Rasslin’ Roundtable – WWE No Way Out 2009

Features, Roundtables, Top Story

Randy Orton has to go through Shane McMahon on his road to Wrestlemania. Shawn Michaels is fighting for his freedom from JBL. The WWE Championship and World Heavyweight Championship are contested in the elimination chamber and only ECW has a standard match. But then again, Are there even six wrestlers on ECW to fill a chamber? Ahhh, who even cares as long as they have CHRISTIAN. The Pulse staff gathered here to bring you our thoughts on the last PPV before WrestleMania 25.

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World Heavyweight Championship Elimination Chamber Match:
John Cena (c) vs. Kane vs. Chris Jericho vs. Nike Knox vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Rey Mysterio

Raffi Shamir: Mike Knox fighting in the elimination chamber. I think he’s fighting Chris Masters for the title of least deserving wrestler in a chamber, ever. Chris Jericho is the only one who comes even close to posing a real threat to Cena in this match, but he’s going to spend WrestleMania fighting against one legend or another (Probably Steve Austin). Besides, can you see WrestleMania 25 without John Cena in one of the main events?
Winner: John Cena

Andrew Wheeler: Alright, an Elimination Chamber! Last year, the Elimination Chamber was used to determine the number one contender, and this year the Elimination Chamber is going to decide the World Champions. Now, I’m not much of a rocket scientist, but doesn’t this provide a MAJOR risk for the WWE? The Chamber isn’t exactly the most worker friendly match they have, and putting three of the four participants in your main event in these matches could lead to a disaster (watch, now that I say that, something bad’s gonna happen). Anyway, this match features five guys who are really directionless and one guy who had a solid direction but got knocked out of alignment by a SAG member. John Cena, the perennial World Champion, has had absolutely nothing to do since winning the title. He came back, he won the gold, and now he does nothing. No interesting feuds. No great angles. Not even a memorable promo. Jericho single-handedly ran their last feud, and his Rumble match with JBL was simply an extension of the HBK plot with the champ being used as a prop. This Elimination Chamber is no different, with the champion circling around until he’s freed up for his next feud. But the question is with who?

Looking at the rest of the competitors, it doesn’t really add any suspense as to who’s walking away with the title. Unlike last year where Smackdown was throwing us Big Daddy V and Khali and had the distinction of the weaker EC match, this year’s RAW contingent is borderline laughable. First up is Kane. Kane was a former world champion (and yes, the ECW Title would make him a multi-time world champion, but that’s pushing it), but he’s been just as directionless as Cena. His feud with Rey Mysterio was long and painful, and when it was over, neither guy got anything out of it. Right now he seems to be towing the tweener line, and I keep finding myself wondering when he’s finally going to retire (though his entrance pyro and music ensures that he’d be over LONG past his prime). Kane isn’t going to win the title and headline Wrestlemania 25 because he’s Kane and his role is to win meaningless battle royals and be used as a weapon by the GM.

Next up is Mike Knox. Knox is getting his first exposure in the “main event” world, but he could just as easily wind up like last year’s guys Khali and Viscera, becoming either a joke or an unemployed joke. Knox took Snitsky’s role on the roster as the #2 heel monster who can attack little guys but do little else. I haven’t seen a whole hell of a lot of impressive stuff outta Knox, and his illogical feud with Mysterio reeks of a Kane repeat. There’s NO chance Knox is winning the gold here, so he, like Kane, is in the match solely to get pinned by Cena.

Rey Mysterio is, with the exception of his world title run, a guy meant to be a curtain jerker. He pops the crowds, he does a few nifty moves, and his mask and size guarantees that he’ll have a following without needing the gold. Main eventing in this match is probably his reward for resigning his contract, and he’ll probably help Cena eliminate his foes Kane and Knox while taking one or two sick bumps. Other than that, I think his role is to do some cool stuff with Kofi before eating a Codebreaker.
Kofi Kingston is also a guy getting his first shot at a main event, yet his skyrocket push and equally as dramatic de-push cost him any heat that he might have had. Kingston is not main eventing Mania for more reasons than I can count, so I’ll just go with the fact that he’s too young and doesn’t have any kind of recognizable fan base. He’ll do some cool moves and then get pinned by one of the two monsters.

