Pulse Wrestling’s Real-Time RAW Report 03.09.2009

THE WORLD IS WATCHING THE LONGEST EPISODIC TELEVISION SHOW IN HISTORY!

Last week: Dr. Randall K. Orton, C.E. attempted to press charges against Triple H, but he changes his mind and goes for Trip’s title.  However, Trips wants to break Randy’s neck.  However, Trips gets taken down by Randy Orton and the Legacy.

Cameras are LIVE from Randy Orton’s home in St. Louis, Missouri, but the show is in Jacksonville, Florida! Tonight, Trips takes on Legacy in a handicap match tonight!

We open tonight with Mr. Wrestlemania!  He talks about the streak of 16-0 and he says that he is no slouch himself, as he has a plethora of Wrestlemania moments.  It’s important that we understand that he respects Taker, but he is not afraid of him.  Shawn has never been outperformed at Wrestlemania.  Something has to give…

BELL TOLLS!  This time, The Undertaker plays some of his own mind games.  He chronicles the sixteen wins from Wrestlemania.  Once the video plays, Undertaker is inside the ring behind Shawn.  “Hello, Undertaker.  I’ve been expecting you.”  Undertaker says that Shawn’s arrogance has clouded his judgment.  The respect is mutual, but he fought other people he respected…and they all fallen.  Shawn wants to make one thing perfectly clear…that he shouldn’t have to qualify to face anyone at Wrestlemania.  Shawn can’ wait for this to happen.  Undertaker says that Shawn had epic wins and bitter defeats at Wrestlemania.  His dream of beating Taker at Wrestlemania is just a dream.  Taker says that Shawn shouldn’t worry about the streak…but he needs to worry about the most dangerous entity that has ever stepped in this ring.  Shawn has officially opened Hell’s Gate.  Taker tries to say that Shawn will rest in peace, but Shawn will rest comfortably knowing that he ended the streak.  Shawn drops this line: “You’ve never beaten me…and you never will.”  If this continues like this until Mania, this will be a hot storyline.  Too bad Taker flubbed his lines a bit.

What did John Cena whisper in Vickie’s ear?  We’ll find out most likely later tonight!

Commercials.

We are back and our opening contest is for the INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP!  The Stock Market just crashed!

John Bradshaw Layfield v. CM Punk ©
WWE Intercontinental Championship

The bell rings and they lock up.  Punk with the headlock and they struggle to get to the ropes.  Off the ropes, Punk gets elbowed for a one count.  JBL takes control, but Punk ducks and he takes the offense to JBL.  Snapmare gets a one count.  Punk works the arm and he kicks JBL in the thigh.  JBL reverses a whip and locks on a sleeper…REVERSE JAWBREAKER breaks that up.  Knee lift connects, but the bulldog doesn’t get a chance.  PUNK DIVES THROUGH THE ROPES AND TAKES JBL OUT!  Commercial time!

Commercials.

We’re back and JBL has Punk in the adomonal stretch!  Punk off the ropes…FALLAWAY SLAM!  JBL gets a cover and gets two!  We go to the corner and JBL knees Punk in the sternum.  Short-arm clothesline connects and Punk gets out at two.  JBL connects with shots to the kidney and gets another two count out of it.  Bearhug is applied, but Punk gets out of it.  Punk gets sent to the corner and he gets out of that predicament.  ROUNDHOUSE PUNCH TO THE JAW BY JBL!  Punk gets set up to the top rope, but he counters to a TORNADO DDT!  Both men are down.  Punk crawls for a cover and gets two.  Punk comes back with the MMA kicks!  Punk goes for the high knee, but JBL scouted it.  SPRINGBOARD CLOTHESLINE CONNECTS!  JBL gets in the corner and Punk hits the high knee/bulldog combo (is there a name for that?).  Punk goes for the GTS, but JBL rakes the eyes!  Clothesline from Hell connects and Punk is on Dream Street!

Winner and NEW WWE Intercontinental Champion: John Bradshaw Layfield
Grade: B

Welcome to the Grand Slam, JBL.

We go back to Randy Orton’s homeand he sits with his wife on the couch.  The interview is NEXT!

Commercials.

JBL brags to Vickie Guerrero about winning the title tonight, but Vickie wants him to do her a favor.  Edge shows up and wants to know what Cena whispered to Vickie.  IT DOESN’T MATTER, she says.  Edge drops it and says that what matters is that he signs his Wrestlemania contract tonight!

We are joined by Randy right now.  He introduces his wife to us.  MC asked Randy why he would violate his own stipulation for the Wrestlemania match.  However, Randy wants us to see it again.  We head to the recap of the vicious assault on Triple H.  We’re back to the live feed.  Randy calls it restraint, as he could had ended it right there.  He didn’t punt Trips in the head or RKO him because he wants him to be at Wrestlemania.  Everytime Trips shows up, Randy will take more out of him, but he will leave enough for Wrestlemania.

