The SmarK 24/7 Rant for WCW Bash at the Beach 2000
– Ugh, why do I punish myself with this stuff? Unfortunately the original rant is pretty crappy, so let’s journey back to the era of Russo & Bischoff. On the bright side, I don’t remember any of this crap in the slightest, so much like reruns on NBC, it’s new to me! Now where’s the alcohol…
– Live from Daytona Beach, FL. And presented by a full nelson!
– Your hosts are Tony, Scott Hudson and Mark Madden.
– Right off the bat I’m fucking annoyed because Tony says “sports entertainment” a million times, which sounds ridiculous on a show that’s supposed to be the “alternative” to WWE at the time.
WCW Cruiserweight title: Lt. Loco/Chavo Guerrero v. Juventud Guerrera
Before the show, Ernest Miller banned both factions from ringside upon threat of death, so of course the entire crew of both groups is out there to start. And who’s the dude who looks kind of like Rey Mysterio, but without the mask or steroids? They trade chops to start and Chavo gets a pair of atomic drops to put Juvy over the top. Now, I’m assuming the Filthy Animals were supposed to be heels at this point, but the pre-match promos were total babyface stuff and they’re certainly way hipper than the jobbers who comprise the Misfits in Action are. Do kids aspire to be like Lash LeRoux? Juvy stalls forever and heads back in, but Chavo blocks a suplex and puts him on the floor with his own, then follows with a pescado. Back in the ring as Juvy oversells everything like a total clown. Clearly he’s completely in his element under the Russo regime. Chavo gets a backbreaker for two and goes to an armbar, but Juvy chops out, so Chavo takes him down with a headscissors and a powerslam for two. Juvy comes back with chops, but misses a blind charge and they collide for the double KO. At 5:00 in. Chavo slugs away and puts Juvy on the floor, then follows with a dive from the top. The Filthy Animals (wearing masks in a funny bit) sneak back out to interfere, but the ref tosses them again. Meanwhile, the Juice hits Chavo with a buttdrop from the apron to the floor to take over. Back in, Juvy with a springboard splash for two. They fight to the top and Juvy comes out with a powerbomb for two. An ugly pancake sets up the Juicy Elbow for two, but now MIA does the same mask gimmick and Juvy gets distracted. Chavo tries the tornado DDT, but Juvy counters, and Chavo finally gets an inverted DDT for two. Powerbomb is countered by the Juice, and the Drunk Driver gets two. Chavo comes back with the tornado DDT to retain at 12:09. A fine opener, but all the stupid run-ins weren’t needed and nearly ruined it. ***1/2
Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett complains to Commissioner Cat that Hogan isn’t here yet. He literally has a singing fat lady ready. Oh, Russo.
Hardcore title: Big Vito v. Norman Smiley & Ralphus
This is actually a pretty dignified period for Vito compared to what the WWE had in store for him. Vito gets rid of Ralphus right away and goes after Smiley by the stage, and they head into the back for the “brawl”. Ralphus recovers and helps Smiley double-team Vito, which gives us the Wiggle. Norman directs Ralphus in his garbage can lid attack as this gets somehow more embarrassing than I pictured, but Vito is shockingly able to fend off the wrath of Ralphus and comes back. Norman tries to call for the elevator and Vito beats up the caterer, as they fight into the elevator and Norman gets left there. I would like to remind everyone that Vince Russo was paid $2.5 MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR to think this bullshit up. Vito drags Ralphus down to the ring and beats on him, and they can’t even set up a table properly without it breaking. Vito splashes him through the table and gets the pin to retain at 5:55. $2.5 million dollars! For THIS! -**
Kevin Nash is ANGRY. At Goldberg. But first, before that intensely personal grudge match, a wedding gown match between two managers!
