Ryan comes down the stairs past the 11 contestants. He teases us by saying that he holds in his hands the results “that may shock you.” He’s the father of the Octomom’s babies? Over 31 million phone calls were placed last night. In tribute to country night we’re going to have Brad Paisley perform along with a Carrie Underwood and Randy Travis duet. Ryan talks about the judge’s save. Does he already know who got kicked off? We get a recap of last night’s show. They aren’t in order. Hmmm. The weird question is if someone gets “saved” tonight, how will they decide the 10 people getting to go on tour? Would we learn who had the lowest and second lowest next week?
Before they eliminate, here’s the gang lip synching “Trouble.” This time the tape recoding is too obvious. The music has been sped up. It’s verging on an Alvin and Chipmunks performance. Who OK’d this Solid Gold Dancers performance? Why don’t they just have them singing around a car instead of the piano? It’s as real as their car commercials.
During the ad break we get a clip of the girl with the purple streaks in her blond hair singing Black Velvet in Louisville. Why? She got booted a long time ago.
We come back from the commercial break to see their latest commercial for a Ford car. They’re throwing water balloons around a New York backlot. It’s that “Here It Goes Again” song except really bland. Ryan nailed a woman in the audience with a water balloon. I hope she’s suing him.
Ryan shows us what happened after Jasmine and Jorge were eliminated last week. It’s so damn emotional. Jasmine is happy with tears. We see they have a cast dinner with the losers. It’s a fun looking Italian joint. Why don’t they cross promote and take them to Hell’s Kitchen. Jorge reminds them to not feel comfortable since he won’t be the last eliminated. It’s a number’s game.
Michael Sarver unloads about how his 3 1/2 year old child said, “Daddy, why don’t you want to be with us anymore?” Well this show is turning into an episode of Maury. Megan Joy is feeling slightly better from her flu.
Ryan lets us know that the safe people tonight are hitting the road this summer. Danny Gokey is the first up. He’s going to be coming to your town soon! Lil Rounds also gets the good news. She’s made it. Anoop Desai stands up. Is he the comeback kid? He’s safe! UNC’s most famous non-basketball playing student is hitting arenas. Michael Sarver and Allison Iraheta both get up. One of them is in the bottom three. In a shocking move, Allison is in the bottom three. Wow. And in a big twist Michael Sarver is told to stand back up again. He needs to march down to the front of the stage. He’s also in the bottom three. Guess the folks at home weren’t lovin’ his Garth.
Does this mean Ryan’s been teasing us in that the third person won’t be one of the weaker performers? Maybe Adam Lambert’s Flaming “Ring of Fire” freaked out the Twilight girlies?
Brad Paisley is brought out to sing “Then.” He even has the Grand Ole Opry microphone stand to play up the theme night. This is one slow song. Please wake me up after he’s done. It’s just too soft. If it was any softer, Charlie Rich would set him on fire.
Now it’s hard to stare at the bottom row without wondering who didn’t get the phones ringing. Did the pity plea offensive for Megan Joy work?
I’m getting upset at the Dominos guy going on about bailout. He’s going to bail us out with medium pizzas? That’s not enough for a starving America. Who is willing to put $5 on an extra large? And extra meat! The kids need extra meat. Don’t skip on the sausage.
Time for Ryan to find that last member of the bottom three. Scott MacIntyre gets up and teased by Ryan. He’s safe. Megan Joy must be safe since she’s up with three people not picked. It’s going to come down to Adam Lambert and Alexis Grace. Megan is going on tour. Why? How many times did Simon’s phone bank in India call to support his tattooed lust object. Matt Giraud gets up and gets the good news. Same for Kris Allen. Adam Lambert and Alexis Grace get up together. Simon thinks Adam’s “Ring of Fire” was worse watching on TV. Randy is asked to guess who goes in the Bottom Three. Randy points out Adam’s take was based on a Jeff Buckley arrangement. The person on the bottom three is Alexis. Adam is safe after sweating it out. They don’t let her go to the bar stools. Allison Iraheta and Michael Sarver are brought over to her. Ryan declares that Allison is safe. So it’s the rough neck versus the nasty little minx.
These Twilight promos are making me gag. What’s the point of being a vampire if you’re just going to be an eternally squeaky clean Osmond? I want my vampires sucking blood and getting kinky with ladies and livestock. Christopher Lee and Bela Lugosi weep for these tepid night creepers. Let the Right One In is a better vampire film. It just came out on DVD so snag it.
Carrie Underwood is being brought back to show she’s a superstar. They show her taking the crown from Bo Bice. They bring her back with Randy Travis. She’s got a red dress and huge country hair. It’s like she has a wig over a wig. She cracks a joke that would have worked for a Hee-Haw honey. They duet with “I Told You So.”
Simon teases us by saying one of them they would consider saving. So the “right one” needs to lose for both to be saved. But what’s the point? America has already hated you. What are the odds that you’ll be able to finish third worst to survive next week? The judges are just delaying the inevitable. Haven’t they seen Dead Like Me? Simon should spend time at Der Waffle Haus.
They dim the lights. Alexis and Michael stand together. He is safe. Wow. The country boy survived. Simon says that Alexis is the one they were thinking about saving. But it all hinges on how she sings her farewell song. What? They are judging the song they didn’t like. At least she’s got a song about begging going for her. She’s getting to the front of the stage to get into the judge’s face. Although they are talking amongst themself. Her voice is breaking. They keep chattering. She’s barely handling it. She’s on edge. Can she grab the brass ring of salvation. Simon gives the verdict, “We’re kinda unanimous. It was good, but not good enough.” She won’t be getting on the big tour bus. Well that stinks. Megan Corkey shouldn’t have been allowed to get the sympathy plugs. Alexis should have claimed she was having open heart surgery backstage.
Next week they’ll be on Wednesday and Thursday because the president will be speaking on Tuesday night. Set your DVR accordingly.
