Live from the iMPACT Zone.

TNA starts us off with a recap of last week, smartly choosing to focus the majority of the recap on Sting and Angle’s rift. Joe is back, looking… well, like Umaga.

Fireworks, explosions. The show begins.

Tonight’s main event is Team 3-D vs. Sting and Angle. Eh. Not really excited about this match. We’ll see, Angle is incapable of disappointing.

To everybody’s shock and surprise, we start the show off with an interview from the Main Event Mafia. Kevin Nash is out of the hospital apparently. Nash says the best work of his career occurred when he was using his status as booker to bury people. I wholeheartedly agree. He blames his hatred for Samoa Joe on a comment he made about Scott Hall a year or so back. Nash cites Joe as the only guy who he’s wanted gone from a wrestling company that managed to stay employed. He says Joe has connected with his roots, what with all the face paint, but Kev’s got roots too and he’ll show it by kicking his ass. He says Joe will be his bitch. Joe better murder this man, once doctors piece Nash’s body back together again if TNA wants to salvage his character.

Angle naturally commandeers the segment by rubbing home the point we’ve all digested weeks ago: can the he and Sting co-exist as partners? Angle’s a little worried that Sting has lost sight of the goal the MEM set when they formed. He promises the title will stay in the MEM, no matter what he has to do.

Backstage with Team 3-D. D-Von concedes that Angle may be the best wrestler in the world – perhaps of all time – but 3-D will be ready for him. Bubba points out that Angle’s letting all this mafia shit go to his head. He wonders how Angle could send Sting out to the wolves last week and then try to tag with him tonight. Bubba says they’re going to do what every great tag team does, they’re going to cut off the ring and make sure Angle never tags in Sting. Oh brother testify!

Rough Cut of Kiyoshi. I love these segments even if they are a bit counterproductive in generating heat for the heels. Muta co-signs this boy, so you better too.

Recap of the Frontline’s aborted rescue last week. Lauren is backstage with Lethal Consequences. I think this is the first time I’ve heard Creed talk. He says he made a commitment to join the Frontline, and in the Frontline the group comes first. Except, of course, when they leisurely watched Joe and A.J. get put of commission from the backstage monitors.

Motor City Machineguns v. Lethal Consequences

I love that Shelley rocks the pea coat to the ring. Beer Money jump Lethal Consequences before they can get into the ring. We all know TNA can’t help but book these types of brawls, in order to avoid putting a clear winner over in matches, but I think it’s especially brilliant that they refused to wait until after the match. You couldn’t let these teams go for a while before you pull this shit? Anyway, Creed gets his shoulder busted with a chair. Utter trash.

Time it took for me start drinking: 19 minutes.

We’re back with Lethal taking the MCMG on by himself. Sabin and Creed wrestle for a bit. Lethal with shoulder blocks to Shelley’s chest, but gets caught in a front face lock. Lethal gets thrown to the apron and comes in with a springboard dropkick. Sabin tries his own springboard dropkick but Lethal evades it by diving through the ropes onto Shelly. Sabin comes out of the ring with a plancha but misses. Back in the ring Lethal tries taking on both men before getting killed with a clothesline in the corner. Lethal comes back but gets caught in a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker from Sabin.  MCMG are in charge. Shelley smacks Lethal with some forearms. He puts Lethal in the Border City Stretch and reigns elbows down on him while he’s in the hold. Sliced Bread #2 is reversed into a kick. Sabin wakes Shelley up by smacking in the face and they set to double-teaming Lethal. The ref seems okay with it. Pinning combo kicked out of at two. Shelley tags Sabin in, using his foot. Sabin comes off the top with a double axehandle. Eric Young hits the ring to replace Creed. Lethal and MCMG in a cool spot that ends with Lethal ducking a Sabin kick that hits Shelley. Lethal Combo on Sabin and Young gets tagged in. He’s a house of fire. Comes off the top rope with a legdrop. Sabin breaks the pin at two. Cool double kick from MCMG. Young gets out of the Cradle Shock by pushing Sabin into the ropes which crotches Shelley who was on the top. Young sets Sabin up in the Death Valley Driver and loads Shelley on top of Sabin! He hits a really cool double Death Valley Driver for the three.

