The American Idol auditions in San Juan, Puerto Rico and New York City get smashed into one hour. The producers explain this combo show by comparing it to West Side Story. Will we get Jets versus Sharks switchblade fighting? Will Officer Krupke be our special judge for the night?
They actually aren’t in New York City for the Cattle Call. It’s the Izod Center next to Giant’s Stadium in the New Jersey Meadowlands. It’s where the New Jersey Nets still play. If you see this building while driving on the New Jersey Turnpike, you’ll think it’s an outlet mall. The Final auditions are in Manhattan. Simon must not have spent his nights hanging out at the Vince Lombardi Reststop.
Adeola Adegoke is dreaming big. She quit her job because she swears this going to be her ticket to stardom. She butchers a song with a whelping voice. It’s all the wrong notes. Simon offers to call her boss to tell her to hire her back. She keeps trying to destroy notes to appease the judges. It’s the most painful look on her face. She was completely fooled by the producers into thinking she was picked for her talent. Simon actually gets a tinge of guilt. Simon talks to the boss.
The Puerto Rico turnout is pathetic. It appears to be a line outside a hotel. They didn’t even have enough people to get a crowd inside an arena shot. There’s more people lined up at your mall when the new Grand Theft Auto gets released. This looks very bad. It’s sad to think that more people turned out for them in Jacksonsville. And not one child of an ex-Menudo member wants to go before the judges. Maybe they held the auditions on the same day as Ricky Martin’s twins’ birthday?
Jorge Nunez sings a Spanish language song. Sounds like it should be the love theme to one of those Univision soap operas. They have him sing “What a Wonderful World” in English. Kara has trouble with his pronunciation issues. Randy likes him. Simon says they came here to hear a little accent. The guy gets through.
Jessika Baier flew in from Michigan to audition for Idol. This was a very smart move since there’s no competition. She’s got a resume filled with various titles. She won a most beautiful baby contest. She won a trip to Virginia Beach. I had a water pump in my car explode in Virginia Beach. I despise that town. She’s loud and a heavy breather between notes. Simon is extremely unimpressed. He can’t believe she won all those prizes. She begs big time cause this is her dream. She wants one more song. None of this is working for Simon. Randy has to let her know it wasn’t working for him. Jessika gets told by Paula that she was shrilling the whole song. Jessika stomps out. At least she gets to enjoy Puerto Rico. We get a montage of people who get the cut and swear the judges don’t know talent. They even rejected a girl with a puppet.
Back in New York City we meet Melinda Camille. She has a message to send the world. Sadly enough, it’s not next week’s Power Ball numbers. She enjoys dancing naked in her room. She’s 21 so it’s not the usual jailbait tease. She gets my attention. Simon thinks she looks “very fresh.” She wants to join a nudist colony. When will Fox launch America’s Naked Idol? If she doesn’t get a ticket to Hollywood, maybe Playboy will bring her to Cali. She has a nice voice and good energy. She gets four yes votes. Naked dancing will always win over puppets.
They keep teasing us with the neutral density gels following off the window. Did Simon’s hair get messed up. Way to blow it production crew member. I was hoping the boat outside the window had its sail collapse and bust through the window. That would rock.
There’s a guy in a bad ‘80s metal outfit dancing with Ryan. How sad.
Jackie Tohn also brings her acoustic guitar, but she doesn’t have a meltdown when it gets put down. Simon doesn’t like her Jason Mraz cover. He wants a second song to hear her natural voice. Kara likes her. Randy likes her tone. Now the gels fall off the window. The evil demons want to take out Simon. Jackie gets her golden ticket even with the bad mojo.
We return to San Juan where it’s obvious this was a complete bust. Seems like all the rejects have flown down to the land of Ricky Martin to beg Simon for a break. This might be the first stop where everybody who auditioned went straight to the judges. They bust out the tourist board video footage. They didn’t want to stick around to give us Ryan tastes the local flavors vanity shots. I can almost hear Simon Fuller cussing up a storm in his penthouse about this casting disaster.
We get a montage of really loud people that have to dance while singer. The metal guy air guitars with his boom box. What’s the point of that? Simon tosses him out. In San Juan arrives Joel Conteras, a Tom Green wannabe. He arrives for his audition as the human iPod. Simon shuts his first song down after three notes. His next song is a bad ballad. Simon can’t listen to this theatrical moron. Now Joel breaks out a lion puppet and does a Lion King song. It’s 4 no votes. He’s excited as he storms out of the room. He changes into a Superman suit and flings into a swimming pool
Nick Mitchell has a bad ‘80s vibe with sweat bands. He puts on the Superstar persona. He drops his comedy act. Simon still isn’t impressed. He makes a bdsm joke involving Simon and Ryan. The crack impresses Simon enough to get a second song chance. He does “Amazing Grace” with a serious and somber voice. But he breaks into bad comedy stuff after a few verses. Paula says yes. Kara says yes. She begs Randy to vote yes so she can see him again. Randy is swayed. Nick will be marked for death at the Kodak Theater.
We get a run of a few winners with snippets of their songs. Will we see more of these strangers next week?
Hell’s Kitchen starts tonight. I prefer to call this show, Can you make Beef Wellington and Risotto? Did you know that the first three winners of this show are not working for Chef Ramsay’s organization. Did you know the best way to get rejected from being considered an contestant is to prove you have real cooking talent? They just want kitchen dorks for Ramsay cuss out.
Monique Garcia Torres drags in her younger brother. The kid is fearless when chatting with Paula. He chats up Simon. He swears his sister is talented. Simon asks what her brother what her second should be. Simon doesn’t think she picked songs that fit her voice. Kara thinks her brother has more confidence for her. Kara and Randy says not now. Paula says yes. Simon talks to the brother while making the decision. He goes yes. He can’t let down her little manager. The brother will probably get a shot at Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader if he’s made it to fifth grade.
Alexis Cohen has returned. She was a glitter covered metal pain last year. She kept flipping out Simon. Now she’s cleaned up her act. She looks more sophisticated in her proper dress. Her hair is almost ready for a tea party. She’s going to sing Madonna’s “Lucky Prayer.” She might have cleaned up her act, but her voice still sounds like a garbage disposal tearing apart a frozen turkey. Simon swears she’s gotten worse with her cleaned up look. She finally gives Simon the finger. She gets bleeped with her departing comments. Simon thinks she likes him. New York peters away.
The last contestant in line for San Juan is partying with her family. Turns out her parents got married at that hotel. They must still have credit at the bar. Patricia Lewis Roman does “I Want to Dance with Somebody.” She doesn’t come close to Whitney. Simon gives her 30 seconds to change their mind. Patricia breaks out a Spanish song. Her voice is better. Randy says yes. Paula goes no. Shocking. But she gets a gold ticket. The family now parties with Paula and Ryan. They needed a happy moment to cap off a lackluster session.
Even with two cities, this felt half a show. Melinda Camille was the only one worth remembering. Although most of that is because of the dancing naked comments. If she doesn’t make the cut of 36, Vivid Video needs to keep her in Hollywood. I couldn’t imagine hearing any of these people annoying me on the radio. It’ll be interesting to see how this casting shakes out at the Kodak Theatre. The phantom winners better take front stage or we might be ready for the next Taylor Hicks.