Chris Jericho fighting the star of “Diner” would have gotten the WWE some headlines, but it would have seriously damaged Chris’s rep. My hope is that he works something with Austin, and my fear is that he’ll work something with Flair. The WWE isn’t going to do Jericho/Cena to headline Mania because…well…we just saw it. Jericho versus a Legend at Mania will be a great draw, so I’ll let him come down to the final two with Cena, only to lose in the end.

Yup, John Cena’s gonna win. The bigger question is who the hell is he going to face? More on that in a minute, but first let me make my pick official by saying…
Winner: John Cena

Brad Curran- Nice to see some new blood in a title match in Kofi and Knox, but this feels like the Smackdown Chamber last year; the less good one. At least Khali and Big Daddy V aren’t in this one.
Winner- John Cena by foregone conclusion

Mark Allen: Yeah like Cena is going to drop the belt in that field of challengers. Cena is on cruise control to his big-time match with Randy at WrestleMania.
Winner – Cena

Iain Burnside: When I was just a little boy, I asked my mother “what will I be?” She laughed at me and said that enough was enough and it was time for a change. And so it came to pass that I decided the direction of my life should follow the path of the beard and boiled cabbage. From that point on all I had to do was prove myself to the voices in my head that continually spoke to me in the lyrics of Take That songs. “All I have to do is Pray” I said to myself and I made sure to always remind myself that it only takes a minute, girl. After my minute was done I paid up in full, kept the change and left, thinking that The Kendrick was watching but knowing that, sadly, he was not. The realisation of this fact forced me to remove my genitals from where they were gently nesting between my legs, I put my dressing gown back on, screamed WOOOOOOO at the nearest bus conductor, threw a shoe at Barack Obama and fell on my face. Following this harsh development, my next course of action appeared clear – to suggest the sausage to all and sundry, lest they be Jew4life. After we had all partaken of the nearest and finest bratwurst, and agreed that it was, indeed, bratwurst, I took a running jump off the nearest telephone pole, making the internationally renowned semaphore for “I know Dutch” whilst screaming “I’m a filthy paedo, I’m a filthy paedo” over and over with increasing volume and rapidity.
Winner – MIKE KNOX

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WWE Championship Elimination Chamber Match:
Edge (c) vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Triple H vs. Big Show vs. Undertaker vs. Vladimir Kozlov

Raffi Shamir: That’s more like it. An Elimination Chamber where all six participants are at least upper-mid carders. Theoretically anyone can win this, but the title has changed hands in the last three events so perhaps they should let Edge keep it at least until WrestleMania. Jeff Hardy will be busy with Matt, Triple H will probably challenge Edge next month and I don’t really care about the others.
Winner: Edge

Andrew Wheeler: So, we’ve got the RAW Elimination Chamber that features midcarders and afterthoughts, and we’ve got the Smackdown Elimination Chamber with five former world champs and the guy that Vince hopes is a “next big thing”. Let’s go to the picks…

I’ll start with Koslov because he’s the easiest. Frankly, it ain’t gonna be him. Vladimir is the kind of guy who can main event No Mercy, not Wrestlemania. Having him win the title would throw everything out of whack and lead to mass chaos in the company. He can afford to get pinned here because it isn’t a “singles” match, and chances are he’ll be the victim of two or three finishing moves before getting eliminated so he can keep his mystique.

Next is the Undertaker. Taker’s a marquee name but he’s also a guy who has nothing else to do. At Mania he’s either going to go the standard Taker route of fighting Umaga or Koslov to keep his meaningless win-streak alive, or he’s going to do the true Legend versus Legend match and face Shawn Michaels. I have a very strong feeling that it’ll be option B because the thought of Vince showing off two of his top creations on the 25th Anniversary of Wrestlemania is too good for him to pass up. Taker, thanks for showing up, see you in a few weeks as you coast to your match with Shawn.