Rating: ** – The rating would have been better had the match been longer and if they wouldn’t have had that god-awful shit with Creed getting injured before the match. MCMG and Lethal rarely disappoint in the ring, and this was about what you’d expect from them.

Shelley is in the ring and he’s pissed that they just got pinned. He wants Young at Against All Odds for the X-Division title. Young accepts so long as Shelley’s “life partner” is not at ringside.

In an attempt to induce widespread vomiting, they run down the awful WCW Against All Odds card.

Cornette is backstage with the Kongtourage. Nothing substantial happens until SoJo calls Jeremy Borash a cracker. Great. In comes Booker T, complete in track pants and a referee’s shirt. I have no idea what he’s saying. I think he called Sewell a pussy though. I think he wants to ref the match between Shane Sewell and Bashir. Cornette refuses and Booker mumbles some more. Poor Booker. He got all dressed up for nothing.

Beautiful People are backstage and they’re still pissed from when they got duped by the fake Palin. Love says this won’t be a wrestling match. Sky is particularly upset about touching “those marks” and falling in “horse shit.” The Beautiful People are about to get back their dignity and respect.

Sheik Abdul Bashir vs. Shane Sewell

I am not a fan of this Sewell fool. I really don’t want to see referees wrestle. Especially against Bashir who has looked awful so far in his TNA run. Sewell’s wearing a ref shirt jersey. The crowd starts chanting USA!

Lock-up, Sewell gives Bashir a clean break. Something tells me Bashir won’t be doing the same. Flak jacket is off and Bashir puts the boots to Sewell. Bashir with chops and more stomps. Sewell comes back with a clothesline, followed by a back bodydrop and a couple arm drags. Bashir bails. Bashir pulls Sewell out of the ring and rams him into the guardrail a few times. He rolls him back in the ring and levels him with a punch. That gets two. Headbutts to Sewell’s lower back. He pushes Sewell into the ropes and hits him with a forearm when Sewell rebounds. Russian Legsweep gets two. USA chant gives Sewell the power to escape a bearhug. Bashir catches him with a headlock but Sewell turns into a back suplex. Punches from Sewell and a drop toehold into the second turnbuckle. Springboard headbutt to the groin followed by a bulldog gets two. Jawbreaker from Bashir. Sewell reverses a suplex into a bridging cradle suplex for two. Sewell chops Bashir. The referee gets bumped. Of course. A double clothesline takes out both men. Booker T’s out with his ref shirt. He enters the ring and initiates a double count. He gives Bashir a little help to his feet. Heh. Bashir up top but misses the flying leg drop missed. Sewell goes up top himself and comes off with a cross body. He covers but Booker doesn’t count. Instead, he starts beating Sewell. Sewell starts to fight back, but TNA Security comes in to break it up. They escape security’s grasp and continue the brawling.

Rating: ** – I was pleasantly surprised by this match. I didn’t really have a high opinion of either of these guys but they seem to work well together. The garbage at the end was a travesty as always but a no-finish is expected at this point. I barely notice them

Borash with Sting backstage. He wants to know where things stand between him and Kurt. Sting admits he doesn’t know. What he does know is that the Championship belt will be tarnished if anyone else wears it. When Borash tries to press him, Sting walks away.

Oh Christ, they’re recapping the Palin nonsense.

Beautiful People vs. Taylor Wilde and Roxxi

The BP don’t even wait for the other girls to make it into the ring before charging them on the ramp. TNA goes to its split screen thing as all four women brawl outside the ring. Roxxi takes a drop toehold face first into the ring steps and is clean knocked out. The BP drag Taylor into the ring and proceed to lay the beats on her. Love pounds Wilde into several turnbuckles before tagging in Sky. She pounds on Wilde while shrieking. Love in but Wilde catches her with a cross body for two. Love re-asserts her dominance and starts beating the hell out of Wilde. Roxxi has dragged herself onto the apron but looks quite dazed. Sky gets tagged in and continues the beating. Wilde blocks a charge with her knees and tags in Roxxi. Roxxi goes on offense but gets double teamed sans tag. The ref, once again, seems not to mind. They hit Roxxi with a Russian Legsweep, kick combination for the three. They then hit the same move on Taylor to complete the destruction. Roxxi and Taylor get the paper bag.

