American Idol – Episode 8-14 Review

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The second group of 12 battles for three slots. Ryan wears a knit golf shirt with short sleeves. Was he part of last weekend’s PGA event? He shows off the three finalists from last week. How can we survive without Anoop Dog? Randy thinks the second week folks have the advantage since they have no nerves. Really? Kara says there’s no second chances? Really? What about second chance night after America chooses 9 of the 12 finalists. Ryan finally admits to the Wild Card show. So there are second chances, Kara. They introduce the 12 singers. A few toss what appear to be gang signs at the camera. Next week will be interesting as Ryan will have to answer the question of where’s Joanna Pacitti.

Jasmine Murray is the first to hit the stage. She swears her mom predicted she’d be on it this season. She survived the slaughter of Bikini Girl and Barefoot Rose during the group round. To launch the competition, she has selected Sara Bareilles’ “Love Song.” It’s not good. She lacks the smokey feeling of the original. Nobody in the red room will feel intimidating following this performance. Paula points out that she sang all around it. Simon was disappointed because she had great looks, but doesn’t have a great voice. He think she’ll be great in the future. She’s just needs to be baked more. Ryan asks Randy if she deserves a spot in the Top 12. He’s not committing to her. She’s dead meat out of the gate.

Matt Giraud is best known as the dueling piano player. He going to bust out the Billy Joel? Nope. He wants to do Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida.” Why? It’s a horrible song that sounds so much better when you throw in the guitar riffs from Joe Satriani’s “If I Could Fly.”  This is painful because he has so little range. Even less range than Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow doing the original. Hard to tell if he’s a bad singer or if my hatred of the song blanched out his performance. Kara wasn’t blown away. She thinks he’s a bluesy guy and that song has no blues. Paula had him as a top guy during Hollywood. She’s doing her best not to say he sucks. She admits to seeing him rehearse the song and he did better live. Simon says it verged on a horrible performance. Verged? Simon thinks he became a wannabe pop star. Randy agrees with Simon. He still think Matt has mad talents, but not Coldplay talent. Randy says Chris Martin of Coldplay can’t sing Ray Charles. Maybe this guy can only be pushed with a rival pianist? He’s right now begging for nostalgia votes from people who remember him from two weeks ago.

Jeanine Vailles gets her happy montage ending with her tripping over a coffeetable to hug Randy. Her pick is “This Love” by Maroon Five. She wears a pair of short shorts that will come in handy if she’s going to stay in Hollywood by working the Sunset Strip.  This sounds extra bad. It’s not coming through. It’s rather dull. She keeps pointing at the camera to emphasize her words. Ouch. Paula goes straight for a nice legs compliments and throws it to Simon. Simon thinks it’s painful and a struggle. Wrong song for her. But he’s also digging her legs. Randy thirds the leg action. Kara thinks what else is pretty about her. There’s no way to give advice when everything is pitchy. Jeanine wants to pick a better song. Well she’ll be getting plenty of votes from the Leg Show subscribers. Kara thinks she won’t be coming back to give us another song. 

This night has been a disaster so far. But things are looking up since after the break we get Nick Mitchell or will it be Normund Gentle? This could easily be his night since he’s got Adam as his main competition for the male vote.

Nick talks about the hate he felt from Simon in the montage. When it’s showtime, we get  Normund in the sweatbands and a white tux jacket. He’s doing “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” from Dreamgirls. He makes me laugh as he works the stage, the stairs and the audience. He’s got the geek boy soul going. He’s rubbing the American Idol logo on the front of the judge’s table. He’s hilarious and nearly in tune. This guy is gold. Normund has the audience going nuts. Simon chirps up first. “I pray you don’t go through to the next round.” Simon claims it was one of the most atrocious performance ever on the show.  “It takes one to know one, sassy pants!” Normund retorts. Randy says it’s one of the most entertaining performance of the night. Kara says, “At least we remember you.” She says he’s not a terrible singer. Paula gets the fun and says he’s a true performer. This guy ought to be on tour with Weird Al. America must embrace Normund.

