YOU ARE WATCHING THE LONGEST EPISODIC TELEVISION SHOW IN HISTORY! THIS IS WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW!
We get a clip of a long stretch hearse in the parking lot. LET’S GET THE PARTY STARTED!
Dallas, Texas is the site of tonight’s RAW. Tonight, the Undertaker will perform an eulogy for Mr. Wrestlemania. But first, we have the biggest diva tag team match in RAW History. 18 Divas in the ring at the same time!
Team Melina v. Team Maryse
Mickie James and Jillian Hall start off. Mickie cartwheels out fo an arm drag and she takes Jillian down with a Thez Press. Tag to Tiffany and Jillian gets out of that quickly. Beth comes into the match and Tiffany gets sent to the corner. Tiffany runs off a forearm smash into a Beth flapjack. Katie blind tags in and she gets small packaged by Tiffany for the pin!
Winners: Team Melina in 1:45 (Tiffany pins Katie Lea)
Grade: F– (Ridiculous waste of talent. Could we have gotten Mickie & Tiffany v. Jillian, Beth, & Katie Lea instead?)
Santino Marella comes out in a robe and he tells us that he bypassed Vickie Guerrero and he is going to show off his swimsuit and prove that he is more dominant than the divas. Brace yourselves for the mankini. This is PG, so Santino is wearing black trunks with a mankink on top. Beth argues with Santino and it is an 18 diva or so brawl and Santino gets tossed out of the ring.
We go back to LAST WEEK when the Legacy ambushed Triple H and he raises the bar for their WrestleMania encounter. Later tonight, Orton will give a Wrestlemania Address. Up next, it’s Lawler/Jericho!
Commercials.
WWE REWIND: Chris Jericho takes Ric Flair to town!
The “Handicap Match” at WrestleMania has different rules. It will function as a Gauntlet Match.
Jerry “The King” Lawler v. Chris Jericho
The bell sounds and they lock up. Lawler shoves Jericho in the corner and Jericho comes back with the backtalk. The fists come flying and Lawler is in control. Lawler gets physical and the referee breaks it up, allowing Jericho to get a cheap shot. Jericho kicks away at Lawler and he chokes him in the ropes. Jericho sends Lawler to the ropes and he hits a reverse forearm before beating him like a government mule. Headbutt by Jericho and he has Lawler in the corner. He tees off and Lawler reverses to the corner. Jericho dives off and he meets a fist to the gut. Lawler comes back and he decks Jericho with the trademark punch. Snapmare takeover and Lawler repeatedly beats Jericho up. Jericho begs off, which allows time for him to get Lawler in the Walls for the submission victory.
Winner: Chris Jericho in 3:31
Grade: C
Post match, Jericho rubs it in and Lawler hits a HARD RIGHT HAND, sending Jericho out of the ring. Lawler wants Jericho back in the ring and Jericho says that he already beat him. It won’t be a question how he beats Snuka, Steamboat, and Piper next week.
12 Rounds is in Theaters now, but here’s another video in case the other 100 or so didn’t entice you to see it yet.
Commercials.
The WWE SmackDown TakeDown of the week: Edge and Big Show destroy John Cena two weeks ago. This is followed by Big Show destroying Edge last week.
T-Grish is with John Cena!  Before he could fire the question, Edge interrupts saying taht Cena’s chances of winning is nonexistant. T-Grish leaves and he discusses some strategy. Edge wants to put aside the differences and take the Big Show out. Edge wants to know if we have an understanding. Cena thinks it is a logical question, but Cena would rather lose on his own than to win with Edge’s help. Edge is pissed.
Michael Cole is on his own and he has DiBiase and Rhodes in the locker room. Orton wants to address the issues involving the McMahon family, but the address affects EVERYONE. They drop the WWE DRAFT, but not by name, as after WrestleMania 25, the scene around the WWE Universe will change forever.
Backstage, the men in black pull the coffin out and Shawn Michaels is inside. We get an inaudible moment as we go to break.
Commercials.
YOU ARE WATCHING CABLE’S MOST WATCHED TELEVISION SHOW!
Gotta love Michael Cole.
We get a repeat of what Shawn Michaels had to say. “You were expecting someone else?”
Jerry Lawler returns to the table as Rey Mysterio makes his way to the ring. JBL comes out to the ring with a microphone in hand. He is dressed to compete. He vows to deliver a sound victory at WrestleMania, and he’ll beat him within an inch of his life tonight.
Rey Mysterio v. John Bradshaw Layfield
The bell sounds and JBL shoves Mysterio in the corner. He kicks him in the head and takes Rey to the limit. Rey comes back at the ropes and he hits the hurrancurana. 619 attempt is blocked, but JBL misses the elbows. Rey springboards into a stiff kick to the ribs as we take a break at 1:04.
