TNA iMPACT! Real-Time Coverage for 03.05.2009

Unsurprisingly, a video recap of the MEM’s melodrama welcomes us to another two hours of iMPACT. I must admit, Angle’s manic look when he attacks Foley – who’s checking on Jeff Jarrett – from behind is priceless.

Jarrett joins us and says Angle has been suspended for a week without pay. That is his punishment for attacking Jarrett and Foley, who aren’t regular wrestlers. When did JJ get so soft? Damn.

We hit the show proper with Tenay and West. West seems quite contrite in his apology for his explosion last week. He brings up some fake tears before saying he regrets nothing. He’s acting like anyone would who’s been betrayed by a friend. Also, West won’t let the announcer’s table until he’s told different. Tenay looks pathetically hurt.

Foley is down, all the while Tenay badmouths West. West tells Tenay the night isn’t about them and they would be better served listening to what Foley has to say. Foley takes the mike and introduces “with great pride” the TNA Champion Sting  Foley thanks a track-suit wearing Sting for saving him from Kurt’s Anklelock last week. Foley then brings up that this wasn’t the first time Sting has helped him. He references the vague refrigerator match I ignored a few weeks ago on Hardcore History. The match changed Foley’s life. Every bit of Mick’s success goes to that day. In return, Mick would like to save Sting from the MEM. You see, Sting being a heel is hurting Foley’s quarterly dividends. But most importantly, the fans need Sting back.

Sting thanks Foley but says his only problem is with Angle, but the rest of the MEM are cool. Foley tells Sting the Mafia is using him. This brings the aforementioned group out, looking every bit their age in those tracksuits.

Nash tells Foley he hasn’t been here long enough to be talking TNA business. Nash calls Sting by his real name and warns him that Foley is a “suit” and a “stooge.” Nash says they came so close to getting the respect they so richly desired before everything went haywire. Sting goes nuts at this, pointing out that Kurt showed him disrespect by spitting in his face. Nash says Kurt is just a hothead but he in a wartime situation, he wants Angle by his side. Nash says for Sting to fight Angle if that’s what he wants but after the match, they should shake hands and call it a day. Or, Sting can walk out of the Mafia leaving their ever-important quest unfinished. Sting might be able to live with that, but the rest of them can’t.

Despite Jarrett’s directive, Angle is shown arriving at the arena anyway. Damn Double J. Just damn. Does anyone respect him after these past couple weeks?

We come back to another Rough Cut of Ultimate X.

Lethal and Creed are backstage, drunk as hell. They’re decked out in suits, slurring, because Jarrett, recognizing them as the future of the company, gave them both a bonus.

Lethal channels Ric Flair before remembering he’s channeling the wrong person. I guess having him imitate a new wrestler every week is easier than giving him an actual character.

X-Division Championship: Kiyoshi vs. Alex Shelley (c)

Now, obviously this will be a great match (during the five minutes it’s given) but what exactly has Kiyoshi done to put himself into No.1 contention for the title?

Kiyoshi with a kick. Shelley responds with chop. Kiyoshi slaps him back. They trade chops and slaps until Kiyoshi ends it all with chop to Shelley’s throat. Shell elbows Kiyoshi, follows it with a bulldog that draws moderate applause. Kiyoshi stun gun Shelley onto the top turnbuckle. Kiyoshi with a spinning leg lariat. Kiyoshi with a choke on ropes. A closthesline puts Shelley down for 2. Kiyoshi goes up to top. Shelley meets him up there  but gets knocked down. Kiyoshi flies off the top with a chop for two. Kiyoshi locks in a nervehold. S fights out, Kiyoshi catches him with a sleeper off ropes, Shelley with a jawbreaker, followed by a dragon screw. Shelley with running elbow,  a splash from the middle rope and a Death Valley Driver for two and half. Shelley goes for Sliced Breat but it’s blocked. Shelley with what I think was supposed to be a Slingshot DDT but Kiyoshi reverses it into a boot, followed up with a dropkick K hits a Roll the Dice variation for two and ¾. Kiyoshi goes up top again. He tries for a flying headbutt but Shelley moves. Shelley with a suplex. And a Shelley Frog Splash wins it.

Winner and STILL X-Division Champion – Alex Shelley

And Suicide floats into the ring and takes out the MCMG while West does the best commentating of his life by blasting Suicide as a coward who takes advantage of already exhausted wrestlers.

Kurt’s back and Steiner, the voice of reason, tells Angle to leave. Angle doesn’t think a washed up has been like Jarrett will do anything. Nash thinks it would all be better if he just went home. Angle promises he’s only there to have fun. Booker stupidly tells Angle that Jarrett gave Kurt’s money to the FrontLine people. Angle says his money is his property and he’s going to go retrieve it. Booker: “See what I mean, man?” as Angle marches off.

We’re back with Beer Money laughing their asses off at the fate of the people they’ve got rid of in the Off the Wagon Challenge. Roode has no remorse for the jobless, as he’s lost money in the recession too. Storm gets vaguely racist as he runs down LAX. Storm slaps Roode’s ass as everyone stands there uncomfortably. Storm walks back on screen, apologizes and smacks Jackie’s ass instead. I love these guys.

