How will Ryan explain why Joanna Pacitti has vanished from the 36? Will he give us the party line statement of “It has been determined that Joanna Pacitti is ineligible to continue in the competition?” Or will we get the inside scoop about how she was connected to 19 Management? Or will they do the natural thing and not even mention it? Denial is always a best policy until you can point towards a bigger scandal. Maybe A-Roid has taken away Simon’s scandal heat. How did he let a girl who couldn’t remember the lyrics into the 36 without even making her sing off?
The show starts. Finally America gets to see which kids will get to reap the glory of touring this summer.
Ryan introduces the contestants and the four judges without mentioning Joanna. He wears a sweater and shirt like he’s ready to talk his calculus final. The judges advice to the contestants that they just have to go for it. Forget the nerves. This is coming off as a time killer. They are talking around the gorilla in the room. Why was she booted? Simon does compliment Ryan’s haircut.
They divide the contestants in 3 groups of 12. The top girl and boy of each week will get into the Big 12. The person with the next highest votes gets in. There will be a Wild Card night to determine the final 3 contestants.
Hits from the Billboard Hot 100 is tonight’s theme. Maybe somebody will pick “Born Free?” How about “Midnight at the Oasis?”
Jackie Thon goes first. She talks about the collapse of gel wall as a warning for Simon to not criticize her. She’s performing Elvis’ “Little Less Conversation.” She’s in a black spandex pair of pants that look like she escaped from an episode of Sha-Na-Na. Or maybe she’s preparing to tour in Grease with Taylor Hicks? The arrangement is completely flat and mixed way down low. I can barely hear the back up singers. There’s no rising in volume as the song rises up. Jackie’s vocals are over mixed. You know she is from the greater New Yawk area. What’s weird is that she’s going for a ‘50s vibe, but Elvis recorded this song in 1968 for the movie Live a Little, Love a Little. Simon liked her voice, but thought she played the clown. He thought the song was gimmicky. Gimmicky? Also the song wasn’t a hit until it was remixed by JXL for a Nike World Cup ad. Her parents are on the sofa with and Ryan. That’s a new twist and it’s rather dumb.
Ricky Braddy talks about cooking chicken fingers, but his microphone is completely dead. I smell a deep fried audio crew. Why do they perform live? Braddy is from Elizabeth City, North Carolina. I got lost in that town thanks to a bad direction on Mapquest. He picks “A Song For You” by Donny Hathaway. It’s also suffering from a bad music mix. His microphone doesn’t seem too pick up the range. Three judges clapping at the end. Randy loves it. Kara says he killed it. She also nearly swallows her mic. Paula points out that Ricky was hidden from the early parts of the show. Simon likes it, but has an issue because Ricky doesn’t have starpower. It’s all about believing in yourself, Simon declares. Is this a singing competition or a charisma rating? Ricky tries to talk to Ryan, but his wireless microphone is dead. Did they put a battery in it? Do they rehearse this show? Does the crew think this is live theater?
Confessions of a Shopaholic is the first feel good film of the year? How am I supposed to feel good watching a woman over spend on foolish labels? Maybe next week there will be a feel good film about people who set $100 bills on fire.
Alexis Grace from Memphis is on. They show an early version of her before she put the pink flair in her hair. She wants to dirty her look up. She can always go on Cathouse to keep the dirty look going. She picks “Never Loved the Man” by Aretha Franklin. She doesn’t come off completely as the skinny white girl going for the soul moment in the shower. It doesn’t hurt that she’s in heels, pearls and a little black dress that looks like a slip. If she doesn’t make it on Idol, she does have a shot at Cathouse. Randy is lovin’ her right now. Kara likes seeing her come out of her shell. Paula loves how she can show so much soul and confidence. She keeps going on to make Simon squirm while waiting. Simon’s microphone is also sounding bad. Simon likes her and thinks she has soul. He says she’s the dark horse. He compares her to Kelly Clarkson. She also gets mom and dad on the sofa. Her dad looks barely old enough to have left his mother’s basement. Who is watching her baby?
Ted Danson and Neil Patrick Harris are in the crowd! Sam Malone and Doogie Howser are going to party afterward. Neil should better be referred to as Barney from How I Met Your Mother. He’s such a stud with the ladies. If only that show was on HBO, we’d know his secret for pleasuring Robin Scherbatsky. I’d pay $20 to sit between Ted and Neil just so they’d get upset with me constantly saying, “What’s Bea Arthur smell like when she’s on the prowl?”