Commercials.
We return at 4:08 and Rey gets out of JBL’s clutches. He hops back in his clutches and he eats a Fallaway Slam. Rey rolls out of the ring and JBL comes out to inflict more punishment. Rey gets tossed back inside and JBL gets a two count. JBL tees off on Rey before he takes him to the corner. He beats Rey to a pulp before setting him up on the turnbuckle. Rey fires back and he his the seated senton. He evades a big boot…ENZUGIRI connects, but the 619 misses. He kicks JBL to the ropes again, this time the 619 connects. Rey follows up with the win.
Winner: Rey Mysterio in 6:29
Grade: C-
Cena v. Big Show is NEXT!
SmackDown Rebound: John Cena compares the Edge/Big Show/Vickie Guerrero love triangle to a Jerry Springer segment. He vows to go to WrestleMania 25 and win the title.
Big Show walks.
Commercials.
Wrestlemania Recall: Wrestlemania 11 Bam Bam Bigelow takes on Lawrence Taylor and wins.
The Dallas Cowboys are in the house tonight as we kick off with our first main event!
John Cena v. Big Show
Big Show is weighing in at 485 pounds tonight, Michael Cole says. The bell sounds and as usual, Big Show takes the offensive. He beats into Cena with punches in his chest. He keeps on the pressure and Cena is already reeling. He steps on his sides at the ropes before taking him down with a clubbing blow. Show stomps on Cena and follows with a headbutt. He walks over Cena and he stretches him out in the ropes. Kidney shot connects and Big Show does it again. Cena tries to fight back, but Show no-sells the offense and blocks a shouldertackle. He steps on Cena’s back. He picks Cena up and he headbutts him to the corner. Corner to corner we go and Cena evades the squash. Cena tries to fight back, but gets flapjacked for his problems. Big Show continues to enforce his will on Cena. He takes to the High Risk District and he misses the big butt splash! Cena goes to the top and he hits the top-rope Fameasser! STF attempt, but Show’s big legs kick him out. Big SHOW BASEBALL SLIDES CENA OUT OF THE RING and we take a commercial at 4:30.
Commercials.
We are back at 7:34 and Big Show is still in control. He controls the neck of John Cena and Cena’s face turns purple. We go back to stepping on Cena and I’m slowly losing my focus. He steps on Cena’s head for good measure. He steps on Cena’s back again and he finally calls for the finish, I think. Cena struggles to get up and he goes for the Chokeslam, but Cena counters to a DDT! He tries to lock on the STF, but Big Show is too tall! Show readies the KO punhc, but he misses. Attitude Adjuster is countered to the Chokeslam and this mercilly ends.
Winner: Big Show in 10:27
Grade: D
Edge slides into the ring and he beats the holy hell out of Cena. Big Show stands idly by while two referees can’t restrain him.
We recap what happened on SmackDown Friday with Shawn Michaels. This has to be the best promo I’ve seen.
Shawn, dressed in black makes his way to the ring.
Commercials.
We are back and we recap what happened in the last match.
In the ring, is the set up for the funeral and Shawn Michaels makes his way to the ring. He stands before us tonight as a man unafraid. This eulogy is not for him, but for the Undertaker. He vows that the streak will cease to exist. He says that of all things Undertaker has accomplished, he has never beaten Shawn Michaels. In the past few weeks, he showed us how he got inside Taker’s head, and he did it without the slightest bit of consequence. He raises the coffin, and it is empty. He says that there will be no retribution oncesoever. He is insulted at the fact that Taker doesn’t think he can end the streak. Everything will pale in comparison as to what Shawn will achieve. They will talk about who won the titles the day after, but the lasting moment will be that of Shawn beating the Undertaker. The lights go out and Shawn hides. Taker shows up in the ring, the casket suddenly closing on him. Taker destroys the ring objects before he eyes the casket. He walks over and he opens it up to find no one home. Shawn comes out from underneath and he lays Taker down with Sweet Chin Music! The Undertaker is livid!
Commercials.
We recap what just happened. The Hall of Fame induction ceremony will be this Saturday on USA! We hype the induction of Stone Cold Steve Austin to the Hall. After that, we hype WrestleMania 25!
Backstage, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase talk with security. Time for a Money in the Bank Battle Royal! But first, commercials.
Commercials.
The WWE Encyclopedia debuts at #1 on the New York Times best sellers list! Surprisingly, we don’t get a “Did You Know” on Cena’s movie!
We get a clip on the Hardy brothers for their WrestleMania match!
CM Punk v. Kane v. Kofi Kingston v. Mark Henry v. Finlay v. Shelton Benjamin v. MVP v. Christian
Over the top rope battle royal!