Wedding Gown match: Miss Hancock v. Daffney
The incredibly pretentious video package for this idiocy makes it so much easier to hate. Like, imagine Tony Schiavone quotes superimposed on footage from the feud. Hancock gets a handspring elbow, but Daffney takes her down by the hair. They fight on the ropes until the ref and David Flair pull them apart and this just gets stupider by the second. And then the men lose their pants. Hancock gets sent into David’s crotch, and now suddenly they’re trying to shave Daffney’s head for no adequately explored reason. Oh, and then Crowbar runs in and beats up Flair (also in his underwear, of course) before the match grinds to a further halt so Hancock can strip to end the match at 4:18. The announcers question the legality of Hancock removing her own dress, but it ends the match, so I’m fine with it. Astonishingly, Stacy became a pretty decent worker for her position In the company once she went to WWE. This was like, I dunno, a three-ring circus taking place on the back of a train car, and the train derails and crashes into a giant 20 car pileup on the interstate. -****
WCW World tag title: Shawn Stasiak & Chuck Palumbo v. Kronik
Adams tosses Palumbo and then presses Stasiak onto him, prompting the champs to take a walk and stall. Back in, Stasiak pounds away in the corner on Clarke, but comes off the top and lands in a uranage. Kronik double-teams Stasiak with an elbow and Adams gets a big boot, so Palumbo comes in. And Adams immediately gets a full nelson slam (“Oh no, not the fatty bo-batty!” sez Madden), but the champs double-team on the floor to take over. This is of course horrifying because Adams’ hair threatens to come in contact with the remnants of the wedding cake from the last match, and that would just kill the only appeal as a worker he had left by 2000. Luckily, it escapes unscathed, ready to flow and flip like a third man on the team yet again. Back in, Palumbo pounds away and Adams is in trouble, but the hair is well-conditioned and full of life! Chuck with the sleeper and Stasiak comes in with a back elbow for two. Stasiak pounds away on the ropes and Adams actually stops to do a hair flip while selling. He must have learned from Kevin Nash. Stasiak with the sleeper, like a metaphor for this fucking boring match, and they collide for the double KO. Hot tag Clarke, and while he’s fresh, his hair is much greasier than usual, and I feel that could put them at a distinct disadvantage. Meltdown is reversed by Palumbo into a shitty DDT, and now Stasiak comes in and dropkicks everyone. I have seriously seen backyard wrestling tapes that were more professionally contested than this shit. At least no one was slipping and falling on their ass (like Clarke does during a charge to the corner) and charging people $30 to watch it on PPV. The champs double-team Clarke while Adams is busy combing his hair, but luckily he makes the save and tosses Palumbo. F5 for Stasiak and they hit their double chokeslam for two, but it turns into a big sloppy brawl again. Palumbo also takes the pot-themed finisher, but Stasiak breaks it up. So they hit him with a Doomsday Device and win the tag titles at 13:38. Kronik was their own special kind of awful, but at least they were over. And had the hair of a World champion. *1/2
Meanwhile, the Jung Dragons attack the Cat in a bit stolen from the Pink Panther movies.
Kanyon v. Booker T
Booker puts him on the floor with a spinkick right away, tragically knocking the blond wig off. Back in, Kanyon slugs away, but Booker hits him with a dropkick and clotheslines him. Back to the floor goes Kanyon and they have a quick brawl out there, then back in for a Booker clothesline for two. Back to the floor and Kanyon sends him into the railing, then puts the stairs on Booker’s arm and whacks it with a chair. Back in, Kanyon puts him against the railing and dropkicks him into it, then brings him back in with a superplex. That gets two. Kanyon puts a chair in the corner, but Booker fights back with a powerslam for two. Kanyon catches him coming out of the corner with a powerbomb for two. Inverted Boston crab follows, but Bookre powers out and gets a rollup for two. Kanyon reverses that for two. Booker fires back with a forearm and a spinebuster for two, but Kanyon’s in the ropes. Booker goes after him with the chair, but Kanyon hits him with the BOOK OF DOOM for two. Well the brick fell out, see. Booker spins up and sidekicks Kanyon down, which sets up the ax kick and Bookend for two. He goes up, but Jeff Jarrett runs in and guitars him, and the Kanyon Kutter finishes at 10:00. More of a Nitro match than anything. ***
Meanwhile, Mike Awesome hits on the singing fat lady, but has no luck.
