODB out for the three count.
(1/2* Rhaka should not be anywhere near the ring and I don’t understand the point of this match)
Backstage. Kurt says this is the best show ever. I politely disagree. Cornette starts asking him how he’s going to handle the legal repercussions of hijacking a television show. He’s told to shut up and obliges. Borash tries to talk sense to Kurt but to no avail. Foley, according to JB, is on his way with backup. Kurt can’t wait. He questions JB’s loyalty. He has been acting a bit fishy hasn’t he, Kurt? Bros before Hoes says JB. Glad we settled that. Kurt sends him out to hawk MEM t-shirts. Up next we have Booker T against a couple referees.
Commercials…
We come back with Sharmell interviewing the referees Book’s about to whupp on. She wants to know what they’re going to do after Booker cripples them. The refs aren’t happy but Sharmell says if Shane Sewell and Earl Hebner would have behaved, none of this would be happening. Rudy Charles warns Sharmell that he’s an accomplished amateur wrestler. The other ref rightfully calls him on his smugness. Why are they making me root for Booker T to annihilate them?
Steiner introduces the referees with a rhyme I won’t dignify to repeat.
Rudy Charles and Andrew Thomas vs. Booker T
Charles tries to shake Booker’s hand to start the match off. How noble. Thomas looks suitably terrified. Booker clotheslines Charles down and starts a-stomping. A slap knocks Charles out. Booker hook kicks him in the jaw. Booker with a kick to the stomach and the Axe Kick kills him dead. Book drags him into the corner and forces him to tag Thomas. Booker with a kick, followed by a short-armed clothesline. He threatens Hebner who has the pleasure of reffing this beauty. Booker pushes Thomas in the corner and hits him with chops. Another kick knocks Thomas out cold too. Book End gets the three count.
(1/4* – The definition of stupid. Booker is hilarious though. Still, this match was a waste of everyone’s time.)
Post-match Booker bullies Hebner, which brings out Sewell. Sewell is a house of fire before Book takes control and knocks him out with the Axe Kick.
Kurt is back saying this is the best show ever. He wants to get a camera on a big-breasted girl in the crowd. Sting comes back and thinks Kurt’s an ass for booking him a handicap match. He wants Kurt to remember they have a match in two weeks and wants him to think about whether he wants to be in their with Sting as his friend or Sting as his enemy. He says this while jabbing Kurt with the bat.
Sharmell is backstage with Matt Morgan. Apparently, Petey Williams has to have one hand tied behind his back during his match with Morgan. Morgan is quite happy he got to send his DNA somewhere that would prove he has the DNA of a true wrestler. Or something. Don’t ask me. Morgan has sympathy for no man – just ask “big fat” Abyss. He wants Abyss to see what’s in store for him at Against All Odds.
All right rednecks and white trash…
“The Blueprint” Matt Morgan vs. “Maple-Leaf Muscle” Petey Williams
Booker’s still channeling Jim Varney on commentary. Steiner calls Canada a “suck hole.” He wants Obama to reallocate all resources spent on keeping Mexicans out of the U.S. to keeping Canadians out instead.
A squash is a-coming. Morgan gets down on his knees and agrees to let Petey have a free shot on him. Petey takes the opportunity to dropkick Morgan and hit him right hands. Morgan misses a boot and crotches himself a-la Rhaka Khan. Petey goes out of the ring to regroup. Morgan chases and Petey kicks him on his way in. Petey stomps Morgan’s toes to avoid a chokeslam. But a clothesline wipes Petey out. Morgan with the elbows of fury. He takes a bow and hits an avalanche. Sideslam gets a two-count before Morgan pulls Petey up. Morgan starts working Petey’s free arm. Fallaway Slam on Petey but Morgan pulls him up at two. Petey unties himself while Morgan is distracted and starts hitting him with rapid punches. Petey off the ropes with a few forearms. Slingshot facecrusher on Morgan and Petey hits a flying dropkick from the top. Dropkick to Steiner on the apron and Petey slides out to stomp him. Upon coming in, Morgan annihilates Petey with the Footprint.
Steiner slides in postmatch and puts Petey in the Steiner Recliner. The Frontline runs out for their first save ever. Booker, decked out in his robe saves Steiner. Matt Morgan is nice enough to help out as well. They beat the Frontline down while Booker does a running, unintelligible commentary. Oh. That’s why they don’t try to save each other more often. My bad.