Up next, we get a special Champion v. Champion Divas match!

Commercials.

WWE Slam of the Week: Maryse takes out Melina with a sick DDT.

It looks like this has turned into a Lumberjill match since the divas from both brands surround the ring.

Maryse v. Melina
Divas Champion v. Women’s Champion

The bell sounds and they work some faux kicks.  Melina sweeps the leg and she takes the early advantage.  Maryse sends Melina out of the ring, but the referee is on top of things.  Maryse takes it to Melina, torquing the neck and back.  Melina BITCHSLAPS Maryse, but Maryse continues to use the hair.  Top rope splash connects and she gets a front face takedown for two.  Maryse gets hung up on the second rope and Melina KNEES HER IN THE GUT from the third rope!  Melina charges to the ropes again and Maryse moves out of the way.  Melina goes splat and that’s the finish.

Winner: Maryse
Grade: C-

Rosa Mendez leads the charge…CATFIGHT!  The faces stand tall…What brand loyalty?

We recap the contract signing that never happened on SmackDown.

The contract signing…or so we think…IS NEXT!

Commercials.

We’re back with another Wrestlemania Recall.  Once that finishes, Vickie Guerrero has an announcement to make.  EXCUSE ME!  She just signed a 25 Diva Battle Royal featuring RAW, SmackDown, ECW, and from the past.  The winner will be crowned “Miss Wrestlemania”.  And while this happens, Shawn Michaels could be heard screaming because he EARNED his “Mr. Wrestlemania” moniktor.  Back to business.  Big Show comes out.  He’s followed by Edge.  Looks alright so far.  Not the match, but the contract signing.  They sit down, which is also shocking.  Duelling Cena/Big Show chants.  Edge wants to say something.  He reminds us of Wrestlemania VI, where he was in attendance.  Big Show is better than the Ultimate Warrior and Edge is far better than Hogan.  HA!  Edge tries to say that their match will be an epic one.  The jokes keep coming to my mind, but I won’t share them.  Edge signs the contract.  Now Show takes the microphone and he is glad he said that.  He takes and he signs as well.  They shake hands and the match is official…or is it?

John Cena makes his way to the stage in late fashion.  Edge gets the music cut and asks what is Cena doing in the ring.  Cena takes a seat as Edge says that he is not in the match.  Cena looks at Vickie and says “You didn’t tell them?”  It doesn’t matter and Edge and Show decides to take matters in their own hands.  Vickie cracks and says that she invited Cena to the ring and it is NOW A TRIPLE THREAT MATCH!  Cena affixes his signature to the contract.  Big Show complains and Cena asks him to chill.  Cena is going to tell the secret, but Vickie pleads with him.  Cena came to SmackDown not because he didn’t like them – that’s common knowledge.  Cena had to say something to Vickie because he had a piece of information she needed to hear.  Oh…My…God…he told Vickie that he loved her.  This…is unexplainable.  This is sick.  If this is Cena’s heel turn, I gotta say…no one saw it coming.  Edge and Show are livid as Cena leaves the ring.  Edge tries to stop Cena.  He calls Cena out for playing with Vickie’s emotional state.  He asks Vickie to rip the contract up.  Vickie won’t do it.  Cena can’t deal with it anymore and he says that he was playing her emotions.  NOW this is the real truth.  RAW was held in his hometown.  Cena knew everyone…from the ticket taker to the vendor to the guy that worked the security camera.

Private camera time!  Big Show comes into Vickie’s office and things happen…it’s official.  Vickie was cheating on Edge.  Vickie, you got some explaining to do!  Edge is pissed off and he takes and gets physical with Vickie.  He then sneers at Big Show and Cena before sulking in the chair.

Commercials.

WWE Rewind: Jericho takes out Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka.

Chris Jericho v. Kofi Kingston
Money in the Bank Qualifying Match

The bell sounds and they lock up.  Jericho gets a side headlock and Kingston sends him to the ropes.  Kingston responds with a forearm.  Dropkick sends Jericho to the corner.  Up on top, Kingston beats into Jericho and it’s countered to a powerbomb for two!  Break time.

Commercials.

We’re back and Jericho is in control.  He has Kofi in a headlock and he beckons him to give up.  Kofi gets out of it and he gets sent to the ropes.  Jericho gets taken down with his unorthodox offense.  Jericho rolls through a crossbody and gets two.  Jamican Leg Sweep connects and he goes for his trademark move, but Jericho attempts the Walls.  Enzugiri connects after Kofi gets out of it.  Jericho gets a two count and he drills Kofi with the bulldog.  Lionsault MISSES!  Double leg drop connects and that gets two for Kofi.  Trouble in Paradise…BLOCKED!  Jericho has the Walls locked in!  Kingston looks for the ropes, but Jericho pulls back!