Now we get murkier. Jeff Hardy. Jeff is one half of one of the hottest storylines in the company, as we finally get a Hardy versus Hardy feud that people want to see. Jeff and Matt at Wrestlemania will be a fantastic match, and kudos to Creative for holding back on giving it to us too early. With that said, would the WWE take a big gamble and do brother versus brother for the title? It could be an interesting story, but I don’t think Matt Hardy is high enough yet to carry the biggest show of the year on his shoulders. Jeff won’t win here, which means he can face Matt in a crazy match at Mania with nothing else on the line.

The Big Show. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, he’s fighting Edge at Mania. My mind was always set with the notion that he would face Edge and Hunter in a triple threat. Now, my mind has sort of shifted in another way. I have a sneaking suspicion that he’ll be facing Edge, but that no gold will be on the line. Uh oh, did I already tip my hat?

Edge is the best heel champion the WWE has run in years. He’s a cowardly heel who can work, and his heat ensures that he isn’t going to be cheered. The one downside right now for Edge is that he has no true rival. Sure, he hates Hunter and he hates Jeff, but Jeff’s tied up with Matt and Hunter…well…let’s just say Edge isn’t winning the match.

Triple H will walk out of the Elimination Chamber with the WWE Title. He will walk into Wrestlemania to main event the show against Randy Orton, thus making my column two weeks ago truly prophetic. Edge and Big Show will pair off in a lower card match, Taker and HBK should have a decent bout, Matt will face Jeff and Koslov will fight in some sort of monster battle royal or a Money in the Bank match. Stephanie’s phone calls the past few weeks have been to Hunter, and like I said, he can’t stay idle for too long. Orton’s taken out his father-in-law and now he’ll take out his brother-in-law. Having the storyline at Wrestlemania 25 be the prodigal son-in-law fighting for the McMahon honor against the rising star is too big to pass up.
Winner: Triple H

Brad Curran- I could see anyone walking out of this (what I assume will be the main event) match as champion. Even Vlad and Big Show could possibly be transitional champs for a HHH or Undertaker win at ‘Mania. So, good on WWE for not booking two world title matches with obvious winners in one gimmick match. I’ll take Edge anyway, but I can certainly see the other five guys winning. Well, maybe not Jeff.
Winner- Edge

Mark Allen: An infinitely better Chamber match that has two or three realistic winners. That being said the WWE Title has bounced around too much the past few months and Edge needs to retain here before his probable one-on-one with HHH at WrestleMania.
Winner – Edge

Iain Burnside: As I wrote earlier in the present-past… “It makes no sense for Vickie to lump her husband into an Elimination Chamber, least of all one where he could lose the title. Edge comes out and says just that, then assures us that he will be in the Elimination Chamber… as referee. The participants wind up being, oh, let’s say Jeff, Matt, H, Vlad, MVP and Umaga. Jeff winds up getting eliminated before Matt, the 6th entrant, even enters the match, thanks to an overzealous Edge DQing him for some minor infraction. It boils down to Matt and H and of course Edge doesn’t give a fuck who wins now, since he can’t stand either one of them. Shenanigans occur, Jeff finds a way back into the chamber, nails Matt with a chair and H gets the pin counted by the replacement referee following Jeff inside. Et voila.” And yet, more importantly, there remains the question of why the United States of America cannot stock any good fucking cheese in their supermarkets. Seriously, what the fuck is with “Monterrey Jack” or whatever it’s called – it’s not real cheese, it’s not big, it’s not clever and it’s definitely not tasty, it’s fucking pointless so do something about it, Superman. This match would be improved with the addition of superheroes (just picture The Flash shaving his beard and taking a piss whilst vibrating his way through his pod to touch you while you sleep) but it would be massively improved were the entire Chamber to be replaced by a big ball of Babybel, which I hate. The waxy coat in which it can be found, however, would make for some intriguing television, bearing in mind that all of the competitors would end up waxy, red and probably a little too turned on for their own good. In fact, I’m a little turned on right now after watching Viscera anally cuddle Shelton Benjamin’s Momma in my sleep. I suppose we should get back to talking about the match now, which would include making some form of comment on the ridiculousness of putting 5 humans and three Hs in the same contraption without adequate floatation devices. Then again, Vickie Guerrero is the type of incompetent manager who allows her employees to be molested by an undead biker with a shiny hat and pretty, mascara-laden eyes. As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, amen.
Winner – MIKE KNOX