Why is it tonight all the Fox network promos are extremely quiet? I’m not sure why Jack Bauer looks so nervous. Did he discover his Snuggie is on backorder?

Allison Iraheta pops up with her extremely red hair. It’s like she’s a paint color they’d use on a stock car. Her song is “Alone” by Heart. She approaches it with a low bluesy tone. When she does the chorus, she blasts the levels with the rocker chick vocals. Expect to hear Kelly Clarkson’s name tossed about by the judges. It’s not too bad of a performance. Although I don’t think she can follow it with “Dog and the Butterfly.” Randy swears she blew it out of the box. Kara says she doesn’t know how good she is. “You have serious chops. With the right song, you’ll be all over the radio,” Kara says. You can tell that Kara wants to write that song. Paula says she can sing the phone book. And she drops the Kelly Clarkson reference. Simon likes her, but tells her she was boring during her interview with Ryan. As if someday we’ll be seeing an Oscar nominated drama about Ryan’s chat with Angelina and Brad: Seacrest/Brangelina.

Kris Allen is a cipher from earlier in the series. I have no memories of him as he pops up on the stage. Why is this guy doing “Man in the Mirror” by Michael Jackson? He comes out quiet. He’s vanishing on the stage. Why has Jacko become a favorite on this show? Are the producers sucking up to him to be a special judge? It’s an OK performance of a lame song.  Kara likes the backend of the song more than the front. She’s let down. It’s the wrong song. Paula swears he nailed the song and was charming. What’s in her Coke cup? Simon agrees with Paula. She gives him a kiss. That’s a double shot of Scotch for those playing the drinking game. Simon thinks “the chicks are going to love” him. Randy says he’s done well without his guitar. Simon wants this guy to eliminate Normund. 

At halftime, it’s safe to announce that this is not a night for music lovers. Normund was fun, but the five serious contestants haven’t made me think they’re ready to make it.

Megan Corkrey arrives with her sweet blond look and massive and colorful tattoo sleeve. She thinks its tough to be away from her two year old song. She does “Put Your Records On” by Corinne Bailey Rae. Her microphone doesn’t seem to be working right. She seems to be too far back from it. She’s not touching the microphone or the stand. She’s just leaning in on the microphone. Maybe she fears catching Ryan’s cooties? When she leans back, it sounds like she’s in another room singing along with her records. Paula thinks she picked the right song and the camera is in love with her. Simon says she’s a funny little thing and she looks gorgeous. Simon didn’t like the middle part where he felt she got shouty. Randy compares her to Amy Winehouse and Duffy. Does that mean this girl will be on TMZ puking across London? Kara calls her a package artist. Again she goes on about “with the right song, you can be a breakout star on the radio.” With the right song anybody can become a superstar on the radio. Think of the “Macarena” guys or Rick Dees’ “Disco Duck.” One song. One hit. One wonders why they didn’t have another hit? At least the Village People have more than “YMCA.”

Any regular footlong is $5 at Subway? Wonder if Michael Phelps knows about this? 

Matt Breitzke renews his title as the singing welder. He’s doing this for his family. He drags out Tonic’s “If You Can Only See.” He takes it down a notch with less growl. He’s pretty clumsy in the stage moves, but his voice is smooth. He’s better off with the lights down. Simon says he likes Matt, but hated the song. He wanted Matt to do well. Matt disagrees. Randy thinks the performance and the song was just boring. Kara goes on about how she likes him, but it fell flat. Matt’s wife looks like Molly Parker on Swingtown. Paula likes his voice and he was in key. Perhaps he should have sung a Spicegirls song to appeal to Simon?

Jesse Langseth gets pushed as a single mom. We see cute fun between her and the 8 year old daughter. They recap her sing off and how Simon didn’t like her. “Betty Davis Eyes” by Kim Carnes is her choice. Wow. That’s not quite the crowd pleaser. The studio audience is rather timid. They should have had Normund do this. Randy thinks it was OK, but didn’t thing she didn’t blow him out of the box. Why does that sound like a sexual harassment lawsuit? Kara thinks the look worked for her. They discuss the drum pad sound that’s so addictive. Paula finds her captivating. Simon disagrees with Paula. He thinks she’s forgettable even though she has a nice voice.