Brent Keith gets knocked around when his video introduction just goes to Stevie Wright. Ryan improvs a couple questions. Before Brent can react, they start off the tape. Hopefully this technical hiccup won’t mess up his game. He unleashes “Hicktown.” He doesn’t mention that the song was done by Jason Aldean. It’s a really rednecky song that Billy Ray Cyrus should use for a comeback. Randy rambles weird with talk about him playing at a chili cookoff with Simon riding a bull. Kara thinks there wasn’t enough range in the song. No risks. Paula thinks it shows him as a country artist. She raises up Bucky Covington’s name. Simon wonders what happened to Bucky. Simon thinks Brent blew it by giving a forgettable performance. Brent’s wife is in the red room. Ryan asks her if there’s a point when you want to give up the musical dream. Brent was on CMT’s Nashville Star and did the song for a Dale Earnhardt film. This guy is a country artist and not a pop star.
Stevie Wright gets her videotape shown again. She’s not one of Simon’s favorite. Her voice is way too husky and nervous at first. Her selection of Taylor Swift’s “You Belong To Me” isn’t a smart move. This is pure Karaoke. Dog, you’re pretty and pitchy. Randy was disappointed. Kara agrees. They wanted her to be young, but the song isn’t her. Paula is disappointed. Simon says there’s zero chance of her getting through to the next round. At least Ted Danson applauds her. She gets greeted by her mom and dad. Mom is pissed off at how the judges keep screwing with her song choices. Her mom might attack Simon with a purse soon.
It’s Anoop Desai time, ladies. Is it wrong that I look at this guy and think of the Mathletes kid from Mean Girls. He’s doing “Angel of Mine” by Monica. He’s going for the sweet ballad. He wants Doogie to give him the “you’re in the zone” nod. There’s always a risk when a guy goes ballad too soon. You want the crowd rocking around to the beat. Anoop seems to be captivating the folks. Paula screams. The crowd rises. Randy tosses out the Anoop dog. Randy thinks it didn’t settle with the background singers mix. Kara isn’t sure if he really nailed the song. But she saw a lot of great potential. Paula says America has connected with him. Anoop-mania is spreading across this land. Simon thinks the song is a little too grown up. Anoop talks about what the song means to him. The crowd groans at Simon. Anoop’s folks are on the sofa. He gives credit to the backing band. He knows how to spread the love.
At the halfway point of the show, it’s safe to say Brent Keith and Stevie Wright are the dead meat of the night. Anoop and Alexis are in the leader slots. Ricky Braddy is the third slot. Jackie Tohn is lined up for the Wild Card episode. However we still have the spoiler Tatiana Del Toro to come.
Casey Carlson wants to escape her life at the cash register. She’s chosen The Police’s “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” because the song makes her feel good. It’s a disaster. It’s very passionless. She smiles a lot and keeps her mouth in an extreme “O” position. Simon will like that image. Randy is lost. Kara says everything about it was wrong. Casey is about to cry. Paula thinks she’s a beautiful girl, but the song went wrong. Simon asks, “How do you think it’s gone tonight?” He wonders why she picked that karaoke song. Her mom gives her a big hug and says she looked good on the stage. She needs to apply to America’s Next Top Model. She won’t be competing with Tatiana. At least she has something to talk about when she rings up purchases.
Michael Sarver reminds us of his life as a roughneck on the oil field. He wants a safer job for raising his kids. He’s giving us “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin Degraw. He’s rockin’ the mic and shakin’ his booty. The mix seems better than early in the show. The guitar works with his voice. He doesn’t seem to have that second gear when he needs to go up on the notes. Randy hears pitch issues. Kara points out it’s a great crowd pleaser song, but it didn’t show his talent. Paula thinks he did a real good job. He drove Paula nuts by changing hands with his microphones. She also mentions every contestant that did this song in the past. Simon says that he likes him as a guy. But he’s not impressed by the vocal. Simon wanst people to pick up the phone to give him another shot. Smells like we’ll see him on Wild Card night. His wife and mom are on the sofa. Ryan asks if the wife picked out his shirt. The parents on the sofa business doesn’t work. They’re better off waving in the crowd.