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No Holds Barred match:
Randy Orton vs. Shane McMahon

Raffi Shamir: I can’t believe they wasted the van Terminator on Raw. But then again, this opens the door for Shane McMahon to take a really sick bump like only he can on the PPV. Don’t be surprised if Stephanie turns on Shane and reveals that she’s been in cahoots with Randy Orton this whole time. Speaking of Orton – how can you not love him? He’s such a great heel managed to recover from the stupid IED thing that made him look like a crybaby.
Winner: Randy Orton

Andrew Wheeler: So in order for Hunter to destroy Randy, Randy has to destroy Shane. I like this match because it allows Orton to get heat on someone without tarnishing a guy on the roster. He and Legacy should destroy Shane, and maybe Hunter will make his presence known here to set up Mania. Not a lot else can be said other than the fact that Shane can work a decent match and can take the loss.
Winner: Randy Orton

Brad Curran- This probably won’t reach the heights of Shane’s best matches (with Kurt Angle and, oddly, Test) But, beyond Shane’s obligatory crazy spot(s), the interest here is whether a McMahon joins the Legacy so it doesn’t really have to be.
Winner- Randy Orton

Mark Allen: For once it’s refreshing that the winner of the Rumble match doesn’t have to defend the stipulation. Orton will beat the hell out of Shane to look like a world beater going into his main event in April.
Winner – Orton

Iain Burnside: I hear donkeys lying. I hear chicken frying. I hate Dakota Fanning. I love Stockard Channing. I see babies in my bed, they comfort me, they come on me, they excite me. I’m a filthy paedo, I’m a filthy paedo. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I NEED HELP.
Winner – MIKE KNOX?

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All or Nothing Match:
Shawn Michaels vs. JBL

Raffi Shamir: This is such a great feud. Both wrestlers play their roles perfectly. I only have two problems with it: a. It’s too soon for it to end and b. Shawn deserves better than fighting JBL at WrestleMania. So I came up with my own little fantasy booking. JBL wins here and owns Michaels. Next month he sends Michaels to fight Undertaker in an epic Battle of the Texans, hoping Michaels will win and JBL Enterprises will go down in history as ending Taker’s streak. Michaels will of course fail leading to another match with JBL where he finally wins his freedom. Anyway, JBL has to win here.
Winner: JBL

Andrew Wheeler: The culmination of a surprisingly good storyline will give us a happy-ish ending. Shawn Michaels will win his financial freedom from JBL, he’ll have his feel-good moment, and everyone goes home happy. That is, of course, until the Undertaker comes to collect his soul. Taker warned Shawn to not go along with JBL, and even though HBK wins his deal with the devil, his soul is still needed to be collected. This match won’t be too good but at least the storyline goes to bed. If the WWE has JBL win this match and keeps the story going, then they’re morons.
Winner: Shawn Michaels

Brad Curran- I’ve put too much thought in to how this thing could end in a swerve. I don’t see it happening, especially since they’re probably going to do Shawn vs. UT at ‘Mania. Shawn’s formula for getting decent matches out of big men and the drama of the stips could make this a rare watchable JBL match.
Winner- Shawn Michaels

Mark Allen: Please, please, please let Shawn win this one clean and just be done with this ridiculous angle. Let Shawn go on to play with Undertaker at WrestleMania.
Winner – Shawn

