Oh Jessica Simpson. Even though her movies have never been very good, youve gotta hand it to her: the girl knows how to stay in the spotlight. From her attempt at competing with Britney and Christina in the late ’90s, to Newlyweds, to dating Tony Romo, to wearing high-waisted jeans, shes always managed to stay in the public eye. She always has such grand dreams too. Her previous film Blonde Ambition was her attempt at being Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde. Her latest film, Private Valentine: Blonde and Dangerous, her best attempt at re-creating Goldie Hawns comic genius in Private Benjamin. But just like Blonde Ambition, this movie fails miserably.
Simpson stars as Megan Valentine, a pampered Hollywood starlet. One night, her boyfriend breaks up with her hes sleeping with her manager and she runs her car into a tree. She ends up at the Army recruiting office and signs up for duty. An “impulse purchase”, she calls it. Just like expected, she goofs around all through basic training much to the frustration of her drill sergeant (Vivica A. Fox; Kill Bill Vol 2, Independence Day) and her squad (which includes former SNL member Cheri Oteri). She also manages to develop a romantic relationship with a hunky sergeant.
I think theres a little more to the plot, which involve Valentine backstabbing her entire squad, apologizing, and then they all love her again, and something about Cheri Oteris character really needing to get laid, but its really not important.
Whats important is that you stay away from this movie. Far, far away. Jessica Simpsons so-called acting talent is just plain terrible. She overacts everything. Every line overstated, every action overdone, shes just annoying to watch. Unless you dig watching Simpson for an hour and a half in an army uniform. In that case, watch away.
The only other actor worth mentioning in this film is Steve Guttenberg. Yes!! The Gute comes out of retirement! But for this? Are he and Daddy Joe Simpson buddies now? He plays Valentines over-tanned agent. The guys still got class, even amidst this stinker of a film.
Somehow Private Valentine got released in Russia last year in theaters and was #1 at the box office. What an embarrassing representation of American film.
Youd expect a Jessica Simpson movie to be fluffy and brainless, but this is just plain bad. There are plenty of fluffy and brainless romantic comedies out there; heck, Kate Hudson cant stay away from them! Maybe instead of trying to channel Goldie Hawn, Simpson could take a cue from her daughter and find films like the ones Hudson does.
Presented in 2.40:1 aspect ratio and in Dolby Digital surround sound. I have to admit, the sound quality is really very good. There was a scene where they were at the firing range and I kept looking around me out the windows to see if someone was firing outside too. That doesn’t happen very often, and I certainly didn’t expect it with Private Valentine.
Deleted Scenes – There are two deleted scenes here, neither of which are very good. Combined, the running time is 57 seconds.
The Making of Private Valentine: Blonde and Dangerous Featurette – This starts out like any other featurette, but then the girls start getting really ditzy. And Jessica Simpson isn’t even a part of this featurette! It’s all the other girls! Some of the things they reveal – During the candy bar scene, they didn’t even eat their candy bars! They had people waiting off camera with spit buckets. One girl says that after the fourth bit, she’d had enough. Good grief, can we say body image issues? The movie was shot in Shreveport, LA and every single one of them complains about the heat. Awww. Let me just tell you how sorry I feel for them. They also say that they had never heard of chiggers before. What? And I thought Megan Valentine was prissy.
Previews: Center Stage: Turn It Up, Blonde Ambition (figures), Girls Night In (re-releases of rom-com DVDs under the Girls Night In banner), and Taking 5
This movie stinks. And after watching the extras, it stinks even more. I’ll keep trying to give Jessica Simpson a chance, though. There’s just no avoiding her sometimes.
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Sony Pictures presents Private Valentine: Blonde and Dangerous. Directed by: Steve Miner. Starring: Jessica Simpson, Vivica A. Fox, Steve Guttenberg, Cheri Oteri. Written by: April Blair, Kelly Bowe. Running time: 98 minutes. Rating: PG-13. Released on DVD: February 3, 2009. Available at Amazon.com