I want Nannapuss pancakes! Where can I get ‘em? Can someone at Denny’s send me a coupon for this squid-like delight? Dollhouse isn’t as sassy as I crave.

Kai Kalama slaps around “What Becomes of the Broken Hearted.” He’s getting the soulful vibe, but isn’t pulling off the quiver notes. I’m not sensing he’s got a broken heart. It’s not quite grabbing me even though he’s sounds fine. Kara thinks he’s a real good guy. She sensed pitch issues. She thinks the 40 year old song is a little too old for her. Paula says it’s obvious he likes the throwback songs. She likes his stage performance. Simon thinks it was old fashioned, corny and wedding singer music. Nothing distinct and original. He thinks Kai will be a good back up singer. Randy thinks it was too safe. Not what he’s looking for in a singer. 

This hasn’t been a great night. You think the producers of the show would have done a better job getting the right material in the kids’ mouths. 

Mishavonna Henson talks about her comeback after being cut last season. She’s the Mickey Rourke of American Idol. She really doesn’t want to stick around as she does “Drops of Jupiter” by Train. This is a song that gets me to change the radio in the car no matter if I’m eating a burrito, text messaging a friend, making a left hand turn and about to run over a horde of school kids. It’s just a song that rubs my ears wrong. And she isn’t changing my mind. Paula is a fan of her voice, but the song didn’t excite her. Simon thinks it’s a great song. Really? This tells me that I have no interest in ever stealing Simon’s iPod. I think somebody pointed out that “Drops of Jupiter” is spunk. Randy thinks she sounds older than 18. Kara loves the song, but wishes she’d loosened up. Paula is sneezing. She’s allergic to Simon’s chest hair implants. 

How come nobody has chosen “Tequila?” Adam Lambert is coming up. Does anyone else think he needs to change his hair before Criss Angel sues him for image infringement?

Adam Lambert is Hollywood’s own. Wow. What star is in front of his house? In tribute to his mom, hes chosen the Rolling Stones’ “Satisfaction.” He goes for a slow dirty version. It’s like he’s Mick Jagger and Tina Turner’s love child. He gets the crowd up at the end. It’s a keeper for a relatively lame night. Paula likes it. Simon thought parts were brilliant and other parts that were terrible. Randy loves it and somehow ties this guy with the dude from Twilight. Kara appreciates his vocal range. Adam admits he loves the Twilight books. He’s angling for those teen girl callers.

Now we come to the predictions for how the phone calls should work out. With any luck Nick Mitchell will win. Otherwise he’s complete dead meat since there’s no way Simon will allow him to come back for Second Chance night. No man likes being called Sassy Pants in front of America. Adam Lambert is pretty much a lock for the 12. Allison Iraheta came off as the best female singer willing to grab the microphone. Remember that touching a strange mic stand won’t make you pregnant.

The people who we might see again on the Second Chance night should be Matt Giraud, Kris Allen, Megan Corkrey and maybe Matt Breitzke.

The folks who are pure dead meat are Jasmine Murray, Jeanine Vailles, Jesse Langseth, Kai Lalama and Mishavonna Henson.

Joe Corey is the writer and director of "Danger! Health Films" currently streaming on Night Flight and Amazon Prime. He's the author of "The Seven Secrets of Great Walmart People Greeters." This is the last how to get a job book you'll ever need. He was Associate Producer of the documentary "Moving Midway." He's worked as local crew on several reality shows including Candid Camera, American's Most Wanted, Extreme Makeover Home Edition and ESPN's Gaters. He's been featured on The Today Show and CBS's 48 Hours. Dom DeLuise once said, "Joe, you look like an axe murderer." He was in charge of research and programming at the Moving Image Archive.