(*1/4 – Not bad but not enough time to get good. It’s a match I’m not angry at having watched but would never subject myself to watching it again.)
Handicap Match: Team 3-D vs. Sting
They stop on the ramp to stare down our commentary team. Ray feels bad for Sting. He doesn’t want to fight him in a handicap match but que sera sera. Ray again bitches about Sting not saving him from a beating a few weeks back. He’s quite preoccupied with it actually. Ray tells Sting not to take the ass-whupping they are about to deliver personally. He guarantees either he or his brother will become TNA Heavyweight Champion at Against All Odds.
Steiner introduces 3-D from Dunking Donuts in the great state of Obesity.
Sting and D-Von lock up. Headlock on Sting, D-Von follows it with a takeover, keeping the headlock cinched in. D-Von armbars Sting, while Sting motions for Ray to come in the ring. While in the hold, mind you. Ray gets the tag and goes nose to nose with Sting. They jaw for a minute before Ray shoves Sting. Sting shoves him back. They lockup which Ray turns into a headlock. Ray hits a shoulderblock off the ropes. Back elbow from Sting draws some boos. Ray’s up with punches. A body slam followed by an elbow drop gets two. D-Von is tagged in. Elbows to the back of Sting’s neck. Sting fights back with a kick and a chop. He gets caught with back elbow off the ropes. Sting bails to regroup. Steiner is up to give Sting a pep talk but Ray cuts the convo short but jumping Steiner. Back in the ring, Sting gets control of D-Von while Steiner gets some getback on Ray.
Commercials….
We come back with Sting poking D-Von in the eyes. He knocks Ray off the apron and hits a suplex on D-Von for two. Double clothesline after Sting whips D-Von into the ropes. Both men are out, but I’m not sure how effective the hot tag will be, seeing as how Sting’s on his own out there.
Ray with some punches. He follows an Irish whip with a couple sloppy clotheslines. Sideslam gets two. Sting gets caught coming off the ropes with a nearly botched Book End. Booker wants a DQ. Angle comes in while the ref’s back is turned and hits a low-blow on Ray. DDT from Sting gets 2 and a half. D-Von in but takes a Stinger Splash for his efforts. Sting mounts D-Von and rains the punches down. Is this No-DQ now? Ray and D-Von are both in the ring at the same time. A very poor Doomsday Device almost gets three but Kurt breaks up the pin for a DQ. The MEM is in to beat on 3-D. Booker joins in from the announcer’s table with a big smile on his face. Still upset 3-D swagger jacked his Book End, Booker brings out a table. But, Mick Foley with LAX and Abyss run in for the save! They clear the ring of the MEM as I try to remember if I’ve ever seen Foley look this awful.
(*3/4 – Wasn’t bad for what it was. But I hate commercials mid-match and I hate DQ finishes.)
Foley, out of breath, cuts a promo over top of his horrible music. I think someone fell asleep in the production truck. Foley gives Hernandez another title shot on Sting after his last attempt was botch by Mafia interference. Foley also makes a weapons match for Steiner against Abyss. Abyss can use any weapon he chooses but Steiner can use nothing. Good lord. Why oh why does TNA go so overboard with their gimmick matches? It’s getting ridiculous. Just to keep the zaniness going, Foley also books a handicap match between Kurt and LAX. I’m thrilled.
West and Tenay are back at the announce table now that order is restored. First order of business is screeching the match listing of Against All Odds. Cornette adds Booker T vs. Shane Sewell. Is AJ doing anything for this PPV? Keeping him off the PPV and putting a referee in a match instead makes sense when you think about it.