The bell sounds and I’ll do my best to keep track of eliminations. They pair off to begin. Finlay gets tossed by Mark Henry and Hornswoggle distracts, causing Mark Henry to be eliminated. Kane tries to eliminate Punk and Christian, but no dice. They pair off again and Kane gets ganged on in the corner. MVP and Shelton battle on the apron and Kane eliminates both men. It’s down to four. They go after Kane, but Punk sends Kofi out instead. Kane goes to try to eliminate Christian, but fails. Punk and Christian double team, but Christian tries to eliminate Punk. Corner to corner we go adn Punk gets thrown out. He is not eliminated yet, but Kane tosses Christian out, taking Punk out as well.
Winner: Kane in 3:40
Grade: N/A
Kane throws the ladder inside and he sets it up. He climbs the ladder and he takes the briefcase off the hook.
DiBiase & Rhodes get Randy and they make their way to the ring.
Commercials.
We are back and The Legacy, or Randy Orton for that matter, makes his way to the ring. I love The Legacy t-shirts that they are sporting. Randy takes a deep breath and he hesitates speaking at the moment. He tells us how he became the youngest World Champion in WWE history. It was the greatest moment of his life, but Triple H made it short-lived. We get a highlight of that. He blames Trips for ruining his life, so he made a vow to ruin his life. He had to wait until the time was right. It started in January when he eliminated Trips from the Rumble. He earned the opportunity to take the title from Trips at WrestleMania. But it wasn’t enough. He wanted to raise the stakes. He wanted to take out his family. So he did, beginning with Vince McMahon, followed by Shane, and finally Stephanie. He knew exactly what he was doing the entire time. So he didn’t have I.E.D. He gets pissed off at the fans and we get a bleep for the first time in a LONG TIME! He knew Trips would come back at him. He wanted Trips to think he was in control, and he did so do it would let him do what he did last week. Now everytime they lock up, he will face the man who DDT’ed his wife and sealed it with a kiss. He went to Vickie Guerrero and the decree has been made. If Trips brings the sledgehammer to the ring, he is disqualified and he loses the title. If he gets DQ’ed or counted out, he loses the title. Orton has taken everything away from Trips.
A limo pulls up and Orton asks for the lights to be turned on and for the backup to come out. However, there is no one in the limo! Orton beckons Trips to make his way to the ring…
YOU GOT NO CHANCE IN HELL!
Holy crap, Vince is out on the stage and he wants retribution! The jacket comes off and he rolls up his sleeves! But wait!
HERE COMES THE MONEY!
He’s not alone! Shane O’ Mac is back!
TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!
Finally, Trips is here! I’m calling it now. This is the main event to WWE Backlash! The Legacy v. the McMahons and Triple H! They advance down the ramp. The security don’t stand a chance. Now, nothing stands in their way. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE OUTSIDE THE RING! Trips has Randy where he wants him. THEY BRAWL AND WE HAVE TO GO OFF THE AIR!
Show Over.
The WWE RAW Report Card
Kane wins the Money in the Bank Battle Royal: N/A
Big Show d. John Cena: D
Rey Mysterio d. JBL: C-
Chris Jericho d. Jerry Lawler: C
Team Melina d. Team Maryse: F-
Extra Credit: Main Event Throwdown
The Final Grade for WWE RAW 03.30.2009: D+
Final Thoughts
Tonight’s RAW was counterproductive for the most part. The 18 Diva Tag Match was a complete and utter joke and this week, Santino and his mankini couldn’t even save that segment. They gave away Wrestlemania early with JBL v. Rey Mysterio. Big Show v. John Cena stayed out of the F territory only because it was the longest match of the night, but it still was practically an extended squash match. The Battle Royal was probably a good one, but I didn’t rate it cause it is hard to rate a battle royal that last less than four minutes. Shawn Michaels continues to get into the Undertaker’s head, which was counterproductive to a point. Unless Taker gets the last laugh before Mania, I have to stop the awesomeness streak for Michaels v. Taker tonight. The main event segment was solid gold. The return of Vince and Shane was awesome. I’m still guessing that Backlash will feature a six man tag with them most likely, that is if Legacy survive the Draft unscathed.
RAW tonight was a hard sell for WrestleMania 25. In that aspect, the show delivered. However, the quality of wrestling has me scratching my head. That’s all for me this week. I’ll be back throughout the week most likely. I owe you a TNA column since I skipped last week. I’ll have that for you Thursday. I’ll be back for real-time coverage of WrestleMania 25 this Sunday. I might have a couple surprises here and there, so keep it to the Pulse all throughout WrestleMania Week for the best in wrestling coverage and the best commentary from our elite group of writers. Enjoy your week!