Iain Burnside: As I wrote earlier in the past-present… “Meanwhile, they can find a way to add Sad Face and Jellybelly to the Raw match. It boils down to them and Cena and Cena wins (duh), with surprisingly little anti-JBL action from Shawn. JBL is both pissed off about losing and happy that Shawn is starting to stick to the deal. He says it doesn’t matter if he gets a title shot or not because he is about to do something that will truly make him a Wrestling God… end the Undertaker’s streak. Officially it is a Handicap Match, Shawn & JBL vs Taker. However, JBL is adamant that he isn’t even going to ringside until after Mr WrestleMania has done his job, so Shawn and Taker get a good 20 minutes or so to do their thing and make the crowd all crazy-like (complete with Shawn entering to JBL’s music). Taker beats the fuck out of Shawn but gets nailed with a superkick and both men are out, then MORE COWBELL and the limo turns up. JBL gurns like a Londoner as he goes to the corner and demands the tag. Shawn crawls over. Taker sits up. JBL panics and manages to tell Shawn to land another kick, just in time. Taker is down and JBL gets the tag. He makes the cover but gets 2 and nine-tenths. Pissed off, he decides to take care of business himself. He waves Taker up and prepares to hit the Lariat From Purgatory. Taker catches him in time – chokeslam. He drags JBL to the corner and demands Shawn get back in so they can finish it. Shawn makes the tag and they go for another few minutes until Taker hits the Tombstone and gets the win. Party time. He leaves and JBL gets back in the ring. He grabs a mic and runs down Shawn, telling him that he is useless, that from now on he will be doing tasks no more exciting than cleaning his toilet and shining his shoes, that he is nothing but a failure, just like all the other losers in Texas who can’t go to New York and make something of themselves – Shawn nips up! Superkick! FTW! Texas explodes! Shawn’s music plays as he panders to the crowd like a middle-aged homosexual deviant. Happy thoughts.” Of course, to tie into all of this, Shawn should come out to a modified version of JBL’s entrance music, which would indeed just be JBL saying “Moo.” in a nonchalant voice. If I were booking this, I would place a pole on a pole and give them a ladder with the stipulation that neither of them are allowed to climb the ladder unless they’re both on the ladder OR both on the pole at the same time and the first one to successfully recite the alphabet loses. This can be SWERVED the following night when it is revealed that JBL put a disclaimer into the match contract that requires the full, reverse recital of the Klingon language in order to not be stupid. After clotheslining the hell out of the western hemisphere, Tony Atlas does a skip in whilst wearing a Mike Knox mask whilst calling himself Henry Dreamer and thrusting with every fourth skip, despite the continued presence of Hornswoggle kicking him in the face via a floating ladder that can only logically be explained by Satanism or Christianity or an uneasy combination of the two, nobody can be sure but everyone can be sexy.
Winner – MIKE KNOX

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ECW Championship Match:
Jack Swagger (c) vs. Finlay

Raffi Shamir: CHRISTIAN IS BACK TO ECW! Yeah, I know. It’s only ECW. But at least Christian is back. With Swagger only holding the title for a month and Finlay being Finlay, the title isn’t going anywhere. Besides, the money (Or in ECW’s case, small change) is in Christian vs. Swagger, not Finlay.
Winner: Jack Swagger

Andrew Wheeler: And just like that, ECW is the hottest show on television. Christian’s addition to the roster was a brilliant move (more on that in my column this coming Thursday), and with Bourne coming back, ECW’s got some of the best talent in the WWE. In fact, ECW has the brightest talent, because ECW has Jack Swagger. Swagger impresses me quite a bit, and I have a feeling that working with former/current agent/producer Finlay will only make him better. Moving on from this, Jack can have some great feuds with Christian and Bourne, until of course he’s snapped up by the Draft Lottery.
Winner: Jack Swagger

Mark Allen: Yeah Swagger already has his dance card filled with Christian at WrestleMania. He’s not dropping it here.
Winner – Jack

Iain Burnside: Clearly, Swagger should be able to avoid this match by calling child services and getting Finlay arrested for being the World’s Worst Father since he can’t even teach his son how to speak or use soap. Who wears clogs, seriously?
Winner – MIKE KNOX

And those are out predictions. Join us Sunday night on Pulse Wrestling foe our live, up to the minute coverage of No Way Out.