LAX come down to the ring, though I’m uncertain as to why. I thought they’d be wrestling but just as Hernandez guarantees LAX are not going home tonight, we go backstage

Backstage, Booker is talking to someone on the phone. He plans on showing tough love to someone, just he got shown back when he was a criminal. Booker says “it’s going down tonight” and mumbles some more unintelligible gibberish. How can’t everybody love Booker.

We’re back with ODB’s little date night challenge. I check the score on the basketball game.

Kurt has found Creed and is choking him with a cord. A chair shot to Creed’s back puts him down and out. Angle tells Creed to give Jarrett a message before throwing him into a wall. Kurt starts peeling the suit from Creed’s body when security shows up to talk him down.

Beautiful People vs. Awesome Kong and Raisha Saeed vs. Rhaka Khan and Sojourner Bolt vs. Taylor Wilde and Roxxi

They now have a camera man positioned so as to get unencumbered ass shots of the Beautiful People as they come down the ramp. Apparently, TNA thinks the ass shots of them bending over the ropes was not enough ass. I agree with them. Bolt and Rhaka have new, wholly atrocious, entrance music.

Saeed and Wilde start out. Wilde with a cool springboard armdrag. As Saeed gets up, Wilde takes her back down with a spinning headscissors. Saeed clubs Wilde and whips her into a corner. Wilde tags Bolt. Saeed and Bolt trade punches. Sojo tries a power bomb, but Saeed flips out and tags Roxxi. SoJo with a body slam after Velvet kicks Roxxi in the back as she was coming off the ropes. Rayne saunters down to the ring. I can’t wait to find out why. But before my curiosity can be satisfied, we go to a commercial.

We’re back to see Love hit a clothesline. She tags to Skye. Skye rams Wilde into the turnbuckle before choking her. Off the ropes, girls both go down off a double clothesline. Hot tag to Roxxi and Love. Roxxi hits some offense on both Beautiful People, before Rhaka botches it all to hell. Undeterred, Roxxi cleans house on all competitors, until she runs into Kong, who knocks her down. Kong leaves the ring and rams Sojo into the ringsteps.

A smozz in the ring brings in the Governor. She hits what Tenay calls the “Thrilla from Wasilla”. Roxxi goes for the cover but Rayne flies in with a dropkick from the top ropes. Love rolls in a pins Roxxi.

Winners – The Beautiful People

JB is with JJ who says there will be repercussions for what Angle has done tonight.

After commercials, we get a video recap of AJ and Booker’s troubles.

Booker T comes out with Sharmell and Steiner. Booker’s got a mike. The crowd starts up sizeable dueling AJ Styles/Booker T chants. Booker admits to being wrong by tearing down AJ’s hometown. Booker only wanted to show AJ some tough love but AJ showed Booker something instead: Humility. Booker’s willing to squash it. He’s confident AJ has come out of it all a better man. Booker tells AJ not to worry about Steiner, “just bring (him) out his property.” Booker starts losing his temper when AJ doesn’t respond in a timely fashion. AJ comes down but comes in behind Book. AJ gets some hits in on the two before their numbers overwhelm him. Steiner hold AJ up for Booker to slap. Booker loads up a punch but AJ ducks it and slides out of the ring. The police creep down the ramp and cuff AJ. Booker finally gets his title back. The world rejoices.

Samoa Joe is obviously one of the cops as one lingers behind Steiner in the ring, while Steiner pretends to be so engrossed in the proceedings outside that he doesn’t notice. Joe peels off the riot helmet and kicks in the crotch. While Steiner writhes in pain, Joe unsheathes the Samoan machete and looks like he’s seriously considering severing Steiner’s jugular. Security is out and they try to talk him down. Wow.

We’re back to watch AJ doing the perp walk Booker taunts him. West and Tenay continue bickering. I never thought I’d say this but I love Don West. He walks out of the broadcast again.

Up on the ramp, Angle just uppercutted the shit out of Jay Lethal. Lethal fights back but Angle rakes Lethal’s eyes. Angle throws him in the ring and it’s an ANGLE SLAM! Angle takes the jacket while Tenay begs for help for Lethal. Hey, you idiot, a man just had a knife to his throat five minutes ago!! You can cut a man’s throat but you do not, and I repeat you do not, steal his suit jacket.

Backstage, Jarrett has had enough and vows to kick Angle’s ass. We go to commercials.

Dr. Stevie is IN

Abyss talks about Tom and Jerry, saying that someone told him that the two cartoon animals weren’t actually fighting, they were playing. Stevie wants to talk about Abyss’ use of weapons, and whether he’s been able to let them go. Abyss swears on his “girlfriend” Lauren that he is cured.

Matt Morgan vs. Shane Sewell

Please make this quick. Dang, Morgan towers over Sewell.