But Palin runs in and hits a low blow on Kip. She starts taking it to the Beautiful People. She tosses Sky out of the ring and hits a good-looking leg hook suplex on Love.

Rating: *1/2 – Not a good match by any means but the aggressiveness by the Beautiful People was exactly what was needed. They destroyed Roxxi and Taylor semi-cleanly.

Kiyoshi: Rough Cut Part Two. Damn, I never knew Scott D’Amore sounded so much like Brother Ray.

Shark Boy vs. Brutus Magnus

So… Shark Boy’s gimmick is to imitate Stone Cold? And this makes sense how? Shark Boy attacks but gets hit with a powerslam for barely two. European uppercut. Tosses him into the turnbuckle and hits him with a gentle knee. Two covers don’t get Magnus the pin. Spinning back elbow on Shark Boy. Slingshot elbow drop misses. Shark Boy with punches. The Thesz Press leads to a fist drop.  Shark Boy stomps a mudhole and walks it dry. Shark Boy goes for the Stunner but its reversed into what Magnus calls the Tormentum?

Rating: ½* – Not quite the blistering debut TNA was expecting. Let’s hope Magnus is usually a better wrestler than this.

Magnus gets on the mic and expresses his disappointment at the competition TNA has to offer. He lays down an open challenge for Against All Odds.

Borash with Angle. He asks him again about him and Sting but Angle deflects the question. He’s unconcerned with Sting but he’s pissed off at Brother D-Von for saying they’re going to cut off the ring. Kurt says he doesn’t care if they cut off the ring because he doesn’t need anyone – Sting included. Borash pushes him with more questions, which enrages Angle.

We’re back with a recap of Abyss and Morgan’s fallout. Which segues nicely into the next match…

“The Blueprint” Matt Morgan vs. Rhino

I had no idea Rhino was still alive. I remember way back when he was the leader of a group called the Frontline. You would think, after he left on not so good terms with the MEM, Rhino would make it his first order of business to get at them. Instead, he’s thrown into this match for whatever reason.

Lockup ends in a stalemate. Rhino fires some punches, but gets caught with an elbow. Morgan chokes him but his cocky demeanor elicits boos from the crowd. Morgan chains a knee to the gut into a Russian Legsweep. I think we’ve had a Russian Legsweep in every match so far. Morgan with the Elbows of Fury. Morgan chokes Rhino on the top rope and hits him with a legdrop over the top rope. That gets two. Morgan starts beating on Rhino. I must admit Rhino’s selling here is awesome. Rhino fights out a chokehold. Rhino ducks a clothesline and hits a punch. He comes off the ropes with shoulderblock that puts Morgan down. Rhino with a spear in the corner. He follows it up with a belly to belly. Morgan leapfrogs a Gore and blasts him with The Carbon Footprint. Sweet sequence. Morgan leaves the ring to get a chair. He puts it on the mat and sets up a Hellavator onto the chair but Abyss is out. Morgan is completely unafraid, and beckons Abyss to come on in. Some brawling between the two goes Abyss’ way and he finishes it off with a Black Hole Slam. Abyss goes for the tacks as Morgan is struggling to his feet. Abyss spreads the tacks on the floor and seems intent on chokeslamming Morgan onto them. Morgan, however, slides out of the ring.

Rating: *3/4 – It was short and the non-finishes are slowly killing my soul but I’m starting to become a Matt Morgan fan. I can’t believe how inept Rhino looked though. A couple months back he was leading the Frontline. Now, he takes a beating from Morgan and disappears while Morgan brawls with Abyss. Really weird.