US title: Scott Steiner v. Mike Awesome
They immediately brawl into the crowd and Awesome gives him a backbreaker on the floor as Tony talks about “superstars in sports entertainment”. KILL ME NOW. Steiner uses a chair to gain the advantage and they head back in, where Steiner drops the elbow for two. Awesome comes back with a boot out of the corner, but Steiner hits him with a belly to belly for two. Backbreaker sets up a suplex, but Awesome reverses and drops him on the top rope instead. Steiner hits the floor and Awesome drops an elbow from the apron, then beats on him with a chair. Clearly the crowd wants to cheer for Steiner here but WCW insisted on booking him as a heel for whatever reason. Awesome slingshots himself in for two. Flying Awesome clothesline gets two. The Cat comes out to watch as Steiner comes back with the overhead suplex, but Cat stops him from doing the Steiner Recliner for some reason. Steiner knocks him off the apron, allowing Awesome to get a powerbomb for two. Awesome flying splash gets two. Steiner fights off a powerbomb attempt and the ref is bumped, but Cat’s interference backfires and he superkicks Awesome by mistake. Steiner gets two off that. Belly to belly and the Steiner Recliner finish at 9:07, but Cat strips him of the title for using the banned finisher. Stupid finish, OK match. Booking was really weird, as Steiner wrestled as a babyface and the Cat acted like a total heel and they did heel spots, but they’re supposed to be the exact opposite. **1/2
Graveyard match: The Demon (Dale Torborg) v. Vampiro
Yes, they’re in a GRAVEYARD. TWO AND A HALF MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR. Vampiro tries to jump out of a tree, but it misses. I can’t imagine how that plan would have failed. They slug it out but you can’t actually see anything. Not a complaint, just an observation. Demon manages to shove him into an open grave, but Vampiro pulls him in and then goes after Asya. Demon gives chase after EMOTING~! And then they go swimming. Tony’s worry is that there might be alligators in the water. If only. Vampiro drowns the Demon and then goes after Asya again, but luckily Charles Robinson fishes him out. Isn’t he supposed to be an immortal spawn of Hell? Can they really drown in two feet of water like that? And then, um, Vampiro pops out of a coffin and breaks a plaster tombstone over Demon’s head. So naturally Demon goes into the coffin and gets thrown into the open grave, because really what other finish could you have? That’s it, it’s over. TWO AND A HALF MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR.
Buff Bagwell v. Shane Douglas
Slugfest to start and Buff dropkicks him out, then pounds on the ribs outside. Douglas goes low and drops him on the railing, but Buff backdrops Douglas onto the floor. Back in, Buff with a neckbreaker, but Shane rolls out and stalls again. They slug it out on the floor and Douglas takes Buff into the post crotch-first, then punches a chair back into Bagwell’s face. Douglas is so lame that he goes to a chinlock on the floor, then stops by the announce table to say “Now it’s time to go home.” Gosh, I guess he’s shooting then. Back into the ring and Douglas hits a necksnap before going to a neck vice. Torrie Wilson comes out and distracts Douglas, allowing Bagwell to roll him up for two. Buff with a pump splash for two as Torrie stands on the apron and cheers. What idiot can’t see this coming down main street? And sure enough, Torrie turns on him and the Pittsburgh Plunge gets two. Buff comes back with a DDT for two. Buff goes up to finish, but Torrie grabs the leg and the Franchiser jawbreaker finishes at 7:50. **
WCW World title: Jeff Jarrett v. Hulk Hogan
OK, so there’s this match. Russo had this idea where Jarrett would “shoot” and lay down for Hogan because Hogan had creative control (the character, you see) and Russo wanted to get the title off him. In storyline, you see. So Hogan “wins” the title by pinning Jarrett with his foot, but Russo would cut this nasty promo later on and take the title from Hogan, setting up a rematch down the road to re-unify the titles. But then it got really silly, as Hogan (the real person, such as he is) turned around and sued WCW for slander and didn’t actually ever come back again. And then it gets worse, as we get the announcers talking about it afterwards, as they’re all “Oh wow, this is SO REAL. They didn’t go over this at the production meeting!” Remember, with Russo, everything you see is fake, except for what you’re watching right now, which is REAL.
And now, back to stuff that definitely IS part of the script, as Vampiro returns to the ring to officially win his match (in case you were worried about it), but a group of Sting clones brings the coffin out, presumably still with the dead body of Dale Torborg in it. However, it actually turns out to be Sting, which is a huge swerve given that the coffin was carried out by 8 guys dressed like Sting. I mean, who would’ve suspected, right? TWO AND A HALF MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR.