Morgan casually tosses Sewell to start. Sewell charges but Morgan sarcastically begs off

Sewell gets a headlock off a lockup. Sewell comes off the ropes and runs into a Morgan shoulderblock. Morgan puts Sewell on the top rope, ruffles his hair and proceeds to bully Hebner. Sewell flies off the top with a dropkick. Sewell with a  flying forearm off the ropes. Sewell then bails out the ring. Morgan gives chase. Sewell crotches Morgan as he tries to re-enter the ring. Morgan with a sit out powerbomb from the corner. Morgan chokes Sewell on the mat. Elbows of Fury in the corner. Morgan flattens Sewell with an Avalanche. Sidewalk “drop” as Morgan simply drops Sewell from his hip. That gets a round of applause. Morgan guillotines Sewell with a legdrop across the toprope. A Fallaway Slam gets two when Morgan pulls Sewell up. Sewell starts to snap. He lands a kick, some punches and an eye rake off ropes. Morgan grabs Sewell by the throat. Sewell escapes by kicking him in the nuts. Sewell misses a Crossbody. And the Hellavator kills Sewell dead for the three.

Winner – Matt Morgan

Morgan gets tacks and spreads them onto the mat. Morgan says the only way Abyss can compete with him is in a garbage match. Since Morgan can’t pull Abyss up to his level, he’ll sink to Abyss’. At Destination X he challenges Abyss to a 10,000-tack match. He says he’ll be the first person to make Abyss run.

Lauren is with Eric Young who is wearing a suit courtesy from Kurt’s paycheck. Young says the suit is from the Salvation Army but the rest of the money was used on a system for Young’s game room. Angle arrives on cue and attacks Young who holds his own better than the other Frontline members. Security breaks them up as we go to commercial.

In Jarrett’s office, Cornette tries to talk Jarrett out of fighting again. But Jarrett is pretty set on fighting him. He sick of it. Cornette appeals to Foley, who’s lounging on the coach. “Once a wrestler, always a wrestler” Mick intones with ridiculous solemnity. Sting comes in and tries to talk Jarrett out of it. Jarrett refuses him as well.

Off the Wagon Challenge: Beer Money (c) vs. LAX

Storm with a headlock. Homicide hits a back elbow and tags to Hernandez. Storm with an eyepoke. Roode comes in with a punch, a chop and a kick. Hernandez reverses a Roode suplex into a delayed one of his own. Storm is in and breaks it up mid move. Hernandez reverses it and suplexes both members of Beer Money. Homicide with a baseball slide on Beer Money outside the ring. Hernandez Border Tosses Homicide onto out of the ring onto Beer Money in a cool ass spot. We go to commercials.

When we come back, Storm hits a back stabber on Homicide. Roode tags in. Beer Money with a double suplex. Roode locks in a sleeper. Homicide fights out but gets caught in a powerslam. Roode hits Hernandez off the apron with allows for a double team on Homicide. Storm covers for two. Storm drops an elbow as Homicide crawls for the tag. Double underhook slam gets two. Storm chokes Homicide on ropes. Tag to Roode. Homicide flips out of a Double back suplex. He makes the tag to Hernandez, who slingshots in with a double clothesline. Hernandez crushes Beer Money with a double Avalance in the corner. Hernandez wraps his Chris Brown around Roode’s throat and tosses him across the ring with it. Over the shoulder back breaker on Storm. He runs into Roode’s foot but catches him jumping from the middle turnbuckle segues into a powerbomb. Storm breaks the pin at two. Roode with punches but he runs into a massive shoulder block from Hernandez. Homicide with another baseball slide that misses. However, Beer Money cloteshline each other as Homicide ducks their attack. Hernandez flies over the top rope. Homicide chases poor Jackie for some reason. Back in the ring, Hernandez spits beer in Storm’s face. He goes for border toss but gets creamed with a chair for the DQ. Roode starts laying the boots. Homicide tries to save but catches a chair to the face.

Winners (by DQ) – LAX

The Dudleyz music hits and they amble down to save LAX from the beating.

Brother Ray accuses Beer Money of ruining other wrestler’s lives with their Off the Wagon Challenge. In a priceless moment, Beer Money seem extremely proud of themselves as Ray lists off all they’ve done wrong. He challenges them for the next Off the Wagon Challenge.

Kurt has wandered down to the ring. He grabs a mike from Tenay’s table and heads to the ring. He calls out Jarrett before we go to what I hope is the last commercial break of the show.

We come back as Jarrett rolls into the ring and starts brawling with Angle. He begins to kick Kurt’s ass all over the ring and outside of it. The fight spills into the crowd where JJ whips Angle into a wall. Just like several weeks ago, Angle is being dragged to the top of the Impact Zone. Angle manages to crotch Jarrett on the stair rail. The tables have turned as Angle rains blows upon Jarrett. He tosses him into the wall and blasts him with an uppercut. Some stiff punches leave Jarrett in bad shape. But he fights back and starts kicking Angles ass again. Angle kicks Jarrett in the crotch and gets the upper hand again. Angle tries to whip Jarrett into a wall but Jarrett reverses it. JJ with more punches on Angle who is nearly out on his feet. JJ throws Angle face first out of the door to the alley (I guess) and slams the door on him. Jarrett and Team 3-D celebrate. The crowd chants “Thank you Jeff” as JJ, Foley and 3-D pose. Another week is in the books.

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