WOOOOOO!  Out comes Ric Flair!  Talk about shocking!  Jericho turns around…TROUBLE IN PARADISE CONNECTS!  Kofi gets the pin!

Winner: Kofi Kingston
Grade: C-

Jericho is pissed off.  Kofi hugs Ric Flair as Jericho looks on.

We go back with Randy Orton at his home.  MC asks Randy why he isn’t here tonight.  Randy accused of hiding from Trips, but he is not here because he wants to remain in control of his actions.  He assures us that he will enjoy the main event…still to come tonight!

Commercials.

T-Grish is with Jericho and he is mad at Ric Flair.  He wants the moment next week as he challenges Ric Flair to a match NEXT WEEK on RAW!  He promises us that the story of Ric Flair will end next week!  Time to find out who will be inducted to the WWE Hall of Fame.  Show your respect for…KOKO B. WARE!

Rey Mysterio makes his way to the ring.  Looks like a six man tag match!

Commercials.

Rey Mysterio, Finlay, & Christian v. The Miz, John Morrison, & Kane

Christian and Miz begins this match.  Side headlock by the Miz and Christian takes him out.  Christian chokes Miz out in the ropes and hits a reverse DDT for two.  Miz comes back and is able to tag Kane.  Christian gets sent to the ropes, but he fends off Kane.  Sunset flip attempt is blocked and he gets tossed in the corner.  Sidewalk slam connects and that gets two.  Tag to Morrison and he hits an uppercut, followed by a kick to the jaw.  Tag to the Miz and they double team Christian.  Cover by Miz and that gets two.  Christian fights out of a headlock and gets sent to the corner.  Christian takes Miz out in the corner and we get tags all around.  Finlay comes in and he takes it to Morrison.  Finlay is fighting for all of them.  Mysterio comes in and he takes out Miz.  Morrison goes down.  Rey evades a Morrison charge.  Top rope hurrancurana connects and Miz breaks up the three count.  Miz gets sent out of the ring.  Morrison gets set up for the 619 and Kane intercepts.  Finlay and Christian takes Kane out.  619 to Morrison connects!  FLIP SENTON CONNECTS!  That’s all!

Winners: Rey, Finlay, & Christian
Grade: C (This was a 10-15 minute match shortened to 4-5 minutes.)

Main Event time…NEXT!

Commercials.

HUGE MATCH SIGNED FOR NEXT WEEK: The Undertaker & Shawn Michaels v. JBL & Vladimir Koslov

12 Rounds trailer is shown.  The movie is out March 27th!

MAIN EVENT TIME!

Priceless (Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase) v. Triple H
Two-on-One Handicap Match

Randy Orton is watching the proceedings with his wife at home tonight.  Triple H doesn’t come out to the ring when he is introduced.  They try again and we get the same result.  The referee calls the match for Priceless.

Winners via forefit: Priceless
Grade: N/A

Randy chimes in from satellite and he complains that Trips didn’t show up.  Randy threatens that if Trips won’t show up, he will take it personal.  Someone’s knocking….IT’S TRIPLE H!  He forces his way in the house and Randy conveinently runs from him.  He searches the house and he finds Samantha.  He tosses her phone out of her hand and he continues the search.  He heads upstairs after hearing a noise.  He hears another noise and he goes back downstairs.  Orton comes out with a golfclub and the two men get it on at the house.  There’s the provocation so Orton gets his ass handed to him!  OH MY GOD! Trips sends Orton THROUGH THE WINDOW!  They brawl outside as the cops show up.  Trips gets arrested, but Orton gets one last shot at Trips and the cops restrain him.  Trips is shown in the cop car and we are done.

Show over.

The WWE RAW Report Card

Priceless d. Triple H via forfeit: N/A
Rey, Finlay, & Christian d. Kane, Miz, & Morrison: C
Kofi Kingston d. Chris Jericho: C-
Maryse d. Melina: C-
JBL d. CM Punk: B

The Final Grade for WWE RAW 03.09.2009: C

You could watch the first 30 minutes of RAW and be satisfied because the Undertaker/Michaels promo was spot on, even with Taker flubbing the lines a bit; and the Punk/JBL Intercontinental Title match was equally as good, which is a surprise.  The rest of the show could be easily missed, unless you enjoy that lawbreaker, Triple H, breaking and entering.  I really want to suspend reality, but I just can’t because of this.  Wrestlemania still becomes interesting and should be a good show.  I’ll catch you Thursday as I celebrate a quarter century of my existance with some TNA news!

Tags: , , , , , , , ,