Abyss is still in the ring, having laid out all his toys; a garbage can, kendo sticks and broken glass. He says his “real best friend” is Abyss. He’s endured a lot; an abusive father, jail, mental hospitals and shock therapy. Abyss says that Matt Morgan may be the Blueprint and the DNA but he’ll show him what happens when you add the Abyss chromosome. He then proceeds to punch the shit out of the tacks. Damn! His hands are bleeding and thumbtacks are still sticking out of his fist. This draws a TNA chant from the crowd. Abyss says brings up the saying that you hurt the ones you love the most and he’ll prove it true at Against All Odds.

Now this was all kinds of dope. Intense promo, made all the more powerful because this storyline, no matter how many people telegraphed its apex, was built properly. Something really rare in TNA these days. Abyss’ tirade brings Lauren out to try and calm him down. Line of the night: “let’s call your therapist.”

I forgot Mick Foley was even in this company. He’s back in his office with Jeremy Borash. Foley says Jarrett will be back at iMPACT! next week. Nothing else of note happened here.

“The Icon” Sting and Kurt Angle vs. Team 3-D

Kurt and Sting get separate entrances. Oooh, this bodes ill. The crowd seems somewhat pumped for this match, going so far as to rustle up an average sized “Team 3-D” chant. Angle lets Sting know he’s going to start this bitch off right so Sting needs to just stand on the apron and not get in his way. D-Von gets the nod for Team 3-D. D-Von gets a headlock. He plants Angle with a shoulderblock off the ropes. Angle needs a minute to regroup. D-Von, ever the gentleman, obliges. Angle tries a charge but runs into a clothesline. D-Von with his spinning back elbow off the ropes. Angle stares down Sting and upon turning gets arm dragged. Ray comes in with a flying axehandle from the top. Ray twists up Angle’s arm but Angle rakes the eyes to escape. Ray recovers with a shoulderblock, a hip toss and a body slam. That gets two. Sting wants the tag but Angle tells him to go screw himself. Angle locks up with Ray. Angle with some punches in the corner. He knocks D-Von off the apron. He tries to lock in the Ankle lock but Ray escapes easily. Angle uses the momentum and bounces off the rope with an elbow drop for one. Blind tag to D-Von, and they hit Kurt with a double flapjack. Again, Sting wants the tag. Ha! Angle tells him to screw off again. Kurt’s too funny. Back suplex by D-Von for two. Angle bails and Sting meets him on the floor. Angle tells him he doesn’t need him. Sting retorts with, “I thought we were family.” Aw, Stinger. Steiner runs out to try and patch things up between the two. We go to a break.

We come back with Angle in control on D-Von. He mocks Ray’s morbid obesity. We see that Angle managed to get the upper hand during with help from Steiner. Steiner is tossed for his interference. I guarantee you he will NOT be back. Angle has the chin lock on D-Von. Angle slam reversed into an arm drag?!?! From D-Von?! Wow. Ray is in and hits the Bubba Bomb on Angle for two and a half. Angle fights back with a belly-to-back. Sting, again, wants the tag but Angle wants to do this on his own. The straps are down! Kurt starts climbing, looking for the moonsault. D-Von cuts him off and the Dudley’s nail the Doomsday Device and a cover. But, Hebner gets distracted and Booker T comes in for another sweet, sweet DQ. The post match beating turns against the MEM as Sting watches from the outside. Angle is pissed and wants at Sting. He tells everyone he doesn’t want Sting in the Mafia anymore. Sting wants to know whether they are friends or foes. Team 3-D looks on and laughs.

Meta-Statement of the Week: Don West on the bullshit finish: “How many times have we seen this lately?”

Rating: * – Yet another DQ. They couldn’t have Kurt lose this one cleanly. Really?! This is getting ridiculous. I’m speechless.

That’s the show. The matches were what you’d expect from TNA. As soon as each one gets going, a DQ will inevitably ensue. TNA did do some things right – like Abyss going nuts and the Beautiful People beating the life out of Roxxi and Taylor. Still, there’s really no point in watching the main events anymore, as we all know the result. I can guarantee I will not be watching the PPV. Will anyone?