So as promised, Russo heads out and tells the world his views on Hulk Hogan. Hudson clarifies that it’s not Vince Russo The Character, but rather Vince Russo The Boss. Of course, Vince Russo The Boss is a character played on TV by Vince Russo The Person. Anyway, Vince tells the inspiring story of how he came back to WCW to help out the guys who give a shit about the company and Hogan isn’t one of those people. Hogan, you see, wants his title back, and Russo doesn’t want Jarrett to get beat, but this is actually all storyline because the whole thing was planned. So Russo basically strips Hogan of the title and declares that tonight, Jeff Jarrett faces Booker T in the main event for the title. Nobody in that audience had any clue what the hell Russo was talking about, because everyone who wasn’t on the internet (which is still 95% of the audience even today) just thought Hogan was the big star and hero. And really, who was Russo to be out there talking shit after three years in the sport? Tony actually says “shoot” and Hudson SHOWS THE FORMAT SHEET and notes that it’s not there anywhere. This show makes me want to blow my brains out to stop the stupidity. Russo was right about one thing: Hogan never did show his face in WCW again, but then went back to WWE and made another zillion dollars because he could still make people think he was the hero. Hogan at least had real accomplishments in the sport, which is more than you can say for Russo.
The Battle for Scott Hall: Goldberg v. Kevin Nash
This was right after Goldberg’s disastrous heel turn that basically destroyed his WCW career for good. Nash chokes away in the corner, but Goldberg pushes him down and follows with a suplex for two. They slug it out and Goldberg hits the Bretkiller kick, but Nash chokeslams him for two. And now Scott Steiner joins us, acting like a babyface despite being a heel earlier, which is a sure sign that he’s turning on Nash because it’s a BIG SWERVE. Goldberg charges and runs into a boot and Nash gets the sideslam for two. Goldberg recovers and tries the spear, but hits the turnbuckle as they’re rushing through this like crazy to fit the show into PPV time. Nash sets up to finish, but SWERVEY SWERVE SWERVE and Scott Steiner turns on him. Spear, jackhammer, and Scott Hall’s career is DONE at 5:24. How can I live without the Outsiders? *
WCW World title: Jeff Jarrett v. Booker T
Booker takes him down with a headscissors and they do a wrestling sequence, as Booker grabs a headlock. Jarrett slugs out and pounds Booker in the corner, but Booker comes back with a sidekick and they brawl to the floor. Booker whips him into the wall and they head back to ringside, where Jarrett hits him with a chair and they head over to the announce table. Jarrett piledrives him on the table (which doesn’t break, prompting a quick joke from Tony about how they finally got the construction right on them) and back in we go. Jarrett with the sleeper, but Booker reverses a figure-four attempt into a small package for two. Another figure-four succeeds, but Booker makes the ropes. Jarrett works the leg, but Booker makes the comeback with the ax kick. Spinarooni and spinebuster get two. Booker tries a sidekick and crotches himself on the top rope, allowing Jarrett to pound him in the corner. Ref is bumped and Jarrett grabs the belt, but Booker gets it and nails Jarrett for two. Jarrett wedges a chair into the corner, but Booker sends him into it for two. Jarrett gets frustrated and takes out the ref, then grabs his guitar and goes up, but the Bookend finishes at 13:41, giving Booker his first World title. They tried to make it “main eventy” but I don’t think either guy was really “ready” at that point and the timing was kind of off. Sometimes you’ve just gotta pull the trigger and see what happens, though. ***
The Pulse:
Although New Blood Rising was more purely self-indulgent on Russo’s part, this had the all-time champion Russo “aren’t I so important to the world of wrestling” moment in the form of his rant against Hogan, so it’s a tossup as to which is more obnoxious in the grand scheme of things. I don’t side with Hogan in many things, but this was one case where they went about things completely the wrong way. It’s a hot crowd and should have been an easy, thumbs up fun show, but never let it be said that this company couldn’t figure out how to screw up pretty much anything. Strong recommendation to avoid.