Anne Marie Boskovich is a waitress and demo singer. She recounts how Simon had her slut it up during the first audition. She’s picks “Natural Woman.” It’s another Aretha Franklin song. Her voice really doesn’t work well with the material. She’s not bad, but there’s a level of conviction missing. It’s like what a soap commercial would use if they didn’t want to pay for Franklin’s vocal. Randy has issues with it. Kara doesn’t think she killed the big song. She wants her to do a more fun and girly song. Paula thinks she did better versus Hollywood week material. Simon calls her a hotel singer. He thinks she ruined her one chance. Really? Her mom and sister think she did great and the judges blew it. Simon is wrong. Anne Marie has a shot at a second chance. They do have those wild card slots. She towers over Ryan on the sofa.
The trailer for Wolverine shows Ryan Reynolds as a co-star. What? Call my HSX agent. I need to sell before Mr. Box Office Poison strikes. The only time he stuck gold was marrying Scarlett Johansson. And how boring is your life if imdb lists as trivia that you “used to work in a grocery store.” Really? So did I. Maybe I have a chance with Scarlett when she decides to stray? I still have my bag boy apron in the closet.
Stephen Fowler recounts how he crashed and burned during his final song in Hollywood week. Yet he still got through. Now he does Michael Jackson’s “Rock With You.” Can you do that song justice without wearing shiny socks? He’s not on beat. He’s completely behind the music. He’s not listening to the music. He’s not in the same tempo of the song. He goes for the big high note and it’s not there. Way to burn a second chance at fame. Randy doesn’t know what’s going on. Randy sucks air. Kara felt more from him when he forgot the lyrics. He says he’s not comfortable singing without his piano. Well that’s not going to cut it here. Paula feels disappointed at him dropping it. Simon hates the arrangement. Simon calls it corny. Stephen’s wife stayed home. He has to stand on the stage with Ryan. There’s no comforting arms. Couldn’t they have brought Ted Danson on the stage to give him a hug? Or is Ted too busy counting his money from the DVD release of Becker: the Second Season? Fowler won’t be getting any Wild Card hope tonight.
Tatiana is coming up next! Do you hear my heart flutter? Tyler Perry’s Medea Goes To Jail is like Ernest Goes To Jail for the 21st Century. Shame that Jim Varney died cause he’d be great as Medea’s cellmate. He could have done his old lady character. They’d be mining comedy gold on death row.
Tatiana Del Toro fights her way through every round. She is my favorite trainwreck. This woman must go to the top 12. She is the reason I write this blog. She’s about to cry and then she laughs. She’s a charmer. It’s Whitney Houston’s “Saving All My Love For You.” She’s in a sun dress that makes her look like the hostess at a Fish Fry. Now they’re mixing the music over the top of her vocal. She’s not doing the usual vocal gymnastics. She’s giving us the song without going Whitney. Bow down and worship the princess. Randy was impressed by moments in there. Wasn’t blown away by the whole song. Kara calls her a rollercoaster. Tonight she’s a calm. Where does Tatiana fit? Is she an artist or a personality. Paula loved her closing notes. Simon declares her a complete and utter drama queen. Simon says it was better than expected. He can’t handle her being so calm. He wants her to give the weird laugh. She has two friends waiting on the sofa. Does Tatiana have a red Kabbalah string around her wrist? Or is it merely a message to Madonna? She is a woman of mystery.
Why would anyone download most of these performances from iTunes? It’s not even like they come close to singing the entire song.
All we have left for the night is Danny Gokey. He’s chosen Mariah Carey’s “Hero.” Really? This is one of those moments where you better nail that landing or you’re going to looking like the gymnast who face plants in the Olympics. All or nothing. He speaks about going to the audition barely a month after his wife’s death. He stands on stage looking ready to conquer the world. He pulls it out. It’s a chills across your body event. The crowd goes nuts. Gokey deserves it. Randy, Kara and Paula are blown away by his performance. Simon doesn’t think it was fantastic. How pathetic. Simon isn’t buying the hype. What hype? All night this lump goes on about charisma and owning the material. How can he not see it? Or is Simon merely playing the character of the guy who won’t be impressed until the end. This was a performance that will get a lot of action on iTunes.
The picks to win are Danny Gokey, Anoop Desai and Tatiana Del Toro. She’s got the whole Vote For the Worst crowd calling. Otherwise I would have gone with Alexis Grace.
The Wild Card hopefuls are Ricky Braddy, Anne Marie Boskovich, Jackie Tohn, Alexis Grace and Michael Sarver.
The Dead and Forgotten are Stevie Wright, Casey Carlson, Stephen Fowler and Brent Keith.
Joanna Pacitti’s name is never uttered the entire night. That was the performance of the night.