Scott Steiner vs. “The Monster” Abyss
So, Abyss can use weapons but Steiner can’t. Okay. Let me use my physic powers and predict we’ll have four minutes of uninspired brawling before Morgan comes down for the DQ. Abyss tosses weapons in the ring. Steiner throws them right back out. Steiner stomps on Abyss as he rolls into the ring. Punches and “knees” to Abyss’ face. Abyss reverses a whip, gets kicked but comes back with some clotheslines. Abyss with an avalanche. He goes for the chair and wedges it between the turnbuckles. Steiner in a bit of a meta moment chooses some crutches as a weapon. He can’t use them so he takes a kick instead. Abyss slams Steiner into a table and then throws him into a wall. Abyss warms up and charges at Steiner. Steiner moves and Abyss crashes through the wall. That was pretty cool. Commercial time…
We’re back with Steiner doing the pushups in the ring. Steiner gets a chair from out the ring. The ref stops him from using it. This gives Abyss the opportunity to get up and punch the chair back into Scott’s face. Abyss hits him with a garbage can. That gets a two count. Abyss tries a leapfrog for whatever reason and gets kicked in the groin. Steiner sends Abyss through the chair Abyss set up between the turnbuckle earlier. Steiner is busted open. He goes for the ring bell but gets choke-slammed onto a garbage can. Steiner kicks out a two and a bit. Abyss gets the ring bell but Steiner hits the bell with his steel pipe. The ref calls for the bell, which Steiner has. But the match is over regardless. Steiner starts throwing weapons out of the ring, almost hitting the announcers. He hits Abyss with a few chairshots. Steiner chokes him with the edge of the chair in the corner. Suicide swings into the ring. Suicide hits some fists and an elbow. He then slams Steiner into the second turnbuckle. Suicide puts an imaginary gun to his head as we all contemplate the virtues of cheering for a suicidal character.
(*3/4 – Not as bad as I thought it would be. It is really getting painful watching Steiner wrestle these days. He moves like he’s made of stone now. I can’t figure out why they’re putting him in matches every week when it’s obvious he can barely move. Nevertheless, his matches have been passable lately so what do I know?)
Video package of TNA’s “most successful tour ever” in the UK. There’s something on later called the Toughest Cowboy. Right when I’m contemplating jumping off my balcony, Beer Money shows up to interrupt Lauren’s interview of the cowboys, convincing me life may be worth living.
Handicap Match: LAX (Hernandez and Homicide) vs. Kurt Angle
A sizable “You Suck” chant for Kurt on his way to the ring. Kurt starts with Homicide. They do some chain wrestling that ends with Homicide in a reverse hammerlock. Homicide gets out of it and locks Kurt in a front facelock. Kurt hits Homicide with some punches and that sweet European Uppercut of his. Homicide with a hurricarana and a back elbow off the ropes. Hernandez tagged in and LAX hits some double team moves on Kurt. Hernandez covers him for two. Kurt tries to reverse the momentum but gets caught with a huge Hernandez shoulderblock. Hernandez follows it up by sending Kurt out of the ring with a clothesline. Hernandez flies over the top rope with a suicide dive.
We return with Homicidee fighting out of a sleeper. Homicide comes off the ropes but gets caught with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Kurt then snaps off a belly-to-belly overhead suplex. He goes for the Angle Slam but Homice blocks it. Kurt turns it into an Ankle Lock. Homicide fights out of that but Kurt stalks him. Angle Slam reversed by Homicide into a DDT. Both men are down. Homicide tries to make it to Hernandez and… tags him. Hebner doesn’t see the tag and Hernandez is sent back to his corner. Angle beats down Homicide with punches and stomps. Kurt snap mares Homicide into another sleeper. Homicide fights out and dragon screws Angle’s leg. Homicide tries for a single leg crab but Angle fights him off before he can get the hold properly applied. They go throw a sick reversal sequence that ends in an Ankle Lock. Homicide tries to reach the ropes again. He’s screaming in pain. Kurt’s laughing at him. Homicide almost makes the ropes but Angle drags him back to the middle of the ring. Homicide rolls through and Kurt runs into a flying shoulderblock out of nowhere from Hernandez, who I’m quite sure was not tagged in. Avalanche by Hernandez on Angle in the corner. He uses his shirt to toss Angle clear across the ring. Hernandez hits a scoop lift powerbomb. He goes for the Border Toss but Angle drops out of it. Charge by Hernandez sends him out of the ring and into the guardrail. Homicide sneaks behind Angle and rolls him up for two. Homicide hits the Gringo Cutter but looks for Hernandez instead of covering. Hernandez is writhing in pain no the outside. Gringo Killer is dropped out of by Angle. He hits the Angle Slam for three and the win.
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(*** – Really good TV match. I would have paid to see Kurt and either of these two guys go for real at a PPV. Not sure how much favor it does for anybody but Angle though. The match was supposed to be his punishment but he still won against two men. It makes Mick looks pretty stupid.)
That’s the show. A lot of matches that, even though were quite short, managed to come off as semi-entertaining. The last match, as with all Kurt Angle matches, was really good. Hopefully the main event signifies LAX will be featured more prominently in the show from now on. The gimmick matches need to stop though. See you next week.
